Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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jkenton

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Ok, here goes. The opening for A Kiss For Damocles

Newton bucked and rocked in my hand as the spring-bolter sang me a few notes. Newton, well, he’s a lot like them boys from the downstream Settlements or the Towns. That spring-bolter’s a bratty, prissy bitch, but if you keep him fed, clean, and wound up just right he’ll keep singing sweet as can be for as long as you need him to.
 
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LanaK

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I'm rather new here, but stumbled across this thread and figured I would give it a try.

On a sweltering July afternoon, Ivy Clarke stood at the front of a small church in her little Pennsylvania town. The lack of air conditioning only added to the torturous twist of nervous tension that whirled like a whirlpool inside of her. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead, creating a needed distraction from the unpleasant river of perspiration flowing between her breasts and down the crack of her ass.
 

Buffysquirrel

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Ok, here goes. The opening for A Kiss For Damocles

Three sentences only, please. Onomatopeia counts as a sentence. And please don't use quotes when posting; they don't appear when we quote, so it's fiddly. You can edit your post by clicking the Edit button. Thanks :).
 

Buffysquirrel

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On a sweltering July afternoon, Ivy Clarke stood at the front of a small church in her little Pennsylvania town. The lack of air conditioning only added to the torturous twist of nervous tension that whirled like a whirlpool inside of her. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead, creating a needed distraction from the unpleasant river of perspiration flowing between her breasts and down the crack of her ass.

Newbies are welcome here :).

I think you're trying to cram too much information into that first sentence. We get the month, the time of day, the character's name, and her location and state. Whoa.

I don't think it'd be 'a' small church. If it's her town where she lives, she'd think of it as 'the' church. Or 'her' church, maybe. I did get a little confused by 'at the front' as at first I thought she was outside, not inside. That may be a British/US thing tho.

How does the lack of air conditioning add to her nerves?

It's a good enough opening. There's specifics, which are always good. I do think that first line needs more focus tho.
 

Buffysquirrel

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- Why ain’t we at school, ma? Jimmy was always asking so many questions, like a scientist.
- It’s a surprise, I said.

Intriguing :). If the second sentence is the mother's thought, I'd put it in a separate paragraph from the boy's comment, to make that clearer. Also, I'm not sure you need two ways of setting off dialogue--dashes and italics. One or the other would probably be enough :).

Yeah, I definitely want to know what happens next.
 

Anna Spargo-Ryan

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Intriguing :). If the second sentence is the mother's thought, I'd put it in a separate paragraph from the boy's comment, to make that clearer. Also, I'm not sure you need two ways of setting off dialogue--dashes and italics. One or the other would probably be enough :).

Yeah, I definitely want to know what happens next.

Thank you! Really useful comments, I agree with both of them. Ta :)
 

Paint it Pink

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Okay, but which part is Big Dog's fault? That the narrator was on a mountain? That they were in Afghanistan? That they died? It's not clear to me. I think you're trying to stuff too much information into that first line.

It's all Big Dog's fault that I died on that mountain yesterday.

Second line has two today's but I think you only need one :).

Quibbles aside, I like this opening. It has the beginnings of voice, and today is yesterday? hells yeah!

Thank you I like that first line so much I shall steal it. You have correctly highlighted a fault I have seen in my writing that I tend to repeat words.

You use 'heat of the day' twice in consecutive sentences. Redundancy is something you need to pick up on in editing. I think you could easily cut a lot out of these lines. If it's a mirage, I suspect the reader is going to guess desert even if that's not the only place they appear.

Be more specific. How is the heat becoming unbearable? Just telling us it is doesn't make us feel it along with the character. How is the stranger's gait not natural? Specifics are your friend.

You are quite right. Strike Dog is the raw text from the splurge of my first draft. So thank you for the feedback.
 

