Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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Fabor

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Hmm, I think this is another opening that needs purging of adjectives. Try it again without any of them. Then look at which noun in each sentence would most benefit from additional description. Maybe it's the van. Maybe it's the house. Or the woman. Try to choose adjectives that evoke rather than describe.

'Peaked' should be 'peeked' btw.

Thanks for the thoughts and the spelling correction. I really liked the idea of evoking instead of describing. I was wondering if I overdid the description of the street. I should have listened to that inner voice. Here is the trimmed and hopefully improved sentences.

On a suburban street, a black van packed full of electronic gear hummed as the agents inside monitored the surroundings of the Dortmore house. Inside the house a woman with brown hair and blue skin peeked out at the van.
“Stupid earthlings, they don’t even know I’m an alien also,” Julia whispered to herself.
 

BethS

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On a quiet, ordinary suburban street, a nondescript black van packed full of electronic gear hummed as the agents inside monitored the surroundings of the Dortmore house. Inside the house a short, slightly plump woman with brown hair and blue skin peaked out at the van.
“Stupid earthlings, they don’t even know I’m an alien also,” Julia whispered to herself.

First, it's "peeked," not "peaked."

Second, who is Julia? The blue-skinned alien? I would think the blue skin would give her away. Yet this dialogue doesn't really sound like it came from her.

This is confusing the way it jumps from the van to the woman in the house to the mysterious Julia, who seems to be floating in space. Well, since she's an alien, maybe that appropriate...
 

Fabor

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First, it's "peeked," not "peaked."

Second, who is Julia? The blue-skinned alien? I would think the blue skin would give her away. There are blue skinned humans. Yet this dialogue doesn't really sound like it came from her.

This is confusing the way it jumps from the van to the woman in the house to the mysterious Julia, who seems to be floating in space. Well, since she's an alien, maybe that appropriate...

Thanks for the incisive comment. I did write that poorly. I can see a couple of possible choices, one is easy, but I'm not sure it's the best.

On a suburban street, a black van packed full of electronic gear hummed as the agents inside monitored the surroundings of the Dortmore house. Inside the house Julia, a woman with brown hair and blue skin, peeked out at the van.
“Stupid earthlings, they don’t even know I’m an alien also,” she whispered to herself.

or and this leaves out the description of the van's contents and shows the next sentence of the opening.

Julia, a woman with brown hair and blue skin, peeked out of her a suburban house at a black van.
“Stupid earthlings, they don’t even know I’m an alien also,” she whispered to herself. Turning from the window she grabbed something else to put it into her suitcase, “It was a stroke of luck that some earthlings are blue, even though most don’t know that.”
 
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AWriterBlocked

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She sat up abruptly, backed to the headboard, and wrapped her arms around her knees.


It was 66 degrees in the house. Still, sweat pasted the sheet to her naked body and beads of perspiration dotted her forehead.


She closed her eyes and forced herself to recall the minute details of the horrific dream that had fled the moment she had woken. But the harder she tried, the further it slipped away. Part of her was relieved.
 

BethS

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She sat up abruptly, backed to the headboard, and wrapped her arms around her knees.


It was 66 degrees in the house. Still, sweat pasted the sheet to her naked body and beads of perspiration dotted her forehead.


She closed her eyes and forced herself to recall the minute details of the horrific dream that had fled the moment she had woken. But the harder she tried, the further it slipped away. Part of her was relieved.

Did you mean..."her back to the headboard"? Maybe you don't need that phrase at all. It kind of clutters things up.

Anyway, opening with characters waking up, and waking up from dreams, has been overdone to the point where it's a cliche.

In your case, she wakes up from a dream she can't remember, and so the reader has nothing interesting to grab on to. My recommendation is to find another place to start.
 

BethS

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this leaves out the description of the van's contents and shows the next sentence of the opening.

Julia, a woman with brown hair and blue skin, peeked out of her a suburban house at a black van.
“Stupid earthlings, they don’t even know I’m an alien also,” she whispered to herself. Turning from the window she grabbed something else to put it into her suitcase, “It was a stroke of luck that some earthlings are blue, even though most don’t know that.”

