[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

TMCan said:

From the moment her foot descended into the water, the bath water and bubbles turned from a cheerful, bright white to a soft, comforting pink. The hot water was the perfect thing to relax Bethany after her long day. It was rare that she had such a physically active day and now her body just wanted to unwind.

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The first sentence is a bit of adjective soup. To break it down elementally, a foot "descends" into water (which happens in an adverbial phrase), and bubbles "turn." You're relying too much on 4 adjectives (really 6, since "white" and "pink" are more descriptors than objects) carrying the sentence.

From there, I don't get a whole lot that I haven't seen before. Hot water relaxes someone, a body wants to unwind after a physically active day, etc. Nothing quite pops off the page: "hot water," "perfect thing," "relax," "long day," "it was rare that she had," "physically active," etc. The verbs are "descend," "turn," "be," "relax," "be," "have," want" and "unwind." The least generic and most active ones (descend, relax and unwind) appear respectively as an adverbial phrase, infinitive, and is hypothetical (her body doesn't actually unwind; it merely wants to).

I'm not trying to harp so much as I'm just trying to be diligent. It's hard to turn a buzz word like making writing "pop" into constructive feedback without diving deep into theory and grammar.

And this isn't all to say that either your character needs to be firing rocket launchers or the prose need to be purple to pick up the slack. This is merely to say that with all the ornamental phrases and so forth, the paragraph isn't saying much more than simple directives would. "Bethany's sore body unwound in the hot bath. The cheerful bubbles softened to a comforting pink." Really the only things we lose is that it's rare that she has physically active days (the sore body begs the question, "Why is it sore," so if this is important, we can get into it later), and the very colloquially obvious, "Hot baths sure do hit the spot after a long day."

If these 16 words don't excite you, then your 58-word expanded doesn't solve that problem, since it doesn't achieve anything more than phrase it in a fattier, less direct way. And if that's the case, then the problem has more to do with what's happening and what words are being used to describe what's happening.

CWHs2 said:

Is a word missing here?

I like this but feel it's a little wordy for a beginning hook. I would read on though.

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Oh my... It certainly is. That was meant to be "I am terribly sorry"
The old man owes the demon. The demon is generally acts as a man of business and has a very specific way of speaking to his clients. Polite, but very to-the-point and fairly manipulative. Think of a sharp, well dressed old lawyer, as would be explained in the next paragraph. The scene closes with him convincing the old man to sign a second contract in order to pay off the first, essentially doubling the profit he's making off the man. He remains polite simply because he's well aware he can outwit his clients.

TheCthultist said:

"I am terribly, Mr. Bradley, but I'm afraid 'more time' just isn't something we can give you. You agreed to pay this debt on the day of your death and, as it would happen, your last day on earth begins in precisely seven hours and twenty-three minutes. You simply don't have any 'more time' to acquire the amount we agreed upon."

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This is exposition in dialog. People don't summarize information that the other person in the conversation already knows, so we can very clearly see the hand of the author just trying to make the juiciest setup possible. This is the "as you know ... " cliche. Different genres might have different conventions regarding this, but there are a lot of readers who would roll their eyes.

I think this particular instance is easy enough to fix, though; for example:

"I am terribly sorry, Mr. Bradley, but I'm afraid 'more time' just isn't something we can give you. You have just seven hours and twenty-three minutes [to pay your debt / left on earth / etc]."

You have the entire rest of the story to fill in the finer details. Besides, stories are more interesting to read when I have questions I hope the next sentence will answer. If I'm into the action by the time I have an inkling of why time is running out on this character, then I'm going to be much more hooked than if you simply open the story with, "Here's the entirety of the premise in the intro; take it or leave it, reader."

surviva316 said:

This is exposition in dialog. People don't summarize information that the other person in the conversation already knows, so we can very clearly see the hand of the author just trying to make the juiciest setup possible. This is the "as you know ... " cliche. Different genres might have different conventions regarding this, but there are a lot of readers who would roll their eyes.

I think this particular instance is easy enough to fix, though; for example:

"I am terribly sorry, Mr. Bradley, but I'm afraid 'more time' just isn't something we can give you. You have just seven hours and twenty-three minutes [to pay your debt / left on earth / etc]."

You have the entire rest of the story to fill in the finer details. Besides, stories are more interesting to read when I have questions I hope the next sentence will answer. If I'm into the action by the time I have an inkling of why time is running out on this character, then I'm going to be much more hooked than if you simply open the story with, "Here's the entirety of the premise in the intro; take it or leave it, reader."