WriteMinded

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Ok, here goes. The opening for A Kiss For Damocles

Newton bucked and rocked in my hand as the spring-bolter sang me a few notes. Newton, well, he’s a lot like them boys from the downstream Settlements or the Towns. That spring-bolter’s a bratty, prissy bitch, but if you keep him fed, clean, and wound up just right he’ll keep singing sweet as can be for as long as you need him to.

Love the voice. Wish I knew what it was saying.
 

ishtar'sgate

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Yes, Beth, I'm aware of the meaning of wordy. I was being deliberately obtuse.

I appreciate your input, and these are the things for which I'll specifically keep an eye out when it comes time to edit. However, this is the first draft of my WIP (which, after all, was the topic of this thread), and right out of the gate, I tend to overwrite things. I've found it easier to get my thoughts down on paper first, then worry about paring down or embellishing at a later time.

I think what must be kept in mind at all times is that readers, whether checking out a book in a bricks-and-mortar bookstore or online, will usually read the first couple of paragraphs before deciding on a purchase. If it is overembelished description that a quick scan of the page tells them carries on a bit longer, they'll likely pass on it and go on to the next book to see what it has to offer. I love description but it has to be taking me somewhere, moving forward. Just something to consider.
 

BethS

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Thanks!

As for what she's saying, well, you'll just have to read the next sentence for that pesky context stuff... ;)

So...the reader has to wade through three incomprehensible sentences to get to a comprehensible one. Which makes me wonder why bother to have those first three sentences.

Start with something comprehensible and go from there, clearly and coherently. A should lead to B which leads to C which leads to D...
 

BethS

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I'm rather new here, but stumbled across this thread and figured I would give it a try.

On a sweltering July afternoon, Ivy Clarke stood at the front of a small church in her little Pennsylvania town. The lack of air conditioning only added to the torturous twist of nervous tension that whirled like a whirlpool inside of her. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead, creating a needed distraction from the unpleasant river of perspiration flowing between her breasts and down the crack of her ass.

This is overwritten. We get that it's hot. You probably only need one sentence to get that across. The important part of all this is the fact that she's nervous. It raises the question "why?", which is what will keep your reader reading.

I apologize in advance for taking liberties--I rarely do this--but if I might suggest a trim, using as many of your own words as possible (I like the tension whirlpool metaphor, btw):

On a sweltering July afternoon, Ivy Clarke stood at the front of a small, unairconditioned church in her Pennsylvania town. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead and another dribbled down the crack of her ass, while tension formed an unpleasant whirlpool in her belly.

You will have your own approach, of course, but the takeaway from this is that you don't need all the tortuous descriptions and stacks of adjectives to get the point across. Second takeaway is that this version shows a progression, from general to specific, from impersonal to intimate. At the very end it points to a story question: why is she so nervous?

One last thing. "At the front of a small church" is vague. Is she standing near the altar? And what kind of church? You could name it.
 

ScribeLady

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FIRST 3 SENTENCES FROM PROLOGUE

This is from the prologue to my novel, BAD DAD.


Mary Lou Fuller disappeared one humid summer morning sometime after Danny left for work. She had brown-bagged his lunch and sent him off with a hasty kiss. That was the last time he saw her.


Thanks for any and all comments.

Scribelady
 

Buffysquirrel

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Newton bucked and rocked in my hand as the spring-bolter sang me a few notes. Newton, well, he’s a lot like them boys from the downstream Settlements or the Towns. That spring-bolter’s a bratty, prissy bitch, but if you keep him fed, clean, and wound up just right he’ll keep singing sweet as can be for as long as you need him to.

It shouldn't take me several read-throughs to realise that Newton and the spring-bolter are (probably) the same. Many readers wouldn't bother re-reading before returning the book to the shelf. Possibly, most. It wouldn't be hard to make this less confusing in that respect.
 

Liralen

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I'm rather new here, but stumbled across this thread and figured I would give it a try.

