Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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William K Elliott

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The day I found Tugor I learned three things: Grass can talk, the sun can frown and there is life on other planets. Let me explain. My name is Kathleena Ann McLaughlin, and I am one half of the Akearman Star legend. But the day I found Tugor, I was just an average seventeen year old that happened to take a nap in Science class.

I'm guessing this is a YA novel?

I like it, and there isn't much I might change. I would separate it between "life on other planets." and "Let me explain,"

Putting "
Let me explain." and everything after it into a new paragraph.

Bill

 

DeleyanLee

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There are sooo many numbers in these first few sentences and it's too distracting. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's grammatically correct if you type out the numbers (ie: two thousand nine hundred and twenty instead of 2,920).

Normally, the more syllables in a number, the more you write it as a number. So you can write out twenty-three, but you'd use 2920. ;)
 

Blinkk

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The day I found Tugor I learned three things: Grass can talk, the sun can frown and there is life on other planets. Let me explain. My name is Kathleena Ann McLaughlin, and I am one half of the Akearman Star legend. But the day I found Tugor, I was just an average seventeen year old that happened to take a nap in Science class.

I agree, this is really good. I would keep reading. :)
 

A. M. Howard

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I'm guessing this is a YA novel?

I like it, and there isn't much I might change. I would separate it between "life on other planets." and "Let me explain,"

Putting "
Let me explain." and everything after it into a new paragraph.

Bill


Thanks! In the manuscript, 'Let me explain' is seperated. I thought the rules of this thread were to only have three lines. :)

I agree, this is really good. I would keep reading. :)

Really?? For some reason, I have this idea that I'm the only one that gets a kick out of my writing. I have a good time writing it and a great time reading it, but I assume other folks wouldn't be interested. So thanks for the encouragement.
 

KawaiiTimes

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This is very interesting and certainly grabs my attention. It's a little hard to follow for a couple reasons.

There are sooo many numbers in these first few sentences and it's too distracting. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's grammatically correct if you type out the numbers (ie: two thousand nine hundred and twenty instead of 2,920). I think you can get away with Boy 1124562 because it's his title, but I'm not a pro. I'm gonna let someone else with more knowledge give their input on that one.

Anyway, back to the numbers. I find these numbers really distracting. I can't really tell you why they're so distracting, but they pull me away from the important stuff.

The other reason it's confusing is because I have NO idea what's going on. Just remember, when you say things like "The scrolling sign posted outside his cube...along with others in the pod...the Career Aptitude Testing Compound" this is all new information to the reader. I'm so confused with the cubes and the pods that I'm spending my time trying to sort out this new world instead of pay attention to the important stuff.

I understand that you only get three sentences, and I would hope that in the next few paragraphs things get explained in more detail. You've confused me to an interesting degree, because I would rather like to keep reading. So I guess that means your hook worked. :) Overall this is very interesting and unique.

The numbers are a mess, I agree, and further into the book the titles of the main character is abbreviated to the last two numbers which helps. The three sentence rule does make it harder to really get into this world, but the remainder of the first page and definitely into the first chapter puts the surroundings in mind.

I wouldn't have tried to go to such detail to describe what is happening, but the location ends up being a big part of the story and I believe at this point it is necessary to denote how different the world is from what we live in reality. Once the first draft is done I may look back on it and decide (or have an editor inform me) that there's a better way, but that's how it is now.

Thank you for your input and I will certainly keep this in mind!
 

KawaiiTimes

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This doesn't quite work for me because I'm immediately trying to convert the 2,920 days into how many years/months and distracted from what else you have to say. And then I'm wondering if 8ish (am I right?) is old enough to be doing any kind of career aptitude testing.

This is sort of the point of the intro... time isn't broken out into months/years at all in this story. I've toyed with the idea of breaking it into "cycles" instead.

And as for the aptitude testing, for the purposes of this story, the 8ish benchmark works although I certainly wouldn't send my kid off to such things.
 

DeleyanLee

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"Who doesn't want peace? Many would say everyone wants peace, but this gathering of Golda Government officials would belie that fact. Peace at what price though is how they would counter. They were there for one purpose: to see that justice is served and to stop the peace deal with the Humans. It was not a government sanctioned gathering, and the First Minister of the Golda knew nothing about it, as they had intended."

This is more than three sentences specified by the thread, but I do understand why you included the entire speech.

I will preface this with the fact that I don't read Military SF, so my ignorance of the sub-genre might be showing. I'm looking at this as if the cover caught my eye or some friend highly recommended the book.

Sorry, but this doesn't catch or hold my attention. The first sentence had some promise, but I don't have a point of reference for what's going on in the next sentence. No hint of who's speaking, what the "Golda Government" is, or what the conversation is about. Somehow, I get the impression that this is some kind of professor giving a lecture on the topic somewhen in the future, so if that's not what you intended, you might want to look at it again.

Also, the lack of punctuation on this line really threw me:

Peace at what price though is how they would counter.

Even though it's part of dialogue, it's still a direct quote within the dialogue and should be written:

'Peace at what price though?' is how they would counter.

