[Critique Game] Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story

Granada

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Here are three sentenced from a current draft of a short story "Clorinated Girl"

Her son strokes in water overhead. He kicks big splashes across the surface. Long, limber muscles pull him from one end to the other as she sinks in her mother’s pool.

Thanks! It is fun to see the short story forum active.
 

Nichelle

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Her son strokes in water overhead. He kicks big splashes across the surface. Long, limber muscles pull him from one end to the other as she sinks in her mother’s pool.

I am confused about the change from he to she. How many people are we talking about? Who is drowning - the son or a girl?
 

Granada

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good points, thanks. Nobody is drowning, so I'll take a look at that :)
 

JJDimac

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This is from a short story "Over the Threshold", that I entered in a competition earlier this year:

The daily routine had remained unchanged for years. The sun had barely warmed the yard, the dew was starting to glisten. A pair of heavy boots shuffled along the aged wooden deck stopping for the unnecessary repositioning of the rocking chair.

It was by far the most boring thing that I ever wrote, but I loved the story because it made my family members cry when they read it. I didn't place in the competition, but I had to find out what I could do either way.
 

Abderian

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The thing that immediately strikes me is that the first and second sentences don't seem related in any way. After reading the first sentence I expected the second to elaborate on the daily routine. Also, after three sentences the reader still doesn't know who the story is about or what the central tension might be.
 

JJDimac

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This is why I wish that I had feedback before I submitted the story. I have a hard time seeing what I write in a perspective other than my own.
 

Abderian

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This is why I wish that I had feedback before I submitted the story. I have a hard time seeing what I write in a perspective other than my own.

It's hard, I agree. I'm lucky to belong to a writing group. We give and receive honest critiques on our work, which can feel painful at times but it really helps to improve when someone gives objective feedback on your writing.
 

JJDimac

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It's hard, I agree. I'm lucky to belong to a writing group. We give and receive honest critiques on our work, which can feel painful at times but it really helps to improve when someone gives objective feedback on your writing.

As long as the critique is explained, I appreciate it. I am not a very articulate writer- I just don't speak the language. I feel like my every other facet of my writing needs to be top notch, and in order for that to happen, I need my work to be aggressively criticized. I could have benefited from a writing group when I started years ago.
 

Michele AKA Twig

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Hi all, I've lurked on here for a few months without posting so I thought I'd give this a try:

Old man Rolf walked over to the fireplace kept in the Great Hall. His bones were weary and he was cold. It had been many long years since he'd won his lordship with sword and shield and now he just wanted to rest.
 

JamesGaberel

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Mowing lawns for old people isn’t the most glamorous of career options. Don’t get me wrong, Jessie loves that I bring home a steady paycheck without having to resort to stealing cars or selling drugs. If old people are good for one thing, it’s paying the bills on time.
 

JamesGaberel

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Hi all, I've lurked on here for a few months without posting so I thought I'd give this a try:

Old man Rolf walked over to the fireplace kept in the Great Hall. His bones were weary and he was cold. It had been many long years since he'd won his lordship with sword and shield and now he just wanted to rest.

I like it. I might take out the old man in the beginning though. I get that he's old from the description. Maybe use a verb besides "walked" to age Rolf. Something like "shambled" or "shuffled."

Rolf shambled across the Great Hall to the fireplace. Maybe?

Something like that anyway.
 

Michele AKA Twig

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I thought about using shuffled instead of walked, but I use shuffled later on the page and didn't want to over use it.

I was using Old man more like a title than anything, so I could easily skip it.

Thanx, gives me something to think about.
 

A_Read

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Mowing lawns for old people isn’t the most glamorous of career options. Don’t get me wrong, Jessie loves that I bring home a steady paycheck without having to resort to stealing cars or selling drugs. If old people are good for one thing, it’s paying the bills on time.



I feel like this shows a lot about the main character, from his (presume it's a guy?) voice to his past, to his economic situation. I'd keep reading. I'm set up for the other ways of making money (drugs, stealing cars) to be important to the story at some point.
 

A_Read

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here are mine from my current WIP:

I'd never seen Peter's hands shake before—not even when he arrived, hunted and desperate, at my back door that night in 1936. But that day his fingers trembled until he wrapped them around the doorknob and eased the door shut.

“I'm sorry, Irene,” he said, shuffling his feet.
 

guttersquid

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Old man Rolf walked over to the fireplace kept in the Great Hall. His bones were weary and he was cold. It had been many long years since he'd won his lordship with sword and shield and now he just wanted to rest.

I thought it odd to say that the fireplace was "kept in the Great Hall." Was it a portable fireplace, one that was kept there until it was needed elsewhere?

