Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

Status
Not open for further replies.

korrinblue

Registered
Joined
Jan 17, 2013
Messages
26
Reaction score
0
Location
Oregon City, Oregon
Website
www.korrinblue.blogspot.com
Well, in for a penny and all that...

He pulled over under the trees to wait out the last of the January sun.

An approaching engine sounded in the distance; likely, a campus cop patrolling the old perimeter road for kids partying near the water. Through the rolled up window he could scent freshly turned earth from the Willamette River scouring dirt from its banks.
 

WyattEarp

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
72
Reaction score
2
Well, in for a penny and all that...

He pulled over under the trees to wait out the last of the January sun.

An approaching engine sounded in the distance; likely, a campus cop patrolling the old perimeter road for kids partying near the water. Through the rolled up window he could scent freshly turned earth from the Willamette River scouring dirt from its banks.

The "approaching engine sounded", I thought it was a train. Something like "A siren pulsed a quick blaring beat in the distance, likely..."

"he could scent"? He could smell. "scent" makes it sound like a hound dog tracking a fugitive or something.

The river was scouring dirt from its banks? Like the river is full, rushing and tearing at the banks? If that's what you meant...it took me a minute to get there, but I assure you, I'm not that bright.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 17, 2010
Messages
5,260
Reaction score
2,673
Location
UK
Sorry to dredge up a post from upthread, but had to respond to this:

This three line thing is kinda fun, but it has no bearing on whether a person would keep reading it or not. I've never quit reading a book based on the first three lines.

Maybe YOU haven't, but that's not to say others don't.

I can tell whether I'm going to read on after 3 sentences, and have often clicked the 'x' on an Amazon preview window after reading only this much. I'd even go so far as to say I can tell from one sentence whether a book is my cup of tea. An agent certainly would be able to make a decision this fast.

And that's the whole point of this '3 line thing' - it helps you get your reader's first impression right. Because crying 'but you can't tell how well I write from 3 sentences!!' is just an excuse, when what you're realling saying is 'Yeah, my opening needs work.'

Stick around, Wyatt, and you'll realise we talk a whole lot of sense on AW :)
 

WyattEarp

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
72
Reaction score
2
Sorry to dredge up a post from upthread, but had to respond to this:



Maybe YOU haven't, but that's not to say others don't.

I can tell whether I'm going to read on after 3 sentences, and have often clicked the 'x' on an Amazon preview window after reading only this much. I'd even go so far as to say I can tell from one sentence whether a book is my cup of tea. An agent certainly would be able to make a decision this fast.

And that's the whole point of this '3 line thing' - it helps you get your reader's first impression right. Because crying 'but you can't tell how well I write from 3 sentences!!' is just an excuse, when what you're realling saying is 'Yeah, my opening needs work.'

Stick around, Wyatt, and you'll realise we talk a whole lot of sense on AW :)

Not saying that you can't gain something from it, I have. Just that I have never closed a book after three sentences and said "forget it". My opening needs work, my query needs work...it all does...that's why I'm here. Never meant to portray anything other than I would give a book more than a three line chance.

Another way to look at is, I have never read the first three lines of a book and said, "Wow this is incredible!"
 

Sheluvspink

IA-Romance Editing at 84,000k
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 21, 2013
Messages
86
Reaction score
6
I usually give a book about 2-3 pages to catch my interest. That being said though, if I'm reading a preview on my Kindle and something distracts me and I'm not intrigued by page one I usually won't go back to finish.

I think this is a good thread because I imagine being an agent having to read hundreds of submissions this is a great thing to think about. I want to be able to grab their attention and not let go as quickly as I can. If I can do it in the first few sentences it's all the better.
 

Buffysquirrel

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 12, 2008
Messages
6,137
Reaction score
694
She sat up abruptly, backed to the headboard, and wrapped her arms around her knees.

It was 66 degrees in the house. Still, sweat pasted the sheet to her naked body and beads of perspiration dotted her forehead.

She closed her eyes and forced herself to recall the minute details of the horrific dream that had fled the moment she had woken. But the harder she tried, the further it slipped away. Part of her was relieved.

Unless you have a good reason not to name 'her', give her a name. How does she know it's 66 degrees? She's just woken from a nightmare. Temperature checks aren't usually on the agenda :).

It's hard for me to tell whether the distance in the narrative is because you're using omni or because you're having trouble with limited third. There is definite distance, though.


