Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

SeeM0 said:

Here's mines:
When I was six, I came back to life. I, Abigail Lee Channing, came back from the cusp of death. Or so I’m told.

Are the sentences too short?

Click to expand...

The sentences aren't too short imo. But the second one basically repeats what the first one says, so I'm not sure it's needed. Getting the character's name in isn't essential in the first three lines.

When I was six, I came back from the cusp of death. Or so I’m told.

Click to expand...

BethS said:

Did you mean..."her back to the headboard"? Maybe you don't need that phrase at all. It kind of clutters things up.

Anyway, opening with characters waking up, and waking up from dreams, has been overdone to the point where it's a cliche.

In your case, she wakes up from a dream she can't remember, and so the reader has nothing interesting to grab on to. My recommendation is to find another place to start.

Click to expand...

Appreciate the comments. I must say, I think we sometimes get so caught up in this word "cliche." Everything that's ever been written has been written before. So who and what determines when it becomes cliched? I read that word on hear a lot and I often just shake my head ...

SeeM0 said:

Here's mines:
When I was six, I came back to life. I, Abigail Lee Channing, came back from the cusp of death. Or so I’m told.

Are the sentences too short?

Click to expand...

No. But one and two are redundant. So--

When I was six, I, Abigail Lee Channing, came back from the cusp of death.

Third sentence actually dilutes the tension. Just get on with the story of how she came back to life.

Dorky said:

I’m not sure what “backed to the headboard” is supposed to mean. Does that mean she moved back to lean against the headboard?

Let me ask you something: have you or someone you know ever had a nightmare and then woken up like that? Suddenly snapping their torso up to sit, scooching back, and then immediately grabbing their knees?

It’s a very clichéd scenario. There’s even a tvtropes page on it showing some of the other times this exact same wake-up method has been utilized. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to use this; it just has to be done well.

I want to know what the nightmare is about. All you’ve done is tell me that it existed, but she has no idea what happened in it. It’s a bit of a letdown.

Who is this “she”? Do we get a name?

It looks like She (whoever she is) is your POV character. As such, her keen observations on the exact temperature (66 degrees!) comes off as very strange, especially since she just woke up.

Would I continue reading this?
No. It’s not a very interesting start to a story. I was not hooked.

Click to expand...

It's that an unusual expression? "Backed to the headboard." Interesting. I tossed it out to a couple folks and they understood completely what it meants. Very good to get another perspective, tho.

As for cliched, I've heard "this beginning" and "that beginning is cliched" since I've picked up a pen. A good story can start anyplace.


Now if you're saying you don't like the story's start ... well that's a horse of a different color. LOL

AWriterBlocked said:

Appreciate the comments. I must say, I think we sometimes get so caught up in this word "cliche." Everything that's ever been written has been written before. So who and what determines when it becomes cliched?

Click to expand...

In this case, the critics and the gatekeepers.

The critics are a force of nature you can't control, but the gatekeepers -- agents and editors -- you have to deal with.

I've sat in on workshops where agents talk about being bombarded with waking-up openings and dream openings, to the point where they have become an automatic reject. I've also seen this mentioned in agent blogs.

The only reason you don't see more waking-up/dream openings in published books is because of what I just described. Most get weeded out.

If you absolutely, positively must open with a character waking up from a dream, then make it the best, most compelling dream opening ever written. Make it matter. Having a character who wakes up scared from a dream she can't remember doesn't qualify.

AWriterBlocked said:

A good story can start anyplace.

Click to expand...

I would say...a really good writer can make any kind of opening work. But a good story starts in exactly the right place for that story.

BethS said:

I would say...a really good writer can make any kind of opening work. But a good story starts in exactly the right place for that story.

Click to expand...

Agreed! I love this stuff ...

Three lines!


He stands behind me, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my bare back. The aroma of the morning's aftershave still lingers on his face, far too strong for me.

I clear my throat.

AWriterBlocked said:

So who and what determines when it becomes cliched? I read that word on hear a lot and I often just shake my head ...

Click to expand...

Mostly it's determined by the agent or publisher who just rejected our work .

AWriterBlocked said:

Three lines!


He stands behind me, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my bare back. The aroma of the morning's aftershave still lingers on his face, far too strong for me. The other way make's it sound like it may be the speaker/narrators aftershave.

I clear my throat.

Click to expand...

Not quite clear. I think I would say "The aroma of his morning aftershave still lingers. Far to strong for me." The other way make it sound like it might be the speaker/narrator's aftershave.

I think those are two separate sentences. Maybe a semi-colon or a dash.

Otherwise, I do like it...

Buffysquirrel said:

Mostly it's determined by the agent or publisher who just rejected our work .

Click to expand...

I would agree. But here is where my point is missed, when does the opening become cliched? In my opinion, I don't know if something cliched until I read the piece in a whole. Because what may seem cliched on an initial glance, may actual be a wondeful fit and appropriate place.

I had an editor read a piece I wrote, actually several did, and most (not all agreed) that the bedroom scene was the apppropriate place to begin.

So I'm guess I'm merely saying, maybe we should jump up and yell "cliche" so quickly...

WyattEarp said:

Not quite clear. I think I would say "The aroma of his morning aftershave still lingers. Far to strong for me." The other way make it sound like it might be the speaker/narrator's aftershave.

I think those are two separate sentences. Maybe a semi-colon or a dash.

Otherwise, I do like it...

Click to expand...

Thanks! Great feedback.

AWriterBlocked said:

Three lines!


He stands behind me, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my bare back. The aroma of the morning's aftershave still lingers on his face, far too strong for me.

