Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

Sorted, I think. Sunk is more of a UK term I guess. But it wasn't meant to be taken literally. Just an example to try and show what I meant. Anyhow:

The manor, situated on a hill and backing onto the sea (subsitute 'backing onto the sea' with 'the sea behind it' if necessary), loomed ahead of Robert. Abandoned for over a century, it stood like a relic. And viewed from the village, he only just realised he owned it all.

Something like that anyway. I'll try to refine it a bit more, but I don't think that should leave anything unclear anymore anyway.

And I'll still try to find a subsitute for loomed.

DavidGil said:

Sunk is more of a UK term I guess. But it wasn't meant to be taken literally.

Click to expand...

I don't know whether the phrase 'to sink in', meaning a piece of information gradually being accepted or realised, is a UK idiom or not. However, your use of it was grammatically incorrect:

DavidGil said:

And viewed from the village, it only just sunk in that he now owned it all.

Click to expand...

I think you're missing the word 'had' from that sentence, as you're clearly using it to describe a completed action in the past, so you need the pluperfect, i.e. it had sunk. Otherwise it would be simple past tense: 'it sank'.

In general though, I think you're probably rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic. Putting the words in a different order or trying to clarify your meaning doesn't change the fact that the opening is bland. I'd start with your MC, rather than the house. What's he doing? If he's looking at the house, why is that interesting or significant? If it isn't, then you've started in the wrong place.

DavidGil said:

And viewed from the village, he only just realised he owned it all.

Click to expand...

This has been bugging me since I posted earlier and now I realise why. What's being viewed from the village is Robert, not the manor.

And, viewing it from the village, he only now understood he owned it all.

Buffysquirrel said:

I feel a little wary about commenting on these lines when you've only just started your novel. And you're new here? Sometimes it's better to complete your work before throwing it out there for critique.

I found this a solid start, but it's a bit wordy and there's distance between the reader and Martha because you're telling rather than showing. I suspect most of the problems with it you'll fix when you do your first-pass edit. So keep writing and don't worry too much about getting feedback at this early stage.

I do like the setup, though, with the tension between Martha and the 'self-righteous'. Makes me wonder if she's done all this religious stuff by choice, and, if not, then why she has been doing it.

Click to expand...

Thanks for taking the time to comment! I actually didn't think this was a critique thread, I thought it was just a "look what I've done" kind of thing. I've not really earned my stripes yet, so I am grateful to have feedback. You're right, I'm telling, and it's very early on.

Thanks again!

Maybe you need to stop working on this for a while and come back to it when time has passed.

Click to expand...

This for now. I'm getting too stuck in my head and I think some time from editing might do it some good.

And what the heck is a snickerdoodle?

Click to expand...

It's a type of sugar cookie that is rolled in cinnamon before baking.

Modrick arced his short sword downward, the dull edge embedding into the neck of the demon. The demon collapsed, hissing, in a pool of steaming black blood, its three pairs of legs tangled up and twitching. He spared it one last disgusted glance before continuing on.

Click to expand...

I like the imagery- I am definitely interested in what happens.
This version is much tighter, but I don't think the last sentence does anything. It's too much of a let down after the first two. JMHO

The start of my current WIP:



Birds chirped, the sun spilled happiness through the land, hope filled the air, and Hannah was not in the mood. She rang the doorbell of her customer’s house, hoping the woman wouldn’t be as terrible in person as she was on the phone. After a pause and some muffled cursing, the door swung open to reveal a woman with a scowl sealed onto her face. Hannah sighed. It was going to be another wonderful morning.

DavidGil said:

The manor, situated on a hill with the sea behind it as a backdrop, appeared ahead on the horizon; now only a shadow of it's former glory...

Click to expand...

this flows better I think, yeah I'll be thinking about this all afternoon now

Buffysquirrel said:

I confess, my immediate reaction was, what, s/he's been doing this for sixty-odd years and s/he's never found a pearl? Then I realised we'd moved into metaphor territory without warning. For me, that definitely did not work; after all the literal references to pearls, I wasn't expecting to take the next reference anything but literally.

I think it's interesting but a bit overwritten. Trimming it could give it more impact--less can be more.

...after a lifetime of skimming the rocky beds, a lifetime of dragging in the heavy nets, of cracking open the tender lips...

Click to expand...

I am 100% in agreement with this statement. It's very wordy, and the whole thing just packs TOO much metaphor in. If it had been in the center of a scene, so that we had more to work off of, it might have worked better. However, the way you've got us stepping right in on it really just confuses the reader.

---

KoryDTS said:

The start of my current WIP:



Birds chirped, the sun spilled happiness through the land, hope filled the air, and Hannah was not in the mood. She rang the doorbell of her customer’s house, hoping the woman wouldn’t be as terrible in person as she was on the phone. After a pause and some muffled cursing, the door swung open to reveal a woman with a scowl sealed onto her face. Hannah sighed. It was going to be another wonderful morning.