There have been so many lonely days in this penthouse I've called home for the past year. The certainty of love that once existed here is now questionable. The dreams I had crushed by the bitter reality of what now exists.

I like the first line, but instead of then becoming more specific, the next sentences instead go into more generalities about the narrator's overall state of mind. Worse, they're a bit cliched. It might be better to go into how this person feels on one of those lonely days.

wary cloud of depression? same thing really.

Yes. *nods vigorously* Same thing. Still don't get what it means.
 

WyattEarp

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
72
Reaction score
2
Hate to dwell...

But I just picked up a copy of the T.C. Boyle novel "Talk, Talk". A great book (I think).

She was running late, always running late, a failing of hers, she knew it, but then she couldn’t find her purse and once she did manage to locate it (underneath her blue corduroy jacket on the coat tree in the front hall), she couldn’t find her keys. They should have been in her purse, but they weren’t, and so she’d made a circuit of the apartment - two circuits, three - before she thought to look through the pockets of the jeans she’d worn the day before, but where were they? No time for toast.

Now, this doesn't exactly grab me by the ears but it's fun and has some pace. If it was posted here I'm sure there would be a lot of feedback. "Who is she? Isn't that first sentence a little long? Where is this person? This doesn't do it for me. Get rid of the parentheses." On and on. Point is, there is some GREAT advice here, but take it all with a grain of salt. We all don't have to start a book with a mushroom cloud.
 

Buffysquirrel

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 12, 2008
Messages
6,137
Reaction score
694
Go read the newbie guide again :). Do not make the sqrlly mistake of arguing with critiquers. It never ends well. Take what advice you can use and leave the rest :).
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 17, 2010
Messages
5,260
Reaction score
2,673
Location
UK
Not saying that you can't gain something from it, I have. Just that I have never closed a book after three sentences and said "forget it". My opening needs work, my query needs work...it all does...that's why I'm here. Never meant to portray anything other than I would give a book more than a three line chance.

That's good, and if you're looking to learn you've found a great community :)

I usually give a book more than three lines too - I'd say a page is average. But if those 3 lines are not just meh, but actually BAD, then yeah, I don't get any further. But even so, those first three lines form a first impression that will affect the way I read the rest of the page - it's all about building the reader's good will. If you try it in the first few lines, they will have less of it as they read on and it will run out sooner.

Another way to look at is, I have never read the first three lines of a book and said, "Wow this is incredible!"

I don't think I have either, but I don't think that's their job. Their job is simply to make someone interested enough to read the next sentence, and the next one, and all the way to the point at which the story has them sucked in.

And I don't mean interested DESPITE x, y and z in the first three lines, but interested BECAUSE of x, y and z. There's a big difference.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 17, 2010
Messages
5,260
Reaction score
2,673
Location
UK
But I just picked up a copy of the T.C. Boyle novel "Talk, Talk". A great book (I think).

She was running late, always running late, a failing of hers, she knew it, but then she couldn’t find her purse and once she did manage to locate it (underneath her blue corduroy jacket on the coat tree in the front hall), she couldn’t find her keys. They should have been in her purse, but they weren’t, and so she’d made a circuit of the apartment - two circuits, three - before she thought to look through the pockets of the jeans she’d worn the day before, but where were they? No time for toast.

Now, this doesn't exactly grab me by the ears but it's fun and has some pace. If it was posted here I'm sure there would be a lot of feedback. "Who is she? Isn't that first sentence a little long? Where is this person? This doesn't do it for me. Get rid of the parentheses." On and on. Point is, there is some GREAT advice here, but take it all with a grain of salt. We all don't have to start a book with a mushroom cloud.

Yeah, sure there would be some feedback on that opening, because everyone has slightly different taste in style, but ya know what? That opening works for me, because it does its one most important job: it makes me want to read on. It has pace and tension and voice and character.

Yours.... didn't. I'm sorry, but it would have been a put down from me.

If you want to post the first 3 sentences of every book you've ever liked, and have me say whether I'd read on or not, then we're gonna be here a long time. And all it will serve to illustrate is that I - and I won't be unique in this - can decide whether to read on or not based on 3 sentences, which is what I said in the beginning.
 

WyattEarp

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
72
Reaction score
2
Go read the newbie guide again :). Do not make the sqrlly mistake of arguing with critiquers. It never ends well. Take what advice you can use and leave the rest :).