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Actually, that was kind of the revelation here. I can't expect it to be obvious from just the thirst few sentences, but the idea was that the old man had no idea he was about to die the very next day. He knows he's old, that he COULD die soon, but the fact that the broker knows precisely when he's going to die takes him by surprise and, in his shock, he agrees to a new deal that he never would have were he been in a calm state of mind.

In addition, time running out isn't the issue in this story. It's what the man agreed to pay. It's never revealed until the end just what promised to pay this demon, and the fact that he agrees to pay something else in addition to prolong the time he has to pay off the first deal adds to the question of just what was so important about that first contract that he's this desperate to pay it off.

Anyway, thanks again for the critique!

TheCthultist, your dialogue opening didn't show that Mr. Bradley had no idea he was dying. So chances are you would have to insert this astonishment in the following sentences and some of the elements in the opening lines will have become redundant.

What if the speaker talks about the deadline within seven hours and twenty-three minutes (not mentioning death) and Bradley, in a shock, ask why so fast.

Bing Z said:

What if the speaker talks about the deadline within seven hours and twenty-three minutes (not mentioning death) and Bradley, in a shock, ask why so fast.

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That is perfect actually. Again, I wish I could have conveyed more with the first statement but so much of it comes up in the lines following it that it really would be redundant to say anything else. What you're suggesting here seems like the simplest way to get the point across without blatantly repeating myself over and over throughout it. Thanks!

TheCthultist said:

Actually, that was kind of the revelation here. I can't expect it to be obvious from just the thirst few sentences, but the idea was that the old man had no idea he was about to die the very next day.

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Right, but at this point, everything's a revelation to the reader, so that particular revelation doesn't need to be the one we get right from the get-go. You can just go:

"You only have 7:23 to right your debt."

"But the deal was that I had until I died."

"Precisely" *winky face.*

Not exactly like that, obviously, but it reveals the same information to the reader without opening with some expository paragraph by one of the characters.

TMCan said:

From The moment her foot descended into the water, the bath water and bubbles turned from a cheerful, bright white to a soft, comforting pink. The hot water was the perfect thing to relax Bethany after her long day. It was rare that she had such a physically active day and now her body just wanted to unwind.
-------------------------

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It seems to me that the water is as much a character as Bethany. Not knowing how the story turns out, I'm unsure whether that is advisable or not. It is different. And I'm generally in favor of different.

But whether that water is, or is not, the verb choices throughout seem too passive.

If the water is a character, then "turned" (in sentence 1) is inadequate. Then the 2nd sentence sentence feels like it's just marking time. Stalling. And 3rd sentence veers away from water to Stephanie.

I agree with the suggestion to reverse the sentence order. 321 becomes 123.

Thanks for sharing.

p.s., I would delete the first word.

Wondering if it might be helpful to put a marker at the beginning of my story, thus:

Ontario, Canada: July 1965

[and then the rest of the story]

What do you think? Or is that just a lazy way of avoiding setting the time and place within the first 3 sentences?

cabbottrailreview - I just finished a short where the place and date were integral to the story but never mentioned, so I used that information as the title. I think in a short we should only provide information completely necessary to the story, so if it's absolutely integral that your setting be that place and month, yes; if the reader will get a sense that the story is, say, set in Canada in the summertime in the mid sixties and that's all the information they absolutely need then no.

Here goes nothing then, my first three lines for this forum:

You can see the bus stop just ahead, tauntingly unreachable. The floor settles as the engine is switched off, and your fellow passengers collectively hold their breath as they pretend to not see the boys. You look, hoping to see the fear or anger or sense of righteousness that compels them, but you can focus on nothing except the irresistible lines of their knives.

cabottrailreview said:

Wondering if it might be helpful to put a marker at the beginning of my story, thus:

Ontario, Canada: July 1965

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I think this is a perfectly legitimate format.

clemency said:

You can see the bus stop just ahead, tauntingly unreachable. The floor {what floor? Are we on the bus?} settles as the engine is switched off {like mechanical failure or the driver switches it off?}, and your fellow passengers collectively {this sounds like they count to three and hold breaths together.} hold their breath as they pretend {how do we know they pretend?} to not see the boys. You look {I thought this means look at the boys, but what follows suggests look at the other passengers}, hoping to see the fear or anger or sense of righteousness that compels them, but you can focus on nothing except the irresistible lines of their knives.{are these real knives or a metaphor? A clarity issue.}

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I haven't read many 2nd person perspective stories so plz take with truckload of salt. Anyway, I think what doesn't work for me the most is the forcibly shoving of emotions down my throat rather than by illustrating the urgency and behaviors/expressions and let the readers to "feel." Further, the 2P MC is all but an observer. He/she despises the other passengers for not looking at the boys, but he/she isn't either (instead is observing the other passengers.)

