Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

I quite like yours, Mr Frankenstein--it's intriguing. But I think it could be more concise. Also, all three sentences have pretty much the same feel in terms of length and structure. You might want to mix those up a bit more.

MrFrankenstein said:

My younger sister Alice has never been quite the same since the death of the baby. She rigged up a makeshift altar in the cellar, dedicated to our dead sibling. She thought no one knew about it, but Vincent saw her carrying in a piece of lumber from the beach.

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1) who is the MC, the protag or Alice? You're starting a story talking about Alice. Great if it's her story. Debatable if it's the protag's.

2) I'd delete "quite." It reduces the strength and effort of the entire sentence. I suppose you'd want something strong to open your story, wouldn't you?

3) "The" baby--whose baby? I suppose "dead sibling" explains, but I guess it's more beneficial to explain when the baby's first introduced.

4) She "thought" implies pov but isn't the story's told in first person perspective?

5) To me, the most gripping line is the "makeshift altar" line, which I envision is how the mystery's going to be unfolded around. But I think you've introduced too many characters in such a short passage at the very opening. (I still don't know who Vincent is and why is he important.)

Well....here goes (gulp)

“The day I decided it was time, really time to dump the dehydrated bag of cat poo that my darling ex-wife had become was the day I looked up at her across the polished surface of my Mother’s Governor Winthrop desk and noticed that she had more chins than a Hong Kong phone book…”
“You rotten son of a bitch!” I muttered, glaring at the red and black screen of my laptop, “I divorced YOUR ass, not the other way around.” Surreptitiously, I felt my neck. “And I only have ONE chin, you bag of fart gas!”
In case it isn't obvious from the get go, this one has humor laced throughout. She is reading her ex-husband's blog, which has gone viral, with hundreds of thousands of hits.

MrFrankenstein said:

My younger sister Alice has never been quite the same since the death of the baby. She rigged up a makeshift altar in the cellar, dedicated to our dead sibling. She thought no one knew about it, but Vincent saw her carrying in a piece of lumber from the beach.

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If it doesn't mess up the story too much, how about cutting out that first line and not telling us what the altar is for until later on? Something along the lines of: "Alice has finally lost it. She thought her altar was a secret, but Vincent saw her the other night, hauling a piece of lumber down to the cellar."

If the reader doesn't know what the altar is for, it will pique their interest! I already love the concept, by the way.

William K Elliott said:

Playing around with a new opening...

Enrique Moltke awoke to the sharp tapping sound of metal hitting metal. As fear burned off the clouds of sleep, the figure of a man standing at the foot of his bed came into focus. The man, dressed in a purple sweatshirt and black jeans, tapped a metal bar against the wrought iron frame of Enrique’s bed.

Bill

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Waking-up openings are such a cliche that I would suggest starting with the third sentence, or a variation on it.

victoriajakes said:

On that brisk Boston evening, Emily Price killed and died and killed again.

First, the priest. Righteous, obscene, cold and bloodied on the living room floor.

Then her own skull, giving way to the blunt force of a VCR.

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OK, that's a grabber.

Russ Mars said:

As if this dead horse hasn't been beaten enough, perhaps you meant earthen (with an 'e', not an 'a'), a perfectly acceptable, useful word, as in an earthen bowl or earthen pot--made of earth --clay, stone, sand, mud, etc. However, unless you mean that his wristwatch is made of dirt, try man-made marvel, or Earth-made marvel, or human marvel. I sure understand what you are trying to say, but you may want to drag out (gasp) a dictionary or thesaurus and find the right word. You could even say, "...a marvel made on Earth..." It doesn't have to be phrased as is.

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I may be the only one who read it this way, but Earthan strikes me as term used either 1) for something that came from Earth a very long time ago, so long that no one remembers much about old Earth; or 2) as an alien term for something that comes from Earth, a far away place few have visited.

I.e., it kind of has that exotic, futuristic, scifi feel to it.

heichan said:

Here's mine.

The Buddhist temple was quiet save for the gentle sound of water slapping against stone. A weathered old local, his back bent and skin tanned from long years of hard outdoor labour, was using a wooden ladle to throw water onto a tall statue of a man surrounded by flames. The figure's entire body was engulfed in a soft thick green moss and, through the daily throwing ritual, was continuously fed from the large rounded basin set before it.

Does it make you want to continue?

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It sounds more like the beginning of a documentary or a travelogue than a novel.

Start with a character who matters to the story. If that's the old man, then get inside his head and tell the story from his perspective.

MrFrankenstein said:

My younger sister Alice has never been quite the same since the death of the baby. She rigged up a makeshift altar in the cellar, dedicated to our dead sibling. She thought no one knew about it, but Vincent saw her carrying in a piece of lumber from the beach.

