Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

I think smile to herself should be smile 'at' herself, if it's her reflection she's smiling at. Smiling to yourself is a more secret action.

Click to expand...

You're correct. I will definitely change that. Thank you.

Not a bad opening, but I think it could be strengthened. Who is she pretending to be and why? Be specific.

Click to expand...

Those questions are answered within the next few sentences.

I want to know more about these biting squirrels.

1) Halloween is not everyone's favorite time of year--I don't enjoy it--and therefore I begin the story distracted and thinking, "Not mine!"
2) I feel that sentence two, if kept, should read Who could resist rather than Who couldn't resist. I'm not certain the second is incorrect, it just seems to be a double negative. More to the point, I don't like the rhetorical question here because, again, I can say, "I can." After strike 2 I'm thinking, 'Well, put that book back on the shelf.'

Click to expand...

Thank you for your input. This is the prologue told from a child's point of view. In her mind someone would be crazy to not like Halloween, which is what I was attempting to portray. I will consider a better way to phrase my point without turning a potential reader off.

SR Roddy said:

Those questions are answered within the next few sentences.

Click to expand...

Fair enough, but I bet those sentences are stronger than the ones you have, so it might be worth bumping them up.

This is meant to be a child? How old? I thought maybe a teenager.

She's 11 going on 20 in this scene. You know that perfect age when all girls bounce between acting like a child and trying to pretend they are grown up? Her personality again only in this scene, which is a prologue, is based loosely on my own child's personality.

I bet those sentences are stronger than the ones you have, so it might be worth bumping them up

Click to expand...

They might be. I will consider a way to rewrite that might convey better what I was going for in this scene. Thanks again for your input.

SR Roddy said:

She's 11 going on 20 in this scene.

Click to expand...

Heh, love that .

SR Roddy said:

In her mind someone would be crazy to not like Halloween, which is what I was attempting to portray. I will consider a better way to phrase my point without turning a potential reader off.

Click to expand...

I do get this from the sentences, not necessarily her age, but her feelings.

SR Roddy said:

It was Halloween again, everyone's favorite time of year. Who couldn't resist spending one night pretending to be someone else? Lisa smiled to herself in the full length mirror.

Click to expand...

If you're going to start with a mirror scene, I'd say get straight to it. Just describe what she sees in the mirror without telling us it's Halloween.

Beth's suggestion is interesting. Might be worth playing with that idea then posting the result.

If you're going to start with a mirror scene, I'd say get straight to it. Just describe what she sees in the mirror without telling us it's Halloween.

Click to expand...

I came up with three options, but I'll only post one here.

Lisa laughed as she twirled several times in front of the mirror making her skirts fly around her legs. Looking at her reflection she ran her hand along the colorful material watching it shimmer in the light, a sense of pride bringing a smile to her pretty face. She had worked for weeks on this costume knowing with her tanned skin and brown eyes she could easily pass for the exotic gypsy she was attempting to portray.

SR Roddy said:

I came up with three options, but I'll only post one here.

Lisa laughed as she twirled several times in front of the mirror making her skirts fly around her legs. Looking at her reflection she ran her hand along the colorful material watching it shimmer in the light, a sense of pride bringing a smile to her pretty face. She had worked for weeks on this costume knowing with her tanned skin and brown eyes she could easily pass for the exotic gypsy she was attempting to portray.

Click to expand...

Hi, I'm not a fan of physical description unless necessary. I like your 3rd sentence, without the 'with her tanned skin and brown eyes'. Leave the reader to guess what kind of physical features would pass for an exotic gypsy, and then tell what happens next.

SR Roddy said:

Lisa laughed as she twirled several times in front of the mirror making her skirts fly around her legs. Looking at her reflection she ran her hand along the colorful material watching it shimmer in the light, a sense of pride bringing a smile to her pretty face. She had worked for weeks on this costume knowing with her tanned skin and brown eyes she could easily pass for the exotic gypsy she was attempting to portray.

Click to expand...

You might tighten it up so:
Lisa laughed as she twirled several times in front of the mirror making her skirts fly around her legs. She ran her hand over the colorful material watching it shimmer in the light, a sense of pride bringing a smile. She had worked for weeks on this costume knowing she could easily pass for the exotic gypsy she was attempting to portray.

