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gambit924

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Hello again. I am sorry, but I decided to resurrect this from the graveyard, haha. Anyway I have decided to write one of these ideas, the one about the two samurai, the monsters and the magic sword, but I thought I would run a logline by you all first:

"Sword of the Gods"
Two samurai must find an enchanted sword to destroy the demon that killed their lord.

I think this is a simple and straight forward way of saying this and of letting whoever is reading find the gist of the story more readily. Anyway, that is one thing. Right now I am drafting by hand writing it. The first major action scene is through, but the thing is, I have run out of action to put in between the first action sequence and the next one where they meet the ninja that will take them to the sword. Also, though I want this to be an action film, it is leaning terribly close to being a drama, and I don't want it to be drama, I want it to be action, lol. If it turns out as an action flick, then I would get into what the Eastern audience expects of an action drama film, but I may lose the Western audience. Any suggestions on how to deal with my conundrums? Maybe I should just let it go toward drama and let things happen. Then again, I don't want it to be some draggy film where most of the action happens at the very end of the film like in the original 47 Ronin film. If anything I want the film to be both action and comedy, but I have no talent with writing humor. Everything goes drama with me. How do I solve this?




Hello fellow screenwriters!! Nice to see you all again, as I have been here many times and enjoy asking you all questions. Anyway I posted this in the brainstorming area, and apparently no one wants to weigh in, so I thought I might ask you lovely people. I already know I am going to write at least one of these, but I just thought I'd ask.

Hi, so I have had these jogging around the old mind as well, and again, thought I would ask for expert opinions.
Idea # 1
Set early in the Tokugawa Shogunate, a Japanese demon named Hinoenma searches for the sword of Ameturasu and finds it in the possession of one Honda Tadatoki. However she cannot get to it through him. She joins up with another demon known as Shuten-Doji (the little drunkard) and attack the mansion. Tadatoki is killed and his wife is kidnapped by the demons. Many of Tadatoki's men want to commit Junshi (suicide where one follows his lord in death), but Hajime does not want to, nor does he want his friend Kei to commit suicide. He talks Kei into going and finding the sword with him. They travel to Tokyo where they encounter the ninja girl Hato. Hato has been sent to them from the wife of the Emperor who wishes to see them. She gives them the sword, but not before she has a good talking to with Hajime about his true intentions in not letting Kei kill himself. They leave her and go to a city near Kyoto where Shuten-Doji is said to be hiding. Along the way they encounter various Yokai (demons, monsters, gods, spirits, ghosts). Will they be able to save their lord's wife and destroy Shuten-Doji before it is too late?

Idea # 2
Set after the Satsuma Rebellion, Tsuzuku is a wandering ex-ronin who faught for the Meiji government. He wanders into a village and encounters a group of yakuza attacking a boy and a woman. He saves them, and escorts them home and offers his services as a yojimbo (bodyguard). Little does he know that they already have one, Rai, a bitter ex-Shinsengumi member who drinks a little too much. When the girl is kidnapped, they must muster their strength to find a Tokugawa relic and save the girl's life while fighting corrupt Yakuza leaders and greedy Westerners.

Idea one is supposed to be the fantastical one while idea two is supposed to be a comedy, and maybe a musical as well (we'll see). I guess the question would be, would you watch these films if they were made? I certainly think they are amusing ideas, and these simple synopses are a good start, but again, I will ask you as the experts...LOL. Thank you in advance!!
 
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dpaterso

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I saw this in Brainstorming Sandbox today and was trying to figure out what to say... I think the problem for me is that there's very little resonance/familiarity with these stories. Are they "Based on a legendary tale..." or similar? Or just made up and set in Japan on a whim? This could make a big difference to a reader's perception.

It could be a POV thing with the first. Instead of kicking off with the demon and the sword and Lord Tadatoki, maybe it should have kicked off with, "In feudal Japan, when their lord is killed by a demon, two surviving samurai warriors vow to track down the demon and recover their master's mystical sword..." -- since it seems to be their story. Just a thought. Some further explanation as to why the demons seek the sword might not go amiss either, it seems to be the McGuffin everyone wants, but why?

For the second, the characters and stakes don't seem big enough to me, both need pumped up with more dramatic description. And I gotta mention that soundbytes like the Satsuma Rebellion and a Tokugawa relic don't really help to identify the generic setting to someone unfamiliar with Japanese history.

