Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

BethS · Dec 10, 2012

Liralen said:
The Black Dog Dialogues

“The road goes ever on . . .”

I read The Hobbit back when I was a freshman in college.

It was one of the things you did, along with being artistically shaggy and studiously disheveled, avoiding any semblance of what anyone over thirty would consider responsible behavior. You majored in liberal arts, lived in one of the apartments subdividing what had been, once upon a time, a gracious, bourgeois turn of the century house; the layers of bygone wallpaper now painted over with dark blue, purple or black, embellished with fluorescent neon-hued blacklight posters. There was a mattress in the corner on the floor -- no box, mismatched disarrayed sheets tattooed with body fluids semi-obscured by an Indian throw tossed carelessly on top. The social hub of the room was a low table littered with roaches and clips, overflowing ashtrays, small oddly shaped pipes, packets of JOB papers and a bong or two reeking of stagnant, gunky water.

Well, this is considerably more than the three sentences allowed in this thread

, but I do like the writing.

However, it does seem to go on and on without getting the point, whatever that is.

Buffysquirrel · Dec 10, 2012

I'm afraid I get annoyed with anything that tells me what I did, especially when it is so utterly wrong.

Liralen · Dec 10, 2012

Buffysquirrel said:
I'm afraid I get annoyed with anything that tells me what I did, especially when it is so utterly wrong.

He's probably a bit farther back than you were -- it's set toward the end of the Vietnam war, around 1970.

Never thought I'd be working with a story in that time frame, but that's what it wanted.

Buffysquirrel · Dec 10, 2012

Liralen said:
He's probably a bit farther back than you were -- it's set toward the end of the Vietnam war, around 1970.

Never thought I'd be working with a story in that time frame, but that's what it wanted.

A far bit further back, I think! But if that's what the story wants, that's what it wants

.

Midian · Dec 10, 2012

Liralen said:
He's probably a bit farther back than you were -- it's set toward the end of the Vietnam war, around 1970.

Never thought I'd be working with a story in that time frame, but that's what it wanted.

Just to play devil's advocate, I don't think time frame is the problem, so much as pronoun choice. The feeling of breaking the third wall, especially with a time setting so far back, can be easily fixed without changing anything but the pronoun.

"You" generally doesn't bring the reader any closer to the story. So If you made just a minor tweak in pronouns:

It was one of the things ~~you~~ people did, along with being artistically shaggy and studiously disheveled, avoiding any semblance of what anyone over thirty would consider responsible behavior. ~~You~~ Everyone majored in liberal arts, lived in one of the apartments subdividing what had been, once upon a time, a gracious, bourgeois turn of the century house...

HTH.

Richard Paolinelli · Dec 10, 2012

Here goes mine:

[FONT=&quot]Hans D'Zus despised life. Not just his own life mind you, he absolutely hated his own life with a passion, but he spared some of his hatred for all life. And that hatred covered all past, present and future life, throughout the universe as well, when you got right down to heart of the matter.[/FONT]

Trevor Z · Dec 10, 2012

Here goes nothing.

The last thing that passed through Seth’s mind, before the windshield, was the thought “Well, this is different…”
The green hatchback had snuck up on him while he was crossing the road. The driver had passed out at the wheel, which was not surprising as it was the fourth time she’d done so this year.

Bing Z · Dec 10, 2012

Richard Paolinelli said:
Here goes mine:

[FONT=&quot]Hans D'Zus despised life. Not just his own life [/FONT]~~mind you~~[FONT=&quot], <I'd consider an em-dash or period to make the preceding clause/sentence stronger.> he absolutely hated his own life with a passion, [/FONT]~~but he spared some of his hatred for all life. And that hatred covered all past, present and future life, throughout the universe as well, when you got right down to heart of the matter~~[FONT=&quot].[/FONT]

pink = I really, really like
blue = I think isn't needed (redundant)
green = marginal/debatable, but prolly don't need, kinda serving same purpose as "with a passion" (which I like more) and sometimes [strong] + [strong] = [duh] <but I'm a fan of conciseness>

IMHO, the stricken out texts are just reiterations of what's already been said. I think this is a case of less = more.

Liralen · Dec 10, 2012

Midian said:
Just to play devil's advocate, I don't think time frame is the problem, so much as pronoun choice. The feeling of breaking the third wall, especially with a time setting so far back, can be easily fixed without changing anything but the pronoun.

