Reflections on the 15 Year Anninversary of my GRS

Diana Hignutt · Feb 28, 2015

It was February 29 (leap day) 2000 when I underwent my GRS in Montreal. So, most years this (Februrary 28) is what passes for an anniversary for the momentous event, and as such I find myself forced to reflect on things.

I know I would have died if I had not transitioned and known that I was going to get GRS. GRS drastically improved my condition, except, of course, the two years of complications I suffered (granulation tissue and stenosis). I got past that. But, I was finally comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Oh, there's still many things I really don't like about my body, and I would rather have had magically transformed XX chromosomes and a girlhood but I'll take this. Without a doubt, for me, it was the way to go.

It's kind of a new start for me this year, as for the first time since long before that day fifteen years ago...I'm not in a relationship with my soon to be ex-wife whom I was married to for almost half my life. So, a whole new realm of possible experiences has opened up to me though honestly I'm in no hurry for another relationship. But, here I am: 50, trans and newly single. The single thing still feels really weird. I get pretty nervous about dating and such when I think about it.

Thanks for letting me muse over this occasion with you (at you?).

Maryn · Feb 28, 2015

Fifteen years is pretty awesome, yet just a start at being the woman you truly are, right? And I've never known a woman who was fully happy with her body and appearance, including the gorgeous ones.

Being single can be scary, but it can also be a time for affirming who you are, what's important to you, and what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone else--after so many years of marriage, that probably seems the norm--but remember, there's also no shame in being on your own, doing what pleases you, exploring yourself and your world without worrying about meeting anyone else's needs or desires.

Maryn, pleased to know you

Diana Hignutt · Mar 1, 2015

Maryn said:
Fifteen years is pretty awesome, yet just a start at being the woman you truly are, right? And I've never known a woman who was fully happy with her body and appearance, including the gorgeous ones.

Being single can be scary, but it can also be a time for affirming who you are, what's important to you, and what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone else--after so many years of marriage, that probably seems the norm--but remember, there's also no shame in being on your own, doing what pleases you, exploring yourself and your world without worrying about meeting anyone else's needs or desires.

Maryn, pleased to know you

Technically, I started living full time on July 1, 1998, but you're right...fifteen years and I am just starting in some ways. But, I'll always strive (I hope) to be the best woman I can be.

So, today is the fifteenth anniversary of staring out at the snow in the light of the streetlight on a Montreal corner out the window while in a serious morphine haze...and discovering that breast implant surgery hurts worse than vaginoplasy.

I'm delighted to know you too! Thanks for your words.

maxmordon · Mar 2, 2015

Diana, sorry for not writing before but my internet was wonky during the weekend. Also, I wasn't sure what to say or if it was proper to say anything at all.

I will only say this: the past doesn't exist, except in the memories we keep about it. This mean two things. Firstly, we are what we are at this very moment, here and now, and since we can only change things that are to come so any regrets, if any, of the past is meaningless.*

Secondly, this also means that the past is not entirely meaningless. We are who we are at the very moment thanks to the sum of experiences, good and bad, that we have been through along the years. The great woman you are is here thanks to all the things you lived and no doubt more things to come are on its way for you.

Diana Hignutt · Mar 2, 2015

maxmordon said:
Diana, sorry for not writing before but my internet was wonky during the weekend. Also, I wasn't sure what to say or if it was proper to say anything at all.

I will only say this: the past doesn't exist, except in the memories we keep about it. This mean two things. Firstly, we are what we are at this very moment, here and now, and since we can only change things that are to come so any regrets, if any, of the past is meaningless.*

Secondly, this also means that the past is not entirely meaningless. We are who we are at the very moment thanks to the sum of experiences, good and bad, that we have been through along the years. The great woman you are is here thanks to all the things you lived and no doubt more things to come are on its way for you.

I wish I could have been a mother. Lili Eble was about my age when she had the operation to have a uterus transplanted which is what killed her. That's my regret, but it can't be regret can it? If you never have the chance, you can't regret not taking it?

Sorry, I don't have anyone else to talk to about such things. I totally appreciate your word, Max, btw.

