The "T" Party.

You're probably right.

Sorry I took so long to come back. I've been very busy with an upcoming deadline on the art side of my tripod career - art, writing, writing about art. I have my Street Artist Program screening on October 27th - this coming Thursday at eleven in the morning. Then I have 15 days to pay all the fees and I'm good for three months, able to throw self and goodies in a cab, go down to Fisherman's Wharf at ouch in the morning, get in the lottery and maybe get a lucrative A spot.

I've been pushing myself to get ready for it. I'm running at the edge of my physical abilities and also keeping up daily art in October on my usual "Distract myself from Nanowrimo so I don't overplan it" plan.

Cliff Face, take transition at your own pace. The inner part of it is important, so important. Knowing yourself and deciding what to do one small step at a time is good for two things.

It gives you a sound basis to weather the very real attacks on your mind and soul that happen whenever you have to deal with anyone who knew you Before and anyone Ignorant. It also gives you the chance to break it to them slowly with plenty of subtle hints along the way. Subtly feminine hair is a beautiful start. Not mentioning it is another.

Got some good news to report. The glitch in my getting my Androgel was trivial - a routine thing I normally go through over the Tramadol anyway. It needed a prior authorization from my doctor. It had to be my regular GP. Walgreens faxed the doctor, the doctor filled out the form, faxed it back, lo and my prescription appeared within the same month he ordered it and has refills. It is now routine.

I'm keeping to the schedule my GP in Arkansas prescribed. An extra packet every five days. I was starting to get some real effects when he raised it to that level. I got new facial hair for the first time since I left Minnesota. I also got something else that was wonderful - my weight redistributed again, another level.

The texture of my facial skin changed. My features firmed up and I looked more like myself even when I shaved. I stayed about the same in weight but it redistributed to the point I had more of a belly and less of the thunder thighs. I was turning into an apple on a stick.

Tonight posting on the T thread, our own T party, let's not let the crazies on the right co-opt the term, I'm going through a lot of soul searching.

I've deleted my post about four times. I do this when I'm posting deep. I decide what to say and whether it's on topic, but I learn things from the stream of consciousness. This is enough. I am a guy and a science fiction writer. In coming out, I am changing who I am as profoundly as anyone at any stage of transition. Who I am is changing, still in chrysalis.

Good to hear things are going well for you, Robert.

And thanks for the thoughtful words. It's really appreciated.

Purr thanks. I'm so tired today. The past couple of days were very stressful. My in home support service assistant is phobic about roaches and she was so rattled that she was jumping all over the place. We got a lot done but it was stressful. Harry the manager came in and did something to bring down the number of roaches, but he's going to be keeping it up for two weeks every other day to completely wipe them out.

I have to get the mats cut for my street artist program screening on the 27th. That's this Thursday. I'm broke until November 1st, but at least I will be able to get Paratransit to get to the appointment. This is going to be painfully tight, but once I have my license I'll have the resources to be able to cover cash shortfalls for the business. I'll have the option of going out to sell art when I need to pay my editor a dollar a page or start a new website - after renewing the new one for a year.

News story here.

Good on everyone involved (eventually).

I just bought one of these coffee mugs, though the mug I have is in black and seems to have come from a different company. (Not sure which company - I got it in a store - but it doesn't have the Zazzle name anywhere on the packaging.)

I absolutely adore that design, and truth be told I'd love to dress like that fairy.

I mention this here because there's a 99.9% probability that mum (and maybe other family members) is going to comment on it when she sees it. I'm still not ready to come out as T, but I figure this is a nice subtle way of indicating my femininity.

It was absolutely terrifying convincing myself to buy it for this reason, actually. I've been eyeing off this designer mug (but in black) for a few weeks now, I've had the money for it (it was only $12.95 in the shop I got it from) but I've always held back because of the fact that I'm not an "out" T-girl. I always seem to censor my feminine side around people I know (especially family) to some degree.

But fuck it. It's going to come out eventually. (Come hell or high water, I'm going to transition one day.)

*acts all brave and stuff*

Subtlety for the win.

Yup, I've crossdressed for Halloween twice (though not this year).

One year, I was apparently convincing, because a girl asked my housemate of the time, "Who's the chick wearing black?"

I've never been brave enough to try it. Nor have I had the figure to poll it off.

Hi everybody, sorry I've taken so long to post here. I've been writing a lot more lately (which is good), and I've had a family problem that I didn't want to talk about for a while.

My brother basically turned out to be a pretty hardcore homophobe/transphobe and doesn't want to see or talk to me, and the feeling is mutual. Mom says that he claims he can't help it and he doesn't know why he's like that, and none of the rest of us know why he's like that either. But I'm tired of caring what he thinks, and severing this tie--for now, at least, but maybe forever--has really helped me go forward with a few things I was dragging my feet on.

On the bright side, I'm continuing to physically feminize and haven't had any bad experiences in public. The main thing I need to do now is lose more weight, but even without doing that, I pass for cisgender well enough to use public bathrooms without anyone saying anything. And my writing is going pretty well. I'm gonna try to add about 50,000 words to my latest novel over NaNoWriMo, and that'll nearly take care of the first draft.

robertsloan2:
It's good to have you here, and thanks for sharing all that with us. In particular, your thoughts on how intellectuals get de-sexed really helped me figure out something that had been bothering me about my self-image and comments others make. Basically, I'd been de-sexed for being a geek pre-transition, and was continuing to feel de-sexed for it afterwards, mostly by myself but also by others (sorta). And then I got some not-so-helpful clothing tips from a non-geek trans woman who went from being very stereotypically male to being very stereotypically female, and it really pissed me off, but I couldn't figure out why. But now I think I know what the whole issue is. So thanks for that.

