Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

[JustKia]

Originally Posted by BethS

Are you wanting rewrite suggestions?

No, just wondering if it's a better place to start. If it's any more interesting.

Milly tried to ignore [what does the noise sound like?] but it surrounded her. She cracked open her eyes, then tried lifting her head. A wave of nausea engulfed her. I won't throw up, I won't, I won't...

But thank you for ideas =)

[Substitious]

Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, had fought with the Board of Governors and lost. Being the inventor of the first time machine, he understood the implications of the technology far better than those who were only concerned with the fiduciary ramifications. He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished. This was not strictly true.

[Kallithrix]

Originally Posted by Substitious

Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, had fought with the Board of Governors and lost. Being the inventor of the first time machine, he understood the implications of the technology far better than those who were only concerned with the fiduciary ramifications. He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished. This was not strictly true.

Er... before the squirrul comes round and chews you a new one, you might want to revise your post - the title of the thread is the first 3 sentences...

Having said that, I think your opening sentence has less impact than the second, but perhaps combining them would work better:

As its inventor, Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, understood the implications of the world's first time machine far better than the Board of Governors. [I think you need an additional sentence here to link it to the next one, something about what he understands better than them] He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished. This was not strictly true.

Just my suggestions. Take em or leave em.

[Substitious]

Originally Posted by Kallithrix

...the title of the thread is the first 3 sentences...

Yes. I understand but that last sentence was needed as part of incentive to garner attention.

I appreciate the suggestion! I'll rework it.

[Substitious]

Originally Posted by Kallithrix

Having said that, I think your opening sentence has less impact than the second, but perhaps combining them would work better:

As its inventor, Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, understood the implications of the world's first time machine far better than the Board of Governors. [I think you need an additional sentence here to link it to the next one, something about what he understands better than them] He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished. This was not strictly true.

Just my suggestions. Take em or leave em.

"As its inventor, Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, understood the implications of the world's first time machine far better than the Board of Governors. They tended to focus on the potential financial impact for the university and to minimize the more glaring consequences. He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished."

Is this an improvement?

[Substitious]

Hey Kallithrix - Thanks for you input. I have re-read the entire first portion of the story and made adjustments to fit your suggestions. I appreciate that very much.

Man, I love writing. I look forward to learning a lot on this forum.

[BethS]

Originally Posted by Substitious

Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, had fought with the Board of Governors and lost. Being the inventor of the first time machine, he understood the implications of the technology far better than those who were only concerned with the fiduciary ramifications. He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished. This was not strictly true.

That's four sentences.

I understand but that last sentence was needed as part of incentive to garner attention.

That's fine if you're submitting the whole first paragraph or first page to someone. In this thread, you're only allowed three sentences, and no one gets to change that rule just because they think it doesn't apply to them.

[BethS]

Originally Posted by Substitious

"As its inventor, Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, understood the implications of the world's first time machine far better than the Board of Governors. They tended to focus on the potential financial impact for the university and to minimize the more glaring consequences. He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished."

Is this an improvement?

It flows better, yes. It reads like a textbook, though, or an article. There's no sign of an actual story.

[Willow M Stevens]

Originally Posted by JustKia

No, just wondering if it's a better place to start. If it's any more interesting.


But thank you for ideas =)

Would you mind quoting us the original and the new so we can compare more easily? That being said, I finally found the original at the bank, and I like it better w/the caveat that it be a scene at the bank's office as opposed to a summary of what happened. Where you're starting now (waking up w/the nausea) works because it's a scene, but I'm wanting to know 1) why she's nauseous, and 2) how she feels emotionally about being nauseous (which may be one and the same if it's nausea from nerves for example). The bank scene has more voice and puts us in the thick of the what the potential conflict is, whereas the waking up nauseous puts us squarely in Milly's POV but doesn't tell us much beyond that. Of the two, I'd be more likely to keep reading about the mortgage downsizing, but that's just me.

Hope this helps!

[Substitious]

Originally Posted by BethS

It flows better, yes. It reads like a textbook, though, or an article. There's no sign of an actual story.