But, I really think you could come up with a better opening than my suggestion--and a better opening than what you've written. What's the purpose of the costume?

LillyPu said:

But, I really think you could come up with a better opening than my suggestion--and a better opening than what you've written. What's the purpose of the costume?

Click to expand...

Ha, that's funny! In posts below, which I guess you didn't read, it was suggested the opening be changed to eliminate the mention of Halloween--the purpose of the costume.

We're never satisfied round here!

So true, Buffysquirrel! I like Roddy's first effort better and I have no business saying so after my last response. *ducks*

Thanks for all your input, was very much appreciated.

SR Roddy said:

I came up with three options, but I'll only post one here.

Lisa laughed as she twirled several times in front of the mirror making her skirts fly around her legs. Looking at her reflection she ran her hand along the colorful material watching it shimmer in the light, a sense of pride bringing a smile to her pretty face. She had worked for weeks on this costume knowing with her tanned skin and brown eyes she could easily pass for the exotic gypsy she was attempting to portray.

Click to expand...

Some of this sounds like it's hovering just outside her POV (especially, "...a sense of pride bringing a smile to her pretty face.") I really think you need to work on character voice. If I recall correctly, she's 11, right? What does an 11 year old sound like?

First 3 of my WIP

She always knew, it was always going to be there. Her ability was what made her special. It is what brought him to her.

Blissfullyballard said:

She always knew, it was always going to be there. Her ability was what made her special. It is what brought him to her.

Click to expand...

There's too little information here to hook me. I don't see or feel anything from those lines, since I know nothing about the characters or what the ability is. You need to give me some snippet of actual information to awaken my curiosity or something to set the mood of the story, this does neither.

Also, your kinda starting off from the backstory here, you're describing what has already happened. Backstory is not the story. It's more engaging if you start from event in the real time, and weave the backstory into the real-time narrative.

Hope this helps!

Blissfullyballard said:

She always knew, it was always going to be there. Her ability was what made her special. It is what brought him to her.

Click to expand...

This is so vague that it invites the reader to speculate about what the heck is happening--and those speculations may not incline them to read on. My immediate reaction is, oh, this woman's special ability is about attracting men? Why do I want to read that? Why can't I read about a woman whose special ability is taming wild animals, or feeding entire villages of starving people, or something that doesn't revolve around...a man?

Be more specific.

SR Roddy said:

Lisa laughed as she twirled several times in front of the mirror making her skirts fly around her legs. Looking at her reflection she ran her hand along the colorful material watching it shimmer in the light, a sense of pride bringing a smile to her pretty face. She had worked for weeks on this costume knowing with her tanned skin and brown eyes she could easily pass for the exotic gypsy she was attempting to portray.

Click to expand...

You have some redundancy here. As she's twirling around in front of the mirror, the reader can pretty much guess she's looking at her own reflection.

I'd be tempted to take the reader deeper into Lisa's POV. Have her run to the mirror to see this exotic gypsy she's created, the culmination of all that hard work.

The bodies cooled before he got bored. That was the problem with houses on this side of the city—low-income households, most of them unable to afford enough coal for the brazier or wood for the fireplace. So uninviting.

Putputt said:

The bodies cooled before he got bored. That was the problem with houses on this side of the city—low-income households, most of them unable to afford enough coal for the brazier or wood for the fireplace. So uninviting.

Click to expand...

It's creepy, but there seems to be an odd lack of frustration. If the character's meant to be unemotional, then okay, but it feels a bit off to me. I'd be more disappointed finding there's no jam tarts left....

Blissfullyballard said:

She always knew, it was always going to be there. Her ability was what made her special. It is what brought him to her.

Click to expand...

You don't need a comma in the first sentence.


Second sentence is telling, and not in a good way.

Your character needs a name.

And finally, this is so vague there's nothing to grab on to. It's like trying to read smoke. I'm not sure you've started in the right place.

Putputt said:

The bodies cooled before he got bored. That was the problem with houses on this side of the city—low-income households, most of them unable to afford enough coal for the brazier or wood for the fireplace. So uninviting.

Click to expand...

I'd definitely want to read more. I like the first sentence. And the 2nd as far as 'city'. Then I'd try to make the rest of 2nd tighter, but expand on the 'uninviting'