Cliff Face:
Congrats on taking those steps. That stage of transition can be very nerve-wracking, but also incredibly rewarding, and I hope things work out for you.

Thanks Mara.

Sorry to hear about your brother. I'm pretty sure when I come out, my dad isn't going to want anything to do with me. I already know he's a big homophobe. Not sure where he stands on transpeople, but it's probably not good.

And my sister's like a less-extreme version of dad.

Oh, and congrats on getting to use the public bathrooms without fear! That's a huge step!

Haha I missed the Halloween crossdressing conversation.

This one is me as my old self: http://i.imgur.com/Gmj3Z.jpg

And here is me unable to hold my true self back: http://i.imgur.com/36uOW.jpg

For comparison this is a current one: http://i.imgur.com/C8rj2.jpg

My life is still very much closeted, apart from 3 things.

1. My hair is still growing. It's hot as hell here right now, but I haven't had the urge to cut my hair yet. I like how it's slowly feminising my semi-androgynous face too much to give in to the South Australian heat and have it cut. Maybe a trim, to tidy it up a bit, maybe add some style to it... Maybe not. We'll see.

2. I'm still using women's deoderant. I love the scents, whereas male deoderants smell crap to my nose. (No offense to anyone who likes male deoderant - to each their own.) Anyway, I finished off one can the other day, and had to buy more. This time, I didn't feel conspicuous in the pharmacy-type place while looking at the female products, and when I paid for my 2 cans I didn't feel silly or obvious or nervous or anything. It all seemed more normal than most of my life ever has been.

3. I have a bag full of women's clothes in my closet. I refuse to throw it all away, even though I don't cross dress right now, because I paid good money for those clothes years ago, and someday I'm going to wear them again. The bag is visible in my built-in wardrobe, though the bag itself conceals the contents.

Previously the contents of the bag were in various parts of my room, kind of scattered, but when I did some spring-cleaning, they all got moved into one central location. It's like a beacon for my mind when I'm feeling down, now.

Anyway, just thought I'd share. I think I'm proceeding in a suitable manner, something that works for ME right NOW. In the past I went from "dude" to "trans girl" overnight sort of thing, and maybe pushed past my own comfort limits. Not this time... This time I'm letting myself adjust slowly. I'm trying to remove the urgency from the situation, so that I don't get depressed over my other life circumstances holding me back...

At least, that's how I'm TRYING to look at things. It doesn't always work that way, unfortunately.

So, I've seen the perfect little black dress last week, but forgot to mention it.

It's a very sheer fabric, a little shiny, immaculate shape... However yesterday I noticed it wasn't in the window of the store anymore. It probably wasn't my size in any event (it looked like a female medium, and I'm in between male medium and large) and it would've been without question the most expensive piece of female clothing I'd ever bought if I had got it...

But it was so gorgeous!

And then today, I realised I'm getting more comfortable with openly perusing women's fashions. I was waiting for mum outside the toilets at the shops, and there was this semi-upscale women's fashion boutique next door. I noticed some nice dresses, and had a bit of a browse while I waited.

The woman working there didn't seem too friendly to the fact that I was in there (I suppose the only guys that ever go in that shop are trailing behind their female partners...) but whatever. I felt, for the first time, like I had every right to look over the female wares for my own personal use.

Small steps, but steps nonetheless.

I still haven't been able to find any mini-skirts in my tentative browsing. I covet the mini skirt.

Cliff Face said:

The woman working there didn't seem too friendly to the fact that I was in there (I suppose the only guys that ever go in that shop are trailing behind their female partners...) but whatever. I felt, for the first time, like I had every right to look over the female wares for my own personal use.

Small steps, but steps nonetheless.

Click to expand...

This is awesome.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling so confident already. It took me a lot of getting used to before I would go shopping alone.

I dove right in to full time life the day I decided. I still don't quite pass, and if I wear something like a tshirt, I don't pass at all. Dresses are right out for me. I just don't have the shape for it and it makes me feel awkward rather than attractive.

Yeah, I don't really have the body for most of the stuff I want to wear... I just want to wear them because they look so damn cute and sexy!

And hey, one day I might have the body for them.

I'm going to a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony/meeting today. It's my first real trans group meeting. (I met a couple people from a different trans group last week, along with a bunch of other people, but that was mostly just eating and hanging out.)

I'm excited! The only thing that bothers me is the hour and a half drive on not-great roads to get there (and back). Wish me luck.

Speaking of Trans Day of Remembrance, this is me speaking to my college's GSA

Mara said:

I'm going to a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony/meeting today. It's my first real trans group meeting. (I met a couple people from a different trans group last week, along with a bunch of other people, but that was mostly just eating and hanging out.)

I'm excited! The only thing that bothers me is the hour and a half drive on not-great roads to get there (and back). Wish me luck.

Click to expand...

Good luck.

I now have another gothic fairy coffee mug to make my collection grow to 2.

She's so beautiful! The gothic manner of her clothes and hair is something I aspire to (or would if I was comfortable enough in my own body).

I thought I'd mention it here simply because, whereas the first mug was a gothic fairy with a guitar, this one has no guitar. Why should this matter here?

Because the one with the guitar I could at least fall back on the excuse, "Yeah, but I like guitars." Not so with this new one - it's entirely a feminine choice of mine to have bought it.

Small steps still.

Hang on, I'll try to find a picture of this mug on the internet.

I couldn't find a picture of this art on a mug, but if you click "Larger Image" you can get a good look at my new beauteous one.

Here you go.