On a sweltering July afternoon, Ivy Clarke stood at the front of a small church in her little Pennsylvania town. The lack of air conditioning only added to the torturous twist of nervous tension that whirled like a whirlpool inside of her. A bead of sweat rolled down her forehead, creating a needed distraction from the unpleasant river of perspiration flowing between her breasts and down the crack of her ass.

This I do like, especially the way you're establishing the style/voice of your story from the first sentence.

~ "a small church" does seem like it would be more fitting as "the small church"

~ perhaps "in the front" would better explain that she's inside, not standing outside before the reader has to sort it out by the facts following?

~ whirled like a whirlpool Maybe a word other than whirled? Swirled? Roiled? Churned?
 

BethS

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This is from the prologue to my novel, BAD DAD.


Mary Lou Fuller disappeared one humid summer morning sometime after Danny left for work. She had brown-bagged his lunch and sent him off with a hasty kiss. That was the last time he saw her.

Clear, straightforward, intriguing. I love it.
 

Buffysquirrel

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Mary Lou Fuller disappeared one humid summer morning sometime after Danny left for work. She had brown-bagged his lunch and sent him off with a hasty kiss. That was the last time he saw her.

I'm wondering about POV. (Cue chorus from my previous victims in this thread: You're ALWAYS wondering about POV). If this is, say, Danny's POV, I'd expect him to know exactly which humid summer morning it was. Even if he doesn't remember the date, I'd expect him to remember more than that it was 'one' morning. If it's not his POV, well, then, okay. (Whose POV is it?)

Shut up about POV. Okay.

That last sentence strikes me as a cliche. You may need it, it may be the simplest way to express what you want to get across, but it is something of a turn-off for me.
 

BethS

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I'm wondering about POV.

I kind of thought it was omni. But it could prove to be a third character--not Mary and not Danny, but someone musing about the disappearance. Either way, it works for me.
 

Buffysquirrel

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I kind of thought it was omni. But it could prove to be a third character--not Mary and not Danny, but someone musing about the disappearance. Either way, it works for me.

Yeah, it's a good start. But you know me, I'm always wondering about POV....
 

jkenton

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Ok, how's this work?

I squeezed the trigger and the spring-bolter bucked and rocked in my hand, singing me a few notes. As spring-bolter's go, Newton's a lot like them boys from the downstream Settlements or the Towns. He's bratty, prissy bitch, but if you keep him fed, clean, and wound up just right he’ll keep singing sweet as can be for as long as you need him to.
 

Delanee

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Are voices important in this novel? I only ask because for both speakers, the only things you tell us about them are their names and how their voices sound.

I don't feel very grounded here.

What happens in para four?


I do like my dialog. Perhaps a bit too much. Para four the mountain lion attacks Claire and Lira uses her magic to save her friend. Magic that is forbidden btw.

(I'm also looking for the name of a predator that doesn't scream contemporary. It's an alternate world fantasy. I'd like to establish that it doesn't take place in our world fairly quickly.)
 

Buffysquirrel

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It's an alternate world fantasy. I'd like to establish that it doesn't take place in our world fairly quickly.)

At the moment it does read very contemporary, both dialogue and narrative. In fact the only word that seems at all out of place is Master.

I'd actually recommend reading the first Earthsea book, in which Le Guin manages to create a sense of other without resorting to faux medieval dialogue.
 

BethS

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Ok, how's this work?

I squeezed the trigger and the spring-bolter bucked and rocked in my hand, singing me a few notes. As spring-bolter's go, Newton's a lot like them boys from the downstream Settlements or the Towns. He's bratty, prissy bitch, but if you keep him fed, clean, and wound up just right he’ll keep singing sweet as can be for as long as you need him to.

Better! Though you probably don't need both "bucked" and "rocked."
 

jkenton

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Better! Though you probably don't need both "bucked" and "rocked."

Thanks. My narrator's a mouthy, kind of hyperactive and generally excitable thing. Tried it with one or the other early on, and it just didn't fit with her dialogue and dialect later. Which will be something that people will really love or really hate I suspect.
 
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