Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

MakanJuu said:

Ok, here's the one I'm working on, this being the first three sentances of the prologue of my novel WIP:

The night had erupted in fire.
What had started as an average peaceful night plagued only by the symphony of crickets and frogs as families went about their nightly business within the calm mountain village had become nothing so much as a wasteland of death and destruction when the emperor's forces moved in.
Everything was burning and everyone was dying as men in dark armor flowed savagely around them, screaming bloody murder as they swung, hacking and stabbing, anyone who stood before them.

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I like the concept, but is there a way to make it less passive? Can you show us the action rather than remember it?

"The night erupted in fire" is a stronger opening, and then your story can take off right in the midst of the slaughter!

A few other picks: "flowed savagely" and "swung" should be cut. Savage is implied in the next sentence. "Screaming bloody murder" is cliche and should also be replaced.

dkamin said:

Here's one from my current WIP, an urban fantasy. It's first draft of course (only on chapter 6!), so take it with a grain of salt.

“Well, crap.” John spat on a wilted shrub and leaned forward. “Why are there so many of those things?”

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An idea: open with the action rather than the dialogue. He can just as easily say "Well, crap!" afterwards.

I'm not sure about going into more detail at this point in the story, I was using the first couple of paragraphs to allow a lead-in type flashback to introduce immediate sympathy for that specific main character in particular for having lived through that. The backstory was going to be expanded on more later in the story.

Other than the first couple paragraphs or so, the rest of the prologue is actively taking place.

It is a work in progress, though.

Aerial said:

I'm starting a massive rewrite of an old manuscript, so it might as well be a whole new project. Here are the first three sentences:

Tarill refused to look at the men who had come to buy her. They sat at a row of sleek olive wood tables, each surrounded by a cluster of legal and financial advisors. Tarill would have to walk past each of them on her way to the royal dais at the far end of the room.

Thanks!

Aerial

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I would suggest changing that last use of "Tarill" to "she." Keep name repetition of the POV character to a minimum.

If she's not looking at the men, how can she describe where they're sitting and who is around them?

Maybe she refuses to meet their eyes, or look them in the face?

Beyond any of that, this is an interesting set-up. It starts with a character who has a problem and I'd read on to see what she does about it.

folkchick said:

From new WIP:

He had one of those automatic coffeepots, the kind where you set everything up the night before—the filter, three scoops of Folgers, poured the water in—only he always forgot to do all that shit, and the coffeepot beeped like some dry bomb ready to explode. That’s why he never bought, or used, an alarm clock. He’d gotten so used to the coffeepot going off at five a.m. that he didn’t need one.

But dammit if he didn’t need a cup of coffee.

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I love it. The voice is great and that first sentence is especially great. The last sentence could use a little tweaking: He'd gotten used to the coffeepot going off at five a.m.

But otherwise, I hope you don't change a word.

MakanJuu said:

Ok, here's the one I'm working on, this being the first three sentances of the prologue of my novel WIP:

The night had erupted in fire.
What had started as an average peaceful night plagued only by the symphony of crickets and frogs as families went about their nightly business within the calm mountain village had become nothing so much as a wasteland of death and destruction when the emperor's forces moved in.
Everything was burning and everyone was dying as men in dark armor flowed savagely around them, screaming bloody murder as they swung, hacking and stabbing, anyone who stood before them.

Click to expand...

You don't need the first sentence.

The second one is wordy. Simplify it:

What had started as a peaceful night in a calm mountain village disturbed only by a symphony of crickets and frogs, became a wasteland of death and destruction when the emperor's forces moved in.

Or something like that.

What I find missing from this opening is a POV.

dkamin said:

Here's one from my current WIP, an urban fantasy. It's first draft of course (only on chapter 6!), so take it with a grain of salt.

“Well, crap.” John spat on a wilted shrub and leaned forward. “Why are there so many of those things?”

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I hafta admit, I find this intriguing. I want to know what he sees.

From Restoration, the first book of the new series I'm working on, St. Augustine Secrets:

“What the hell am I doing here?”

Stefan looked up at the imposing structure looming over him. It was pretty much the last place on earth he wanted to be. But when his dead grandmother showed up in the middle of the night and told him to get his ass home, he figured it was probably a good idea to do what she said.

Beachgirl said:

From Restoration, the first book of the new series I'm working on, St. Augustine Secrets:

“What the hell am I doing here?”