I think that's exactly what I was saying. Listen, I really don't want to come off as some ungrateful a-hole, I just don't want people to get discouraged when the first three of their novel are torn apart. It's easy to get discouraged and think "maybe I'm not any good". I shelved the whole idea of writing a novel until I got one piece of encouragement about something I wrote (a screenplay) from an agent. Just keep writing and...

“Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.” Neil Gaiman
 
Last edited:

Buffysquirrel

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 12, 2008
Messages
6,137
Reaction score
694
I think that's exactly what I was saying. Listen, I really don't want to come off as some ungrateful a-hole, I just don't want people to get discouraged when the first three of their novel are torn apart.

None of us want that :). Sometimes it can get a bit blunt in here. But the aim is always to help.
 

Sheluvspink

IA-Romance Editing at 84,000k
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 21, 2013
Messages
86
Reaction score
6
Unless you have a good reason not to name 'her', give her a name. How does she know it's 66 degrees? She's just woken from a nightmare. Temperature checks aren't usually on the agenda :).

It's hard for me to tell whether the distance in the narrative is because you're using omni or because you're having trouble with limited third. There is definite distance, though.




I like the first line, but instead of then becoming more specific, the next sentences instead go into more generalities about the narrator's overall state of mind. Worse, they're a bit cliched. It might be better to go into how this person feels on one of those lonely days.



Yes. *nods vigorously* Same thing. Still don't get what it means.

Thank you Buffy! You're right, I wasn't sure to get more specific or general and it turned out cliched. Thank you for your critique!
 

Bing Z

illiterate primate
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 3, 2008
Messages
3,787
Reaction score
998
Location
New Jersey
This was a bad idea, Collin thought as he brought his baseball bat down on the head of the closest infected, breaking its neck.
We are out of ammo and have about fifty infected between us and the safety of the cars. I should have just stayed in the damn shop.

Good: Just the first line alone has portrayed the setting well with intensity and urgency. Gripping, too.

Questionable: I think the first sentence stands better without the internal thought, cuz it'll be all action, and "bad idea" doesn't add much to the intensity. The following line can also be reworded as simple tell or action. Collin can be running toward the cars right after the swing, chased by the infecteds, thus adding more urgency. At this point, whether he's outta ammo or never got any guns isn't a biggie.
 

HatTrick

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 17, 2013
Messages
80
Reaction score
5
Location
Oklahoma, USA
Third sentence is sidetracking. You can safely delete it.

As to the rest...take a look at the language: "blaring so loudly" "couldn't hear myself think"...even the opening line "I will never forget the first time I met him."

What they all have in common is that they look like phrases we've read a hundred times before. They give the prose a tired, stale sound. They are vague generalities and so don't present any specific images to draw the reader in.

Get specific.

Whom did she meet? Where? What kind of music? (Rock? Rap? Techno?) Describe what too loud to hear herself think feels like.

Thanks BethS. I have so much trouble starting the story. And the things you said make sense. I work hard to avoid them, but that first couple of paragraphs is where I always end up finding them.
 

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
One another point, my understanding is if something is a thought, you don't always have to say it's a thought. Especially if he's the only one there, it's pretty well understood.

The shift from third person to first person was pretty abrupt. And also, that line had a quotation mark at the end of it, so I assumed it was meant to be spoken and the opening quote had been accidentally left off.

At any rate, I'm personally not a fan of rendering thoughts in first person without the use of italics, which signal to the reader, "This is a thought, and not some strange and abrupt shift in POV."

If you don't want to use italics, though, then put those type of thoughts in a paragraph by themselves.


I thought about pulling some action forward, but this (maybe it's me) is getting to be a tired trick. Like pulling something from the middle of the story, some big gunfight or something, and then dropping back to the beginning in the next chapter.

I agree; that's old and done and I don't like it either. But it's also not what I meant. Just start with Jack doing something that's related to the story. At some point the story actually begins, right? Something happens or he takes some action that gets the ball rolling. That's where you start.

Look at it this way. Which is more interesting: Jack lolling around on the sofa sort of watching TV while thinking depressed thoughts...

or Jack doing something that makes the reader say, "Wow, that's intriguing. Wonder what's going to happen next?"
 
Last edited:

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
Well, in for a penny and all that...

He pulled over under the trees to wait out the last of the January sun.

An approaching engine sounded in the distance; likely, a campus cop patrolling the old perimeter road for kids partying near the water. Through the rolled up window he could scent freshly turned earth from the Willamette River scouring dirt from its banks.

Name the character.

That should be a comma after "distance," not a semi-colon.

