That shows, huh? I initially started it as a short story, so condensing 5 pages into 1 wasn't easy. Thanks for the feedback. I'll add it to my notes when I edit (I'm in the middle of NaNo).
Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!
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I think Henry should be the body. I rather liked the idea of him being all over the place.
Lol, well, I see the point. But I think then the narrator would probably find him rather fast.
Oh.
I think Henry should be the body. I rather liked the idea of him being all over the place.
I agree that the letters should go first in the list. But don't kill Henry, I'm quite fond of Henry
Here's mine, from a new WIP. I'm not sure if the story in my head is novel length but I can't know until I try.
A red helicopter hung low in the sky. The last time a helicopter sat so long in one location, police had dragged a corpse from the river. Jason watched the retrieval from his scrubby hideaway, nostrils flaring from the stink of putrefaction but bewitched by the sight of the body, all bloated and bruised.
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I agree that the letters should go first in the list. But don't kill Henry, I'm quite fond of Henry
Here's mine, from a new WIP. I'm not sure if the story in my head is novel length but I can't know until I try.
A red helicopter hung low in the sky. The last time a helicopter sat so long in one location, police had dragged a corpse from the river. Jason watched the retrieval from his scrubby hideaway, nostrils flaring from the stink of putrefaction but bewitched by the sight of the body, all bloated and bruised.
I didn't mind this, but I wonder if hung is the right word. Hover?
Thanks,
I know what you mean. It's not quite right but I've swapped hover and hung several times over. What I really want is a word that means hover but doesn't start with h. The alliteration is bothering me. Suggestions welcome
It's funny how some days I can hammer through 3000 words, and other days I go back and forward and back and forward and get a grand total of 26. Today is definitely a 26 kind of day. Probably why I'm back on the forum again!
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I think hung is fine. I didn't notice the alliteration. It's easy to get sensitive to something that most people will never notice.
Well, doing a re-edit of one of my epic fantasy manuscripts before shopping for a beta. Cleaned up the first half again, thought I might as well see how the first three sentences hold up.
“One hundred moons of luck stolen,” Tagaretsu whispered, barely noticing the sword slip from his trembling fingers. ‘Get a hold of yourself,’ he chastised, ‘you never were superstitious. Of course this was before rushing to the aid of an Elven Druid.’
“One hundred moons of luck stolen,” Tagaretsu whispered, barely noticing the sword slip from his trembling fingers. ‘Get a hold of yourself,’ he chastised, ‘you never were superstitious. Of course this was before rushing to the aid of an Elven Druid.’
Overall this is really good. I would keep reading. However, hover is a strange word and I tripped over it when I read it. Maybe the word linger would fit better? I'm also not a fan of "had dragged". Just minor stuff, but overall I like it.
I like! Didn't have a problem with hung either...
But, are police helicopters usually red? I dont know, ours are dark blue I think, but the traffic chopper is red,and our hospital care flight is red. Seems an odd colour for a police helicopter.
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The narrative doesn't say the red helicopter is a police one. But I think you have to read it quite carefully to realise that.
I agree that the letters should go first in the list. But don't kill Henry, I'm quite fond of Henry
Here's mine, from a new WIP. I'm not sure if the story in my head is novel length but I can't know until I try.
A red helicopter hung low in the sky. The last time a helicopter sat so long in one location, police had dragged a corpse from the river. Jason watched the retrieval from his scrubby hideaway, nostrils flaring from the stink of putrefaction but bewitched by the sight of the body, all bloated and bruised.
I would eliminate the first sentence. The second one is a lot more interesting and is more likely to make the reader continue with the story. It says pretty much the same thing as the first sentence as well. I also got hung up on "had dragged".
Daniel Johnson wasn't a man with many morals, which was why it was no trouble at all for him to kill his estranged wife. In fact, it was pathetically easy to lure her out onto the high, remote clifftop, the last pinnacle of land before miles of stunning blue ocean. It was almost poetic really, that he'd chosen such a beautiful place for her to die.
My suggestions
You need to make it clear whether Jason is recalling the time he watched a body being retrieved in the past, or a body being dragged from the river now. I think you're describing an event in the past, so I've made that clearer from the tense.
