Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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Chris_M

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If you're wanting to suggest heat between these two, "taking comfort" is maybe the wrong image. Is it really what you mean?

That was my reaction as well.
 

blacbird

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The medics, through application of what they termed "heroic means", kept The Creature alive for nearly a day beyond would would normally be expected. The intern who told me this in the waiting room some time past midnight seemed proud of it. I asked her what would "normally be expected."

caw
 

Chris_M

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The medics, through application of what they termed "heroic means,", kept The Creature alive for nearly a day beyond would what would normally be expected. The intern who told me this in the waiting room some time past midnight [I'm tempted to strike "some time past midnight." Perhaps set it apart with commas, not sure. It felt somehow weird there as is.] seemed proud of it. I asked her what would "normally be expected."

caw

Other than my minor suggestions, I liked it. Intriguing, and gives a glimpse into the first-person's personality.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the contact of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end.

I don't like the repetition of 'skin' so close together. There are also far too many adjectives to describe the skin - warm, bronze, slick. It's descriptive overkill. I'd rephrase to something much more simple and concise, e.g.

'She reached out and caressed his bronze thigh, the skin slick with sweat.'

From describing it as bronze, you know his thigh is bare. If it's slick with sweat, you can assume it's warm.
 

SeeM0

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The sentences aren't too short imo. But the second one basically repeats what the first one says, so I'm not sure it's needed. Getting the character's name in isn't essential in the first three lines.

No. But one and two are redundant. So--

When I was six, I, Abigail Lee Channing, came back from the cusp of death.

Third sentence actually dilutes the tension. Just get on with the story of how she came back to life.

Whoa, this thread moves fast. LOL
Thanks BethS and Buffysquirrel :) I have a tendency to want to repeat things for added emphasis.
 

blacbird

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She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat.

Agree with what Kallithrix said. As a quick editorial recommendation, this serves as a good example of how to ferret out extraneous words. Eliminating the words I struck out, the sentence becomes:

She reached for him, her fingers sliding against this thigh, his bronze skin slick with sweat.

Which, to me as reader, is a damn fine, sharp, clear, vivid sentence. The little excerpt presented is solidly written, and attention paid to plucking out the littler superfluous, meaningless words and phrases will do a lot to make it shine the way it deserves to.

caw
 

guttersquid

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The medics, through application of what they termed "heroic means", kept The Creature alive for nearly a day beyond would would normally be expected. The intern who told me this in the waiting room some time past midnight seemed proud of it. I asked her what would "normally be expected."

caw

Not sure why you cap "Creature," but even if there's a good reason for it, I don't think you should cap "The."

shlap (sound a guttersquid might make)
 

butterfly

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I think you need some more description, descriptive words. "A tired willow tree", or instead of "old" pink shower curtain, tell me how its old, "tattered" "moldy"...or the rain...what kind of rain?

Thanks Wyatt. I somehow think that it just being a willow tree, the shape of the tree and what it represents, says enough. If I add "moldy" or "tattered" to the pink, what I'm doing is making the shower curtain more a focal point and I don't want that. The reader can determine, since it is pink after all (who has those?) what its condition is. But you did give me ideas for some other lines.

Like this a lot.

Thank you!

Nitpick: Consider removing "carefully" in 2nd sentence. (While it adds beauty to the line it introduces questions you may not want to deal with ATM... how carefully, what do they carve with, etc. But of course it depends on what's coming next.)

Noted. Thank you!

Love it! Great vibrant imagery with each word.

Thank you!

I enjoyed this too. Well done.

Thank you!
 

Buffysquirrel

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I dunno. Bronze skin on its own makes me think his skin is made of bronze.
 

butterfly

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All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.

All this needs is some tightening up:

All he had to do was pick up the briefcase at Point A and drop it off at Point B - simple. Half a million dollars in that thing. 500,000 virgin dollar bills. Definitely worth the risk.

Of course you would match it to the tone and personality of "him" but I think a little more emotion in the sentences would increase the heart rate a bit.
 

butterfly

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Alright, I came up with a new opening spot for my novel and, after writing a new page or so, a new first three. Hopefully an improvement.