Stefan looked up at the imposing structure looming over him. It was pretty much the last place on earth he wanted to be. But when his dead grandmother showed up in the middle of the night and told him to get his ass home, he figured it was probably a good idea to do what she said.

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The only thing I don't like is that unattributed line of dialogue. I always have to stop and work out who's saying it and why when I read something like that. I think you could just drop it entirely. It doesn't add anything.

Also, "imposing structure" is so vague I have no idea what to imagine. Can you be more specific? It is a house? An office building? A warehouse? The Taj Mahal?

Other than that, I like the opening and I'd keep reading.

My current short story W.I.P.:

It was the stupidest thing he’d done, even if necessary. The Boston night closed in on him: dark, implacable and merciless. Akira suppressed a shudder, edging quiet and cautious into a near empty public parking garage.

AKyber36 said:

My current short story W.I.P.:

It was the stupidest thing he’d done, even if necessary. The Boston night closed in on him: dark, implacable and merciless. Akira suppressed a shudder, edging quiet and cautious into a near empty public parking garage.

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The first sentence could be stronger. A great tip I learned was to avoid words like was . The "even if necessary" sounds strange and I'm not sure what you mean by it.

The second sentence is very vague: all telling, no showing; all adjective, no concrete images. I suggest a simile, maybe like "the black night poured into the sidewalk cracks and the potholes in the street, behind dumpsters and trash bins like translucent tar. It stuck to anyone walking and lingered on the creases of their face, reviving old worries and regrets." I don't know what your story is about, so the mood elements might be irrelevant.

The last sentence, quiet and cautious is repetitive and not concrete either. Show me that he was cautious, don't tell me.

I zoomed in as she approached the steps of the bridge, taking voyeuristic pleasure in seeing her pixelated cleavage fill up the screen. What was it about those electronic dots that had the power to turn people on? There was nothing real in them, but that never stopped millions of people everyday; male and female, from deriving sexual gratification by interacting with those points of light. It must all be down to our perception of reality.

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I don't think that semicolon is right since the second half can't stand alone. I originally misread it as a comma and it worked just fine.

Dorky said:

I spit the blood out of my mouth. Gross, gross, gross. I would really rather have only my own blood in my body, but there’s just no helping some things.

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Lineykins said:

You may think I deserved it, what happened that night in July: I’m a whore, after all. It wasn’t like I was an innocent teenage virgin or anything. I’d been spreading my legs for more than a year, getting paid for it for almost as long. And that night I’d been willing to have sex with two of them. What’s the difference if a few more guys joined in?

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folkchick said:

He had one of those automatic coffeepots, the kind where you set everything up the night before—the filter, three scoops of Folgers, poured the water in—only he always forgot to do all that shit, and the coffeepot beeped like some dry bomb ready to explode. That’s why he never bought, or used, an alarm clock. He’d gotten so used to the coffeepot going off at five a.m. that he didn’t need one.

But dammit if he didn’t need a cup of coffee.

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I totally dig these.

Ok, now I feel like I can post my own.

The clouds below us stretched across the horizon, covering the earth in a sea of convoluted rolls like the cortex of a brain. Lightning flashed like neurons, illuminating every fold, a constant glitter of exponential waves of light bursting thousands of kilometers across. I pressed my ear to Lenix’s chest as he hummed a low song, his voice the key and timbre of the perpetual rumble of thunder. All songs, all laughter, all of our voices kept tune with the thunder.

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Did you immediately wonder why they were above the clouds? Did it give you a clear image? Do you feel like something is "going on underneath it all"? Was the use of timbre ok? Oh god, is it purple? Something is off, but I don't know what.

Shiloh said:

A great tip I learned was to avoid words like was .

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It's not easy to avoid "was" all the time. Sometimes we just "are" things.

Shiloh said:

The clouds below us stretched across the horizon, covering the earth in a sea of convoluted rolls like the cortex of a brain. Lightning flashed like neurons, illuminating every fold, a constant glitter of exponential waves of light bursting thousands of kilometers across. I pressed my ear to Lenix’s chest as he hummed a low song, his voice the key and timbre of the perpetual rumble of thunder. All songs, all laughter, all of our voices kept tune with the thunder.

Did you immediately wonder why they were above the clouds? Nope. Did it give you a clear image? No. Do you feel like something is "going on underneath it all"? No. Was the use of timbre ok? No. Oh god, is it purple? Yes! Something is off, but I don't know what. Let's take a look, shall we?