"You" generally doesn't bring the reader any closer to the story. So If you made just a minor tweak in pronouns:

It was one of the things ~~you~~ people did, along with being artistically shaggy and studiously disheveled, avoiding any semblance of what anyone over thirty would consider responsible behavior. ~~You~~ Everyone majored in liberal arts, lived in one of the apartments subdividing what had been, once upon a time, a gracious, bourgeois turn of the century house...

HTH.

Thanks, it may well

I've played with that sort of change, back and forth, several times! lAnd likely will several more before I'm done, probably after purposely not looking it at for awhile again. "We" almost worked on some level, but didn't ring true as the way Quinn would say it, if that makes any sense?

He's recounting at the beginning, setting the stage rather than narrating as things happen, looking back with some nostalgia but also discomfort. He was, at that time in his life, obliviously self-centered, callow and way too pleased with himself, so he is -- unconsciously -- describing it with some remove.

The input helps and I appreciate it greatly.

I've got the first section submitted to a writers group I belong to and it's going to be interesting to hear their input Wednesday night and add it to this.

IronDragon · Dec 11, 2012

Trevor Z said:
Here goes nothing.

The last thing that passed through Seth’s mind, before the windshield, was the thought “Well, this is different…”
The green hatchback had snuck up on him while he was crossing the road. The driver had passed out at the wheel, which was not surprising as it was the fourth time she’d done so this year.

I like the first line. I’m not sure anyone would actually think that while being run down by a car but I like it anyway.

That said I can’t figure out just who the story is about and just who is observing this tragic scene.
Seth is dead, the driver is unconscious. Is it the car? The information on just how many times the driver had passed out doesn’t fit with the rest of it.

EMaree · Dec 11, 2012

Trevor Z said:
Here goes nothing.

The last thing that passed through Seth’s mind, before the windshield, was the thought “Well, this is different…”
The green hatchback had snuck up on him while he was crossing the road. The driver had passed out at the wheel, which was not surprising as it was the fourth time she’d done so this year.

I love this opening, though the "fourth time she'd done so" confuses me a little. I'm assuming that Seth is the protagonist and is either going to survive or go off on an adventure into the afterlife, so this line feels too omniscent. It pulls away from the focus on Seth while I wonder who's narrating and how they know this.

"Well, this is different" works brilliantly. It feels very voice-y, and has a matter-of-fact feel that I love in the works of British writers like Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.

cornflake · Dec 11, 2012

Claire looked up from the mass of tulle she was buried in. “Why are we doing this again?”

“Because you thought the skirt – and I’m quoting here – ‘needed poofiness,’” said Liz.

Buffysquirrel · Dec 11, 2012

cornflake said:
Claire looked up from the mass of tulle she was buried in. “Why are we doing this again?”

“Because you thought the skirt – and I’m quoting here – ‘needed poofiness,’” said Liz.

Looks fine to me. Possibly not a book I'd read, but it reads well

.

cornflake · Dec 11, 2012

Buffysquirrel said:
Looks fine to me. Possibly not a book I'd read, but it reads well .

Not a fan of noir psychological thrillers?

Danke.

BethS · Dec 11, 2012

Trevor Z said:
Here goes nothing.

The last thing that passed through Seth’s mind, before the windshield, was the thought “Well, this is different…”
The green hatchback had snuck up on him while he was crossing the road. The driver had passed out at the wheel, which was not surprising as it was the fourth time she’d done so this year.

I got very confused between the first sentence and the second. And even the first sentence is confusing. Did the windshield pass through his mind? Wouldn't he be dead, in that case?

starlina · Dec 11, 2012

Richard Paolinelli said:
Here goes mine:

[FONT=&quot]Hans D'Zus despised life. Not just his own life mind you, he absolutely hated his own life with a passion, but he spared some of his hatred for all life. And that hatred covered all past, present and future life, throughout the universe as well, when you got right down to heart of the matter.[/FONT]

Here are my suggestions for what they are worth:
Hans D'Zus despised life. Not just his own species, he hated all of life, in and of itself - past, present, and furture. The hatred became his passion. (or fuel) He reveled in it.

I added the last two lines. One of my annoying traits. I can't leave well enough alone.

cornflake · Dec 11, 2012

Trevor Z said:
Here goes nothing.

The last thing that passed through Seth’s mind, before the windshield, was the thought “Well, this is different…”
The green hatchback had snuck up on him while he was crossing the road. The driver had passed out at the wheel, which was not surprising as it was the fourth time she’d done so this year.