I clear my throat.

Click to expand...

Obviously a conversation is about to start, so I would keep reading to see what they say to each other.

That first line is wordy. Could be:

He stands behind me, his breath warm on my bare back.

I find the contrast between the first line (which implies a pleasurable feeling, an acceptance of his presence there), and the second line (which shows distaste), to be interesting.

Ok here are my three.

Hank watched the guppies flit away from his hungry turtle. In the corner, a beaten man slowly awoke to a world of pain. Hank smiled and whispered, "I think I'll call you guppy."

AWriterBlocked said:

But here is where my point is missed, when does the opening become cliched? In my opinion, I don't know if something cliched until I read the piece in a whole. Because what may seem cliched on an initial glance, may actual be a wondeful fit and appropriate place.

Click to expand...

But even if you're correct, then to discover that the opening fits and isn't a cliche on this occasion, the person reading has to read past the cliche and finish the book. Agents and/or editors who believe this kind of opening to be a cliche simply won't read on. They'll turn to the next of the two hundred or so queries they've received that week. This is one of the harsh truths of publishing. It's a buyer's market.

Maybe the bedroom scene is the right place to begin. In which case, you have to make it extremely well written to get past the initial response that it's a cliche. You're setting the bar higher for yourself. But it can be done.

Neporsche said:

Hank watched the guppies flit away from his hungry turtle. In the corner a beaten man slowly awoke to a world of pain. Hank smiled and whispered, "I think I'll call you guppy."

Click to expand...

I confess, I first read this as the beaten man is in a corner of the fish tank. You might want to be clearer. Unless he is in the tank, of course.

Buffysquirrel said:

I confess, I first read this as the beaten man is in a corner of the fish tank.

Click to expand...

Me too

Lmao I should have caught that .... to the edit button!

571ng3r said:

Excruciating pain flowing through his body, Tesla awakes from his coma and sits straight up in his bed. Not realizing where he is for a moment, then he notices a IV lodged in his left forearm and the tubes up his nose from the oxygen mask. He thinks back to his last memory and realizes what had happened to him, he thinks that a random electric current must have struck him from his latest project, the Worm Hole Generator.

Click to expand...

Hey, 571ng3r Welcome to the forums.

Let me start off by saying that I love the idea of Tesla (or someone named after him) having been caught up in an accident with a Wormhole Generator machine

However, this could really use a lot of work. I think you should take a look at some of the threads around here and look to improve your grammar. If, after doing some reading, you still don’t understand how a sentence should be structured or when it is appropriate to use a comma, feel free to ask about it in the appropriate section.

Ignoring the grammar itself, I feel that the third person present narrative voice you’ve employed here feels very distant and impersonal.

Buffysquirrel said:

I confess, I first read this as the beaten man is in a corner of the fish tank. You might want to be clearer. Unless he is in the tank, of course.

Click to expand...

I agree, looks like you are on it. Once the corner confusion is cleared up I would read this as a serial killer of some kind with his latest victim waking up in the corner. It's a good place to start I think. My first three was a snooze fest. Re-writing the whole first chapter based on the feedback here.

571ng3r said:

Excruciating pain flowing through his body, Tesla awakes from his coma and sits straight up in his bed. Not realizing where he is for a moment, then he notices a IV lodged in his left forearm and the tubes up his nose from the oxygen mask. He thinks back to his last memory and realizes what had happened to him, he thinks that a random electric current must have struck him from his latest project, the Worm Hole Generator.

Click to expand...

he thinks, he thinks. I think I would change it. "He remembers the Worm Hole Generator, his latest project. Maybe he was hit by a random electric current?"

Also, I don't think you would have tubes up your nose AND and oxygen mask. One or the other. Probably, if he has been admitted to the hospital, he would just have the tubes up his nose from a breathing machine of some kind.

Neporsche said:

Ok here are my three.

Hank watched the guppies flit away from his hungry turtle. In a corner of the room, behind the tank, a beaten man slowly awoke to a world of pain. Hank smiled and whispered, "I think I'll call you guppy."

Click to expand...

The edit you made clarified things a lot.

As a person who doesn’t know squat about fish tanks and the like, here’s what I have to say:
- I think you should clarify that it’s a fish tank. Otherwise, you may get people like me who imagine a man with an M1 Abrams and a turtle
- I thought the turtle and the fish were in a pond at first. Then I got to the second sentence and figured it out.

I’m not sure if Hank is addressing the other man or a guppy fish.

Is this omni third or limited third? I’m just asking because it reads like omni, and I was wondering if that was what you were going for. It’s the mention of the other man waking up to “a world of pain” that makes it seem omni to me. I guess it wouldn’t be unreasonable for Hank to know that a beat-up man is going to be in pain when he wakes up, but yeah. Maybe it’s just me being weird.

Hank sounds like a bad dude. If that’s what you wanted, then hooray! You did it!

I would continue reading this story solely because Hank seems to be an evil Bond villain, and I want to read about him

All the guy had to do was pick up a briefcase at point A and drop it off at point B. Simple as that. But he got greedy, decided half a million dollars was worth the risk.

I have to say, I am loving the feedback.

Thank you Dorky for your constructive criticism, it was helpful. Guess I will be keeping those grammar police busy, although I was merely posting the WIP excerpt for opinions about the story in general. Also, I feel like the WIP cannot be a warm and cozy personal type book.

WyattEarp, thank you for your input as well. Your correct on the tubes subject. After some research the nasal cannula is the tube apparatus and the oxygen mask is a stand alone piece.