SWest · Mar 2, 2015

Diana Hignutt said:
... If you never have the chance, you can't regret not taking it?

...

You can totally miss not having an opportunity/option for something other people engage in.

Not at all the same thing, but maybe there's a children's library program in need of readers? Or a chapter of Big Sisters in need of an established professional woman? Centered, nurturing women who made space in their days for me to sit quietly nearby really saved my sanity until I could start my life over. So maybe they all gave birth to Me.

Anyway.

Interesting journeys are interesting. You've been generous to share yours with us. Thank you.

kuwisdelu · Mar 2, 2015

Happy late 15th birthday, Diana.

Roxxsmom · Mar 2, 2015

Happy belated anniversary, Diana. I think all your feelings, both of gratitude and regret, are perfectly valid. You have a right to feel as you do.

maxmordon · Mar 14, 2015

Diana, I've gone back and forth thinking on what to write here. Perhaps I'm overthinking it, a common flaw of mine, but I didn't want to leave things unsaid.

I didn't know my father until I was 3 or 4 and even then, he was mostly a voice on the phone. I grew up with a slacker uncle, an emotionally-manipulative grandmother, a grandfather that I saw dementia slowly taking it away and an overworked mother.

Once my father asked me to forgive him for not giving me a "Normal environment" but I told to him there was nothing to forgive. My life, with all its flaws, is what made me who I'm now, it inspired all what I write and is what drives me out of the bed every day when I could easily dig a hole and die, something which I have thought many times.

If things were different perhaps you would be happier or perhaps you wouldn't, but you probably would have had frustrations, too. Regrets and impossible dreams. We all have. Life is imperfect but is that imperfection is what drive us to dream and hope that we can do and change something, change life before life takes it toll.

You're alive, Diana, and dammit, so I am and everyone else who can read these words. We are alive and, despite the cards life has handled to us, we can still make a change. Today, I was mugged and a man threatened me with a gun. I could have died but I didn't. I'm here and I'm saying what a marvelous and unbelievable person you are!

Diana Hignutt · Mar 15, 2015

maxmordon said:
Diana, I've gone back and forth thinking on what to write here. Perhaps I'm overthinking it, a common flaw of mine, but I didn't want to leave things unsaid.

I didn't know my father until I was 3 or 4 and even then, he was mostly a voice on the phone. I grew up with a slacker uncle, an emotionally-manipulative grandmother, a grandfather that I saw dementia slowly taking it away and an overworked mother.

Once my father asked me to forgive him for not giving me a "Normal environment" but I told to him there was nothing to forgive. My life, with all its flaws, is what made me who I'm now, it inspired all what I write and is what drives me out of the bed every day when I could easily dig a hole and die, something which I have thought many times.

If things were different perhaps you would be happier or perhaps you wouldn't, but you probably would have had frustrations, too. Regrets and impossible dreams. We all have. Life is imperfect but is that imperfection is what drive us to dream and hope that we can do and change something, change life before life takes it toll.

You're alive, Diana, and dammit, so I am and everyone else who can read these words. We are alive and, despite the cards life has handled to us, we can still make a change. Today, I was mugged and a man threatened me with a gun. I could have died but I didn't. I'm here and I'm saying what a marvelous and unbelievable person you are!

Bless you, Max. You weren't hurt in the mugging were you?

maxmordon · Mar 15, 2015

Diana Hignutt said:
Bless you, Max. You weren't hurt in the mugging were you?

I wasn't. Just a bit shocked since it happened half a block from our apartment.

Diana Hignutt · Mar 15, 2015

maxmordon said:
I wasn't. Just a bit shocked since it happened half a block from our apartment.

Just be careful. I'm glad you're okay.

Reflections on the 15 Year Anninversary of my GRS

Diana Hignutt

Very Tired

Maryn

Baaa!

Diana Hignutt

Very Tired

maxmordon

Penúltimo

Diana Hignutt

Very Tired

SWest

In the garden...

kuwisdelu

Revolutionize the World

Roxxsmom

Beastly Fido

maxmordon

Penúltimo

Diana Hignutt

Very Tired

maxmordon

Penúltimo

Diana Hignutt

Very Tired