Hmm. I'm going to have to noodle on that. Would you be willing to read the opening chapter?

[Willow M Stevens]

Originally Posted by Substitious

"As its inventor, Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, understood the implications of the world's first time machine far better than the Board of Governors. They tended to focus on the potential financial impact for the university and to minimize the more glaring consequences. He had argued that the project wasn't even close to being finished."

The reason you needed (in the original) that fourth sentence is probably because one of the first three needed deleting or reworking LOL. The whole point of this thread is to get the hook in the first 3 lines, to see if you can, well, hook us into reading more.

Just an aside -- I would encourage you to wait a few days to mentally chew on what everyone tells you before making a lot of edits and blindly accepting suggested changes. I love your enthusiasm and openness for feedback, and I wouldn't want you to lose your own voice in an effort just to make us happy.

That being said, my feedback on your new first three, I agree with BethS that it reads like a textbook, and my suspicion is that may be what you were going for, seeing as the MC is a professor/inventor. However, as a reader completely familiar with all the words used, it felt like I was wading through molasses, and I likely wouldn't have kept reading despite it being an interesting premise.

You might want to tighten it up by deleting extraneous words and being more picky about what big words you use when for a greater punch.

eg:
Original:
They tended to focus on the potential financial impact for the university and to minimize the more glaring consequences.

Possible redo:
Those greedy buffoons wanted to ignore the potential ramifications of [insert sci-fi quantum physics-y term here].

Or for a little more flavor:
Those morons saw nothing but dollar signs, consequences be damned!

I'm NOT saying I want you to use these examples. I AM saying, consider what you want your MC to sound like. There are more ways to come across as erudite than sounding like a walking encyclopedia. That being said, if you still want him to sound that way, try using it more in his dialogue and less during the narration to help with flow and prevent reader fatigue.

Just my two cents, hope this helps!

[Substitious]

I have a very small ego so cricism is gladly accepted. I need to tell this story and I want to tell it well. Thanks for being my guinea pigs. I'm taking a completely different tack here:

"Tell me Marcus, why is it that one finds that a university is invariably run by complete idiots?" Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, was fuming. He announced to anyone within earshot, "They have no idea, no idea of what they're asking for!"


If this seems more gripping on your attention, I have a great idea on how to improve the rest of the opening pages.

Again, thanks so much for taking the time to read and critique.

[JustKia]

Originally Posted by Willow M Stevens

Would you mind quoting us the original and the new so we can compare more easily? That being said, I finally found the original at the bank, and I like it better w/the caveat that it be a scene at the bank's office as opposed to a summary of what happened. Where you're starting now (waking up w/the nausea) works because it's a scene, but I'm wanting to know 1) why she's nauseous, and 2) how she feels emotionally about being nauseous (which may be one and the same if it's nausea from nerves for example). The bank scene has more voice and puts us in the thick of the what the potential conflict is, whereas the waking up nauseous puts us squarely in Milly's POV but doesn't tell us much beyond that. Of the two, I'd be more likely to keep reading about the mortgage downsizing, but that's just me.

Hope this helps!

Thank you, unfortunately there was misunderstanding around my original because there wasn't actually a bank scene just Milly reflecting to let the reader know what's lead to this point in time.
So there's the downsizing/outsourcing = you're out of a job which means no money to pay things like mortgage.
Then my humour failed on the next bit. The idea that someone who has just had their job downsized suggest that they downsize their mortgage payments - it's what a lot of people would like to do but doesn't happen in serious reality. Then the reality bit - she has to sell. As it's "her beloved city flat" I hoped that let the reader know that she thought she was happy with her life - she liked being where she was.

But, as I didn't really get across what I'd intended I decided that maybe it wasn't the best place to start, so I moved ahead around 40 hours with the idea that the original opening would be worked in as backstory.

