Grandma Susie's House of FUNNERS 'N FLOOZIES (Volume V)

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Angyl78

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This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


I really really really should take offense to that; but alas, it is WAY to funny. :D
 

SWest

In the garden...
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AC?

I was in the Navy for five years, we've told worse.

All in good love...

Don't mind him.

He's accidentally fastened his pants...

:banana:

ETA: And I swear to Frawg...today I overheard a certain PBS chef caution her viewers to choose a large enough knife to cut through a butternut squash...
 

bettielee

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uh, I read that joke in an email, and went looking for it, couldn't find it, googled it and cut and pasted it off of a joke site. I didn't change any joke to make it mean. I've seen this same joke for years and years.

I'm sorry if it offended anyone.
 
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Alessandra Kelley

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David Cameron visited a hospital.

"And how are you today?" he asked the patient in the first bed.

"Wee, sleekit, cow'rin tim'rous beastie," the man howled at him. Cameron smiled and moved on.

"And how are you, madam?" he asked the next patient.

She looked at him gravely and said, "Some hae meat and cannae eat."

Somewhat unnerved, Cameron turned to the third patient. "And how are you today?"

"The rank is but the guinea's stamp," said the third patient.

Cameron turned to the nurse. "Is this the psychiatric unit?"

"No, it's the Serious Burns Unit."
 
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GailD

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In his book, The Joy of Lex, Gyles Brandreth shares a collection of funny signs that mangle the English Language. Here are some:

Notice on campsite in Italy

By order of the police, one obliges the frequenters of the Camping to are wearing bath-costumes that are not giving offence to the morals.

Notice in Tokyo hotel

It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not to do such is please not read notis.

Notice in French cafe

Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consummation.

Notice in Austrian hotel

In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter.

Notice in an Italian hotel

Visitors are requested not to throw coffee or other matter into the basin. Why else it stuffs the place inconvenient for the other world.

Notice from festival in Pamplona, Spain

People must not:

To walk around alone, or in groups, in an inadequate form and adopting attitudes that denote a personal bad state, to offend the elemental conduct.

To make noises and scandals in the sight of the public and establishments.

Sit down or lie down in sight of the public, to obstruct the freedom of the people.

To break or tear objects in the sight of the public or crowded places.

No utilizing ponds, fountains, for personal use.

From a guidebook to Malta

Although every possible care has been taken, I do not accept responsibility for inoccurancies.

:D
 

alleycat

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Good morning, house of chips and dip.
 

Komnena

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Actual headline
Aldermen heed mayor, back off crime plan.
I was really relieved at this. I was living in fear the aldermen were going to break into our house and steal all our books.
 

Komnena

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Then I'd be safe as there are no Sue Grafton books here. Dick Francis, some Cadfaels but no Graftons.
 

WriterWho

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How is the House of Jokers doing today?

Joke (might actually be true):

Kid 1 states, "Mom, I know I don't feel well! I wasn't lying to the nurse, but that stupid thermometer said I didn't have a headache."
 
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alleycat

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We're not playing with a full deck.
 

Silent Rob

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Just shuffling on through.

*jazz hands*
 

Silent Rob

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I'd be willing to gamble on there being some sharp puns here tonight.
 
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