Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

BethS said:

What satisfies a teacher and what satisfies a potential publisher are often two very different things.

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Obviously, I know that . It was written by a 13 year old after all, I doubt it would be at all publishable! ^^

I'm curious about what she was trying to hit with a dishcloth, but this has POV problems (and a rogue semi-colon. Should be a comma). The phrase "unable to hide the disappointment in her voice" sounds like Teegan's POV, but "She glowered at the dishcloth as though it was at fault" is definitely an observation from outside her POV.

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That semi-colon's not actually in my document but a typo :s my bad, I should have copied and pasted but my baby has run off with the mouse. I see what you mean. It's not her PoV but her bestfriends. To him her voice sounds disappointed but he knows she tries to hide her emotions. I'll work on that .

I think you're trying to a little too hard for drama here. And it has one more strike against it -- it's a waking-up opening, which are pretty much toxic to agents and editors, simply because they see so many of them in the slush pile.

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I know people say you shouldn't start with waking up however you should start where the story starts and not with mundane, nothing happening scences. I cut all the story that was before this scene as this is where the story starts.
I'm still trying to think of an alternative, since it's in first draft there's plenty of room for improvement.
Thank you for your comments . It's good to have an opinion on them.

Forlorn-ember said:

It's not her PoV but her bestfriends. To him her voice sounds disappointed but he knows she tries to hide her emotions. I'll work on that .

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Ah. I considered that possibility, but I defaulted to the assumption that the first character mentioned is the POV character.

Which prompts another suggestion: open the story with the POV character.

I know people say you shouldn't start with waking up however you should start where the story starts and not with mundane, nothing happening scences. I cut all the story that was before this scene as this is where the story starts.

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Maybe you can start with the character already awake and about to confront whatever the danger is?

Aurelie limped along the unfamiliar road that made its way through the centre of Neriss Pass, her filthy and battered clothes revealed blood-stained cuts and bruises. The villagers stood motionless and watched her approach the house at the end of the road, warning her with their eyes. She could not let their fear distract her, she needed answers and the only person who could give them to her lived in that house.

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Changed it around a fair bit, does this sound better?

This is an awesome idea.

Two of mine:

I sat there in the corner booth with the rest of them. The stench of piss was everywhere, but they seemed oblivious to it. I didn’t bring it up.


The top of the creature's head exploded, bursting into blood and bits of brain. What was left of its face hung in shreds over its neck. The gun shot was still reverberating, and as the smoke cleared, the creature collapsed...

Aurelee said:

Changed it around a fair bit, does this sound better?

Aurelie limped along the unfamiliar road that made its way through the centre of Neriss Pass, her filthy and battered clothes revealed blood-stained cuts and bruises. The villagers stood motionless and watched her approach the house at the end of the road, warning her with their eyes. She could not let their fear distract her, she needed answers and the only person who could give them to her lived in that house.

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Much better! And now I'm curious about what happened to her and who has answers for her.

The only quibble I have is that the phrase about her clothes sounds like it's being described by someone else. Might be good to be in her head more. If she has cuts and bruises, she must be in pain. And maybe she's cold.

The comma after "her" is what's known as a comma splice. I.e., you've used a comma to splice together two complete sentences. What's called for there is a semi-colon.

Thanks, glad that this one is better. I like it a lot more too.
Going to have a look at the other stuff you mentioned, thanks for the help!

Okay, so what happens on the first page is that the main character wakes up to the sound of his metal shed being opened by the main character's mother. He goes outside and there takes place a conversation between the main character, his mother, and his daughter. Something happens which, initially, sets up the rest of the story.

Since beginning the story with him waking up isn't such a good idea, could/should I just start the story where he goes outside and reference the sound had woken him up?

HarvesterOfSorrow said:

Since beginning the story with him waking up isn't such a good idea, could/should I just start the story where he goes outside and reference the sound had woken him up?

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Yes. The waking up part isn't important. What's important is the conversation.

Gotcha. Thanks .

This is from the third book in a zombie apocalypse series. I'm on Chapter 5 right now.



