How can I improve this?

WinterDusk14 · Oct 9, 2012

I went to the other house to dig some relics out there and found my old, old PC, still kicking, and with all of my manuscripts intact. Had to use to a diskette to get them out. Good find, good find.

Anyway, one of the manuscripts, was probably written when I was in the sixth grade. I'm surprised to find it finish at 160k words. And basically it's about a man trying to cope with the murder of his family, even though years has already passed. He empties his bank and drives along the coast and the story ends when he made a full circle, realizing his life is still incomplete, so he heads back to one of the towns he passed by and accepted the love of a woman he met there.

It's like Quantum Leap, only the MC is jumping from one town to the next instead of different time lines. Helping solve the town's problem. The MC's own problem is just moving on, and he can't get revenge because the murderer was already killed in a police shootout prior to the start of the story.

I don't know what my grandma made me smoke at that time to get me write this kind of story. All the rest were monster horrors... and um, one monster erotica... damn hentai.

Anyway, I'm thinking of cutting the town-to-town thing and focus more on the roadtrip and finding a single town where the bulk of the story will take place. Any other suggestions?

Thanks in advance

Kerosene · Oct 9, 2012

I'd keep the town to town interaction. It's fine on it's own. Think of it as stages of his life, reenacted in sequences with boarders stretching miles in between. To center it would be fine too, but I'd think it'd feel congested.

Try to define what he has problems with, and create solutions that he can (realistically) meet while on the road. They don't have to be in order, but best if they are in accordance to his problems.

Maybe the woman can come with him? Act as a traveler and romantic interest, a character to bounce his emotions off of, and still feel for.

My thoughts.

one monster erotica... damn hentai.

Were their... monster hips, moving on their own?

Chris P · Oct 9, 2012

Wow, you wrote that in 6th grade? I think I was toying with 3K-word Hardy Boys fanfic then, and usually including cameos of whoever the pop stars of the time were.

You have two options if you want to salvage the story line: edit like crazy, or start from scratch. Both have benefits, although it's quite likely that your writing style has changed so much (unless you're in 7th grade now) that you might find starting over easier. But only you can determine that.

Also, only you can decide if the travel tale is better than the whole thing taking place in the same city. It was hard to know what the MC's goal was the way you described it: solve a murder, or be a roving angel solving problems, ala Quantum Leap? I wrote a travel novel, and now I'm rewriting it to take place in more or less the same place. The problem with the old version is that the pacing was way too slow, because it was hard to build up any momentum when the characters were only in one place for at most a couple days. It also took on the feel of 30 short stories linked by traveling music and starring the same characters going to the same final destination. This is not to say the many locations cannot work--because it works very well sometimes. But that's just what happened to me when I tried it.

John342 · Oct 9, 2012

This sounds very much like a take off of the TV show "The Fugitive" to me. Same drifting from town to town helping out, making friends, then when police get close, he moves on... everyone knows (except the police) that he is really innocent.

I would be careful about this being such a close match. In the fugitive, where he's on the lamb, its actually more dramatic. For me, the moving on to a new town part needs a good reason... each and every time.

Good luck

Susan Coffin · Oct 9, 2012

You wrote a 160k murder mystery and an erotica in sixth grade because your grandma made you smoke something?

Seriously, what a wonderful find! Good luck with your treasures!

WinterDusk14 · Oct 9, 2012

Every few chapters after moving to the next town reads like an episode from some drama TV series. lol From 160K words, I'm sure I can squeeze this down to 80-90k.

@Will: Yes, I feel the town to town thing is good. It's more about the MC's story, anyway. I'm thinking of situations where the MC gets involved in are things the reminds him of his time with his family.

And to your question. Yes sir, it does, one of the monsters have powers like Ant-Man, and it stars Cthulu.

just imagine the scenes lol

@Chris: I think it was influenced by what my grandma watched. Like Touched By An Angel, Quantum Leap, those kind of shows, and it must have an effect somehow. After skimming it, its near impossible to salvage the material, I can just reuse the idea.

@John: I see I wrote that a little confusing. My MC's family was murdered but he was never accused of anything. Years after the tragedy, he decides to go on a road trip, and stays in town just for a few days.

Thanks for the awesome feedback guys. I'm beginning to outline this and see how it will come out. I'll begin this as soon as I finish my current WIP.

WinterDusk14 · Oct 9, 2012

Susan Littlefield said:
You wrote a 160k murder mystery and an erotica in sixth grade because your grandma made you smoke something?

Seriously, what a wonderful find! Good luck with your treasures!

Thanks! It was really awesome, most of the ideas there were so much better than what I can come up now.

dangerousbill · Oct 9, 2012

WinterDusk14 said:
Anyway, I'm thinking of cutting the town-to-town thing and focus more on the roadtrip and finding a single town where the bulk of the story will take place. Any other suggestions?

It's your story, but if you want my advice, stick with the original storyline. It's got great potential, based on the theme that closure (or revenge, if that's the point) can never really be achieved. But a depressing ending can be saved if his road trip leads to a happy ending.

Trimming the plot to moving to another town and meeting the girl of his dreams makes it just another Lifetime for Women movie.

BethS · Oct 9, 2012

I don't know that I have any specific suggestions, but I am beyond impressed that you wrote something that mature in sixth grade. Good luck with it!

How can I improve this?

WinterDusk14

Non-savvy tech writer

Kerosene

Your Pixie Queen

Chris P

Likes metaphors mixed, not stirred

John342

Susan Coffin

Tell it like it Is

WinterDusk14

Non-savvy tech writer

WinterDusk14

Non-savvy tech writer

dangerousbill

Retired Illuminatus

BethS