[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

ShadowVixenX said:

This is the first time I've been really serious about writing a novel and have gotten so far (over 17k words) so here's the first three sentences of said novel:

The door creaked on its hinges and the bottom scraped on the hard wood floor as I pulled it open. Cringing, I paused to make sure my mother hadn’t woken from the sounds. When I was sure she hadn’t, I slipped through the opening into the cool summer night before shutting the door behind me.

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Yaay! 17 k words (I'm jealous, my WIP is slogging on ) For some reason, this reads as though you are telling me, rather than me experiencing it. I like the idea, it sounds intriguing.

So for an more in depth critique. Your first sentence tells the reader three things; the hinge, the bottom door on the hard floor, and the MC pulling it open. I'd pick two. It seems like you are trying to create suspense here, but because it's just in the beginning, we (as the reader) don't know anything about where we are and who the MC is, and there is a lot of extra telling, it's not drawing in the reader (IMO) in the way you intend. It's very close though.

Your last sentence seems funny, time-wise. She/he slipped into the cool air before shutting the door. It might be the verb choice "slipped," that makes the timing seem off, almost as if she ran back to shut the door.

I would reword the 2nd sentence to use the verb "cringe," rather than cringing, because I think it will make the timing seem more like it's happening now, rather than already happened, and will draw the reader in more.

Hope this helps. I will say that this is pretty good for a start for a rough-draft WIP, and, if I were you, I'd keep going to the end before getting any more critiques. Keep writing!

cogburn said:

Thx, man. I'm not into easy fiction, but get your first comment tho. Was kinda feeling it too.

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I don't understand what did you mean by easy fiction. IMHO there are only good fictions and poorly written fictions. They are all hard (not easy) to write.

cogburn said:

Knitting and Knattering, a monthly gloss-backed publication on all things knitting and knattering, run a bi-annual Win Yourself A Cruise, a once-in-a-lifetime three-week all-expenses-paid sail around Norway's fjords for you and a lucky friend. A cut-out and post middle-paged corner piece, name, age, all in hand-written capital, and they would ask – no prefer – some out-going retiree, some O.A.P., a veritable knitter and chatterer w/ accompanying write-up, report, a gushing next-issue centre piece, on the hidden natural wonder of those green-grey hulking fjords.

Only the first two b/c the next line's the intro of a new thread and it would probably make little sense. Thx!

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This is like a lengthy close-in shot of a brochure in a movie opening, instead of showing the bikini-clad models and six-pack athletes having fun at the Cap Juluca pool side, babbling about how their expenses are paid for by Carlos Slim (or someone alleged to be him).

ShadowVixenX said:

This is the first time I've been really serious about writing a novel and have gotten so far (over 17k words) so here's the first three sentences of said novel:

The door creaked on its hinges and the bottom scraped on the hard wood floor as I pulled it open. Cringing, I paused to make sure my mother hadn’t woken from the sounds. When I was sure she hadn’t, I slipped through the opening into the cool summer night before shutting the door behind me.

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In general I think it's nice.

Some suggested tweaks:
a) First sentence--16 words before we know why the door creaks (MC pulls it open.) I'd reorder it: MC opens (or attempts to open) the door and it creaks.

b) MC pauses to make sure... firstly, how to make sure? (Try not to use ambiguous verbs/words.) Secondly, the MC can't make sure--if mom's woken, it can't be undone; thus it's more like listening and hope.

c) It was towards the end that I knew the MC was trying to get out of the house. At the first line, I thought she was trying to get into mom's room or something. I see this a lot on the SYW threads. The authors know what is happening in their stories and unconsciously assume we readers also know. We don't. We need to be told, or some hints have to be dropped. (Okay, some readers are smarter and more tolerable, but some are dumb yet still love to read.)

Hope this helps.

cogburn said:

Knitting and Knattering, a monthly gloss-backed publication on all things knitting and knattering, run a bi-annual Win Yourself A Cruise, a once-in-a-lifetime, three-week, all-expenses-paid, sail-around- Norway's-fjords for you and a lucky friend. A cut-out and post middle-paged corner piece, name, age, all in hand-written capital, and they would ask – no prefer – some out-going retiree, some O.A.P., a veritable knitter and chatterer w/ accompanying write-up, report, a gushing next-issue centre piece, on the hidden natural wonder of those green-grey hulking fjords.