OLD
"Downsizing," they'd said at the meeting. "Outsourcing." (The meeting where Milly is told she no longer has a job)
Milly's bank manager hadn't been quite so enthusiastic when she suggested to him that she downsize her mortgage payments. (See * below)
She hoped that a quick sale of her beloved city flat would enable her to rent somewhere cheap, if not particularly cheerful, until she figured out what she was going to do. (She's not in negative equity (I think I'm putting my MC through enough already), can and does sell albeit not particularly quickly. In the end it's not as hard as she thought it would be because lots has happened and she is much happier where she ends up instead)

*The details of what's happened to her mortgage aren't important - the idea that she would go to her bank manager (no, it wouldn't really be likely to be the actual bank manager) and suggest downsizing payments is the important bit - it's her quirky way of looking at things.
"Oh hey, Mr. Bank Manager! My job's been downsized so I'd like to downsize my mortgage payments for now. That OK with you, Mr. Bank Manager?"

NEW
What was that awful noise? Milly tried to ignore it, but the noise seemed to come from all around her. She fought waves of nausea and willed herself not to throw up as she lifted her head and slowly opened unwilling eyes.

she isn't waking up but regaining consciousness which is (hopefully) clear over the next 3 sentences.

I can work from either point as an opening - as I say there's around 40 hours between the two points. I know both do need work to make them better but knowing which is the better place to begin - which will make my readers want to know more is key for now.

[Putputt]

Originally Posted by Substitious

I have a very small ego so cricism is gladly accepted. I need to tell this story and I want to tell it well. Thanks for being my guinea pigs. I'm taking a completely different tack here:

"Tell me Marcus, why is it that one finds that a university is invariably run by complete idiots?" Dr. Sebastian Freeman, PhD, was fuming. This is so tell-y. His dialogue already shows that he's angry. You don't have to smack us over the head with "So-and-so was fuming". Also, "So-and-so, PhD" is really heavy-handed. I'm aware of the author going, "He's a PhD, btw. Did I tell you that already? A PhD." Lastly, why are the words "complete idiots" bolded? He announced to anyone within earshot, "They have no idea, no idea Dood what is with the bolded words? of what they're asking for!"


If this seems more gripping on your attention, I have a great idea on how to improve the rest of the opening pages.

Again, thanks so much for taking the time to read and critique.

Neither this opening nor the last one does it for me, unfortunately. I suggest hanging around this thread and also the SYW forum to get a better sense of what works and what doesn't. Good luck!

[Buffysquirrel]

Originally Posted by Substitious

Yes. I understand but that last sentence was needed as part of incentive to garner attention.

No, you clearly don't understand. This thread allows only three sentences. As a writer, you will be expected to read, understand and follow guidelines all the time. This is as good a time and place as any to start.

[Kallithrix]

Uh oh... I told you the squirrul would be along to tear you a new one! I bet you thought I was joking...

[BethS]

Originally Posted by Substitious

Hmm. I'm going to have to noodle on that. Would you be willing to read the opening chapter?

When you have 50 posts, you can put up the first chapter in Share Your Work and then any number of members can offer comments on it.

In the meantime, a really good way to increase your number of posts is to comment on other people's work in SYW. And in this thread, too.

[WriteMinded]

I wonder if this thread was meant for posting infinite versions of the first three lines of the same WIP.

Originally Posted by Willow M Stevens

The whole point of this thread is to get the hook in the first 3 lines, to see if you can, well, hook us into reading more.

That's another thread. There, you get 200 words to hook the reader. And you can try, try again.

[Substitious]

Originally Posted by Kallithrix

Uh oh... I told you the squirrul would be along to tear you a new one! I bet you thought I was joking...

LOL! I grew up in a house full of fundamentalist, self-righteous, rule-obsessed wackos. This barely rises the the level of snarky.

I'll be more careful in the future so as to avoid upsetting the apple cart. That wasn't my intention. I realize that some people consider it important to keep everyone else in line. I don't want to divert the conversation over such trivialities.

Thanks for watching my back though!

[kyocrisis]

May as well post here, almost to 50 and then I'll post the first chapter. Already posted in 200 words so curious as to what others will say as well.

WIP!

“So, what was it like being alive?” I remember Signe asking me, before everything had gone to hell.

“I don’t know,” I replied to her, looking up into the starry night sky as it twinkled in the distance. “It was kind of, great, I guess,” my nostrils flared as I deeply inhaled the crisp, cool night air.