I'm looking for clean jokes do you have any?

What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?




A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."

Where does a general keep his armies?


wait

for

it


In his sleevies.

A man walks into a bar. As he looks around, he realizes that he is hearing
piano music, but there's no piano player. He goes over to look, and sees
that there is someone playing the piano, but he's only one foot tall.
Thinking this is kind of unusual, the man goes to the bartender and
says "Hey, what's with the foot-tall piano player?". The bartender just
gets a disgusted look, pulls a lamp from under the counter, and says
"Here. Rub this.".
The man takes the lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. "What's your wish?"
says the genie. "I'd like a million bucks!" answers the man.
Suddenly, a huge flock of ducks flies into the bar and settles around the
man.
"What the hell?" says he. "I didn't ask for a million ducks!". Answers
the bartender, "Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?".

For some reason, I get a lot of laughs from jokes about mutilated animals.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (No idear).

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still No-eye-deer.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants."

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

"Here come the elephants."

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses and pink bowler hats?

Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

Q: How come you can't tell secrets in a cornfield?

A: Because the corn has ears.

Why does a bicycle need a kickstand?

It can't stand on its own because it's two tired

(say it out loud if you don't get it)

Where do fish go when they get sick? To the dock.


Two peanuts were walking down a street. One of them was a salted.

A piece of string walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a beer."The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve string."
The string walks back outside, ties his top into a knot and brushes the top of his string. Then he walks back in.
He says, "I'll have a beer."
The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string that just walked in earlier?"
He says, "No. I'm a frayed knot."






I love tnat joke. NEVER gets old!

Bank officer Patty Black had the strangest day of her life last week. A dog came in and wanted to borrow money to fix up his dog house. Sure, it was strange enough to meet a talking dog, but business was business so she asked the dog if he had any collateral.

"Sure," the dog said, and placed a ceramic frog figurine on the desk.

"I'll have to ask the bank president about this," Patty Black said.

She went into the president's office, explained the situation and he said "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the dog a loan."

[Highlight for punch line. You'll be glad you did]

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A kid fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

He took a shower.

I love this little guy.

Chris P said:

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A kid fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

He took a shower.

Click to expand...

That was my dad's favorite joke Except in his joke it was a pig falling in the mud.
If he wanted to make it a very dirty joke, it would be a hundred pigs.


Here's one I got off Tumblr and modified a tiny bit.

A man won a trophy with a little lion on the top of it and one day his son dropped it and the lion snapped in half.

It was a catastrophe.

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his
wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how
much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without
him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her
answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you
asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room,
he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

Originally posted by dondomat on another thread. I thought it was cute, having struggled with titles many times.

Old Russian joke:

Novice writer asks a revered master, "Please help me think of a title for my novel. It's about--"
Master waves hand impatiently, "I don't want to know. Does it have drums in it?"
"Er, no."
"Does it have trumpets?"
"Wow. No."
"Then call it Without Drums and Trumpets."

Sat Nam! (literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

A man once asked how he could live a long life. He was told to eat a tablespoon of gunpowder every day with breakfast. So that's what he did. Sure enough, he lived to be 92 years old. When he died he left behind three children, eight grandchildren, thirteen grandchildren...and a ten foot hole in the crematorium wall.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

When's the best time to go to the dentist?

Two-Thirty (Tooth hurty)

My kids think this is hilarious.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Smell map.

Smell map who?

That's disgusting, I'm not going to smell your poo!

Well, there's the one Dad used to tell:

An engineer had two horses, and could never tell them apart. They were the same size, answered to each other's names, and were identical in every way. For years, he struggled to figure out a way to differentiate them... and then, one day, he burst into the house with a smile on his face. He'd finally done it! He tells his wife: "The white one's tail is two inches longer than the black one's!"

And one from Reader's Digest some years back:

A man leaving a movie theater stops another patron, who had her dog with her.
"Excuse me," he said,"but I couldn't help noticing how your dog seemed to be watching the movie. He wagged his tail in the happy parts, hung his head in the sad parts, fidgeted during the dull parts... he really seemed to enjoy it!"
"Yeah, I'm surprised, too," said the woman,"because he hated the book!"

Another from RD:

A cowboy walks into a bar and gets a beer. No sooner had he sat down than a man bursts in.
"Joe! Joe! Your horse's been stolen!"
The cowboy jumps up... and stops.
Wait a minute, he thinks, I walked into town. Can't be my horse!
So he sits back down. A few minutes later, another man bursts into the bar.
"Joe! Joe! There's a fire at the ranch! Come quick!"
The cowboy jumps up... and stops again.
Wait a minute... I live in the next town over. Can't be my ranch!
He sits back down - but then a third person bursts into the bar.
"Joe! Joe! It's your pa, he's sick!"
The cowboy jumps up... and stops.
Wait a minute, he thinks, my name isn't Joe!

what's black and white and red all over ?

a newspaper !

someone told that one to me when I was a kid

still gets me laughing :-D

Two men walk into a bar and each orders a beer. The first man pays with dollar bills, the second throws two bottle caps on the bar. The bartender protests, and the first man beckons the bartender over.

"That's my brother," the man says. "He's not quite all there. He thinks bottle caps are silver dollars. Just save them up and I'll pay you when we leave."

"Got it," the bartender says.

The two men stay for a couple hours, the first one paying with dollars and the second with bottle caps. When they get ready to leave, the first man calls over the bartender.

"How many bottle caps do you have?" the first man asks.

"Six," says the bartender. "That will be six dollars."

"Great," says the first man. "Got change for a manhole cover?"

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Hey, why the long face?"