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I got lost in the second sentence. It's word salad and a grammatical mess. And I'm lost generally as to how this represents the opening of a novel. Is this meant to be quoting an advertisement? Is someone thinking this?

ShadowVixenX said:

This is the first time I've been really serious about writing a novel and have gotten so far (over 17k words) so here's the first three sentences of said novel:

The door creaked on its hinges and the bottom scraped on the hard wood floor as I pulled it open. Cringing, I paused to make sure my mother hadn’t woken from the sounds. When I was sure she hadn’t, I slipped through the opening into the cool summer night before shutting the door behind me.

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Not bad--you have a character sneaking out of the house, and that promises something interesting.

However, it contains a lot of unnecessary words.

The first sentence uses the conjunction "as," which seems to be the learning writer's most favorite construction. But it often results in the reversal of cause and effect, which is what happens here. I would suggest dropping "as I pulled it open" entirely. The action is implied by the sounds the door is making. Likewise, in the last sentence it's understood that she would have closed the door, so you don't need to state it.

I thought "cool summer night" was a telling detail. Obviously this character lives somewhere fairly far north or else in the mountains.

Celimlodyn said:

To me, having both 'the old house' and 'the victorian home' makes it sound like there might be two houses. I like the atmosphere, but I'd try to find a way to combine the house mentions. Maybe something like:

The old, Victorian house, with its wildly overgrown garden, was silent, secretive. No one ever paid much attention to it, sitting secluded as it was on the outskirts of the city, covered in moss and vines.

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I agree with combining those two sentences, and that the original is not clear as to whether there's two different houses or one. However, the old in "old Victorian" is redundant, as Victorian is a time period, so we already know how old it is.

ShadowVixenX said:

This is the first time I've been really serious about writing a novel and have gotten so far (over 17k words) so here's the first three sentences of said novel:

The door creaked on its hinges and the bottom scraped on the hard wood floor as I pulled it open. Cringing, I paused to make sure my mother hadn’t woken from the sounds. When I was sure she hadn’t, I slipped through the opening into the cool summer night before shutting the door behind me.

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Welcome ShadowVixenX!

The opening sentence has two effects (creaking and scrapping) coming before the cause (opening the door). You need to reverse the order or the universe will throw a hissy fit. The creaking and scrapping are caused by the door opening. Another example would be something like this.

The car tires screeched as I slammed on the breaks. It should be written, I slammed on the breaks and the tires screeched.

If you also cut out the unnecessary words as explained by BethS this would be pretty good opening.

Thanks for sharing.

cogburn said:

Knitting and Knattering, a monthly gloss-backed publication on all things knitting and knattering, run a bi-annual Win Yourself A Cruise, a once-in-a-lifetime three-week all-expenses-paid sail around Norway's fjords for you and a lucky friend. A cut-out and post middle-paged corner piece, name, age, all in hand-written capital, and they would ask – no prefer – some out-going retiree, some O.A.P., a veritable knitter and chatterer w/ accompanying write-up, report, a gushing next-issue centre piece, on the hidden natural wonder of those green-grey hulking fjords.

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Welcome cogburn! Glad you could contribute.

Well, I generally like things that are different but that second sentence has me completely confused. I think you're way overdoing the effect you're after.

cogburn said:

Only the first two b/c the next line's the intro of a new thread and it would probably make little sense. Thx!

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I'm not sure I understand this. If we wouldn't understand the third sentence then how can readers of your story understand it?

Thanks for sharing this cogburn. Your idea isn't bad but I think the execution is too confusing as written right now. Good luck with this.

Grandfather wasn’t dead.

I wish I was wrong. Everything has been destroyed

I like it, but I think there are some tense problems. Shouldn't it be

Grandfather isn't dead.
I wish I was wrong. Everything has been destroyed

OR

Grandfather wasn’t dead.
I wished I was wrong. Everything had been destroyed.

?

AnthonyJones said:

Grandfather wasn’t dead.

I wish I was wrong. Everything has been destroyed

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Hi Anthony. Okay, for me I thought the first line was a great hook. The second two seemed a bit scattered and weak, IMO.

railroad said:

I like it, but I think there are some tense problems. Shouldn't it be

Grandfather isn't dead.
I wish I was wrong. Everything has been destroyed

OR

Grandfather wasn’t dead.
I wished I was wrong. Everything had been destroyed.

?

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I struggled with this too. "Grandfather wasn't dead." has to be there, but the narrator wished and continues to wish he was wrong because of the destruction.