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Grim but intriguing.

I would suggest dropping "quite." It doesn't add anything except an extra word. And why doesn't the baby have a name? The narrator speaks of it as if it's a stranger.

BethS said:

OK, that's a grabber.

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Thank you! I've been through much grief getting it there.

The opening lines of 'The Inheritance'


It didn't take Sam Harman more than a minute to decide that being fired sucked.
As the security guard escorted him to the front door Sam did his best to ignore the stares. He didn't blame people for looking surprised.

Robert Gonko said:

The opening lines of 'The Inheritance'


It didn't take Sam Harman more than a minute to decide that being fired sucked.
As the security guard escorted him to the front door Sam did his best to ignore the stares. He didn't blame people for looking surprised.

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I like this one! For a moment there I thought you were quoting Eragon as an example and I wondered, because I didn't expect it to be this light-funny to read. I love this style.


This thread made me think. First 3 sentences. I have a short intro that I will omit here, because it's not even a prologue, just a snippetty something, but in the first chapter, maybe I've made the beginning paragraph too long?

Only by the fourth sentence something changes...


(1) He used to tell her fairytales.

(2) They spent little time in cities or villages, because the world had turned its back on her for reasons unknown, yet Jaéll didn’t; he was there with her when she needed him the most.

(3) They would sit by the campfire: her – warming her hands around the pleasant flames, him – gazing at the flames longingly, yet never stepping close enough to feel their sweet warmth.

(4) “Forget-me-not, why won’t you look at me? I – have not laid a finger on you,” Fahain’s voice was coarse and deep, with each word she twitched and scrambled away, seeking shelter under the tree.

BethS said:

Waking-up openings are such a cliche that I would suggest starting with the third sentence, or a variation on it.

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You just had to be right, didn't you!

And so, here is the new version:

The sharp pinch of the needle was followed by the warm, comfortable feeling of the A-Bomb now making its way through Enrique Moltke’s veins. He fell back into his seat, barely conscious. The needle, still sticking in his arm, began to pulse and undulate with every beat of Enrique’s heart.

Bill

William K Elliott said:

You just had to be right, didn't you!

And so, here is the new version:

The sharp pinch of the needle was followed by the warm, comfortable feeling of the A-Bomb now making its way through Enrique Moltke’s veins. He fell back into his seat, barely conscious. The needle, still sticking in his arm, began to pulse and undulate with every beat of Enrique’s heart.

Bill

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This is better. Change that last use of his name to "his." You don't need to keep using his name.

Also -- consider adding an opening sentence that lets us see Enrique before we see the needle.

Something I just started and probably won't touch again until I finish my main WIP. Don't ask me what genre. Where it lands is still pretty open. I only have 5 sentences. Here are the first 3.

My husband’s therapist told him to write me a letter. I’m not sure what he wrote was exactly what the therapist had in mind. Call me crazy.

“Dammit!” A paint brush crashes onto the floor, splattering paint, the artist, never satisfied, shakes her head, crowned with fire-engine red locks, and stomps off to the kitchen. Slamming the refrigerator door, she stomps back into the room sipping a soda. Her lower lip jutting out in a pouting manner.

I still think this feels "heavy" not sure how to make it "feel" better.

Well My WIP has a prologue and the first 3 sentances is
The cool yet eerie mountain wind blew through the nearly dead trees in a silent forest. Deep within the forest, an abandoned mansion stood. It was most likely a three hour walk from any town or city.

The prologue is very important to the story so I always count it as the first chapter though if I showed the first 3 sentences of chapter 1 it would be:

Gilbert, Jessica, Isabella and Mary stood in front of the old abandoned mansion, a small pond with crystal clear water and absolutely no fish in it was to the left of them, a row of dead leafless trees was around them, and several piles of busted up rocks were scattered about. The dirt driveway leads all the way up to the double wood front doors. The windows were all nailed shut or metal bars covered it. There appeared to be four floors to the home, and only one way in or out.

Midian said:

Something I just started and probably won't touch again until I finish my main WIP. Don't ask me what genre. Where it lands is still pretty open. I only have 5 sentences. Here are the first 3.

My husband’s therapist told him to write me a letter. I’m not sure what he wrote was exactly what the therapist had in mind. Call me crazy.

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You had me at the second sentence. But I'm not sure how the third sentence follows that. It feels like a disconnect. Maybe it works better in context?

BethS said:

You had me at the second sentence. But I'm not sure how the third sentence follows that. It feels like a disconnect. Maybe it works better in context?

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I dunno. Maybe not. Since you're wondering, here are the only other two sentences I have.

My husband’s therapist told him to write me a letter. I’m not sure if what he wrote was exactly what the therapist had in mind. Call me crazy.

