Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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gcsalamon

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Maggie reined her mount in closer to Winn’s war pony, taking comfort in the rhythmic tap of his knee against hers as their horses brushed together. She reached out for him, her fingers sliding against the skin of his thigh, his warm bronze skin slick with sweat. It had been a long ride on a humid summer day without rest, a sacrifice made to speed their journey home, and she was glad it would soon come to an end.

I like this a lot, but have two comments.

The way it reads I'm initially unsure if Maggie is reaching out to touch Winn's knee, or the war pony's. Just my ignorance of horses, I suppose, as I would guess that if she is perched on a horse, she couldn't reach out and touch another horse's knee.

Second, if it is Winn she is touching, as I assume it is, I would probably use "bronzed" skin, although either way works.
 

gcsalamon

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Prior WIP, currently under submission. Working title: Heaven Help Me.

Jillian opened her eyes and practically fell right out of the unfamiliar wooden chair. Glancing around, she took in the strange surroundings. “Where in the hell. . . ” she muttered.
 

Anna Spargo-Ryan

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Prior WIP, currently under submission. Working title: Heaven Help Me.

Jillian opened her eyes and practically fell right out of the unfamiliar wooden chair. Glancing around, she took in the strange surroundings. “Where in the hell. . . ” she muttered.

I think 'practically' is a strange word choice here; 'almost' would be better. I'd also cut 'glancing around', as that's the action required to take in strange surroundings. I'd probably think about leaving off 'she muttered', too.

I really like brevity though ;)
 

Papaya

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I think 'practically' is a strange word choice here; 'almost' would be better. I'd also cut 'glancing around', as that's the action required to take in strange surroundings. I'd probably think about leaving off 'she muttered', too.

I really like brevity though ;)

I agree with these suggestions. You could try something like this:

Jillian opened her eyes and almost fell out of the unfamiliar wooden chair. Her heart rate quickened as she took in the strange surroundings. “Where in the hell. . . ”

This provides us with information about the circumstance Jillian is waking up in, while also connecting us emotionally with the character right from the start.
 

BethS

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Prior WIP, currently under submission. Working title: Heaven Help Me.

Jillian opened her eyes and practically fell right out of the unfamiliar wooden chair. Glancing around, she took in the strange surroundings. “Where in the hell. . . ” she muttered.

"Strange surroundings" is too vague. I want to see what she sees. Also, it's wordy. Just say, "She glanced around at ..." and then briefly describe what she's looking at.
 

BrumBall

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From 'Licking Walls in the Dark'


Is someone behind me? I thought sharply. No one else had any reason to be in my tunnel.

Great title, I'd pick the book up for that alone :D

You're allowed another sentence, you only have two there. Sounds interesting enough, I'd carry on reading.
 

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Some good stuff! Some of these I want to tag the username so I can see when you post more :)


This is from an earlier work of mine that has been since abandoned to the dark recesses of my hard drive waiting for me to write an ending. Retelling of Robin Hood as a girl in a YA fantasy world.

Jerusalem burned.

There were fires beyond the west gate, the wall was smashed, and there were soldiers pouring into the breach like water onto a sinking ship. The holy city was theirs; Hers.
 

Buffysquirrel

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Is someone behind me? I thought sharply. No one else had any reason to be in my tunnel.

Not sure how you think something 'sharply'. It doesn't create any kind of idea in my head.

Jerusalem burned.

There were fires beyond the west gate, the wall was smashed, and there were soldiers pouring into the breach like water onto a sinking ship. The holy city was theirs; Hers.

Intriguing opening. Not sure I'd say 'onto'. Maybe over or into? The use of the semi-colon there is entirely wrong.
 

Finis

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Yeah, I know, I noticed it when I was posting. I should have qualified it with [First Draft] but I didn't. Because I am lazy.

Jerusalem burned.

There were fires beyond the west gate, the wall was smashed, and there were soldiers pouring through the breach like water into a sinking ship. The holy city was theirs -- Hers.

Better?
 

BethS

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My suggestions:

Jerusalem burned.

There were fires beyond the west gate, the wall was smashed, and there were soldiers poured through the breach like water flooding into a sinking ship. The holy city was theirs. Hers.

Better?

I do wonder about using a water metaphor when the city is on fire.

But it does sound interesting. I want to know who the woman is and why she thinks the city is hers.
 

JamesBaldwin

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It is delicious thread, I must join it.

Here's my first three:
"AEROMOR Dock Number Four was usually busy through the night, but only three men were present in the suffocating humidity of the pre-dawn. Alexi and Nicolai stood together, side by side. At their feet, Frank Nacari lay with half his face torn off."
 

Finis

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It is delicious thread, I must join it.

Here's my first three:
"AEROMOR Dock Number Four was usually busy throughout the night, but only three men were present in the suffocating humidity of the pre-dawn. Alexi and Nicolai stood together, side by side. At their feet, Frank Nacari lay with half his face torn off."