The crackle of a single gun shot stopped Shawn in his tracks. Turning towards Angela, who was walking sentry with him along the front perimeter fence, he whispered with some alarm, “That came from outside the compound. I’m positive of it.”
It was a little after midnight on a chilly March night, and the Kansas sky was a mixture of clouds and stars with a thin sliver of moon casting a faint but ominous glow.

From my current WIP, YA-sci fi

I am Sentient,
I am disparate from the norm. I am insane. The by product of an over aggressive central nervous system left to wreak havoc on an impressionable brain.

Okay, so what happens on the first page is that the main character wakes up to the sound of his metal shed being opened by the main character's mother. He goes outside and there takes place a conversation between the main character, his mother, and his daughter. Something happens which, initially, sets up the rest of the story.

Since beginning the story with him waking up isn't such a good idea, could/should I just start the story where he goes outside and reference the sound had woken him up?

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A piece of writing advice I just picked out of a book - and sounds very good to me - is to start your story at the very moment where the Main Character's status quo goes for shyte and everything starts changing.

It could look like a whisper of an ill wind, or a bullet to the brain, but it's the point where normal doesn't count anymore. Find that spot (says the book) and cut everything before it.

Dano50 said:

This is from the third book in a zombie apocalypse series. I'm on Chapter 5 right now.

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Hi Dano
I love a good zombie romp.

The crackle of a single gun shot stopped Shawn in his tracks.

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Some people here are going to like the word ‘crackle’ some just won’t. As for me I’m torn. Love the word but I’m not sure it fits with a gunshot on an otherwise quiet night

Turning towards Angela, who was walking sentry with him along the front perimeter fence, he whispered with some alarm, “That came from outside the compound. I’m positive of it.”

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It feels like you are trying to shove a lot of information into this one sentence and in doing so you hurt the flow and rhythm of what you are trying to say

You might consider putting part of the information in this sentence into the first.

Example:

As they walked sentry along the front perimeter the crackle of a single gunshot stopped them in their tracks. “Angela, that came from outside the compound. I’m positive,” Shawn whispered.

It was a little after midnight on a chilly March night, and the Kansas sky was a mixture of clouds and stars with a thin sliver of moon casting a faint but ominous glow.

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This sentence kills the tension you built up in the first two sentences. Yes the information about where and when Shawn and Angela are is important but you don’t need to feed it to your reader immediately. Keep the action going with what happens next.

Even though I usually go back and re-write the first two chapters once I get to the end of the first draft, I'm still going to give this a shot. It's from my current WIP:

Jaxton Ward’s brother was trapped inside a mountain. Not because he was a miner, or even an archaeologist explorer. No, Jaxton’s brother was being punished for the most innocent crime of all: being a first-born child.

Dano50 said:

This is from the third book in a zombie apocalypse series. I'm on Chapter 5 right now.



The crackle of a single gun shot stopped Shawn in his tracks. Turning towards Angela, who was walking sentry with him along the front perimeter fence, he whispered with some alarm, “That came from outside the compound. I’m positive of it.”
It was a little after midnight on a chilly March night, and the Kansas sky was a mixture of clouds and stars with a thin sliver of moon casting a faint but ominous glow.

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There's too much information in the last sentence. I can feel you trying to cram all this info in to this one tiny sentence.
And, in MY opinion, there is no such word as "towards". Toward (NO S) is the right way to say it.

Laura HK said:

Even though I usually go back and re-write the first two chapters once I get to the end of the first draft, I'm still going to give this a shot. It's from my current WIP:

Jaxton Ward’s brother was trapped inside a mountain. Not because he was a miner, or even an archaeologist explorer. No, Jaxton’s brother was being punished for the most innocent crime of all: being a first-born child.

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That's intriguing.

Some might complain that it's all telling and has no POV (yet), but many a fine novel has opened in the same way.

I find it interesting that Jaxton's brother isn't given a name, which may go along with the fact that he's been imprisoned in a mountain. And speaking of that...did you really mean "trapped"? Or "imprisoned"? Because they're not the same thing, and it sounds like his exile in the mountain is a sentence, not an accident.

