Dear book

kaitie

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Is a plot turtle okay?

Dear query letter of DOOOOM!!!!,

First of all, I'd like to say your name looks funny with all those exclamation points. I mean, just look at how goofy that is next to the comma there.

Well, I guess it's better time to say it. You're irritating the heck out of me. How many times have you insisted on being rewritten now? It's not like this should be that hard. Superheroes out superheroing. Bad guy shows up. Lots of people almost die.

But nooo, you're all "Sounding cliche is fun," and "let's sound really uninteresting!"

I won't take this much longer. If you don't straighten up, I'm going to replace you. Really. I mean that.

Curmudgeoningly yours,

Kaitie
 

cooeedownunder

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Dear Book,

By any chance do you know Emily Bronte's muse(s). I assume she doesn't need them any longer. Let them know there's a job available...
 
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mccardey

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Dear Book

I'm getting such a crush on you...

xx
 

mccardey

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Oh! Harsh!!

Dear Book,

Don't worry - we've got a lawyer.....

:tongue
 

mccardey

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Dear Book,

Take a big breath and scream SCARLETPEACHES really loudly!

She eats mean books for breakfast. And their hitmen. (Especially their hitmen...)
 

cooeedownunder

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Dear book,

You've led me so far astray this evening, that if you DO NOT BEHAVE, then I'll throw you against the wall, and get a new one.
 

Ruv Draba

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Dear Jude,

I'm trying to be a good book, I really am! It's just that as your latest book, I'm naturally your most challenging. I am the culmination of all the knowledge and successes and failures of all your effort to date and you're a much better writer than you've ever been, but your imagination is even bigger and I just want to be the very best book you can possibly write.

Please be patient with me, and please never give up. I will try and make you proud.

Devotedly yours,

Your Book.
 

Exile87

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Dear Current WIP,

I wish you were a full-blown thriller, and not sci-fi, so I can post about it here, in my favorite forum!

*gnashes teeth*

Exile87

P.S. But there is a great deal of mystery/thriller elements in it!!!
 

kaitie

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Post about it anyway. :D Goodness only knows what genre my last story was.
 

Ruv Draba

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Dear idea,

We've only been seeing each other for a few days and while you're fun, I'm starting to feel that you're trying too hard to impress. I can tell that you're the kind of idea who's looking for commitment and that's great, but if you want me to take you seriously, you'll have to drop the pretense and show me something I haven't seen before.

I don't mean mad party tricks or taking me to meet your crazy family. I want you to tell me something only you can say, whisper me your secrets as we sit together on some lonely cliff, staring at the fervid bedlam of our world.

And if you can't do that -- or worse if you could but won't, well I won't put up with your whining that I'm the one with the commitment issues. Whimsy's all very diverting, but true commitment demands inspired companionship and unflinching truth.

Sincerely,

Ruv.
 
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heyjude

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Dear Current WIP,

I wish you were a full-blown thriller, and not sci-fi, so I can post about it here, in my favorite forum!

*gnashes teeth*

Exile87

P.S. But there is a great deal of mystery/thriller elements in it!!!

Dear Exile,

I say it more than qualifies. Besides, we want to know! Post away! :)

Love,

Mama Jude
 

Namatu

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Dear Book,

Didn't we already have a talk about this mental outlining? For reals. Cut it out. (Although if anyone reading this can recommend a good dark, grungy hideout in Philly, I need a place.)

Seriously now,

Namatu
 

Exile87

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Alright Mama, you got it!



Dear Book,

Why must all this sci-fi tech mumbo-jumbo get in the way of the story?! All I want to write is a decent suspense/mystery in a sci-fi setting! Enough of the terms navigator, station, bridge, communicator, system diagnostic, intercom, escape capsules, distress beacon, heat dispersion system, etc! It's driving me B-B-BONKERS!!!

More importantly, it's distracting me from creating suspense - you know, the reason I'm writing this in the first place! How can I develop the darned mystery and have my readers turning the page in a mix of excitement and terror when all these technical words and procedures are smothering me?!?!

Your bud (kinda)

Exile87
 

Namatu

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Dear Exile,

That's the way I am. Who doesn't love a little heat dispersion system? And think of the suspense when that sucker breaks down!

Don't underestimate your readers.

Love,

Your Sci-Fi Suspense/Mystery
 

wonderactivist

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Dear Book,

Can you leave me alone already? I've got two sick kids, one tumble-down shack that used to be a home, and the timer is going off on the chicken broth. This is not the time for you to barge in and tell me about a new plot twist. I'm supposed to be writing in the sequel. Remember him, that poor, neglected 20-scene soul.

I think we're having dependency issues. Revision isn't a religion. Go meditate or something til this afternoon.

Lucie
 

Cyia

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Dear Book,

Why do you insist on sounding awesome in my head, and then not being so awesome when I put you in written format? It's not funny.

I don't appreciate the stress, and I'm putting you on notice that if you don't get yourself together, I have no problem applying the delete key to large swaths of your person.

You've dawdled for two months, and refused to incorporate any of the hundred and fifty thousand words written in that time. I've had it. Don't make me resort to "and then a rock fell off a mountain and everyone died, THE END."

I'll do it...
 

mirandashell

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Dear Book,

You're looking thin. I need, really really need, to fatten you a bit. Give me a clue what you need. Talk to me. Stop sitting there, staring at me.