Nice.

Maybe just the tiny change is what I would do if it were mine, but otherwise, nice.
 

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This is from my current thriller novel I'm slogging through.

They would use knives in the steamy and crowded outdoor market; they would surround him, cut off any escape route, and once they were close enough, use their sharp blades. A well trained assassin knows where to put the blade so its thrust would as deadly as a close range shot from a .357 Magnum without any of the noise and fuss that a gun makes. An accidental bump in the crowd, the knife would punch into the ribcage four or five times in a second and half, shredding organs, shearing major blood vessels, causing hemorrhage, shock, and finally death; it wouldn’t come quick and it wouldn’t be pretty, but it would be as silent as a grave.
 
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Papaya

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"The gathering hall was filled with voices. Aletta watched from her seat at the elder's table as the last of the clan’s people settled. When all were seated, she gave a small nod, and the babble of voices fell away at once."

I started revising my book again this morning after being stalled for more than a month. :hooray: (Long story.)
I started by rewriting my opening paragraph based on the feedback I received the first time I posted it.
 

Papaya

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This is from my current thriller novel I'm slogging through.

They would use knives in the steamy and crowded outdoor market; they would surround him, cut off any escape route, and once they were close enough, use their sharp blades. A well trained assassin knows where to put the blade so its thrust would as deadly as a close range shot from a .357 Magnum without any of the noise and fuss that a gun makes. An accidental bump in the crowd, the knife would punch into the ribcage four or five times in a second and half, shredding organs, shearing major blood vessels, causing hemorrhage, shock, and finally death; it wouldn’t come quick and it wouldn’t be pretty, but it would as silent as a grave.

This is a little gruesome for me, but I'm not your target audience. I would try breaking up the information and eliminating the extra verbiage. Something like this:

"They would use knives in the steamy and crowded outdoor market. They would surround him. Cut off any escape route. And once they were close enough, use their sharp blades.

A well trained assassin knows where to put the blade so its thrust is as deadly as a close range shot from a .357 Magnum. Without all the noise and fuss."

That's as far as I'm going to take it, but you get the idea.
 
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medicdoug

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Thanks so much for your input. It's always good to have another writer give you some constructive criticism. I was kinda influenced by Adam Hall's Quiller novels. He was the master of the run-on sentence that capture the breathless feeling of being a hunted spy.
 
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Bing Z

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This is from my current thriller novel I'm slogging through.

They would use knives in the steamy and crowded outdoor market; they would surround him, cut off any escape route, and once they were close enough, use their sharp blades. A well trained assassin knows where to put the blade so its thrust would as deadly as a close range shot from a .357 Magnum without any of the noise and fuss that a gun makes. An accidental bump in the crowd, the knife would punch into the ribcage four or five times in a second and half, shredding organs, shearing major blood vessels, causing hemorrhage, shock, and finally death; it wouldn’t come quick and it wouldn’t be pretty, but it would as silent as a grave.

For me, there are two problems:

a) You don't need the blue texts at all. Humans have been assassinating in close range with knives for centuries with great successes. No need to reiterate and get into gruesome details before anything happens. You're not writing a "how to" manual, after all.

b) The opening lines sound like a perceived plan that the MC will face. So right there I'll want to meet him and know whether he can survive the attack and how. Who is he?
 

Bing Z

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"The gathering hall was filled with voices. Aletta watched from her seat at the elder's table as the last of the clan’s people settled. When all were seated, she gave a small nod, and the babble of voices fell away at once."

I'd suggest changing the first line to be visual rather than vocal, to keep in sync with the 2nd line (also visual). The last sentence is a little wordy, not sure if it's done on purpose.
 

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From my current spec/horror story:

I couldn’t have been older than five when it all began. Despite this I still remember those months clearly. The first day I heard the word ‘Tengu’ I was barely paying attention.
 

BethS

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"The gathering hall was filled with voices. Aletta watched from her seat at the elder's table as the last of the clan’s people settled. When all were seated, she gave a small nod, and the babble of voices fell away at once."

That first sentence either needs more, or it needs to be dropped. If you're going to open with a setting description, make it pop. What unique features does this hall have that would tell your reader something about the culture of the people who use it? This is an opportunity to world build. Make the most of it.
 

Buffysquirrel

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I couldn’t have been older than five when it all began. Despite this I still remember those months clearly. The first day I heard the word ‘Tengu’ I was barely paying attention.

Your second sentence isn't doing what you may hope it'll do. Rather than reinforcing the idea that the narrator can remember everything that happened when they were five, it raises the question of whether they can in the reader's mind when it may not even have been there to start with.

Also, this feels choppy, in that one sentence doesn't follow naturally from the one before. I'd be tempted to start with the third sentence, even though I'm not a huge fan of narrators commenting on things they barely notice.
 
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