That one's a better choice. But if the agents in the van don't think she's an alien, why are they spying on her? And her second line of dialogue is telling in the worst way. It looks like it was put there to inform the reader. It's not something that someone would actually say to herself.

Maybe just let the story unfold for the reader without trying to explain it, at least not yet. You have a blue-skinned woman packing a bag, while outside there's a parked black van. That's intriguing enough to be going on with.
 

Dorky

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She sat up abruptly, backed to the headboard, and wrapped her arms around her knees.


It was 66 degrees in the house. Still, sweat pasted the sheet to her naked body and beads of perspiration dotted her forehead.


She closed her eyes and forced herself to recall the minute details of the horrific dream that had fled the moment she had woken. But the harder she tried, the further it slipped away. Part of her was relieved.

I’m not sure what “backed to the headboard” is supposed to mean. Does that mean she moved back to lean against the headboard?

Let me ask you something: have you or someone you know ever had a nightmare and then woken up like that? Suddenly snapping their torso up to sit, scooching back, and then immediately grabbing their knees?

It’s a very clichéd scenario. There’s even a tvtropes page on it showing some of the other times this exact same wake-up method has been utilized. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to use this; it just has to be done well.

I want to know what the nightmare is about. All you’ve done is tell me that it existed, but she has no idea what happened in it. It’s a bit of a letdown.

Who is this “she”? Do we get a name?

It looks like She (whoever she is) is your POV character. As such, her keen observations on the exact temperature (66 degrees!) comes off as very strange, especially since she just woke up.

Would I continue reading this?
No. It’s not a very interesting start to a story. I was not hooked.
 

Fabor

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That one's a better choice. But if the agents in the van don't think she's an alien, why are they spying on her? And her second line of dialogue is telling in the worst way. It looks like it was put there to inform the reader. It's not something that someone would actually say to herself.

Maybe just let the story unfold for the reader without trying to explain it, at least not yet. You have a blue-skinned woman packing a bag, while outside there's a parked black van. That's intriguing enough to be going on with.

Thanks, it is hard sometimes to restrain from giving the reader too much info. I appreciate your time and help.
 

WyattEarp

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Denver Colorado in the middle of an early soggy spring isn’t an uplifting place to be. The smog and the slush keep even the most fruitful and optimistic minds pinned under a wary cloud of abjectness.

Jack Mannish flits away his last early morning moments of consciousness watching a car chase rip through the streets of San Francisco on his flat screen TV.
 

WyattEarp

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Alot of editing

and deleting. Still trying to figure out the boards here.
 

WyattEarp

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I’m not sure what “backed to the headboard” is supposed to mean. Does that mean she moved back to lean against the headboard?

Let me ask you something: have you or someone you know ever had a nightmare and then woken up like that? Suddenly snapping their torso up to sit, scooching back, and then immediately grabbing their knees?

It’s a very clichéd scenario. There’s even a tvtropes page on it showing some of the other times this exact same wake-up method has been utilized. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to use this; it just has to be done well.

I want to know what the nightmare is about. All you’ve done is tell me that it existed, but she has no idea what happened in it. It’s a bit of a letdown.

Who is this “she”? Do we get a name?

It looks like She (whoever she is) is your POV character. As such, her keen observations on the exact temperature (66 degrees!) comes off as very strange, especially since she just woke up.

Would I continue reading this?
No. It’s not a very interesting start to a story. I was not hooked.

This three line thing is kinda fun, but it has no bearing on whether a person would keep reading it or not. I've never quit reading a book based on the first three lines. Maybe you could say "It's cold in the house" but....whatever. Maybe she describes the nightmare in the next line, maybe not...maybe she reveals a name in the fifth line. Does that really matter. I think it is fairly solid. The 66 degree part could be changed to "chilly" or something but most of Dorky's post in the words of Spinal Tap is "Just nitpicking really."
 

Anna Spargo-Ryan

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Denver Colorado in the middle of an early soggy spring isn’t an uplifting place to be. The smog and the slush keep even the most fruitful and optimistic minds pinned under a wary cloud of abjectness.

