Music Lab is quiet...I'll post this here

Blinkk · Sep 25, 2014

Hey guys, The Music Lab is looking pretty empty these days. Is it okay if I post an original song here?

I'm a female lead guitarist, and I write songs and lyrics. When I'm not on these forums I'm Lindy Day.

This is a single called All Parts of You from my new upcoming album, The Dark Side of Day.

It's an emotive rock lament featuring a crying lead guitar.

All comments are welcome. I appreciate honesty.
Lindy Day - All Parts of You

And my website, just cause http://www.LindyDay.com

In those moments
where I cease to breathe
I cease to take you out of me
the earlier nights
the life in between
Is pain after midnight infecting my dreams.

The fragmented memory
that keeps me awake at night
long after winter has melted her flake
Long after summers;
the colors of the snow
this is how the story goes

Longer,
perhaps after eternity's mask
after planets erode in a cosmic clash
it's the fragmented memories
that never cease to leave,
no matter how hard I try
I can't take you out of me

The fragmented memory
that keeps me awake at night
long after winter has melted her flake
Long after summers;
the colors of the snow
this is how the story goes

The fragmented memory
that keeps me awake at night
long after winter has melted her flake
Long after summers;
the colors of the snow

this is how the story goes.

Jack Oskar Larm · Sep 25, 2014

Hey Blinkk, sounds good. Nice guitar playing; rich sound all round. About the lyrics, I like most of what I see. Correct me if I wrong, this is a 'tortured heart' song ... lost love? First off, the only thing that troubled me a little because it diluted the narrative is the repetition of phrases and ideas, especially because the hook seems to be the line 'this is how the story goes'. I suppose I want more story. Here's a few specific comments.

In those moments
where I cease to breathe [replace 'where' with 'when', because of the opener 'moments'. It's about time not place.]
I cease to take you out of me [I'm a little irked by the repeating word 'cease' here. Why not just say something plain like 'I can't take you out of me'? You did this later.]
the earlier nights [could this line be stronger?]
the life in between [between what?]
Is pain after midnight infecting my dreams. [I'm assuming the 'pain after midnight' is referring to the love lost?]

The fragmented memory [is fragmented the best word here? It doesn't seem 'painful' or 'specific' enough]
that keeps me awake at night
long after winter has melted her flake [not sure that 'flake' works here. Besides, it's not a pretty word. I don't mean to suggest you need a pretty word. Far from it. I think the word here should be specific to the issue at hand. For instance, 'frozen tears'? Also, the phrase 'winter has melted her flake' doesn't quite make sense, because winter doesn't melt flakes it creates them. Or am I missing something?]
Long after summers;
the colors of the snow [these two lines are a bit vague and confusing. I think they need to lead up to the hook 'this is how the story goes' with more force and direction.]
this is how the story goes

Longer,
perhaps after eternity's mask
after planets erode in a cosmic clash
it's the fragmented memories
that never cease to leave,
no matter how hard I try
I can't take you out of me
[Although I didn't quite expect the narrative to jump orbit, I do like the verse progression to this point. It really drives home the point that this pain is killing you.]

The fragmented memory
that keeps me awake at night
long after winter has melted her flake
Long after summers;
the colors of the snow
this is how the story goes

The fragmented memory
that keeps me awake at night
long after winter has melted her flake
Long after summers;
the colors of the snow

this is how the story goes.

It seems I've been too harsh, doesn't it? I'm happy to discuss these lyrics in even more detail if it helps. I think you would have stronger lyrics if you contained the narrative more, made it more personal. Feel free to check out my song and lyrics (link in my signature).

Jack Oskar Larm · Sep 26, 2014

I've had a sleep and time to consider something more to say. From an 'big picture' point of view, it's almost there as a cohesive whole. The song has two verses which should do a better job of exploring and expanding the narrative. I think part of the problem is the scope of imagery you've used from something quite personal to something quite cosmic. This is fine, but there does seem to be too large a gap of credibility between the two verses. I would suggest sticking to one of these metaphorical scenes, i.e. alone in your bedroom or gazing out into an emotional outer space. Actually, I like the imagery you used for the second verses and I would be bold enough to suggest that the verse message is contained there. It might be stronger if the 1st person perspective hovered around these images such as floating in space, emptiness, distance. In fact, you could ditch the imagery of winter and replace it with the cold of space.

