Help Required

Peter Kenson · Nov 27, 2014

While I am (IMHO) capable of writing a good story, I appear to be particularly inept at producing a description/synopsis of said novel that would attract people to buy/read it. Possibly I'm too close to the subject or possibly it's sheer incompetence.
I would be happy to offer a free copy of the book in return for a review and/or suggestions on how to improve the sales pitch.
Cover blurb as it stands:
A psychic blast of grief reverberated throughout the empire and for the few seconds it lasted, the universe was a sad place. The source was tracked to a small backwater planet where the infant heir of the Ystrad, a highly telepathic race, fled when their homeworld was attacked. Desperate to prevent the recurrence of a brutal war between the Ystrad and their old enemies, the Belsi, Imperial agents are sent to find and protect the missing heir. However, their search is constrained by the need to avoid leaking hi-tech knowledge into a pre-industrial society.
The search is further complicated by conflicts among the inhabitants of the crash-world. The Lyenar have been thrown out of their ancestral home and become a race of wandering merchants. Jeren, the heir to the Lyenar throne, unites his people on the death of his father, in a bid to recapture their ancient city of Marmoros. His plans for conquest are both helped and hindered by off-world agents seeking the Ystrad heir.
As the Fates draw the life threads of the two heirs ever closer, can the race to find the one, help to fulfill the ambitions of the other?

If anyone has the time to help me on this one, please PM me with the format you would like to receive the book.

Mr Flibble · Nov 27, 2014

OK

I'll bite (but I'll note you want SYW query hell)

One, start with a character. Starting with the world gives me a bit of background but what I want is to know who I am going to be travelling through this landscape with, and why I should care about them

Query equation (works for blurbs too but is not an end all. It's starting point) :

Character A is this kind of person and wants B. C is preventing him.

D happens to cock everything up for A

Then A must chose Xor Y , or ZOMG wil happen! (ie you show that stakes -- Frodo must destroy the ring or else Middle Earth is DOOMED!)

Your blurb here gives me no one really to latch onto. you know? And people read for story, but character is what brings them to the story, how they invest in it
oO start with your character (s)

Peter Kenson · Nov 28, 2014

Mr Flibble said:
OK
I'll bite (but I'll note you want SYW query hell)
One, start with a character. Starting with the world gives me a bit of background but what I want is to know who I am going to be travelling through this landscape with, and why I should care about them
Query equation (works for blurbs too but is not an end all. It's starting point) :
Character A is this kind of person and wants B. C is preventing him.
D happens to cock everything up for A
Then A must chose Xor Y , or ZOMG wil happen! (ie you show that stakes -- Frodo must destroy the ring or else Middle Earth is DOOMED!)
Your blurb here gives me no one really to latch onto. you know? And people read for story, but character is what brings them to the story, how they invest in it
oO start with your character (s)

Thanks for that Mr F. I see what you're saying and I can certainly go some way down that road.
Jeren is one of the MCs and indeed is one of the Heirs from the title. The identity of the other heir, however, does not become clear until chapter twenty something so I can't use that name in the blurb.
So the story is about the struggle(s) of Jeren to unite his people, reclaim their ancient birthright etc etc, interwoven with the search for this other heir by off-world agents pursuing their own agendas and aiding and abetting Jeren in the process.
This sounds like the bare bones or a much better blurb already. Thank you very much for making me rethink it.

Osulagh · Nov 28, 2014

First, help is wanted, not required. Saying you wish for help by telling others you require it sounds like you're entitled to it. Which you're not. Required, help is not.

Pretty much what Mr Fibble said. What you have written now sounds more like a ton of backstory and general overview stuff rather than the character's stories.

As far as I can see, this might be the start of your blurb:

Jeren, the heir to the Lyenar throne, unites his people on the death of his father, in a bid to recapture their ancient city of Marmoros. His plans for conquest are both helped and hindered by off-world agents seeking the Ystrad heir.

As the Fates draw the life threads of the two heirs ever closer, can the race to find the one, help to fulfill the ambitions of the other?

Don't give the reader a history lesson, don't give them a summary of everything. Give them a short version of the basic plot and happenings for the opening of the story (what is written inside) to pique their interests.

Peter Kenson · Nov 29, 2014

Osulagh said:
First, help is wanted, not required. Saying you wish for help by telling others you require it sounds like you're entitled to it. Which you're not. Required, help is not.

Okay, point taken. Clumsy.

But thank you for the help regardless.

Sage · Nov 29, 2014

Have you been to SYW yet? That, by the way, is the proper place to ask for help on a query or book blurb.

The critters in QLH are great at helping you figure out how to pitch your book without ever reading it. Critiquing other queries and blurbs will help you figure out what works and what doesn't.

Once! · Nov 29, 2014

Quick feedback ... don't need a copy, thanks.

Mr Flibble is exactly right - we need characters put in difficult situations. The reader wants to empathise with someone - to imagine what they would do in their place.

Much of this reads like a history lesson. And it's a pretty complicated history lesson at this. We've got a telepathic grief thing, a race of telepaths, an infant heir, a war, imperial agents, the Ystrad, Belsi ... too much!

You're trying to sell me a cheesecake by reading out all every last ingredient. I don't need to know, don't want to know.

I'm afraid the opening didn't grab me. The psychic blast of grief made people sad for a few seconds. None of us like to feel blue, but that doesn't register on the OMG scale like a death star blowing up a planet. Why do I need to worry? A few seconds of not feeling very happy.

Maybe it's just me, but I started to get red lights with the first few words: "A psychic blast of grief reverberates..." My purple prose detector is on full alert at this point. What exactly is a psychic blast of grief? How exactly does a blast of psychic grief reverberate?

I pulled a scifi book from my bookshelves - the Player of Games, by Iain M. Banks. This is the blurb:

The Culture - a human/machine symbiotic society - has thrown up many great Game Players, and one of the greatest is Gurgeh. Jernau Morat Gurgeh. The Player of Games. Master of every board, computer and strategy.

Bored with success. Gurgeh travels to the Empire of Azad, cruel and incredibly wealthy, to try their fabulous game ... a game so complex, so like life itself, that the winner becomes emperor. Mocked, blackmailed, almost murdered, Gurgeh accepts the game, and with it the challenge of his life - and very possibly his death.

Now that's a blurb! It keeps it simple - just two alien races and one character. It makes you curious about the game. It gives you a hint of the challenge that the main character will have to face. It doesn't dip into purple prose.

And most of all you are curious to read it and find out what happens.

Help Required

Peter Kenson

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

Peter Kenson

Osulagh

Independent fluffy puppy.

Peter Kenson

Sage

Supreme Guessinator

Once!

Still confused by shoelaces