I need to figure something out ha

SunshineonMe said:

Hi Anthony. Okay, for me I thought the first line was a great hook. The second two seemed a bit scattered and weak, IMO.

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Thanks for letting me know! I'll see what kind of tweaking I can do

railroad said:

I like it, but I think there are some tense problems. Shouldn't it be

Grandfather isn't dead.
I wish I was wrong. Everything has been destroyed

OR

Grandfather wasn’t dead.
I wished I was wrong. Everything had been destroyed.

?

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agreed. Was just going to say the same thing

Here's mine:

[FONT=&quot]Mira made her way from one side of the garden to the other, over and over again. She was barefoot as usual, and as usual, her toes were suspended a good two feet off the lawn. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she could never rise any higher than those two feet.[/FONT]

Australian River said:

Here's mine:

[FONT=&quot]Mira made her way from one side of the garden to the other, over and over again. She was barefoot as usual, and as usual, her toes were suspended a good two feet off the lawn. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she could never rise any higher than those two feet.[/FONT]

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I like Mira, I'm intrigued to find out more about her, but I think you should get straight to the point - that she is hovering across the garden.

Australian River said:

Here's mine:

[FONT=&quot]Mira made her way from one side of the garden to the other, over and over again. She was barefoot as usual, and as usual, her toes were suspended a good two feet off the lawn. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she could never rise any higher than those two feet.[/FONT]

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Hi, I really like this

Just one point: the 2x 'as usual' threw me off - maybe instead put: 'As usual, she was barefoot and her toes...'

Australian River said:

Here's mine:

[FONT=&quot]Mira made her way from one side of the garden to the other, over and over again. She was barefoot as usual, and as usual, her toes were suspended a good two feet off the lawn. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she could never rise any higher than those two feet.[/FONT]

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Hi Australian River. I think if you delete those two points it would draw the reader in quicker. Just my 2 cents.

Thanks guys. How about if I edit it like this?

[FONT=&quot]Mira hovered from one side of the garden to the other, her toes suspended a good two feet off the ground. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she had never been able to rise any higher. [/FONT]

Australian River said:

Thanks guys. How about if I edit it like this?

[FONT=&quot]Mira hovered from one side of the garden to the other, her toes suspended a good two feet off the ground. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she had never been able to rise any higher. [/FONT]

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I like it!
I'd change the line 'Mira called what she was doing...' to 'Mira called this...' or something a little less wordy.

Australian River said:

Thanks guys. How about if I edit it like this?

Mira hovered from one side of the garden to the other, her toes suspended a good two feet off the ground. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she had never been able to rise any higher.

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I like it, BUT:

Why tell us Mira calls it hover and not fly or float? You've already told us she's hovering (which is important and way better than your original "move" as this paints a vivid picture in my head). Why bother with the choice of word in her mind?

I think you can consider deleting the not fly not float sentence and give us something more interesting.

ETA: If what Mira thinks of is important, maybe make it into a scene? Some dumb boy/dragon calls what she is doing fly and she corrects him/it and explains?

Australian River said:

Thanks guys. How about if I edit it like this?

[FONT=&quot]Mira hovered from one side of the garden to the other, her toes suspended a good two feet off the ground. Mira called what she was doing ‘hovering’, because ‘floating’ reminded her of ghosts, and ‘flying’ would have been exaggerating. After all, she had never been able to rise any higher. [/FONT]

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I like this, and I like the explanation of why she's calling it hovering. Whether you should leave it in or not probably depends on what you're aiming for in your story. So far, the tone sounds quite light-hearted to me because she's thinking about why she calls it "hovering" - if she's thinking something different (e.g. if she's worried, unhappy, etc) it would be better to include what she's thinking rather than explaining the hovering thing.

mrsmig said:

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

Now it's three sentences. I'd prefer a stronger verb than "went" in the first sentence, but since I don't know the details of the motion (is it fast or slow? jerky or smooth?) I don't have a suggestion. If you could give readers that detail - "Mira sped," "Mira bumbled," "Mira whooshed," etc. - it would help us visualize the scene.

.

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Thank you and sorry for the four sentences. I was way too tired when I posted this.

Yes, I agree on the suggestion and the word 'went'. I am struggling to think of an alternative word. She is hovering slowly and clumsily because she's not very good at it. I almost imagine her like some sort of jetpack sputtering, if she were a machine, which of course, she's not