I really liked the first two phrases in the first line. I like it in general - it's grabby and I understand it fine.

I presumed it was either a flashback or trigger event and I'm fine with that. The 'different' line seems strange, but I again kind of presumed that was the character.

The only little thing is as the other poster said - the POV. If it's just omniscient, k, but it seems like it goes with one or the other and I'm not sure where we're supposed to be - though I'm betting it's with neither or with both in a different time/place.

P-Jay · Dec 11, 2012

Current WIP (almost done!)

Here are the first 3 sentences, unedited. I should really finish my story first... but I want to play too!

“Dude, stay with me.” I cry as I grip tight around Jason’s shoulder. The heavy rain streams off my chin, washing blood out of his wound and down my hands. His eyes are stressed open, his face pressed against the muddy tire of his old Honda.

Liralen · Dec 11, 2012

Trevor Z said:
Here goes nothing.

The last thing that passed through Seth’s mind, before the windshield, was the thought “Well, this is different…”
The green hatchback had snuck up on him while he was crossing the road. The driver had passed out at the wheel, which was not surprising as it was the fourth time she’d done so this year.

For what it's worth, I like it. It strikes a Douglas Adams-ish chord to me.

It makes me suspect that something surreal and somewhat tongue-in-cheek terrible is going to follow, piquantly seasoned with drollness and a twist of humor.

Bing Z · Dec 11, 2012

P-Jay said:
“Dude, stay with me.,” I cry as I grip ~~tight around~~ Jason’s shoulder. The heavy rain streams off my chin, washing blood out of his wound and down my hands. His eyes are stressed open <don't understand this>, his face pressed against the muddy tire of his old Honda.

I didn't realize the MC was leaning down on Jason until the end of this passage, therefore rain flowing down from chin to wound and hands didn't sound logical to me. I suspect you need to reorder these lines, first establish their positions/actions, etc, and close the para/passage with the scream.

P-Jay · Dec 11, 2012

Bing Zabriskie said:
I didn't realize the MC was leaning down on Jason until the end of this passage, therefore rain flowing down from chin to wound and hands didn't sound logical to me. I suspect you need to reorder these lines, first establish their positions/actions, etc, and close the para/passage with the scream.

Thanks! Really appreciate the input!

Like I said, I haven't gone back or changed so much as a punctuation mark yet. I just thought it'd be fun to throw it in here while I finish up the story. I guess the first 3 lines will be a good place to start with my edits!

- A newbie writer

MidoriShirosaki · Dec 13, 2012

Buffysquirrel said:
A problem for me is trying to make mutually exclusive two aspects of the mountain wind--cool and eerie--that aren't, imo. Why can't a wind be cool and eerie?

Further, who's narrating here? If it's an omniscient narrator, they should know how far the mansion is from the city. If it's a character, surely they know how far they travelled to get there.

It's usually good for an opening to raise questions in the reader's mind. But it can depend on what questions .

That was the rough draft, recently I have rewrote the prologue to make it a bit longer and more 'ominous' sounding at the beginning, putting more emphasis on how empty it is, and how strange it is to have a Large Mansion in the middle of a forest. I have changed it to:
The cool and eerie mountain wind blew through the nearly dead trees in a silent forest. Deep within the forest, an abandoned mansion stood. It was a long three hour trek from any town or city. The vast desolated forest that had utterly no animals, not even a chirp of a bird broke the macabre, ominous and somewhat menacing silence that goes on for what seems like miles. Which I think is much better.

Lehria · Dec 13, 2012

I want to play too.

Here are the first three lines of my WIP.

Pounding at the front door of her apartment caused Julia to slowly open her eyes and stare at the alarm clock. It glowed 3:12 A.M. in bright red. The pounding continued and didn't sound like it would stop anytime soon.

Enki_Anunnaki · Dec 13, 2012

Before anyone points out the obvious, my forums name is actually taken from the character name and not the other way around. I really like how the character has turned out so far.

Anyways, here it goes:
Enki’s mind stirred. As consciousness returned, he felt movement next to him. He felt the soft blades of grass under his hands, and shortly thereafter, the press of lips to his own.

BlankWhitePage · Dec 13, 2012

Here you have it!

It is so rare that I open the case or even leaf through the notebook, but today I did. I couldn’t not look at everything today. Because after seventy-three years, the disaster made headlines once again.

Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

Miss Conceived

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practical experience, FTW

practical experience, FTW

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My name is PJ.

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My name is PJ.

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