Click to expand...

I feel like the first sentence is wayy too wordy and forced. I get what you are trying to do, but I almost get lost in all the listing. Maybe dice it up a little?

milkweed said:

this flows better

Click to expand...

Many thanks.

DavidGil said:

Many thanks.

Click to expand...

well before you thank me, I changed twice now it so go back and read it again. I suck royally at commas and semi colons so maybe someone else can chime in on my usage of the semi colon.

Your last sentence I didn't quite understand but the first two, when I rearranged them, made me want to see the house.

milkweed said:

well before you thank me, I changed twice now it so go back and read it again. I suck royally at commas and semi colons so maybe someone else can chime in on my usage of the semi colon.

Your last sentence I didn't quite understand but the first two, when I rearranged them, made me want to see the house.

Click to expand...

With a few minor changes to your first suggestion and it works well:

The manor, situated on a hill and with the sea behind it, appeared ahead. (I'm tempted to add in 'could be seen ahead' though, rather than 'appeared ahead' even though it's not as tight. I'm happy it gets rid of loomed.)

Your description's good as well, but I'm not really a descriptive writer I'm afraid. Not much padding in my writing, with being mostly plot and character driven. I think I've been writing too many short stories too, as I'm on my 4th chapter and I'm 2,924 words in. (You see what I mean about padding? )

Probably explains why I ran into trouble here, with description not being something I'm good at.

Cue entry into YA dystopian novel...

The most important thing to remember is that even though they can take what you love, even though they can take who you love, they can never take the love that you feel. What you feel is yours, and yours alone, and it can never be taken from you, no matter how hard they try.

This has become my mantra over the past several months, although it goes against everything I’ve ever been taught.

DavidGil said:

One minor change to your first suggestion and it works well:

The manor, situated on a hill and with the sea behind it, appeared ahead. (I'm tempted to add in 'could be seen ahead' though, rather than 'appeared ahead' even though it's not as tight. I'm happy it gets rid of loomed.)

Your description's good as well, but I'm not really a descriptive writer I'm afraid. Not much padding in my writing, with being mostly plot and character driven. I think I've been writing too many short stories too, as I'm on my 4th chapter and I'm 2,924 words in. (You see what I mean about padding? )

Probably explains why I ran into trouble here, with description not being something I'm good at.

Click to expand...

you could say it either way, though "appeared ahead" seems more action packed. What genre are you writing? Just curious. I'm writing my first SciFi novel and dang if I'm not an action writer who knew!!! My FMC is killing things and people in the opening paragraphs. Up until this year I've only written non-fiction how-to books, so don't give up!

K-

milkweed said:

you could say it either way, though "appeared ahead" seems more action packed. What genre are you writing? Just curious. I'm writing my first SciFi novel and dang if I'm not an action writer who knew!!! My FMC is killing things and people in the opening paragraphs. Up until this year I've only written non-fiction how-to books, so don't give up!

K-

Click to expand...

Starts out more of an odd mystery, with unravelling the history of the manor/village and dealing with Robert's problems, which is why I'm not too concerned with hooking in the very first sentence. Left it for the fifth sentence to state he has problems. I'm slow, I know!

But then it'll devolve into a horror story when the mystery is unravelled. So, I guess that's the real genre.

And believe me, this isn't my first dance with writing. I can do short stories well that are character/world issue driven to get the reader feeling . . . It's just longer stories I'm new to, alongside mysteries/horror. Still a rough draft too as I'm nowhere near finished, though I must admit, I was rather happy with those 3 sentences after editing. Or else I wouldn't have posted.

Shows we're not always a good judge of our own work too, as the saying goes.

Good luck with your novel.

Edit: Annnd... sorted. I think.

Robert could see the manor, situated on a hill and with the sea behind it, from the village cafe. Abandoned for over a century, it stood a relic. He only just realised that it was all his now. (Still not perfect and I'm not happy with the writing, but it's in much better shape now in terms of it making sense. And please, don't waste anymore time on critiquing this. I'll work it out. Help others. Just wanted to show that the feedback was not wasted.)

DavidGil said:

Shows we're not always a good judge of our own work too, as the saying goes.

Click to expand...

Mine is somewhere around page 165, go read it and have a good chuckle!

milkweed said:

Mine is somewhere around page 165, go read it and have a good chuckle!

Click to expand...

Done.

Some thoughts. Hope they help.

milkweed said:

The wind was brusque with a strange like chill,.tThe temperature had already reached 103 Fahrenheit and it was only nine in the morning, making her wonder what it would be like atcome noon. Laundry needed to be taken off ofremoved from the line and ironed. The tinysmall kitchen was hot; itsthe tiny northern window provided no relief from the summer heat. So much for the global ice age that had engulfed most of the planet, the incessant heat defied all logic.

