TALK TO LADY JAY (naughty bits)

Jaycinth · Oct 17, 2014

cray said:
dear lady jay,

i’m in a bit of a situation here and i could really use some advice. fast.

And I'm replying now. This is instantaneous in geological time.

cray said:
so, it’s just me and the dog home right now. actually, most days it’s just me and the dog.

Try bathing after you run

cray said:
we do our thing. yanno, i sit at my desk and work and she goes outside and does nothing. or she goes outside and stares at a blade of grass or a leaf and then barks at it if it moves. the other thing she does…..oh, btw, her name is lila…..

She's guarding your property against Invisible Death Zombies from Dimension Q. Nothing indeed!

cray said:
anyway, the other thing that lila does is come look at me every 15 to 16 minutes. yanno, just to make sure i’m still in the same exact spot. it’s fun.

To make certain that you are not possessed by an Invisible Death Zombie from Dimension Q. You Dolt.

cray said:
sometimes she looks at me and walks away to look after the leaves and then other times she looks at me and comes over for a good scratching. i scratch all around her ears and then i do the belly for a while. she loves it. i swear she’s smiling the whole time!!

Invisible Death Zombies from Dimension Q spray itch powder on Lila to distract her from her job. Your scratching removes that powder.

cray said:
anyway, when i’m done she goes to walk away and i say things like, ‘who’s a good girl?’ or ‘are you going to get the squirrels? go get ‘em,…go get ‘em!!!”

So while she is doing this death defying job, you distract and confuse her by asking these questions, and then demand she chase those few random squirrels that do not have Invisible Death Zombies from Dimension Q riding on their backs? Unbelievable.

cray said:
and then i like to do this thing where i pretend to grab her tail as she turns to walk away. yanno, so she feels like i’m going to prevent her from going to get the squirrels or the grass or whatever. it’s funny as hell. i grab her tail really lightly, never really gripping it and say, ‘you’re not going anywhwere, are you? hmm, are you??’

And that is why she has to constantly guard you against Invisible Death Zombies from Dimension Q, because her tail is her weapon and it holds those Invisible Death Zombies from Dimension Q in a state of stasis until she can properly dispose of them.

cray said:
it’s super hilarious because i really don’t hold on at all. she just walks away. she thinks i have a lousy grip, i bet.

You have Invisible Death Zombie Poo on your hands. ::snicker::

cray said:
anyway, about 30 minutes ago she came into the office to make sure i was still

not a Death Zombie

cray said:
looking at the computer (which i was) and then came over for a nice scratchy scratch. and guess what? yep,…when she went to walk away i did the funny fake tail grab thing! except something happen this time that has never happened before….

cray said:
umm, yea, so as i went to faux grab her tail i grabbed to close to the base and my little finger brushed against her anus.

broke protocol; compromised agent

cray said:
it’s been really super awkward around here ever since. really awkward.

broke protocol; compromised agent

cray said:
as i mentioned this was 30 min ago and i haven’t seen her since.

Return to headquarters for decon

cray said:
normally she stops by every 15 minutes.

help!!! i have no idea how to fix this.

what’s more, mrs. cray will be home in like 10 minutes and i’d bet my life that she’s going to pick up on the awkwardness between me and lila right away.
fark.

yours,

cray

p.s. full disclosure: i may have misled you when i said my finger ‘brushed’ her anus.
i really mean that it got hung up there on if you know what i’m saying.
it wasn’t a full on ‘finger popping’ but again,…well yanno. anyway, this is weird.

...you want weird????
.......................Wait until the 'Dogs in Black' show up.

You'll never know, though.

They'll look like cats.

Cute, LOL cats....

PorterStarrByrd · Oct 17, 2014

Dear lady jay,
was that disgusting?

love,
Porter

Jaycinth · Oct 20, 2014

PorterStarrByrd said:
Dear lady jay,
was that disgusting?

love,
Porter

Dear Porter.

We both know disgusting.

That was not disgusting.

25 zombies trapped in a 104 degree hot tub for ten weeks with four pounds of blue cheese ...now...that borders on disgusting...

But I bet you can top that in your sleep....

PorterStarrByrd · Oct 20, 2014

I'm feeling lumpy now

Jaycinth · Oct 20, 2014

PorterStarrByrd said:
I'm feeling lumpy now

The same Lumpy that said he'd call the cops?