Unless, of course, they've changed the rules of punctuation on me yet again and I didn't notice.
 

tmso_

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Here are my first three lines:

Summer shadows wrapped their humid arms around the small, hunchbacked girl and her stooped warder. Sheltered from the burning Iberian sun under the heavy limbs of an oak tree, the two stood facing each other like bookends to an unfortunate life. The old woman, Tita, was bent with age, her hands deformed and flickering with pain.

And the entire first paragraph:
Summer shadows wrapped their humid arms around the small, hunchbacked girl and her stooped warder. Sheltered from the burning Iberian sun under the heavy limbs of an oak tree, the two stood facing each other like bookends to an unfortunate life. The old woman, Tita, was bent with age, her hands deformed and flickering with pain. The enormous growth on the young girl’s back bulged and shifted as she struggled to face the only mother she knew.

Putting it up here has made me realized how overdone it is. Ug. :(

Back to the drawing board?
 

tmso_

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Who doesn't want peace? Many would say everyone wants peace, but this gathering of Golda Government officials would belie that fact. Peace at what price though is how they would counter. They were there for one purpose: to see that justice is served and to stop the peace deal with the Humans. It was not a government sanctioned gathering, and the First Minister of the Golda knew nothing about it, as they had intended.

Actually, I like it. I would keep reading, but if you kept that style of writing for much longer, I'd probably give up. But, I'd keep reading based on this (mind you, I'm not very well versed in the grammar department, you'll want to get it properly edited, of course).
 

tmso_

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It was supposed to have been a peace offering. But after the forty-minute trip to Townsend listening to something Elizabeth Barons called “the Blues,” Roy was beginning to think it was really a ploy to kill him. Obviously, the method was torture.

I really like the first and last sentence, but the middle is a bit muddled for me. I had to read it twice and I think it has to do with the name 'Elizabeth Barons'. Since you just use Roy and not his last name, I thought Elizabeth Barons was someone I should know. Like she was famous or something. I wonder if you just used Elizabeth? Or said who she was?

But that's just me. If no one else is confused, then forge ahead! :)
 

tmso_

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The day I found Tugor I learned three things: Grass can talk, the sun can frown and there is life on other planets. Let me explain. My name is Kathleena Ann McLaughlin, and I am one half of the Akearman Star legend. But the day I found Tugor, I was just an average seventeen year old that happened to take a nap in Science class.

I agree with everyone else. This is well done. Very enticing. Though I don't read YA, so I would't read past the last sentence, I would probably check it out more so I could recommend it to my nieces or nephews.
 

Caspi

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Summer shadows wrapped their humid arms around the small, hunchbacked girl and her stooped warder. Sheltered from the burning Iberian sun under the heavy limbs of an oak tree, the two stood facing each other like bookends to an unfortunate life. The old woman, Tita, was bent with age, her hands deformed and flickering with pain.

The abundance of adjectives is a chocker! And too many metaphors. Take it easy...
 

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I'll give just the first two..They make up my first paragraph, and the third sentence is a bit lengthy, so I don't want it to look like I'm cheating. :Coffee:

It started with a lightning storm and a pear tree, although, some may tell you it started with a parade, or rather the fact that I missed it. And miss it, I did.
 

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Ok, here goes...

It was so still. So nothingy. So unassuming yet needed and invisible yet needed yet somehow so 'under the radar' of this overcrowded Earth although it seemed to have it's own radar, it's own priorities. It was...
 

Bukarella

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Ok, here goes...

It was so still. So nothingy. So unassuming yet needed and invisible yet needed yet somehow so 'under the radar' of this overcrowded Earth although it seemed to have it's own radar, it's own priorities. It was...

"It was so still" <- passive voice.

The third sentence rambles on, and I have no idea what exactly is so unassuming and still, and all those things you are describing. The planet? Morning? Wind?

"its own radar, and its own priorities"

just trying to help :poke:
 

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"I remember when I first received my invitation to a Top Secret study in 2329. It was more of a demand, really. This was the year that the “Perfectly Constructed” World Government asked me to be one of their test rats. Being an expert in firearms and plasma weapons, they were pretty adamant about my participation"

I was not a first rate English student. So, go easy on judging me.
 
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This is more than three sentences specified by the thread, but I do understand why you included the entire speech.

I will preface this with the fact that I don't read Military SF, so my ignorance of the sub-genre might be showing. I'm looking at this as if the cover caught my eye or some friend highly recommended the book.

Sorry, but this doesn't catch or hold my attention. The first sentence had some promise, but I don't have a point of reference for what's going on in the next sentence. No hint of who's speaking, what the "Golda Government" is, or what the conversation is about. Somehow, I get the impression that this is some kind of professor giving a lecture on the topic somewhen in the future, so if that's not what you intended, you might want to look at it again.

Also, the lack of punctuation on this line really threw me:



Even though it's part of dialogue, it's still a direct quote within the dialogue and should be written:



Unless, of course, they've changed the rules of punctuation on me yet again and I didn't notice.