Got no other experience writing 2P but this story demanded it.

From your reply, I think more practical setup less emotional force-feeding and something to suggest who the POV character is and why they're so detached from the other passengers.

Thanks for your words, they're actually very useful.

Here's mine:

[FONT=&quot]That cream skinned tike towered over my pitiful being. Nearby adults escaped my line of sight. My heart pumped harder simply because fear formed a sword from the depths of my spirit. [/FONT]

Clemency: My first published short story switched back and forth between 2nd and 3rd person. It can work very well, and I like it as a device to pop the reader into a different headspace. I don't know if I could pull it off as a complete 2p pov through the entire story - but maybe you can. I do agree with some of Bing Z's edits, most notably the use of active present tense: "you see" rather than "you can see". Maybe say "the bus driver kills the engine" to confirm to the reader that we're on the bus. "Kills" also nods forward to the gang with knives (that I assume is on the bus?). "Collectively" is unnecessary (implicit in "your fellow passengers" as a group).

I like your opening, and I would read on.

And btw thanks to Bing Z for your comment about my opening tag.

Kakko said:

Here's mine:

[FONT=&quot]That cream skinned tike towered over my pitiful being. Nearby adults escaped my line of sight. My heart pumped harder simply because as fear formed a sword from the depths of my spirit. [/FONT]

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With a metaphoric sword deep inside, it's supposed to be agonizing, but the phrasing is too downbeat & genteel. Suggest rephrasing this line. Eg: ...fear petrified into a stone sword that thrust into the deepest of my spirit...

Kakko said:

Here's mine:

[FONT=&quot]That cream skinned tike towered over my pitiful being. Nearby adults escaped my line of sight. My heart pumped harder simply because fear formed a sword from the depths of my spirit. [/FONT]

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I would shorten the description as much as is possible. So instead of "cream skinned", I would say "pale" or something similar. In addition to Bing Z's suggestion.

Since I don't see anything from Bing, here's mine:

Vanryl sought distraction in the journal’s discussion of the immune response; instead he found himself sweating and his heart racing at the similarities between the macrophages and his Tzhel allies. Nausea joined the enfilade at the sound of Tzhel vivisecting virosorcerers for presentation to the Fireblood Node. The reptiles were every bit uncaring as the virosorcerers whose vaccines had savaged the mind of Vanryl’s newborn

Thunderclap Harrier said:

Vanryl the virosorcerer studied the immunology journals’ conclusions. He began shaking at the implications of the inhumane conclusions. It’s the fucking side effects, there is absolutely no medical innovation worth the risk of psychic decay.

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You have two instances of conclusion in two sentences and yet other than inhumane you've not indicated what conclusion. Okay, it must be something about psychic decay (which I'm not sure what it is), and I'm still very confused and uncertain.

I suggest using specifics and take out the generic stuff.

Also in the first sentence, virosorcerer gives me a fantasy feel, yet immunology sounds like science. Is the contrast done intentionally?

Vanryl will be my take on the idiocy, and dangers, of the anti-vaccination movement. However, I wasn't sure if directly addressing their assertion that the vaccines cause autism would be entirely appropriate. So rather than use the actual condition, I made up a fantasy version. I have it in mind that this is a science-fantasy, hence you have terms from both genres.

In the case of the virosorcerers, they are a school that believes sorcery is something akin to a virus that can be broken and turned into a weapon. As virus proteins can be used in the production of vaccines. I omitted this information because as a fantasy reader, I tend to gloss over explanations of the novel's elements that break the pacing.

Thunderclap Harrier said:

Vanryl will be my take on the idiocy, and dangers, of the anti-vaccination movement. However, I wasn't sure if directly addressing their assertion that the vaccines cause autism would be entirely appropriate. So rather than use the actual condition, I made up a fantasy version. I have it in mind that this is a science-fantasy, hence you have terms from both genres.

