A poet's failure to do his job

William Haskins

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I cannot put you into words.

They tumble
like nestlings
too soon testing
their wings

and melt
like snowflakes
swept into a
warming breeze.

You were born
for the brush,
the canvas,
the sculpted stone
that from a
fountain rises
into endless skies

and drives a man to civilize.
 

Neegh

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I like the last stanza.

The firat two seem a tad Cliché however.
 

CassandraW

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I think it's fucking gorgeous.

I'll send cookies to your kids.
 

Kylabelle

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Wonderful, and the last line is stunning.
 

Ken

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all poets fail, ultimately
not a reflection on them, but on their lofty aspirations
no shame in that. on the contrary, admirable
kudos all !
 

Steppe

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Agree. Very, very good. Love your remark about cliche. Poets become to fussy about them. I have no problem with them used at the right time, in the right place.
 
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William Haskins

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Love your remark about cliche. Poets become to fussy about them. I have no problem with them used at the right time, in the right place.

i'm not sure how much poetic precedent there actually exists for falling birds and melting snow as metaphors for the insufficiency of language, but i sure as hell ain't going to argue with an expert.
 

Magdalen

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i'm not sure how much poetic precedent there actually exists for falling birds and melting snow as metaphors for the insufficiency of language, but i sure as hell ain't going to argue with an expert.

Nice work on this! I fail to see the cliché, but I'm no expert. . . perhaps the Knights who say Ni might help here??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIV4poUZAQo


Thanks for posting this.
 
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Sarita

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I just... wow. My only quibble is the title, because there is no failure in these words. Just loveliness.
 

CassandraW

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Stew21

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The best praise I can think of to give this poem is that words like these make a person wish she were the subject of this "failure". You lose your words quite beautifully, William.
 
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Sarita

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The best praise I can think of to give this poem is that words like these make a person wish she were the subject of this "failure". You lose your words quite beautifully, William.

Yep. And perfect use of air-quotes, there, Stew.
 

GailD

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William, I won't pretend to know the first thing about critiquing poetry, I can only tell you how your poem made me feel. So...

I liked it a lot. The idea of words tumbling around like nestlings made me smile. Words, baby birds, full of energy but not quite able to take flight yet. As a writer, the image that created for me was so apt - so many great words, but none of them quite fit. And haven't we all had a sentence or two in our minds - and then had the words just fade away, before we could properly grasp them? Just like your snowflakes in a warm breeze. Lovely metaphor.

And as for the rest of the poem... (Now I'm stuck for words)... just lovely. It gave me a sense of wonder, awe, for the beauty which had inspired you to write it. It also got me thinking about early humans, at what point in our evolution we looked at something and saw beauty in it and felt moved to replicate that beauty in some form.

Okay, way more words than you probably wanted. So, yes. It really worked for me. :)
 

poetinahat

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Perhaps cliché is code for simile.

Everyone has covered the poem proper, and I'd like to agree, especially with GailD's very apt critique.

I'd like to add this (eta: like Kyla said): the final line is thunderous. I'm glad you set it off by itself, because it's a by-God-or-what-have-you coup de grâce.

Also, the parallel inner rhyming of nestlings and testing... wings is sublime. It could have been tempting to fashion the whole piece around that neat play - like drawing three Queens but holding them back. Then you laid it all down with the four-way rhyme at the end.

Gin.
 
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Kylabelle

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I'd also like to chime in again and comment that unlike a previous poster (sorry I've forgotten who) I think the title is perfect. Even though we can receive the poem as a success, the poet knows how it fails to adequately reflect its subject, and feels that failure and tells us, "Look, no, it's even more than this!" with the use of that single word.

That's really masterful writing, there.
 

Ken

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My problem with this poem is that there are too many "similes," defined by Poet upstream. It's a simile overload which is a shame as anyone of them, alone, is really nice and effective. The opening stanza. Wow. That's good poetry. But again. It's just too much of this is like this is like this is like this. Stick to one simile. If you say words are like nestlings, stick with that - throughout. You can do other stuff and wander about, but not by invoking something entirely new and basically erasing what came before. My two cents of course.
 

CassandraW

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My problem with this poem is that there are too many "similes," defined by Poet upstream. It's a simile overload which is a shame as anyone of them, alone, is really nice and effective. The opening stanza. Wow. That's good poetry. But again. It's just too much of this is like this is like this is like this. Stick to one simile. If you say words are like nestlings, stick with that - throughout. You can do other stuff and wander about, but not by invoking something entirely new and basically erasing what came before. My two cents of course.

Ah, good. another expert.

There isn't a reason in the world to confine oneself to a single simile, metaphor, or image.

ETA:

What is it about this simple, lovely piece that's bringing out the clumsy blanket disses? It's not even posted in the critique section. It's here to be shared and enjoyed. A suggested tweak or two would be one thing, but this is just absurd. This poem isn't asking for help, nor does it require any.
 
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William Haskins

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"gentlemen, you can't fight in here! this is the war room!"

thank you all for reading and commenting.

ken, as regards the similes, there are two... which, despite being twice as many as one, is hardly an onslaught.

they were deliberate, as the verb in each (tumble, melt) conjoin to complete an action of the poet's elusive words falling and then melting away.

you are absolutely entitled to your opinion that it's ineffective, but it's hardly an "overload."

again, thanks for the fun thread. i appreciate the kind words and criticisms alike.

you kids behave yourself. poetry is a sharp knife.
 

CassandraW

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Fine. I'll be waiting in the mind-wrestling thread with a cudgel and a bad attitude, if anyone would like to talk.