PorterStarrByrd · Oct 20, 2014

I always wondered who did that. Did I trust the wrong person?

CassandraW · Oct 22, 2014

Dear Lady Jay --

Tomorrow night, I am scheduled to attend a going-away dinner for someone I have never liked. She's unpleasant, vindictive, mean-spirited, a liar, two-faced, unintelligent, shallow, gossipy, and dull, and more than once, has said nasty and untrue things about me behind my back. I'm delighted that she's moving to another country, since that means I may never have to see her again.

I agreed to attend her going-away dinner (which, since the $%##$ chose a pricey restaurant, will likely cost me about as much as a week's groceries), solely because one of my dear friends somehow got stuck making the arrangements, and begged me to come for her sake.

But as the evening draws near, I'm not sure I can stick it out. Is there some way I can contract ebola before tomorrow? If not, do you have any other suggestions?

Gratefully yours,
CassW

Jaycinth · Oct 23, 2014

First: How dear a friend is this person who was stuck making the arrangements? I mean- has this dear friend also been on the receiving end of 'Anal Wart's' 'loving kindness'.

Second: How do you feel about bridge burning?

....I'm guessing this person is a co-worker, boss, or embedded acquaintance and it would have seriously impacted your ability to either negotiate social circles or do your job if you had called this person out before this...

So, if the dear friend who is making the arrangements is of the same mindset as you, then escape is easy...and you can leave the bridges intact... go to the event. If this is one of those 'everybody has to contribute $20.00 for the event in advance', then you and the arranger arrive early and you each gobble down at least $20.00 of appetizers and drinks. Then you look your friend in the eye and ask:
"You finished the Jones Project and sent it by Fed -Ex next day, didn't you?"

And she replies , "No, I needed you to verify this figures. Oh no! You didn't see it!???"

Then you both go : "OH CRAP!" and you run out together waving your arms screaming 'Going to get fired...going to get fired!!!"....and then you go to a bookstore and get some coffee and shop for a good read.

HOW TO BURN THE BRIDGE:
If you both hate the drudge, and you've been contemplating hiring some guy with a white mini cooper with the windows painted over and a "Free Candy" stencil on the side...

.....Go out and buy a card with a big Ax on it. Draw a hole on the ax and glue some flames on it. On the inside write "Good Riddance You Flaming Ax Hole". You both sign the card.
....go the party order an appetizer- split it. Pay the waitron/tip the waitron - you want this person on your side.

...When the guest of honor arrives, and everyone crowds around...ease your way to the back of the establishment.

...Hand the waitron the card and five bucks...tell her/him to give it to Prissy Pants...leave by the back door.

You'll be the heros of the office.

OF course....if you two are the only two that show up for this event.....

...there is this guy with a white ~~van~~mini cooper....

(...jeeze...not Bradley Cooper...Mini Cooper...)

CassandraW · Oct 23, 2014

Anal Wart is an embedded social acquaintance -- a founding member of my running club, a group that includes several of my good friends. Dear Friend isn't crazy about Anal Wart either (I'm not sure anyone is, actually), but she's the kind of person who feels one must be friendly to everyone, especially if they're going away, having a baby, getting married etc. Indeed, this is a philosophy that is generally shared by the group as a whole, an ethos I can appreciate has some merits when you're dealing with, say, the shy or the awkward, but which frankly I don't share in the least when it comes to flaming assholes. I can manage civility, but only just barely.

And it's a goddamn sit-down dinner at a ludicrously expensive and pretentious organic farm-to-table vegan restaurant (Anal Wart is vegan). I mean, it's a pile of lettuce. Why are appetizers $15+, and entrees starting at $20? Only in freaking NYC, amirite? The group taking her out is now down to nine people, all good friends with Dear Friend, and I suspect every one of them is going for exactly the same reason I am.

But I suppose I could have an outside-the-running-club friend text me with a faux work emergency shortly after we sit down. Then I could throw down $20-30 for my appetizer and my share of Anal Wart's lettuce, and get the fuck out of there so I can at least salvage some part of my evening.

Or, alternatively, bribe the waitron to let in the white van guy, after which he can throw a sack over Anal Wart's head, drag her out the back door, and the rest of us can depart to a good barbecue joint.

