REWRITE @ mssge #7 No One Will See You - 491 words
Pammy was tired after the long car ride. The heat and humidity of late afternoon in the south made her feel hot and cranky. She wandered away from her mother to the big desk with lots of keys in wooden slots. A man in a red vest with a name tag that said “Biff” came around from behind the desk and gave her a butterscotch candy. She sat in an armchair near the window, clutched her butterscotch and watched Biff talk on the telephone. Her mother’s high heels clickety-clicked on the tile floor.
“You come when I call you Miss Pamela June. What if I had an ice cream cone for you? You wouldn’t want it to melt would you?”
“Do we have ice cream, Mama?”
“No, of course we don’t have ice cream. What have you got there?”
“It’s mine. The man gave it to me. It’s candy, see?”
“Ugh, it’s all sticky. What if it’s poison? Give it.” Her mother thrust out a hand, palm up. “Right now.”
“Mama, can I put on my pink dress? This one is all wrinkly and ruined.”
“That one’s fine. No one will see you.”
Her mother said the elevator would be like a carnival ride but Pammy held onto the hem of her dress anyway. A man squeezed through the doors just before they slid shut. He wore a straw hat and a red paper flower in a tiny silver vase attached to his suit jacket. His shoes were wingtips like her father’s but sort of floppy and soft with scuffed toes.
“Well, well, young ladies. How are we this fine afternoon? I am Doctor Mascher, at your service.”
She didn’t like doctors and she’d never met one who smelled like her daddy when he drank beer and watched Saturday baseball on the television. “What kind of doctor are you?”
He bent down. Bristly hairs grew out of his nose and ears. “Why, I’m a limb and crotch doctor, little lady.”
When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, he followed her and her mother.
“Come on, Pammy, don’t dawdle.” Her mother’s voice was too loud. “Oh, doctor, please excuse us, we’re going to our room to freshen up. We’re meeting my husband later.”
#####
The room had two beds and a bathroom with little soap bars in paper wrappers on the sink. Pammy bounced on the bed closest to the window. “Is daddy coming?”
“For heaven’s sake, you know he’s not. He has business meetings this weekend. That’s why we drove two hours; a trip for the girls, just us girls, for two whole days. But if we see that doctor again, say we’re meeting your dad later.”
“What is a limb and crotch doctor, Mama?”
“That doctor is a vulgar man.”
“Why? Because of his flower?”
“Pamela, sometimes you act like you don’t have the brains God gave a goose.”
“I liked the flower, Mama.”
PLEASE NOTE: A rewritten version of this story is further down in the thread - message #7.
This is a story I've had in my head for a long time. I'm going to submit it in this month's ReadingWriters flash fiction contest. All comments welcome. The paragraphs didn't indent here, and I lost the double space between each one so I'll try to fix this.
No One Will See You
Pammy was tired after the long car ride. The heat and humidity of late afternoon in the south made her feel hot and cranky. She wandered away from her mother to the big desk with lots of keys in wooden slots. A man in a red vest with a name tag that said “Biff” came around from behind the desk and gave her a butterscotch candy. She sat in an armchair near the window, clutched her butterscotch and watched Biff talk on the telephone. Her mother’s high heels clickety-clicked on the tile floor.
“You come when I call you Miss Pamela June. What if I had an ice cream cone for you? You wouldn’t want it to melt would you?”
“Do we have ice cream, Mama?”
“No, of course we don’t have ice cream. What have you got there?”
“It’s mine. The man gave it to me. It’s candy, see?”
“Ugh, it’s all sticky. What if it’s poison? Give it.” Her mother thrust out a hand, palm up. “Right now.”
“Mama, can I put on my pink dress? This one is all wrinkly and ruined.”
“That one’s fine. No one will see you.”
Her mother said the elevator would be like a carnival ride but Pammy held onto the hem of her dress anyway. A man squeezed through the doors just before they slid shut. He wore a straw hat and a red paper flower in a tiny silver vase attached to his suit jacket. His shoes were wingtips like her father’s but sort of floppy and soft with scuffed toes.
“Well, well, young ladies. How are we this fine afternoon? I am Doctor Mascher, at your service.”
She didn’t like doctors and she’d never met one who smelled like her daddy when he drank beer and watched Saturday baseball on the television. “What kind of doctor are you?”
He bent down. Bristly hairs grew out of his nose and ears. “Why, I’m a limb and crotch doctor, little lady.”
When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, he followed her and her mother.
“Come on, Pammy, don’t dawdle.” Her mother’s voice was too loud. “Oh, doctor, please excuse us, we’re going to our room to freshen up. We’re meeting my husband later.”
#####
The room had two beds and a bathroom with little soap bars in paper wrappers on the sink. Pammy bounced on the bed closest to the window. “Is daddy coming?”
“For heaven’s sake, you know he’s not. He has business meetings this weekend. That’s why we drove two hours; a trip for the girls, just us girls, for two whole days. But if we see that doctor again, say we’re meeting your dad later.”
“What is a limb and crotch doctor, Mama?”
“That doctor is a vulgar man.”
“Why? Because of his flower?”
“Pamela, sometimes you act like you don’t have the brains God gave a goose.”
“I liked the flower, Mama.”
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