Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

Pearl said:

OK, I'll change the wording a bit. As for the "snap" open, I always saw it as indicating someone woke with a start - which is a line I could use instead now that I think of it.

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Er, well...that's not exactly fresh, either.

Look. Your character is a vampire. What is the first interesting thing that a vampire does after waking up? Not the ordinary stuff we all do, but the weird, other-worldly vampirish stuff. Something that instantly tells the reader she's not in Kansas any more.

That would be a better place to start.

BethS said:

Er, well...that's not exactly fresh, either.

Look. Your character is a vampire. What is the first interesting thing that a vampire does after waking up? Not the ordinary stuff we all do, but the weird, other-worldly vampirish stuff. Something that instantly tells the reader she's not in Kansas any more.

That would be a better place to start.

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Not in Kansas anymore...I like that!

K, off to brainstorm!

Pearl said:

I figured having the MC wake up in the opening scene would work because the rest of the chapter takes a look at what her life is like now.

In the previous book, she is forced to become a vampire and wrestles with the idea of being one. For book 2, she is one and is still adjusting to her new existence.

Feel free to let me know if the opening still doesn't work.

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See, for me it would be MUCH more engaging if you started with her dealing with the reality of being a vampire. Like, if she has to drink blood, start us there. Throw us right in the heart of her issues.

Again, that's my opinion and I am far from an expert.

BethS said:

The thing about opening with a scene like this, is that it moves us about as much as if we were reading about this in a newspaper. We think, "Wow. Sad," and turn to the sports section.

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Understood. Great advice. Thanks.

Vindicated said:

See, for me it would be MUCH more engaging if you started with her dealing with the reality of being a vampire. Like, if she has to drink blood, start us there. Throw us right in the heart of her issues.

Again, that's my opinion and I am far from an expert.

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I actually appreciate your input because it is worth considering. However, I am a bit hesitant to turn completely away from this opening scene, I must admit. The thing is, I'm writing the sequel to my first book here and I understand sequels continue from where the first one ended. There is a lot more going on here besides the MC adjusting to life as a vampire. The part I wrote is about her relationship with her maker, who hid his vampiric self when they dated for a short while. That relationship is a big part of the books I am writing.

ETA: actually, a thought has come to me. I think I'll work on that one and see what develops. Yeah, writing a sequel is all about what direction you want the whole story to go through. The relationship part is not as important now. I'll see what this idea can do to my story.

Thanks!

So here's what i've got going for the final edit. Curious to know what it captures in the imagination of readers.

"It was an innocuous trip to the city to buy provisions. Yet, a mere hour later, Lensar was swimming in guilt. The thicket and brambles of the forest seized every opportunity to ensnare him as he ran toward the boundaries of his family’s land."

BethS said:

Look. Your character is a vampire. What is the first interesting thing that a vampire does after waking up? Not the ordinary stuff we all do, but the weird, other-worldly vampirish stuff. Something that instantly tells the reader she's not in Kansas any more.

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I agree with this. Especially considering how "hot" the vampire market is. Look at it this way. If you sub'd this to an agent/publisher, do you think they'd be captivated by those first three sentences? Better yet, would a prospective reader pick up your book, read those lines, and think "I need to know more" ? Try to see the beginning of your book like a pitch. If you can't get them hooked in the first few sentences, then you can't get them hooked. Ofcourse, take this with the grain you so choose. I'm just asserting my oppinion.

"Monroe Dempsey watched, numb and empty, as the child-sized coffin slowly descended the depths to its final resting place. Within the tiny mahogany box, lay the charred remains of her five-year-old daughter, Freyja. Monroe struggled to remember her daughter as she was just four short weeks ago."[/QUOTE]

I liked this and could picture the scene really well.

I don't think you always have to do show instead of tell - it's all about finding a balance of the 2. Sometimes tell works really well especially with emotions like numb and empty. Not everyone shed tears, etc when experiencing great grief and especially at funerals. Sometimes people really do sit there looking completely spacey and well... blank - which is what I think you are conveying with this character.

Nicely done

Merenwen said:

So here's what i've got going for the final edit. Curious to know what it captures in the imagination of readers.