After a few minutes hanging with his feet stretched, the tips of his toes dangling a few inches from the floor, Jack thinks to himself, this isn’t going to work. I’m not even really choking here—and I can still breathe. Jack gives the silk necktie stretched above his head a few short tugs at the nape of his neck as he hears the shower shut off in the bathroom just outside the walk-in closet.

Love the anticipatory end here! If you take a few words out the reader will sense his frustration and urgency:

After a few seconds of hanging, his toes inches from the floor, Jack knew it wasn't good enough. The necktie felt more like an accessory than a murder weapon. "Am I doing this or not?" He jerked the knot and heard the shower shut off. Damn.

You don't need to spell it all out for the reader. We can see hanging, if he's tightening it we can guess where. If it's important that you describe where he is in reference to the bathroom (so he's the first thing she sees when she walks out, naked) describe that bedroom earlier in the story.
 
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butterfly

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First three sentences of my WIP:

Kat Caruso chewed on her pen cap and studied the top of her tutor’s bent head. Ashley Wu’s shiny black hair was pulled back into a ponytail, held in place by a…banana clip.

Seriously?

(WIP is new adult romance)

hmm ... trying to be the student here chewing on the pen cap. I can't be studying the top of her bent head and see her ponytail pulled back, because that shows me it's behind her head and would not therefore see the banana clip. So, either the hair is on top of her head or she's looking at the back of her head, which makes no sense because you would think the tutor would be facing her or sitting next to her, in which case wouldn't she be wondering why the student was staring at her? (And I don't get what's wrong with a banana clip ... maybe that's just me.)

Picture the scene, write it down, mess with it a bit then you'll have it.
 

MeganJoWrites

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hmm ... trying to be the student here chewing on the pen cap. I can't be studying the top of her bent head and see her ponytail pulled back, because that shows me it's behind her head and would not therefore see the banana clip. So, either the hair is on top of her head or she's looking at the back of her head, which makes no sense because you would think the tutor would be facing her or sitting next to her, in which case wouldn't she be wondering why the student was staring at her? (And I don't get what's wrong with a banana clip ... maybe that's just me.)

Picture the scene, write it down, mess with it a bit then you'll have it.

Thanks for your comments!

When a person's head is bent, you can see the crown of their head, which is where you wear a ponytail or pull your hair back. Banana clips are huge. The student would see the banana clip.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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I dunno. Bronze skin on its own makes me think his skin is made of bronze.

Ok then, how about 'bronzed'?

But even if we're going down the metaphorical route, are you really, honestly telling me that if it said 'she touched his bronze skin' you'd think she was talking about a bronze statue riding a horse?

No. Don't be so bloomin literal, ya silly squirrul! :tongue
 

Buffysquirrel

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Ok then, how about 'bronzed'?

But even if we're going down the metaphorical route, are you really, honestly telling me that if it said 'she touched his bronze skin' you'd think she was talking about a bronze statue riding a horse?

No. Don't be so bloomin literal, ya silly squirrul! :tongue

Eh. I speak as I find. After all, it could be SFF.
 

BethS

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The medics, through application of what they termed "heroic means", kept The Creature alive for nearly a day beyond would would normally be expected. The intern who told me this in the waiting room some time past midnight seemed proud of it. I asked her what would "normally be expected."

I like this! I found myself asking the same question as the character, so that's a good sign.

Typo: should be 'what would,' not 'would would'
 

BethS

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She reached for him, her fingers sliding against this thigh, his bronze skin slick with sweat.

Which, to me as reader, is a damn fine, sharp, clear, vivid sentence. The little excerpt presented is solidly written, and attention paid to plucking out the littler superfluous, meaningless words and phrases will do a lot to make it shine the way it deserves to.

caw

I considered saying something about the adjectives but thought I was maybe being too picky. But you're right; it's far better with the trimming.
 

ebbrown

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Agree with what Kallithrix said. As a quick editorial recommendation, this serves as a good example of how to ferret out extraneous words. Eliminating the words I struck out, the sentence becomes:

She reached for him, her fingers sliding against this thigh, his bronze skin slick with sweat.