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Google failed me on Vanryl so you'll have to explain it to make it meaningful. That takes the term out of the opening. Maybe you can work backwards, show the end result--autism--and have the virosorcerers ponder are they or their work the culprit. Don't need the term until you have the spare moment. But the point is that you need to give us something solid to hold on to. An "inhumane conclusion" isn't solid enough.

Thunderclap Harrier said:

In the case of the virosorcerers, they are a school that believes sorcery is something akin to a virus that can be broken and turned into a weapon. As virus proteins can be used in the production of vaccines. I omitted this information because as a fantasy reader, I tend to gloss over explanations of the novel's elements that break the pacing.

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Virosorcerers gave me a sense of sorcerers who work with/against virus, which I guess is good enough for now. I agree you don't have to give the definition at this moment, probably never if you can show what they do and don't. I just want you to know I paused right after the first sentence and reread the line. Thus, it did break the pace. Maybe it is just me though ^_^.

It was a million-dollar idea. Put a booth, very similar to those old photo booths, in any city street and connect it to the internet through a webcam.

Bing Z said:

With a metaphoric sword deep inside, it's supposed to be agonizing, but the phrasing is too downbeat & genteel. Suggest rephrasing this line. Eg: ...fear petrified into a stone sword that thrust into the deepest of my spirit...

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Thanks. In the opening scene my main character is being bullied and beat up in a schoolyard fight and I wanted to show her hopelessness. The sword reference comes from her actually obtaining a sword and using it in combat later in the story.

Thunderclap Harrier said:

Vanryl the virosorcerer studied the immunology journals’ conclusions. He began shaking at the implications violence on a microscopic level that was justified by the assertion that it helped people. It’s the fucking side effects, there is absolutely no medical innovation worth the risk of cerebral retardation.

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You should try and provide more details on the "inhumane conclusion" and how powerful it was for Vanryl to deal with it. For example, he could be greatly sweating or lose his breath upon making this discovery.

Noted and thanks to both of you! I have revised the second line, and will see about adding some more visceral reactions. I'd considered sweats and shortness of breath.

@Maxmordon: I'd like a third sentence that hints at the purpose of those booths. Maybe discussing what the person behind the booths hopes to gain from them.

[FONT=&quot]This is from a story in the mainstream queue of SYW awaiting evisceration.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Dust clouds billow behind us like a thunderhead rolling down from Nebraska. As we barrel along the tree line at the edge of our bean field, the dead Chestnut appears and then vanishes into the yellow storm. That means[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the pasture fence has gotta be coming up soon, but we’re not slowing for the turn.[/FONT]

smoothopr8r said:

[FONT=&quot]This is from a story in the mainstream queue of SYW awaiting evisceration.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Dust clouds billow behind us like a thunderhead rolling down from Nebraska. As we barrel along the tree line at the edge of our bean field, the dead Chestnut appears and then vanishes into the yellow storm. That means[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the pasture fence has gotta be coming up soon, but we’re not slowing for the turn.[/FONT]

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I would cut appears. Since you say that the Chestnut vanishes, you're implying that it is already present. Try redoing your third sentence so that it ties back into your first one. That could help us figure out the significance of the dust storm.

Another set:

He grew up in the dark and knows that he is the only monster dwelling in the vaulted halls. His slit-nostrils detect a confectionary odor; he hobbles to the far end of his room. Oil beads on his scales from exertion, itching, so he scratches it and snags a patch of desiccated skin that flutters to the ground near the dead monster—No, she was Tutor, he thinks as he crouches by the corpse.

Thunderclap Harrier said:

He grew up in the dark and knows that he is the only monster dwelling in the vaulted halls. His slit-nostrils detect a confectionary odor; he hobbles to the far end of his room. Oil beads on his scales from exertion, itching, so he scratches it and snags a patch of desiccated skin that flutters to the ground near the dead monster—No, she was Tutor, he thinks as he crouches by the corpse.

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Intriguing start, I want to know more about a scaly monster with a dead tutor in the room with it.

He knows, he thinks -- these types of phrases filter the experience and create an arm's length feel to a narrative. Nothing in the least wrong that, if it's what you're going for.

Would he think of his "slit nostrils"? more filtering, and kind of violates POV, a double whammy.

In the second sentence, "oil beads on his scales". I started out reading it as the noun form of "beads" which confused me when I got to "itching". Might re-word it to make it clear from the get-go that we're talking verb-form here. "Oil beaded on his scales ..." or something?

I would read on.