"It was an innocuous trip to the city to buy provisions. Yet, a mere hour later, Lensar was swimming in guilt. The thicket and brambles of the forest seized every opportunity to ensnare him as he ran toward the boundaries of his family’s land."

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I like this. It says, "We started at point A and we ended at point Z and you have to read more if you want to know the middle." But the third sentence strikes me as odd. Perhaps instead of starting with, "The thicket and brambles..." you might want to start with, "As he ran towards the boundaries of his family's land..." Let's put the action up front. This is your hook, after all.

fred21 said:

I don't think you always have to do show instead of tell - it's all about finding a balance of the 2. Sometimes tell works really well especially with emotions like numb and empty. Not everyone shed tears, etc when experiencing great grief and especially at funerals. Sometimes people really do sit there looking completely spacey and well... blank - which is what I think you are conveying with this character.

Nicely done

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Thank you, Fred! "Blank" is exactly the emotion (if one can consider "blank" and emotion...and in this instance, I do) I was trying to convey. In the next few sentences, I go on to explain how emotionally drained the MC is after her daughter vanished from her bedroom, only to turn up, charred and unrecognizable, three weeks later in her own bed. I do think it could use some tweaking, but I'm glad someone was able to pick up on the subtle emotions (or lack thereof) that I was attempting to convey. It gives me hope that my WIP, as rough and unedited as it currently is, is headed in the right direction.

Blinkk said:

I like this. It says, "We started at point A and we ended at point Z and you have to read more if you want to know the middle." But the third sentence strikes me as odd. Perhaps instead of starting with, "The thicket and brambles..." you might want to start with, "As he ran towards the boundaries of his family's land..." Let's put the action up front. This is your hook, after all.

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Thanks for the input! I hadn't even considered the third sentence as a weak spot. It's good food for thought!

johnnysannie said:

Her sleek 1971 GTO coupe, red as lifeblood, hugged the tight curves and skimmed over the rugged Ozark Mountains, graceful as a soaring hawk. Cecily drove like a demon possessed but she held the road and savored the thrill. Everything important she wanted or needed into the two big suitcases and one smaller bag crammed into the trunk.

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Caspi said:

Too much is crammed here. I would dilute it a bit. For example:

Her 1971 GTO coupe hugged the curving road around the Ozark Mountains. Cecily drove like a demon, savoring the thrill and the passing ragged view. Everything important to her was inside the two suitcases and the bag crammed into the trunk.


BTW, I think your last sentence is not grammatically correct.

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Might want to change the thing about "crammed into the trunk." The trunk of a '71 GTO is only slightly less cavernous than my house!

Bill

Pearl said:

The thing is, I'm writing the sequel to my first book here and I understand sequels continue from where the first one ended.

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In a general sense, yes. But in terms of the story, you have a lot of latitude. A sequel could start a year later and a thousand miles away, if that's what the story calls for.

Merenwen said:

So here's what i've got going for the final edit. Curious to know what it captures in the imagination of readers.

"It was an innocuous trip to the city to buy provisions. Yet, a mere hour later, Lensar was swimming in guilt. The thicket and brambles of the forest seized every opportunity to ensnare him as he ran toward the boundaries of his family’s land."

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Well, I definitely want to know why he's feeling guilty. I hope you'll reveal that in short order.

Although I am wondering why you didn't just show it real time.

Merenwen said:

Thanks for the input! I hadn't even considered the third sentence as a weak spot. It's good food for thought!

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Fwiw and just to confuse you , I like the third sentence right where it is, and here's why. The first sentence sets up the situation and the second one reveals that it all went wrong. Those are both "zoomed out" in terms of narrative distance. Then the camera "zooms in" to the immediacy of the brambles and presumably stays zoomed in. It's a perfectly valid technique.

Huey Benson paced the front room, face red with hurt and humiliation. The newspaper front page lay on the table, mocking him. He picked it up and slammed it down, the offending headline and picture turned away.

BrumBall said:

Huey Benson paced the front room, face red with hurt and humiliation. The newspaper front page lay on the table, mocking him. He picked it up and slammed it down, the offending headline and picture turned away.