Laura HK said:

Even though I usually go back and re-write the first two chapters once I get to the end of the first draft, I'm still going to give this a shot. It's from my current WIP:

Jaxton Ward’s brother was trapped inside a mountain. Not because he was a miner, or even an archaeologist explorer. No, Jaxton’s brother was being punished for the most innocent crime of all: being a first-born child.

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I agree with the above poster that it is a bit passive. That being said however, I am very intrigued as to the society that imprisons its first born children. If this is from Jaxton's pov, it does make me wonder why he would contrast this imprisonment with that of a miner etc.

I'm hooked anyway.

BethS said:

That's intriguing.

Some might complain that it's all telling and has no POV (yet), but many a fine novel has opened in the same way.

I find it interesting that Jaxton's brother isn't given a name, which may go along with the fact that he's been imprisoned in a mountain. And speaking of that...did you really mean "trapped"? Or "imprisoned"? Because they're not the same thing, and it sounds like his exile in the mountain is a sentence, not an accident.

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Well, Jaxton's brother is there sort of by accident...(he evaded capture until he was 26, a result of accidently trusting someone too much). Hm, but using "imprisoned" might evoke a stronger reaction.

And while Jaxton's POV starts with the fourth sentence (2nd paragraph), I wanted a quick way to hook the reader into my created world. I guess it works to some degree.

Corey LeMoine said:

I agree with the above poster that it is a bit passive. That being said however, I am very intrigued as to the society that imprisons its first born children. If this is from Jaxton's pov, it does make me wonder why he would contrast this imprisonment with that of a miner etc.

I'm hooked anyway.

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Thanks! I was just trying to build suspense as to why his brother would be inside a mountain. I may need to lose it.


Thanks to both! I might just have to re-write the first three sentences and see what you think...

Here are the first three from a previous work that has been on the shelf for some time now.

Jacob resettled the pike on his shoulder, he was unused to its weight, and it hurt his slight frame. Sergeants yelled out orders as quickly as they received them from the officers at the back of the field. The soldiers around him were all breathing deeply, the fear and excitement of the coming battle was taking hold of them, and Jacob could see it on their faces.

Corey LeMoine said:

Here are the first three from a previous work that has been on the shelf for some time now.

Jacob resettled the pike on his shoulder, he was unused to its weight, and it hurt his slight frame. Sergeants yelled out orders as quickly as they received them from the officers at the back of the field. The soldiers around him were all breathing deeply, the fear and excitement of the coming battle was taking hold of them, and Jacob could see it on their faces.

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I get lost in the first sentence, I'm afraid. The listing of three fragments scatters my brain. I would suggest condensing them. Or just start with your second sentence, which is more likely to catch my interest. Then combine Jacob's state with the atmosphere on the battlefield.

Also, maybe describe one of the soldier's faces to give us a better idea of what's about to happen.

Hope it helps.

I'm trying to figure which idea to pursue next. Here's the first three from one of the WIPs I have started fiddling around with.

Unexpected: two rent-a-cops, 9mms on their hips.

A possible benefit: they're guarding more loot than anticipated.

Frank pulled the balaclava over his face and said, “Do it quietly.”

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From my new YA:

Don't believe her. Please, please ignore her. All that stuff she's saying, it's all lies and she's dangerous.

And now she's coming for me.

Don't believe her. Please, please ignore her. All that stuff she's saying, it's all lies and she's dangerous.

And now she's coming for me.

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LadyA,
Intriguing initial lines. I like it.

Is the cursing too much?

Rayn didn't like staying at any rathskeller for this long. Shit, she didn't like having to set one foot in the bitch the first place. Whatever crawled up her landlord’s ass made him raise her rent by a hundred creds, which meant another three transactions to meet her quota for the week.

LadyA said:

From my new YA:

Don't believe her. Please, please ignore her. All that stuff she's saying, it's all lies and she's dangerous.

And now she's coming for me.

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I totally want to know what's going on. Good first lines.

Emualde said:

Rayn didn't like staying at any rathskeller for this long. Shit, she didn't like having to set one foot in the bitch the first place. Whatever crawled up her landlord’s ass made him raise her rent by a hundred creds, which meant another three transactions to meet her quota for the week.

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I don't like the bolded part, sounds weird to me. Cursing doesn't bother me personally if it's right for the story.