He says he was trying to tell me how he felt. What I got was a two page list of all my wrongs. On letterhead, even. (<---Hey, now I have a 6th sentence! )

Melanie Dawn said:

“Dammit!” A paint brush crashes onto the floor, splattering paint, the artist, never satisfied, shakes her head, crowned with fire-engine red locks, and stomps off to the kitchen. Slamming the refrigerator door, she stomps back into the room sipping a soda. Her lower lip jutting out in a pouting manner.

I still think this feels "heavy" not sure how to make it "feel" better.

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You've got a run-on sentence and an unintentional sentence fragment and a physical impossibility.

If I may fiddle with it a little?

A paint brush crashes to the floor, splattering paint.

Dammit!” The artist shakes her fire-engine red locks and stomps off to the kitchen. A moment later, she stomps back, sipping a soda. Her lower lip juts out in a pouting manner.

OK, that fixes the grammar and punctuation issues, and smooths it out some. I made the assumption that she says "Dammit" in response to dropping the brush, which is why I changed the order of sentences there, but it's possible she might have said "Dammit" about something else, which in turn caused her to drop the brush. In that case, "Dammit" should be first, but then that raises the issue of what caused her to say it and that's not shown.

In terms of the subject matter, I don't know why the first few sentences need to describe a pissed-off woman fetching a soda from the kitchen. I could be wrong, but this strikes me as really insignifcant action. A story should start with A and go to B and C, not start with A (assuming the fallen paint brush is A) and wander off to somewhere backstage before returning to pick up the dropped thread of the story.

Midian said:

I dunno. Maybe not. Since you're wondering, here are the only other two sentences I have.

My husband’s therapist told him to write me a letter. I’m not sure if what he wrote was exactly what the therapist had in mind. Call me crazy.

He says he was trying to tell me how he felt. What I got was a two page list of all my wrongs. On letterhead, even. (<---Hey, now I have a 6th sentence! )

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IMO, "Call me crazy" doesn't add anything. I'd go straight to the next sentence.

I like the letterhead touch.

BethS said:

IMO, "Call me crazy" doesn't add anything. I'd go straight to the next sentence.

I like the letterhead touch.

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Ha! And with that, I'm back to five.

Midian said:

My husband’s therapist told him to write me a letter. I’m not sure what he wrote was exactly what the therapist had in mind. Call me crazy.

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My bigger issue is actually the first sentence. It seems the letter is what matters. But the opening line says the therapist told hubby to write:

a) how do "I" know who told hubby to write? Is it in the letter?
b) Is the "told to write" bigger than what's in the letter?

I like the 3rd sentence though ^_^

BethS said:

You've got a run-on sentence and an unintentional sentence fragment and a physical impossibility.

If I may fiddle with it a little?

A paint brush crashes to the floor, splattering paint.

Dammit!” The artist shakes her fire-engine red locks and stomps off to the kitchen. A moment later, she stomps back, sipping a soda. Her lower lip juts out in a pouting manner.

OK, that fixes the grammar and punctuation issues, and smooths it out some. I made the assumption that she says "Dammit" in response to dropping the brush, which is why I changed the order of sentences there, but it's possible she might have said "Dammit" about something else, which in turn caused her to drop the brush. In that case, "Dammit" should be first, but then that raises the issue of what caused her to say it and that's not shown.

In terms of the subject matter, I don't know why the first few sentences need to describe a pissed-off woman fetching a soda from the kitchen. I could be wrong, but this strikes me as really insignifcant action. A story should start with A and go to B and C, not start with A (assuming the fallen paint brush is A) and wander off to somewhere backstage before returning to pick up the dropped thread of the story.

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Actually no, the dammit is her being displeased with her progress on her current painting. and she throws it to the floor- she has a bit of a temper.

Melanie Dawn said:

“Dammit!” A paint brush crashes onto the floor, splattering paint, the artist, never satisfied, shakes her head, crowned with fire-engine red locks, and stomps off to the kitchen. Slamming the refrigerator door, she stomps back into the room sipping a soda. Her lower lip jutting out in a pouting manner.

I still think this feels "heavy" not sure how to make it "feel" better.

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Red: run on sentence. Needs a period after paint.

Green: can't do both at the same time.

Also, watch the repetition. And the last sentence is a fragment. Fragments are fine when they have a purpose. This one doesn't really seem to have one. She also can't sip a soda and pout at the same time.

But for me, I would like to see you lose the distance. It's so far removed and formal. Think into your own thoughts and ask yourself if you would ever use those words to describe something in real life. If the answer is yes, when and how? Under what circumstances would you speak that way? Is this a similar circumstances? If the answer is no, what made you choose to do it here?

HTH.