Thank you, Lady Jay, for your sage advice.

Jaycinth · Oct 23, 2014

CassandraW said:
Anal Wart is an embedded social acquaintance -- a founding member of my running club........I don't share in the least when it comes to flaming assholes. I can manage civility, but only just barely.

........ ludicrously expensive and pretentious organic farm-to-table vegan restaurant (Anal Wart is vegan). I mean, it's a pile of lettuce. Why are appetizers $15+, and entrees starting at $20? Only in freaking NYC, amirite? The group taking her out is now down to nine people, all good friends with Dear Friend, and I suspect every one of them is going for exactly the same reason I am.......

But I suppose I could ........Or, alternatively, bribe the waitron to let in the white van guy, after which he can throw a sack over Anal Wart's head, drag her out the back door, and the rest of us can depart to a good barbecue joint.

Thank you, Lady Jay, for your sage advice.

Um.....is Anal Wart's name (check your rep points) by any chance? Cause that sounds EXACTLY like the Wart we excised from our Social Group in late 2006.

In case it is...then you and the other friends need to grab Dear Friend two hours before the dinner, and get her passed out drunk. Drive her home and make certain she's alright. Then go to the barbecue joint.

Give the guy in the white van the address of this swanky vegan NYC eatery ...(ahem...I can go out into my back yard and eat as much fresh, organic, vegan food as I want, without paying five cents for the privilege. What are you getting for $20.00? gold-plated lettuce? Iggy Azalea as your waitress?)

Tell the van man that your friend is cute and single and tell him to add the word VEGAN between 'Free' and 'Candy".

Love will bloom.

Hopefully you won't be invited to the wedding....

cray · Oct 23, 2014

dimension q.
don't forget dimension q.

CassandraW · Oct 23, 2014

No, it's a different vegan Anal Wart. God, how many of them can there be?

Here's a fun fact. For the last ten years, Anal Wart has done volunteer work for an organization. But Dear Friend invited her colleagues from that organization, and every one of them found some excuse not to come to this farewell dinner. Which kinda tells you something, doesn't it?

Long ago, when I was young and naive, I used to assume that people who did volunteer work must be good, decent human beings. I've learned since that, while some of them certainly are, many seem to do it so that they can feel free to be tremendous assholes, and yet everyone will feel guilty about calling them on it.

I'm not sure I can sincerely say she's cute. A good friend's husband (a snarky type who admits to sharing my feelings about Anal Wart) said she falls into the category of women who are attractive if you put a paper bag over their heads. But if Van Man simply keeps the sack over her head and the gag in her mouth, he'll likely get by.

Haggis · Oct 23, 2014

Is anyone else troubled by Anal Wart's initials?

cray · Oct 23, 2014

you're a deep thinker, haggis.

Haggis · Oct 23, 2014

One must, cray. One must.

cray · Oct 23, 2014

*blank stare*

CassandraW · Oct 23, 2014

Haggis said:
Is anyone else troubled by Anal Wart's initials?

I promise, Anal Wart is not a writer, and I'm sure has never heard of AW. Indeed, based on her emails, she's close to illiterate. It is astonishing to me how people can actually graduate from college in this country, and still be practically illiterate, but it seems to be the case.

I'm happy to call her something else if you have a suggestion, but Lady Jay chose this nickname, and it did fit, so...

Jaycinth · Oct 23, 2014

CassandraW said:
No, it's a different vegan Anal Wart. God, how many of them can there be?

...... A good friend's husband (a snarky type who admits to sharing my feelings about Anal Wart) said she falls into the category of women who are attractive if you put a paper bag over their heads. But if Van Man simply keeps the sack over her head and the gag in her mouth, he'll likely get by.

And this fits the description of the one I had down to the little cleft at the end of her nose....

Hopefully there are only the two of them....

......and with any luck they'll wind up on the same inflatable raft in the middle of the South Atlantic, in May, with two cases of diet soda and a case of beef jerky

Haggis said:
Is anyone else troubled by Anal Wart's initials?

!!??!!

AW...WWWWWWWWW
you shouldn't be. (Makes note to change that name to D.Baggius. in some future....)

CassandraW · Oct 23, 2014

Well, one good thing.