Jack Mannish flits away his last early morning moments of consciousness watching a car chase rip through the streets of San Francisco on his flat screen TV.

I'm not a big fan of using "X isn't Y" in an opening line, I think it detracts from why we should be interested in what's happening.

I would think about merging those first two sentences to be more like:

In a Denver Colorado spring, the smog and slush keep even the most fruitful and optimistic minds pinned under a wary cloud of abjectness.

I'm confused about how the third sentence is linked. Is Jack Mannish one of those people? Or is it more "Jack Mannish is not one of those minds, and he spends his last waking moments watching.."?
 

HatTrick

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I will never forget the first time I met him. The music in the club was blaring so loudly that I could barely hear myself think. I couldn’t tell you what songs were playing though because frankly, I was so out of touch with the current music that I didn’t even know them at the height of their popularity.
 

BethS

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I will never forget the first time I met him. The music in the club was blaring so loudly that I could barely hear myself think. I couldn’t tell you what songs were playing though because frankly, I was so out of touch with the current music that I didn’t even know them at the height of their popularity.

Third sentence is sidetracking. You can safely delete it.

As to the rest...take a look at the language: "blaring so loudly" "couldn't hear myself think"...even the opening line "I will never forget the first time I met him."

What they all have in common is that they look like phrases we've read a hundred times before. They give the prose a tired, stale sound. They are vague generalities and so don't present any specific images to draw the reader in.

Get specific.

Whom did she meet? Where? What kind of music? (Rock? Rap? Techno?) Describe what too loud to hear herself think feels like.
 

Sheluvspink

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There have been so many lonely days in this penthouse I've called home for the past year. The certainty of love that once existed here is now questionable. The dreams I had crushed by the bitter reality of what now exists.
 

Dorky

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This three line thing is kinda fun, but it has no bearing on whether a person would keep reading it or not. I've never quit reading a book based on the first three lines. Maybe you could say "It's cold in the house" but....whatever. Maybe she describes the nightmare in the next line, maybe not...maybe she reveals a name in the fifth line. Does that really matter. I think it is fairly solid. The 66 degree part could be changed to "chilly" or something but most of Dorky's post in the words of Spinal Tap is "Just nitpicking really."

Yup, I’m nitpicky. However, I still stand by what I said earlier. Those were my genuine first thoughts upon reading that opener.

I would definitely stop reading a story if the first few lines I see don’t interest me. I guess that just makes us different types of readers :)

Denver Colorado in the middle of an early soggy spring isn’t an uplifting place to be. The smog and the slush keep even the most fruitful and optimistic minds pinned under a wary cloud of abjectness.

Jack Mannish flits away his last early morning moments of consciousness watching a car chase rip through the streets of San Francisco on his flat screen TV.

Did you mean wary or weary?

The only major problem is that there is no discernible link between the depressing city of Denver and Jack Mannish. It’s like you’re a tour guide, and you’re taking the reader through Denver on a bus. Everything is going great when you suddenly swerve to the right, crash through Jack Mannish’s wall, and then show us that he’s watching TV. That’s how unexpected that third line was for me.

An interesting thing I experienced was reading the first two lines in first person. I was thrown off when I got to the third sentence. This is probably because I expected someone like Philip Marlowe to be narrating. This is just my own little quirk though; opening lines with dreary city landscapes that are rainy/soggy always make me think of a cynical, 1930s/1940s private eye :D

I like the way you painted your city here.

I would continue reading because I’m interested in the setting, but not particularly because of anything about Jack Mannish. That’s because the one sentence he’s in tells me nothing about him. It’s not a bad thing, and I expect I’ll find out more about him if I keep reading. :)
 

WyattEarp

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thanks

Thanks Dorky and Anna, and sorry for nitpicking your nitpicking Dorky. I think wary, as in careful, is correct. Weary would be pretty close to depressing/abject. I think Anna's point about pulling those lines together is not a bad idea, and I might put a line in there about the moisture forming fine freezing lines on the double hung window outside Jack's living room...kinda tie it together?
 

BethS

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I think wary, as in careful, is correct.

