BS your way through

Sauce Escargot.

You are walking down a dark street at night. Suddenly your doppelgänger appears and claims that s/he is you. What should you do?

Smack her over the head with a shovel, and then run down the street while screaming and flailing your arms. That's what I would do.

Tell me, please, if that is the appropriate answer.

Yes, it's appropriate.

You invited your no-good brother-in-law to your Christmas party, and he arrives with a dozen members of his drinking-and-darts club. What should you do?

Ask your mother in law to stand right. ooover. therr


When should start laying ?

Now would be good, I have a quiche recipe I'd like to try out.

What's the science behind double-yolk eggs?

Very busy hens are mostly responsible, though some roosters try to grab the credit.


How deep is it going to get?

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Should euphemisms be banned?

Never. Euphemisms have kept me out of trouble ony many occasions.

Who invented the fork?

Sales clerk in a satanist's gift shop re-purposed a miniature trident when she left her cous-cous spoon in the car.

Why is it rude to ask a lady her age?

It's not so much rude to ask the lady, but potentially self-wounding when she answers with her own question, "Size...in inches?"

Should she ask at ease, or at attention?

Both. A lady never shows distress, even under dire circumstances.
Why haven't men been schooled in the wise advise about never asking a lady her age ?

Like most species the males are too busy doing more important things than studying etiquette books and stuff


Why are there etiquette books ... or napkins

Etiquette books are necessary to teach people how to fold napkins, and if there were no napkins, there would be no need for etiquette books, so it all works out. See?

Where can I find buried treasure?

There is no more buried treasure. The last buried treasure was discovered on 27th May 1987 in a small French village near Toulouse. The continued existence of buried treasure is a myth perpetuated by metal detector and spade manufacturers to increase sales of their products.

Where can I find the best chocolate in the world?

I was sure that it was at a Godiva store in your local mall, but found out that an old lady in Dayton, Ohio makes really good chocolate. Tough choice! You will have to go to a spiritual advisor to find your true answer, and also determine whether milk or dark chocolate is most appropriate for you. I can only lead the way, but when it comes to chocolate, Grasshopper, you must follow your own path.

Why do folks like grits? I am at a loss.

Folks dont like grits but a lot of them eat them which is why the south lost the civil was when they figured out they were fighting to eat grits and kind of lost their taste for war along with never needing their taste to eat grits but since they lost everything else they kept on eating grits since there were great big supplies of them in the stacks of war surplus and by the time they finished eating those down they forgot why they were eating them and kept on eating them until they found out that grits taste exactly like whatever you put on them instead of like grits which taste like nothing so if you ask anyone if they like them they say things like they taste great with melted butter because they dont just want to order a plate of melted butter for breakfast and would still need something to fill the empty spot in their tummies if all they ate was the good tasting part which is the butter probably because

Who first figured out maple syrup was good on pancakes, which already tasted good?

People in Vermont and New Hampshire discoved that gem. Then they took it a step further and made maple sugar candy, which you can't get down here in the South, sadly.

I have a trip to L.L. Bean on my bucket list. Is that reasonable? dot dot dot...

L.L. Bean is a store in Maine that has a great catalogue and sells stuff for hardy climates. Should going to the store be on my bucket list?

Nope, save space on your bucket list for something else! I own a few shirts that I bought from the L.L. Bean mail-order catalog. They look really cool but they're definitely not bucket list material.

Are Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus actually married, or have they just been "shacking up" for all these years?

They are actually married. An elf ship captain did the honors when they took a vacation to Gilligan's Island.

Did the Pofessor and MaryAnne actually date?

I'm afraid to tell you the question is moot, seeing as how Mrs. Claus has been definitively proven to be a figment of Santa Claus's imagination. I have it on good authority from the Lost Toys, who were banned from the North Pole for trying to expose this most nefarious conspiracy theory. Unfortunately, whatever proof they had was eaten by the Abominable Snowman, so Yule have to take my word for it.

If I'm thinking about TPing some gingerbread houses, what's the secret for maximum gumdrop madness?


ETA: IGNORE. bronco beat me to it.

Oh dear. I'm afraid I'm not acquainted with the Professor and MaryAnne, though the rumor mill has it they were "friends with benefits." Not that I listen to such gossip. Or spread it around. To insinuate such would be a lie. Of Epic proportions. And would have nothing to do with this answer. But I digress.

Ok, NOW If I'm thinking about TPing some gingerbread houses, what's the secret for maximum gumdrop madness?

It has to do with the proportion of gumdrop to TP. Few are equipped tp handle this conumdrum, because it involves calculus and a knowledge of gumdrop ingredients. Hardly anyone has both skill sets.

Why is fruitcake so bad?

Well, I was hoping someone else would clue you in, but seeing as how he's being so bashful, Porter is responsible for all of the fruitcakes in the world. He's been hoarding, er, I mean, aging them in his basement and releasing them slowly into the system. Each time one new door slams shut, Porter hears it and releases another fruitcake into the world as a doorstop.

Kind of like how clapping brings fairies back to life. Only...not.

Why can I never have just one miniature candy cane from my tree? Why can't I stop myself? Why???

tiddlywinks said:

Well, I was hoping someone else would clue you in, but seeing as how he's being so bashful, Porter is responsible for all of the fruitcakes in the world. He's been hoarding, er, I mean, aging them in his basement and releasing them slowly into the system. Each time one new door slams shut, Porter hears it and releases another fruitcake into the world as a doorstop.

Kind of like how clapping brings fairies back to life. Only...not.

Why can I never have just one miniature candy cane from my tree? Why can't I stop myself? Why???

Click to expand...

I NEVER knew it was Porter all along. Well, se la vie!


You can't resist the mini-chocolates because they are mini, and folks ought to send you full-size (their bad).


Does Santa prefer milk and cookies, or Coors Light and cookies? I always leave him the latter.