Which, to me as reader, is a damn fine, sharp, clear, vivid sentence. The little excerpt presented is solidly written, and attention paid to plucking out the littler superfluous, meaningless words and phrases will do a lot to make it shine the way it deserves to.

caw

Thank you, I am loving this input, and you guys are cracking me the heck up!!
I'm always looking for new ways to describe the color of Winn's skin; he is half native, half Norse.

PS- I used to have a horse I called my 'war pony'. That silly little menace bucked like a bronco and bit like a rabid dog, except when we rode with her favorite gelding buddy. Ah, those were the good old days!
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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Thank you, I am loving this input, and you guys are cracking me the heck up!!
I'm always looking for new ways to describe the color of Winn's skin; he is half native, half Norse.

Native wot? Depends where this is set... ;)

PS- I used to have a horse I called my 'war pony'. That silly little menace bucked like a bronco and bit like a rabid dog, except when we rode with her favorite gelding buddy. Ah, those were the good old days!

I used to ride a Welsh Cobb that was as wide as a tank and twice as thick skinned. He had a neck like a ruddy tree trunk and the hardest mouth that was impervious to almost any type of bit, so steering was somewhat non existent. He was kinda like Juggernaut from X Men - once he got up some pace you literally could not stop him, not for bushes, fences, barbed wire, sheer cliff edges... I often thought he'd have made a good war horse simply because nothing short of a canon would stop him and he could just ram the opposition off the field.

Then again, you'd only ride him to war once, coz it'd probably be a suicide mission ;)
 
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ebbrown

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Native wot? Depends where this is set... ;)



I used to ride a Welsh Cobb that was as wide as a tank and twice as thick skinned. He had a neck like a ruddy tree trunk and the hardest mouth that was impervious to almost any type of bit, so steering was somewhat non existent. He was kinda like Juggernaut from X Men - once he got up some pace you literally could not stop him, not for bushes, fenches, barbed wire, sheer cliff edges... I often thought he'd have made a good war horse simply because nothing short of a canon would stop him and he could just ram the opposition off the field.

Then again, you'd only ride him to war once, coz it'd probably be a suicide mission ;)

Ack, sorry, Native American/Norse, early 1600s. Strange combo, I know, but, that's how my head works haha!

Omg, a Welsh Cobb!! I'm jealous, always wanted one of those!!

Maybe my daughter needs a pony..hmmm??!!
 

annetpfeffer

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From Girls Love Travis Walker, coming 2013

Only fifteen minutes since I’d entered the halls of Perdido High School and already the beady eye of authority was upon me. I hadn’t even done anything wrong.

Yet.
 

Bertram Fox

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The medics, through application of what they termed "heroic means", kept The Creature alive for nearly a day beyond would would normally be expected. The intern who told me this, in the waiting room some time past midnight, seemed proud of it. I asked her what would "normally be expected."

caw
Agree with Chris M about the commas, though I'd put them as above. Without some kind of break like that, the sentence is way too long. But apart from that, it works. The story is already interesting, and the speaker has a personality.
 

Bertram Fox

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Well, when you started out with "Bella" and "erotic" I was none too sure, but you won me over. In both of these, the writing is good and the voice is great.
Thanks. I feel it tells the reader right away what to expect: it's a BDSM novel but it's not going to be dream castles and rich aristocrats.

But now you mention it, I'm not sure about the name. And the hero's name is Larry, I might have to rethink both of those.
 

Buffysquirrel

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I often thought he'd have made a good war horse simply because nothing short of a canon would stop him and he could just ram the opposition off the field.

Unless they were well supplied with clerics, presumably.

*wanders off to pedant elsewhere*
 

korrinblue

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First three sentences of my WIP:

Kat Caruso chewed on her pen cap and studied the top of her tutor’s bent head. Ashley Wu’s shiny black hair was pulled back into a ponytail, held in place by a…banana clip.

Seriously?
(WIP is new adult romance)

Some will likely disagree by I think it speaks as is. Maybe move the ellipses from by a...banana, to by...a banana clip.
 
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