I can't remember names. I can't remember dates. I know I went somewhere twice, but my memory has merged the trips together. I had actually forgotten I had been there twice when I was writing about it. Now, I'm not sure what to do. How do you handle writing a memoir when your memory has holes and gaps?
The recency effect of memory definitely manifests itself when writing a memoir. My older memories, even important ones, are very fragmented. Even when it comes to past events I've dwelled on. My sibling once said the most horrible thing I've ever heard anyone utter in my life, and I want to include it to show what degree his delinquency was growing up, but for the life of me I can't remember what triggered him to say it (and in all likelihood it was probably something very minor, but his anger was there regardless, which is why I don't remember it). I have no idea how I'm going to work this in yet.
On the other hand, when it comes to more recent events, even stuff that I rarely think about, I find that when I sit down and start writing about it, all the necessary details come to the surface of my memory and I'm able to write out complete fleshed-out play-by-play scenes for them.
It's tough because my memoir spans the first 25 years of my life. I'm really adamant about including childhood events, but my memory of them just has many gaps. I find that my writing is someone bifurcated: older fragment memories that take place over a longer period of time (which is probably best organized according to theme or subject or character, and often feels very aimless and info-dump-y when I write about them), and newer more complete memories for which I am able to write fleshed-out scenes that feel more like a plot with driving action, cause and effect, building tension, suspense, etc.
I find with the older memories, I rely on trying to really write witty, humorous, intelligent, and elegant prose in order to spur the reader to keep going, whereas with newer memories the motivation to keep reading is built-in because it feels more like a plot with a forthcoming payoff. Oh, do I struggle with old memories that I desperately want to include and can't bring myself to part with. I know I probably need to take a good hard look at them and distill which of the older memories are really necessary toward the main gist of the overall story, but it's so hard.
Anyway, just as memory gaps are a reality, so is embellishment. A writing teacher once told me that "the rule" for memoir is 5% of it can be embellished.
I personally don't agonize over minor embellishments. For example, with my aforementioned...well...example, with my sibling saying the most horrible thing I've ever heard in my life, I'll probably have to conflate it with another incident where I actually DO remember what his gripe or the argument was about (he wanted my parents to buy him something). I really don't think this is bastardizing the integrity of the memoir by combining them. Because both events happened and reasonably could have even happened in tandem based on the context/circumstances, and the point is to illuminate his legitimate consistent behavioral misconduct, which is a factor of my main story.
I honestly feel as though if you need to embellish even more than 5% for the sake of the story, you should go for it and just change the genre of your book. Don't let the genre define the story.