In a nutshell, I wanted to get aboard the movie train, but I couldn't fight off the thought that maybe I'd rather read the comics instead.

Meh, what do I know, no expert opinion here, hopefully someone else will add something of value.

-Derek
 

gambit924

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Thank you so much for this. I was hoping somebody would weigh in. Tadatoki Honda, his wife, Senhime, and the wife of the Emperor were real people at the beginning of the Tokugawa Shogunate. Hinoenma and Shuten-Doji are real demons from Japanese folk-lore. The only fictional characters are the samurai themselves. Now possessing the sword of Amaterasu, who is the sun goddess, would allow someone to control her, the sun, and therefore the world. That is what makes the sword important.

In the second idea, Tsuzuku and Kei are looking for the sword of the last Tokugawa Shogun's sword (yeah another sword story lol) which has on it the location of the Tokugawa treasure of gold. The two bad guys, the yakuza boss who may be something more, and the greedy Westerner and trying to find it in an attempt to reinstate shogun rule. The Satsuma Rebellion and the Boshin war were basically what made up the Meiji Revolution. Being set after that in the Meiji era, the samurai are now becoming obsolete, and therefore samurai in the new era are scarce. Kei and Tsuzuku are then the last of a dying breed, and their story will reflect that. In a way, they are both bitter about this fact, even though one of them fought on the Imperial side. Tsuzuku is going to be a Sanjuro like character, which if you have ever watched Kurosawa classics you would know he was a grouchy, unkempt samurai who basically only took jobs that really amused him as opposed to jobs that really meant anything. Kei is the really bitter one who had to sit out the war in jail while his father was killed by the Imperial side by cowardly guns. Despite their differences they must fight together to save their country from the greedy Westerners. This will have a few real historical figures as well, but Tsuzuku and Kei are fictional characters.

Now when I actually get to working on this, should I go ahead and put it in SYW so that you all can get an idea of what's going on? I personally love the idea because I am very interested in Japanese history and folk-lore. Anyway I will try and get to that while I am free this Summer and try to get a bit of both up there. Hopefully that will make things clear...er.. Anyway, thank you so much!!
 

creativexec

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Idea #1)

I stopped reading after "Set early in the Tokugawa Shogunate...."

Idea #2)

I stopped reading after "Set after the Satsuma Rebellion...."
 

Wilde_at_heart

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The problem with both is that you have a lot of names and proper nouns, and what's lacking is any connection. What's so important about this sword that the demon has to get it?
Unless the reader is familiar with Japanese mythology, not many are going to have any clue what a 'sword of Ameturasu' is. Even when I looked it up, it's not obvious to me why a demon would want it, or what powers it's supposed to possess, etc.
 

Day Agent

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Are these intended for animation or live-action, and for US or Japanese studios?
 

gambit924

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I would love to make them with Japanese studio, as for the stories, they may be more for a Japanese audience now that I think of it. Amaterasu is a favorite goddess in their mythology and the Meiji Restoration is basically their history. I want to make them as live action, and in the spirit of the old Akira Kurosawa masterpieces like Seven Samurai and Yojimbo. In a way it makes more sense to pitch them to a Japanese studio, as the concepts would make more sense I think. Then again, I would love to bring this mythology and history to an American audience as I think people really don't know an awful lot of Japanese history and mythology. And I don't mean most of the crap you find in anime these days. I want to put real mythology with real history and make it awesome for everyone. Then again, that may be asking too much. I don't know really. All I know is that I enjoy the stories.
 

Day Agent

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I'd pick (international) general public or genre audience, and live-action or animation before starting. Beyond that, it's all in the execution and I can see either story sucking or being wonderful.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss your project in more detail.
 

nmstevens

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Idea #1)

I stopped reading after "Set early in the Tokugawa Shogunate...."

Idea #2)

I stopped reading after "Set after the Satsuma Rebellion...."


Truth can be a hard-edged sword, creative-exec.

NMS
 

gambit924

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Lol so I guess I really need to work on writing descriptions and loglines. And other stuff as well, like who this is for and what I want out of it, but still, I like the ideas. When I get a bit written I will put in SYW.