Click to expand...

Probably not a perfect edit either, but it should be better.

Oh and where I suggested 'at', it's a very minor nitpick. Feel free to discard.

AshNic said:

Thanks for the tips. I didn't even notice the alliteration, aha. >_>;; I've edited it up and I'll be rewording it a bit to make it more clear with the weapon and with less alliteration.

Maybe something like:

Modrick arced his short sword downward, the dull edge embedding into the neck of the demon. The demon collapsed, hissing, in a pool of steaming black blood, its three pairs of legs tangled up and twitching. He spared it one last disgusted glance before continuing on.

Thanks again for the help. I have a feeling I'll need to comb through the prologue after I'm done.

Click to expand...

Oh dear. You edited out the sentence about the sword being rusty and dull.

IMO, that was the most interesting and most important sentence of the first three. Reason being, it raised the question of why Modrick would be using a rusty, dull blade. The answer to that should tell us something about him and maybe the story. It was that sentence that made me want to read more.

In your current version (above) you do mention that the sword is dull, but it's one word in a line of action and the reader will likely never notice. The way you had it before--set off in its own sentence--showed good instincts on your part.

That is, of course, assuming that you do intend, at some point, to explain why Modrick has not polished and sharpened his sword.

BethS, oh dear, haha. That's the problem. A lot of what is said here can make my writing objectively better, but a lot of it can also be simple preference. Another poster said that sentence should be taken out. I liked it myself, but while still leaving the fact that the sword he's using is a dull one. Then later on in the next paragraph I mention the MC had just started sword training, and later on when he's talking to his father he whines about his sword mentor not giving him a proper sword.

Buffysquirrel said:

Telling us the sword is blunt and rusty slows down the action. Also, since it doesn't actually interfere with Modrick's goal, it's pretty much irrelevant.

Click to expand...

Well, at least we balance each other out. (See my post about that line.) Hopefully we don't cancel each other out...

DavidGil said:

The manor, situated on a hill and backing onto the sea (subsitute 'backing onto the sea' with 'the sea behind it' if necessary), loomed ahead of Robert. Abandoned for over a century, it stood like a relic. And viewed from the village, he only just realised he owned it all.

Click to expand...

I don't normally rewrite for people because it feels disrespectful, but you seemed to be struggling , so here is an example of something you could do with it. I'm sure you could come up with something better, but fwiw--

The manor loomed on its hilltop, its back against the sea, a crumbling relic from the last century. Every last, decrepit stone belonged to Roger, a fact he had only just realised.

BethS said:

I don't normally rewrite for people because it feels disrespectful, but you seemed to be struggling , so here is an example of something you could do with it. I'm sure you could come up with something better, but fwiw--

The manor loomed on its hilltop, its back against the sea, a crumbling relic from the last century. Every last, decrepit stone belonged to Roger, a fact he had only just realised.

Click to expand...

Many thanks. Now that helps.

I'm not a descriptive writer, so I'll mostly look at the technical side of your example, but that's given me a really good starting point. I really don't know why those three sentences have given me so much trouble. They shouldn't have. I'm more annoyed at myself for being relatively happy with it when it needed a fair bit of work on the technical side of things. I just didn't think that it wouldn't make sense, so I was scrambling to try and rework it, technically speaking. Too close to my own work, I guess.

PamelaC said:

I actually didn't think this was a critique thread, I thought it was just a "look what I've done" kind of thing.

Click to expand...

I don't think it started out as a critique thread. I think it's evolved .

BethS said:

I don't normally rewrite for people because it feels disrespectful, but you seemed to be struggling , so here is an example of something you could do with it. I'm sure you could come up with something better, but fwiw--

The manor loomed on its hilltop, its back against the sea, a crumbling relic from the last century. Every last, decrepit stone belonged to Roger, a fact he had only just realised.

Click to expand...

WOW!!! Yeah I really want to read that story now!!! I so love this thread!


Milkweed the abuser of the comma AND the exclamation point!

milkweed said:

WOW!!! Yeah I really want to read that story now!!! I so love this thread!


Milkweed the abuser of the comma AND the exclamation point!

Click to expand...

On second thought, I'm totally going to use your example word for word, Beth. I jest!

Edit: So using your example, what I have (written to maintain my style):

The manor loomed ahead, its back against the sea, a relic of the last century. Robert had only just realised it belonged to him.

(Probably nowhere near as good as yours, but I don't want to nick the example you gave and I want to keep it consistent with my style, so I just tried to look at how you broke the 'parts' up via grammar use. It'll do for now anyway, as I'm nowhere near finished with the rough draft. Now I just need to find a way of slipping the village cafe that he's stood outside of in at a later date. The rest of the chapter, after the opening paragraph, takes place in there and it's when it becomes clear that the village is odd. So it's kinda necessary I fit that in. Anyway, I'll work it out! Thanks again!)