Truthfully, I have no idea what a wary cloud of abjectness is.

Me, either.

I might put a line in there about the moisture forming fine freezing lines on the double hung window outside Jack's living room...kinda tie it together

You could. But why not just start with Jack? Does it matter than Denver is slushy and depressing? Is that really the first thing that needs to be said?
 

WyattEarp

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wary cloud of depression? same thing really. maybe I'll change it.

I guess starting with Denver, slushy and depressing, kind of sets the scene. It is Jack's setting, adding to his state of mind. That's my thought. Maybe I'm off...
 

WyattEarp

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First 3 revised some

[FONT=&quot]"Jack Mannish flits away his last early morning moments of consciousness barely watching a car chase rip through the streets of San Francisco on his flat screen TV. He pays more attention to the long drips of freezing spring rain running down the double pane window in the living room. I hate this place."

I do like this better. Thanks guys. Maybe not perfect yet but more to the point.

[/FONT]
 

James simpson

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Not including the prologue this is the first three sentences. Warning, there is a little violence. :)

This was a bad idea, Collin thought as he brought his baseball bat down on the head of the closest infected, breaking its neck.
We are out of ammo and have about fifty infected between us and the safety of the cars. I should have just stayed in the damn shop.
 

BethS

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wary cloud of depression? same thing really. maybe I'll change it.

The problem word is "wary." It just doesn't fit with the rest.

"Jack Mannish flits away his last early morning moments of consciousness barely watching a car chase rip through the streets of San Francisco on his flat screen TV. He pays more attention to the long drips of freezing spring rain running down the double pane window in the living room. I hate this place."

Flit means a light, swift movement, a flutter. Time can flit by, but Jack cannot flit time. Flit is an intransitive verb. It doesn't take an object (unless you're using Scots dialect, where it means something else entirely). Maybe you meant fritter?

I take "last early morning moments of consciousness" to mean he's about to fall asleep (presumably because he works or stays up all night), but it's an awkward way to phrase it.

In the last sentence, I assume he's saying that out loud, so it needs an opening quotation mark.

It's better that you started with the character, but my (admittedly subjective) reaction to this is that there's nothing interesting about Jack to entice me to keep reading. My thinking is that you've started in the wrong place.
 

BethS

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Not including the prologue this is the first three sentences. Warning, there is a little violence. :)

This was a bad idea, Collin thought as he brought his baseball bat down on the head of the closest infected, breaking its neck.
We are out of ammo and have about fifty infected between us and the safety of the cars. I should have just stayed in the damn shop.

The thing about this is that you're using his thoughts purely to convey information to the reader. They don't sound natural.

There are better ways to do this. Just show us what he's doing. Don't explain it, not yet. And if he has to think something, make it pithy and natural. "I should have stayed in the damn shop" is fine, but nobody thinks "We are out of ammo and have about fifty infected between us and the safety of the cars."
 

WyattEarp

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The problem word is "wary." It just doesn't fit with the rest.



Flit means a light, swift movement, a flutter. Time can flit by, but Jack cannot flit time. Flit is an intransitive verb. It doesn't take an object (unless you're using Scots dialect, where it means something else entirely). Maybe you meant fritter?

I take "last early morning moments of consciousness" to mean he's about to fall asleep (presumably because he works or stays up all night), but it's an awkward way to phrase it.

In the last sentence, I assume he's saying that out loud, so it needs an opening quotation mark.

It's better that you started with the character, but my (admittedly subjective) reaction to this is that there's nothing interesting about Jack to entice me to keep reading. My thinking is that you've started in the wrong place.

Definitely will address "flit". One another point, my understanding is if something is a thought, you don't always have to say it's a thought. Especially if he's the only one there, it's pretty well understood. I thought about pulling some action forward, but this (maybe it's me) is getting to be a tired trick. Like pulling something from the middle of the story, some big gunfight or something, and then dropping back to the beginning in the next chapter. I think there is something to be said for "getting into a book". You shouldn't (I don't) expect Armageddon when you open a book to the first page. Unless we are all writing Diehard the novel.
 
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