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The problem with this opening is that each sentence is constructed the same way:

Main clause, dependent clause. Main clause, dependent clause. Main clause, dependent clause.

This sets up a monotonous rhythm. You need to vary your sentence structure.

Also, the POV is uncertain. It's not Huey's, because he can't see his own face.

Finally, instead of him hiding the headline and photo, why not include a description of it? Let the reader see what he sees.

Huey Benson paced the front room, face red with hurt and humiliation. The newspaper front page lay on the table, mocking him. He picked it up and slammed it down, the offending headline and picture turned away.

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A lots of telling, which makes it too wordy. A counter example (a rough cut):
Red-faced and muttering, Huey Benson paced in front of the coffee table. The newspaper front page lay on top of it, his picture under the mocking headline.

Thanks Beth and Caspi. Good call on the POV. It is supposed to be Huey's, so if I change 'red' to 'burning' it should solve that.

My sentence structure is usually quite varied. I don't know why I did this paragraph all the same way! The headline/photo is explained in the conversation that follows immediately after this paragraph, so hopefully that's okay. Thanks again.

Huey Benson paced the front room, face burning with hurt and humiliation. A newspaper lay on the coffee table. He picked it up and slammed it down, headline and picture turned away.

BrumBall said:

Huey Benson paced the front room, face burning with hurt and humiliation. A newspaper lay on the coffee table. He picked it up and slammed it down, headline and picture turned away.

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Better. But cut "with hurt and humiliation," because it's telling. You don't need it. Also, I assume he's upset because he's seen the newspaper already. But when you say, "A newspaper lay on the coffee table," that sounds like it's a random paper he's seeing for the first time. So maybe the newspaper could already be in his hand while he's pacing.

And since you said there's a conversation that follows this, why not go ahead and start that, and let him slam the newspaper down as part of that, maybe as a reaction to what the other person says.

Also, can you get us into his head a little? This still sounds like it's being observed from outside.

Huey Benson paced the front room, face burning with hurt and humiliation. A newspaper lay on the coffee table. He picked it up and slammed it down, headline and picture turned away.

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It is better, but as BethS has pointed out, you're missing factoids. Here’s another suggestion that gets you right down to business:
Huey Benson paced the front room, face burning. A newspaper lay on the coffee table, the front page billboarding his picture and a mocking headline. He picked it up and slammed it down. “Bloody, lying journalists! I’m gonna sue someone for that.”

Good idea Beth. In fact, I may go a step further and have him tear it up and throw it at her. That should show how hurt and angry he is quite effectively!

Caspi said:

It is better, but as BethS has pointed out, you're missing factoids. Here’s another suggestion that gets you right down to business:
Huey Benson paced the front room, face burning. A newspaper lay on the coffee table, the front page billboarding his picture and a mocking headline. He picked it up and slammed it down. “Bloody, lying journalists! I’m gonna sue someone for that.”

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I like it!

From my new YA dark contemp. Not 3 sentences, but it only works with the whole two paras:

When the doorbell rang, I knew it was the police. I wondered whether they’d come for me first, or if Jas was already waiting in a police cell, shivering in his blood-stained t-shirt.
The snow was still choking the roads outside, so I put on my coat. As I fastened the collar with shaking fingers, I remembered what Mum always used to say when I aced a spelling test, or when I found a lucky penny on the street. We all get what we deserve in the end.
Like always, she was right. So I wiped away my guilty tears, and opened the door.

LadyA said:

From my new YA dark contemp. Not 3 sentences, but it only works with the whole two paras:

When the doorbell rang, I knew it was the police. I wondered whether they’d come for me first, or if Jas was already waiting in a police cell, shivering in his blood-stained t-shirt.
The snow was still choking the roads outside, so I put on my coat. As I fastened the collar with shaking fingers, I remembered what Mum always used to say when I aced a spelling test, or when I found a lucky penny on the street. We all get what we deserve in the end.
Like always, she was right. So I wiped away my guilty tears, and opened the door.

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I'm digging this except for the "fastened the collar". I would think "zip/button up". Maybe I just do not have a sense of what kind of coat this is.