I just realised the title of the song is All Parts of You. Hmmm, yet it doesn't appear in the lyric. That's fine, but you have to be careful that you're not just adding more confusion or abstraction to the mix. Admittedly, I'm not a big fan of the repeated line 'this is how the story goes' because it seems I've heard it many times before. I wonder why you didn't make the song title the hook?

I actually think the slightly chaotic rhyme scheme you've used works well in this song. I'd even go as far as tinkering with the number of lines and stresses to create even more instability.

Blinkk · Sep 26, 2014

Thanks for the feedback Jack. Nope, you're not too harsh. Like I said, as long as the feedback is honest I'll take it.

It's clear that from your feedback I didn't get my point across. Hmm, I'll have to work that out a bit more. For what it's worth, I was just talking about rerecording this song with a new singer so if there's a time to revise the lyrics, now would be it!

It's a song about losing someone close, but not my first love.

Still, the person I lost was just as close. The big picture of the lyrics is that no matter how much time passes, there's a part of that person still within me. That's why I talk about the passing seasons. Summers can come and go, winter can turn, and still that person is a part of me. And then I make the jump to a grandeur scale of telling time - cosmic time where planets erode, and galaxies collide - that no matter the time span, I'll never be able to separate myself from the influence that person left on me.

Kind of cheesy in it's big picture state, I know, but it's just what came out.

And ya know...the line "this is how the story goes" was added after the fact by another person, so it's interesting that you commented on that. I'll have to explore another refrain and see if I can't come up with another sentence that pulls the big idea into a nice couple of words.

I'm going to take your feedback and write a second draft. I'd like to make this message sharper. It's pretty dull right now. Give me a few days to work with this and I'll post another draft.

Thank you for your comments, this helps a lot.

Jack Oskar Larm · Sep 27, 2014

Thanks for the feedback Jack. Nope, you're not too harsh. Like I said, as long as the feedback is honest I'll take it.

Good attitude.

It's clear that from your feedback I didn't get my point across. Hmm, I'll have to work that out a bit more. For what it's worth, I was just talking about rerecording this song with a new singer so if there's a time to revise the lyrics, now would be it!

I can be picky, trust me. I've been writing for over twenty years and I had a recent breakthrough when I did a short online lyric writing course with Pat Pattison. I do know the angst of re-recording songs, but I think it's necessary for the long term. I mean, you have to take a little extra work now to do less later.

It's a song about losing someone close, but not my first love. Still, the person I lost was just as close. The big picture of the lyrics is that no matter how much time passes, there's a part of that person still within me. That's why I talk about the passing seasons. Summers can come and go, winter can turn, and still that person is a part of me. And then I make the jump to a grandeur scale of telling time - cosmic time where planets erode, and galaxies collide - that no matter the time span, I'll never be able to separate myself from the influence that person left on me.

Kind of cheesy in it's big picture state, I know, but it's just what came out.

Honour that first impulse, but treat like an unformed thing. Far from finished. Sure, there are times when you can literally write a great song lyric in a couple of hours. But that's not the rule, so we have to work at it. How much of the mechanics of the lyric do you consider and how?

And ya know...the line "this is how the story goes" was added after the fact by another person, so it's interesting that you commented on that. I'll have to explore another refrain and see if I can't come up with another sentence that pulls the big idea into a nice couple of words.

The line slips into the cliche zone. Tread very carefully or avoid the zone all together. Why not the title of the song? Maybe you have to mess with the title some more.

I'm going to take your feedback and write a second draft. I'd like to make this message sharper. It's pretty dull right now. Give me a few days to work with this and I'll post another draft.

Looking forward to any draft.

Thank you for your comments, this helps a lot.

No problems.

Music Lab is quiet...I'll post this here

Blinkk

Searching for dragons

Jack Oskar Larm

Just me and my guitar

Jack Oskar Larm

Just me and my guitar

Blinkk

Searching for dragons

Jack Oskar Larm

Just me and my guitar