I don't think the second sentence is needed. You can tweak the third sentence to cover the same info. Something like:

It had been many long years since he'd won his lordship with sword and shield, and now he longed for nothing more than a soft chair before a warm fire.

Whichever verb you use to replace "walked," make sure it's one that accurately describes what you envision. In other words, if Rolf's not a shuffler, don't make him shuffle.
 

Michele AKA Twig

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Guttersquid,
I really like your rewrite but I don't think it has quite the same feeling. I'm trying to portray Rolf as physically miserable and potentially cranky.
And, no, the fireplace isn't movable, only that there is more than one he could choose from. Maybe I could write it as "Rolf went to the fireplace in the Great Hall."
 

Locke

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I think I'd rather mention the Great Hall first, if for no other reason to establish setting. Otherwise it just feels to me as mundane as directions to the nearest Starbucks.

"Rolf walked briskly along the Great Hall, to stop by the fireplace. He knelt down beside the fire, thawing away the cold of travel. In his younger days, he could have warmed himself from the fervor of earning his lordship, but now all he really wanted was rest."
 

Hannah M

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Hi, here are my first 3 from the story I'm working on:


My pace quickens. It’s late.

I had thought I would only be five minutes but the line at the corner shop had been longer than normal.
 

WriterBN

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I like it. Just a couple of grammar/tense suggestions for the last sentence, since you're writing in first present:

I had thought I would only be five minutes, but the line at the corner shop had been was longer than normal.
 

Mamitt

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here are mine from my current WIP:

I'd never seen Peter's hands shake before—not even when he arrived, hunted and desperate, at my back door, hunted and desperate, thatone night in 1936. But that daythis day/today? his fingers trembled until he wrapped them around the doorknob and eased the door shut.

“I'm sorry, Irene,” he said, shuffling his feet.

Just a few suggestions.
 

Aholm83

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Gray light from an overcast day seeped in through the window, causing the man in the bed to stir. Two feet slid out from underneath the furs that served as a crude blanket and gingerly touched the wooden floor of the inn as the man sat up. A thin smile crossed his face as he remembered that today he was known as Rasmus.
 
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Locke

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Gray light from an overcast day seeped in through the window, causing the man in the bed to stir.
You can make this more active while dropping details in more natural places. I think the description of the light is enough to give the idea that the weather outside isn't all that pleasant, too. "Gray, drab light from the window stirred the man out of bed."

Afterthought: "Gray drab light from the window stirred the man from his crude blanket" brings a detail out of the following sentence...

Two feet slid out from underneath the furs that served as a crude blanket and gingerly touched the wooden floor of the inn as the man sat up.
I've bolded all of the nouns and highlighted the adverb and adjectives, because this sentence is swimming in details. Details are good, but I almost feel like you're clubbing me over the head with them without a single period to rest on between. Pare things down, shift some of the details to appear later when we are better prepared to absorb them, and don't be afraid to leave room for the reader to paint their own picture.

A thin smile crossed his face as he remembered that today he was known as Rasmus.
Perfect. Leave it alone. If you can get that nice little mystery nugget further up front, possibly in the first sentence, it's going to propel the reader through the rest of the opening, and really is the star of what you've posted here thus far.
 
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Aholm83

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You can make this more active while dropping details in more natural places. I think the description of the light is enough to give the idea that the weather outside isn't all that pleasant, too. "Gray, drab light from the window stirred the man out of bed."

Afterthought: "Gray drab light from the window stirred the man from his crude blanket" brings a detail out of the following sentence...


I've bolded all of the nouns and highlighted the adverb and adjectives, because this sentence is swimming in details. Details are good, but I almost feel like you're clubbing me over the head with them without a single period to rest on between. Pare things down, shift some of the details to appear later when we are better prepared to absorb them, and don't be afraid to leave room for the reader to paint their own picture.


Perfect. Leave it alone. If you can get that nice little mystery nugget further up front, possibly in the first sentence, it's going to propel the reader through the rest of the opening, and really is the star of what you've posted here thus far.

"Today, he is known as Rasmus. The gray, drab light that had woken him was now casting his shadow as he moved through combat stances. Some things could not be ignored, no matter one's name."

I tend to be very descriptive when I write, not because I'm trying to be overly flowery with the language, but because it is simply how I write. It can be a strength and a curse. I'm trying to teach myself to write shorter, snappier sentences.
 

Locke

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It's not really the number of details that was bothersome, it was how densely packed they were. I didn't see it as overtly purple at all, though.

I wish I had The Writer's Little Helper in front of me right now because it has a whole bunch of little exercises that help make description punchier. Basically, it hinges on making it stand out without making it too complicated (e.g. a stormy day becomes an angry sky jealously guarding the sun from view). Personally, one technique I frequently enjoy is personifying those details, which lends both unique description and active voice, but doing it too often can become cumbersome.