I'm only a thousand words into and trying to force myself not to do any editing as I go and just write new stuff and edit after I'm done. That being said taking a third look at it I realize how HORRIBLE my grammar was.

This was intended to be not a dialogue, but instead, it is supposed to be the internal monologue of one of the characters. I'm reading the book Rivet Your Readers with Deep Point of View by Jill Elizabeth Nelson and am intending to use that technique for the novel. I was getting stuck on how to get this part across using deep POV and decided to move on with it as is and come back to it and re-write in editing/revising.

This is the next paragraph in the story, where you are beginning to be introduced to who the guy is, "Near the center of the table a tall figure sat near the middle of a conference table. The meeting he had organized was not set to start for another few minutes, someone apparently had already decided to start the discussion. 'Did you hear the latest on negotiations?' One person asked." I will likely merge parts of that second paragraph into the first one in later drafts. That second paragraph had originally been my first paragraph.

For the moment and the rough draft, not a lot of information is going to be given at the beginning, other than the fact that it clear that he is influentual, connected, and powerful. Main reason for that I haven't decided exactly what his job that makes him so connected, influential and powerful.

What grabs different people's attention is different with each person. This is something that would have definitely grabbed my attention had I been someone browsing through a bookstore/library looking for something to read. For example the most memorable opening line I've read personally is the opening line of Tom Clancy's Debt of Honor, "In retrospect, it would seem an odd way to start a war. Only one of the participants knew what was really happening, and even that was a coincidence."

Actually, I like it. I would keep reading, but if you kept that style of writing for much longer, I'd probably give up. But, I'd keep reading based on this (mind you, I'm not very well versed in the grammar department, you'll want to get it properly edited, of course).

See above answer for response to your critic
 

DeleyanLee

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It was so still. So nothingy. So unassuming yet needed and invisible yet needed yet somehow so 'under the radar' of this overcrowded Earth although it seemed to have it's own radar, it's own priorities. It was...

This can set a nice tone, once it's properly punctuated. But, for the moment, don't worry about that if you're still writing and discovering the story. The tone is interesting enough that I'd keep reading to see what you do with it. It wouldn't keep me reading for a full chapter, but you'd get the chance to get things goes in the next couple of paragraphs.

"It was so still" <- passive voice.

No, it is not passive voice. It is declarative and a legitimate use of a to be verb.

Though you are correct with the "its" being possessive and not "it's". Thanks for that. It's one of my personal bugaboos too. :)
 

DeleyanLee

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Summer shadows wrapped their humid arms around the small, hunchbacked girl and her stooped warder. Sheltered from the burning Iberian sun under the heavy limbs of an oak tree, the two stood facing each other like bookends to an unfortunate life. The old woman, Tita, was bent with age, her hands deformed and flickering with pain.

Back to the drawing board?

I wouldn't say so. You have an evocative style. It's nice to see, actually. The world needs more evocative writers, IMO. (I'm not one, but I enjoy reading them.)

You've got a few word mistakes (Sheltered...by the heavy limbs; her hands...flicking with pain), but I liked it. Hope your story lives up to the writing.

It started with a lightning storm and a pear tree, although, some may tell you it started with a parade, or rather the fact that I missed it. And miss it, I did.

If you would say what the "it" is that I missed, then I'd say this would read really well. As is, I'm not sure if I missed the storm, the pear tree or the parade.

Nice start. Keep going.

"I remember when I first received my invitation to a Top Secret study in 2329. It was more of a demand, really. This was the year that the “Perfectly Constructed” World Government asked me to be one of their test rats.

This has me hooked. I'd keep reading. I deleted the last sentence you posted because it was A) the fourth sentence and this thread is for 3 sentences, B) because it's the point where I lost interest, and C) the story became predictable.

There's a hint of a nice voice there, if "Perfectly Constructed" was meant to be snarky. ;)
 

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"Daniel McKinnon decided, watching the ceiling rotating above him, that he hated Tuesdays. As his stomach lurched in time with its spin, he decided also that he hated Wednesdays. And probably Thursdays."
 

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copperbeeches

Is Daniel McKinnon a drunk and what does he have against Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday? I like it. As you can tell, I have questions and concerns about Daniel and whats to become of his life.
 

copperbeeches

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He's an alcoholic, yes, and he's got issues with that particular Tuesday because he's got a nasty hangover. And as a rule he's not so happy with the rest of his life because he's a miserable, self-hating, closeted policeman in Victorian-era London, which was not a great time to be any of those things.

Thank you! :)
 

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"Mackey woke up at 6:30am on a fine Monday morning. It was fine until he wiped the cob webs out of his eyes to see the usual array or better yet disarray of his crew. Pitiful. Really fucking pitiful.
 

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"Galen Winter saw it in the distance, a faint mark of color that fell a subdued shade of red in the grey hues of the Veil. It was moving quickly; the creature galloped towards the town of Bucyrus, now no more than a few miles away. Galen spurred his mount to a faster pace; he had to cut it off before it reached the town, or they'd lose it for sure."
 
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