As much as I'm dreading this dinner, I will now think of this discussion, Lady Jay's advice, and all of you throughout the evening. Which means I'll be sputtering expensive lettuce across the table every time I giggle. That should make things much better, at least for me.

Jaycinth · Oct 23, 2014

CassandraW said:
Well, one good thing.

As much as I'm dreading this dinner, I will now think of this discussion, Lady Jay's advice, and all of you throughout the evening. Which means I'll be sputtering expensive lettuce across the table every time I giggle. That should make things much better, at least for me.

Which means....

...You can look up, act embarrassed and say "OMG I thought my AW was under control! I must go home and take my meds while I can still drive!" :snoopy:

Haggis · Oct 23, 2014

*checks reps*

I've had a suggestion that we change the name to craynal wart. Problem solved.

Thank you, mystery repper.

CassandraW · Oct 23, 2014

I just said this in the cabbie, but it's worth saying twice.

That fucking vegan dinner cost me 66 fucking dollars. And I'm still fucking starving.

And I can do better things with quinoa and mushrooms than that ridiculously expensive restaurant did in my fucking sleep. Seriously.

Fuck.

Thank you. That is all.

ETA: Several entrees made reference to "cheese" in quotation marks. One used "chicken" in quotation marks. Remarkably, I could buy a whole chicken and roast it with some nice vegetables for less than half the price of that faux "chicken" entree, and it would feed three or four people, whom, might I add, wouldn't walk away hungry. Also, FYI, Haggis -- they used cilantro in pretty much everything.

ETA: And it cost me $66. And I came home so hungry I broke out salami and cheese and bread and olives and had a midnight feast. Which is why I'm still awake and on AW.

ETA: The $66 did not include dessert, btw.

ETA: Did I mention that the dinner cost me $66? And that I was still hungry at the end?

Jaycinth · Oct 24, 2014

I don't understand how someone who doesn't want to eat something (Vegans) spend so much time, effort and money to make things taste like the things they refuse to eat.

I mean why say:

"Chunks of organic zucchini steamed and covered with a thick, buttery sauce, next to a texturized chicken patty made from 100% organic tofu"

When (IMHO) calling it:

"Chunks of organic zucchini steamed and covered with a savory-herb infused sauce made from extra virgin olive oil - served on a platter next to a patty of marinated, grilled organic tofu with a special savory quinoa and herb topping"

...why would ANYBODY prefer a texturized and shaped product to something ...more natural?

I suppose I should have started this out..."Dear Lady Jay, why are CassandraW's friends torturing her and feeding her lettuce seasoned to look and taste like cheese....????

(I'm not a vegan...but sometimes we go a few days without eating a dead animal - no one notices, no one cares - unless I use too much hot pepper)

CassandraW · Oct 24, 2014

I had the good luck to sit next to a friend's husband who felt exactly the same way I did about the food (and the dinner in general). And the very first thing we did was scan the menu looking for things that weren't attempting to be something else. That eliminated nearly all of the entrees. We spent much of the dinner making snarky comments to one another (by far the most fun part of the evening).

What kills me is that we could have gone to any number of ethnic restaurants, and eaten, say, Indian food, which would include lots of vegan options (and would also include meat options), and it would have been ten times as delicious at half the cost (or less).

This pretentious faux chicken thing -- no. Just no.

Here are a couple of actual menu options for your appreciation --

winner of the most faux sounding entree -- "Salmon" Tofu -- trumpet mushrooms, leek-fennel compote, forbidden rice, sautéed broccolini, dill crème $22 (What. The Fuck. Is "salmon tofu"?)

my favorite appetizer -- "Curried Un-chicken -- grilled soy “chicken”, crisp romaine lettuce, celery, sliced apple, roasted potatoes, grilled onions, toasted macadamia nuts in a curry “mayo”" $15

And yes, the quotation marks were on the menu. The menu was positively infested with quotation marks.

Teeny, tiny servings, too. Oh, and our waitron was so damn perky and so damn enthusiastic about the faux food I wanted to pitch her out the window.

CassandraW · Oct 24, 2014

I made something vegan for dinner just this week -- Chana masala (the Indian chickpea stew) and brown basmati rice, with spiced spinach on the side. It was delicious, filling, nutritious, and incredibly cheap to make.

TALK TO LADY JAY (naughty bits)

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