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Sorry, Shiloh, but this is, indeed, purple prose. Or at least a sparkly violet.

It's way too much description of clouds, thunder, someone's voice with relation to the thunder, yada yada yada. You're trying far too hard, which makes this sound like writing.

If you would like us to "feel" that something is "going on underneath it all," you need to *show* us what is going on. Don't be coy. We need characters, action, and the promise of a plot. Right now you've given us cotton candy in the sky. (It's very pretty, creative cotton candy, but it's got zero nutrition.)

Scrap this and start with someone doing something interesting. Good luck!

AKyber36 said:

My current short story W.I.P.:

It was the stupidest thing he’d done, even if necessary.

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At the very least, I suggest rearranging these sentences:

Akira suppressed a shudder, edging quiet and cautious into a near empty public parking garage. The Boston night closed in on him: dark, implacable and merciless.

Shiloh said:

Ok, now I feel like I can post my own.



Did you immediately wonder why they were above the clouds? Did it give you a clear image? Do you feel like something is "going on underneath it all"? Was the use of timbre ok? Oh god, is it purple? Something is off, but I don't know what.

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To be honest, I missed a lot of the important bits because they were hidden amongst all the words. Part of the reason is that you've used a whole bunch of words that bring the story back down again: sea, earth, low, waves, etc.

If you want to lift the story above the clouds, think about the words that will bring it there.

If the important part of this is that they are above the clouds, cut to the chase and leave the rest out

First 3 sentences?Allright:

''They say the road to Hell if paved with good intentions.They say many things.Truth be told,it's the only road that leads somewhere.''

She sat holding the feeble hand of her mother. An ache in her chest so fierce brought tears to Amaya’s eyes. How could it be happening now? It was too soon

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Thanks guys, here's my revised 3 sentences.

Gynn said:

An idea: open with the action rather than the dialogue. He can just as easily say "Well, crap!" afterwards.

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I do like the idea, and usually I do like opening with some sort of action, but this time I would thought to go a slightly different route with the intrigue/mystery route as to what he is seeing (the action comes in about two paragraphs later).

That was/is/were/had rule isn't absolute btw, it just helps sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for confirming my fears. I cut the 81 words down to 55 and I realized I could split the sentences between two scenes that I've switched around. So how's this:

Below me, the clouds stretched across the horizon like the cortex of a brain, its neurons a constant glitter of lightning. I rolled my jet west to the storm seen by the satellite: an anvil-shaped cloud, like toxic thoughts floating out of the Earth’s mind, spreading flat against the cold ceiling of the tropopause. The storm threatened to sink our plate colony into the lightning storm that covered the Earth, constant and impenetrable.

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Better?

BethS said:

I hafta admit, I find this intriguing. I want to know what he sees.

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Thanks! I didn't see this before otherwise I would have lumped it into my other post.

“Well, crap.” John spat on a wilted shrub and leaned forward. “Why are there so many of those things?”

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I'm confused as to whether the shrub is important, as it's in the first line. If it's just there to be spat on, I'd cut it. Also, how is he leaning forward? Is he standing and leaning forward on a leg, or sitting on something and leaning forward?

I'm curious about what he sees too.

The second sentence is the one that creates the scene- not the first.

The rest still needs attention but I've tinkered a tad in case it helps you focus.

Say what you mean.

=Shiloh;7878653]That was/is/were/had rule isn't absolute btw, it just helps sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for confirming my fears. I cut the 81 words down to 55 and I realized I could split the sentences between two scenes that I've switched around. So how's this:



Below me, the clouds stretched across the horizon like the cortex of a brain, its neurons a constant glitter of lightning. I rolled my jet west to[wards] the storm seen by the satellite: an anvil-shaped cloud, like toxic thoughts floating out of the Earth’s mind, spreading flat against the cold ceiling of the tropopause. [The storm threatened to sink our plate colony into the lightning storm that covered the Earth, constant and impenetrable. I'm not sure what this last sentence is supposed to convey. Do you mean the storm is permanent? Is the storm going to somehow damage whatever the plate colony is. There is some confusion in my mind as to whether this is an isolated storm towards which you have turned - how can you turn towards a 'constant and impenetrable storm that covered the Earth'? Are there two storms?]



Better?

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