I don't believe you can smell earth through a rolled-up window, particularly while sitting in a stationary car.

Technical issues aside, I am curious as to what he's waiting for. It needs to appear very soon, though.
 

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
But I just picked up a copy of the T.C. Boyle novel "Talk, Talk". A great book (I think).

She was running late, always running late, a failing of hers, she knew it, but then she couldn’t find her purse and once she did manage to locate it (underneath her blue corduroy jacket on the coat tree in the front hall), she couldn’t find her keys. They should have been in her purse, but they weren’t, and so she’d made a circuit of the apartment - two circuits, three - before she thought to look through the pockets of the jeans she’d worn the day before, but where were they? No time for toast.

Now, this doesn't exactly grab me by the ears but it's fun and has some pace. If it was posted here I'm sure there would be a lot of feedback. "Who is she? Isn't that first sentence a little long? Where is this person? This doesn't do it for me. Get rid of the parentheses." On and on. Point is, there is some GREAT advice here, but take it all with a grain of salt. We all don't have to start a book with a mushroom cloud.

Tastes differ, but what I would say upon reading that is that it's got a great voice and I'm really curious about what she's late for.

Admittedly, I wouldn't want to read an entire novel written with that amount of breathlessness.
 

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
“Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.” Neil Gaiman

A writer who took that too literally might end up rejecting a lot of good advice.
 

korrinblue

Registered
Joined
Jan 17, 2013
Messages
26
Reaction score
0
Location
Oregon City, Oregon
Website
www.korrinblue.blogspot.com
Name the character.

That should be a comma after "distance," not a semi-colon.

I don't believe you can smell earth through a rolled-up window, particularly while sitting in a stationary car.

Technical issues aside, I am curious as to what he's waiting for. It needs to appear very soon, though.

Thanks. Every time I think i've fixed that semi-colon it returns. I guess I should have prefaced the post. It's an urban fantasy piece. The character is a demon trapped on earth as a man. He can smell just about anything from anywhere.
 

BethS

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 21, 2005
Messages
11,708
Reaction score
1,763
The character is a demon trapped on earth as a man. He can smell just about anything from anywhere.

In that case, it would probably be a good idea to have him smell all kinds of things that a normal human wouldn't, so as to clue in the reader that he's Not Normal.
 

korrinblue

Registered
Joined
Jan 17, 2013
Messages
26
Reaction score
0
Location
Oregon City, Oregon
Website
www.korrinblue.blogspot.com
In that case, it would probably be a good idea to have him smell all kinds of things that a normal human wouldn't, so as to clue in the reader that he's Not Normal.

I agree, but the forum post stated only the first three sentences. Takes me six to get out the fact that he can put things in peoples minds - i.e., the approaching cop.
 

Buffysquirrel

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 12, 2008
Messages
6,137
Reaction score
694
At any rate, I'm personally not a fan of rendering thoughts in first person without the use of italics, which signal to the reader, "This is a thought, and not some strange and abrupt shift in POV."

I didn't even get so far as to work out it was a thought. Eh.
 

WyattEarp

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
72
Reaction score
2
The shift from third person to first person was pretty abrupt. And also, that line had a quotation mark at the end of it, so I assumed it was meant to be spoken and the opening quote had been accidentally left off.

At any rate, I'm personally not a fan of rendering thoughts in first person without the use of italics, which signal to the reader, "This is a thought, and not some strange and abrupt shift in POV."

If you don't want to use italics, though, then put those type of thoughts in a paragraph by themselves.




I agree; that's old and done and I don't like it either. But it's also not what I meant. Just start with Jack doing something that's related to the story. At some point the story actually begins, right? Something happens or he takes some action that gets the ball rolling. That's where you start.

Look at it this way. Which is more interesting: Jack lolling around on the sofa sort of watching TV while thinking depressed thoughts...

or Jack doing something that makes the reader say, "Wow, that's intriguing. Wonder what's going to happen next?"

you're right Beth. In the next chapter (the first chapter is very short) he is seeing a psychiatrist. I think I will re-work it, the first two chapters...start in the psych office, maybe Jack blowing off about his wife...something with a little more substance. Thanks, I think this will work better.
 

SeeM0

Registered
Joined
Jan 26, 2013
Messages
34
Reaction score
0
Here's mines:
When I was six, I came back to life. I, Abigail Lee Channing, came back from the cusp of death. Or so I’m told.

Are the sentences too short?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.