You need to make it clear whether Jason is recalling the time he watched a body being retrieved in the past, or a body being dragged from the river now. I think you're describing an event in the past, so I've made that clearer from the tense.
I like the opening dialogue (one hundred moons of luck stolen). That's intriguing. I didn't like 'barely noticing' because if he's describing it, then he's noticing it. So just have the sword slip from his trembling fingers. The 'barely noticing' adds nothing but distraction.
You lost me in the second and third lines, because they sound stagey and unreal. Particularly the third line. No one talks like that, particularly to themselves.
I agree that the letters should go first in the list. But don't kill Henry, I'm quite fond of Henry
Here's mine, from a new WIP. I'm not sure if the story in my head is novel length but I can't know until I try.
A red helicopter hung low in the sky. The last time a helicopter sat so long in one location, police had dragged a corpse from the river. Jason watched the retrieval from his scrubby hideaway, nostrils flaring from the stink of putrefaction but bewitched by the sight of the body, all bloated and bruised.
'Hung' doesn't bother me but 'sat' does, because that implies it's parked on the ground. Maybe use 'hover' instead of 'sat.'
I'm not really a reader of fantasy so don't feel I can comment much on this. But what I can say is your first sentence is great because it makes it immediately clear what the genre is. I'm a little confused about what the underlining means. Is that an internal thought?
I do like an opening with a dead body
It may be a style choice, but I think you could cut the word count significantly without altering the story all that much. ( Sorry I don't know how to alter in the quote thus the rewrite below)
eg Daniel Johnson wasn't a man with many morals. It was no trouble at all to kill his estranged wife, to lure her out onto the remote cliff top. He'd chosen a beautiful place for her to die.
Looking back, I can't agree more. I swore I removed each of those pesky -ly words; it tells instead of showing. The internal thought links to the next paragraphs.
Updated version:
“One hundred moons of luck stolen,” Tagaretsu whispered, sword slipping from his trembling fingers. ‘Get a hold of yourself,’ he chastised, fighting to ignore childhood superstitions. Whispered stories of Elves and Druids were difficult to discount when facing one sitting against a tree, bleeding and near unconscious.
"I have to grip the papers tightly, for the wind that tries to take them. One hand holds the few words that changed us, ruined us, the other those that tell that story.
You know the former so let me read you the latter."
Probably doesn't count, the story obviously only starts after that with those ill-crafted words I have yet to edit (first draft):
"Usually when I came home from school you were not there and I went straight to homework.
That way I spent my time more or less usefully, but more importantly it meant that when you would come home later I would not have anything left to do and could spend time with you.
I was happy with that routine, it gave me certainty of how my day would look and the comfort I needed not to be restless whenever I was alone, which was a condition I had grown accustomed to."
You know the former so let me read you the latter."
Probably doesn't count, the story obviously only starts after that with those ill-crafted words I have yet to edit (first draft):
"Usually when I came home from school you were not there and I went straight to homework.
That way I spent my time more or less usefully, but more importantly it meant that when you would come home later I would not have anything left to do and could spend time with you.
I was happy with that routine, it gave me certainty of how my day would look and the comfort I needed not to be restless whenever I was alone, which was a condition I had grown accustomed to."
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Much better, but don't put thoughts in quotes. Those are reserved only for spoken dialogue. And frankly, I would consider cutting that sentence entirely. It's not needed and the story flows better without it:
“One hundred moons of luck stolen,” Tagaretsu whispered, sword slipping from his trembling fingers. Whispered stories of Elves and Druids were difficult to discount when facing one sitting against a tree, bleeding and near unconscious
[FONT="]The search for my son had finished me; I was exhausted, physically and financially. I sat in the driver seat of that old grey Chevy, miserably eating one of those shitty Seven Eleven sandwiches and chasing it with piss warm whiskey. A slow patter of rain began to tap the metal roof above me.[/FONT]
I'd rather learn that the character is exhausted by seeing the evidence rather than being told up front.
Also, I don't know about you, but when I'm in a car, I see the rain on the windshield long before I hear it on the roof.
Otherwise, it's an interesting opener and I'd want to read more.
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