Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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Buffysquirrel

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buffy-Mind if I start a "Post the 1st paragraph of your WIP" thread?

I wouldn't mind, but then it's not my call. What you need to worry about is whether the moderators will mind. And my impression is that they'll tolerate it unless it becomes a critique thread.
 

Buffysquirrel

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Okay, here's mine:


As he rode up the elevator, The Servant closed his eyes and prayed earnestly for success. He prayed for divine protection. He was the Lord's instrument, a mere physical extension of His holy will.

I find this confusing, tbh. If he's merely an extension of God, why does he need to pray to God, ie to something he's part of? It's a bit like your fingers praying to your body.
 

Robert Gonko

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I find this confusing, tbh. If he's merely an extension of God, why does he need to pray to God, ie to something he's part of? It's a bit like your fingers praying to your body.

Point taken. How about this:

"He reminded himself that he was the Lord's instrument, a mere physical extension of His holy will."
 

BethS

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Scratching her left tuft, .

If I picked up a book to read and encountered that phrase cold, I would have no idea what a "left tuft" is. Or a right one, for that matter.

Why is it so important that she be scratching her (hairy?) armpit? Are you trying to make the character repellant?

Because if not, I really have to wonder why you're choosing to open the story this way. How is this serving the story?
 

G. Applejack

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Having fed cattle (NOT something I ever imagined myself doing), the cattle all snorting around the trough makes sense. It wouldn't be a big trough, just the first one. He's going to be putting feed in other troughs, but trust me, ALL the cows are going to head for the first one, and yes, it can be dangerous. The cows, in my experience, are way worse than the bulls.

You do have to open the thing as quickly as possible. They don't give you time to muck around, so while it's not a simultaneous pair of events, hefting the bag and cutting it open happen pretty close together -- if you know what you're doing. This I learned the hard way. ;)

haha. Yes, exactly. I've worked with horses without getting stepped on or terribly hurt for years. First time I had a close encounter with a herd of cattle, I came out with bruises.
 

G. Applejack

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buffy-Mind if I start a "Post the 1st paragraph of your WIP" thread?

I'm no psychic, but I imagine there will be people posting, like, a page worth's of text and calling it one paragraph...


Sorry :eek: Down to 3.

Stephanie arrived at the meeting for St. Ben's athletes. She lumbered toward the seats reserved for hockey players. Scratching her left tuft, she glanced toward the cross country team, noticing a particularly cute one.

It sets the scene, but I wish there was a little more "hook" in there. Nothing cheesy, but it's serviceable rather than interesting.

The 'tuft' reference does intrigue me. Is she... some sort of animal? Animals have tufts of fur.
 

quacktaculaura

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Phoebe slid out from between the cheap, scratchy sheets and studied the snoring lump of flesh that lay sprawled out, naked across the bed beside her. She was glad that he'd fallen asleep. It was always much less awkward to just get dressed and leave when they were sleeping.

That's my current WIP that I just started.
 

Liralen

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Phoebe slid out from between the cheap, scratchy sheets and studied the snoring lump of flesh that lay sprawled out, naked across the bed beside her. She was glad that he'd fallen asleep. It was always much less awkward to just get dressed and leave when they were sleeping.

That's my current WIP that I just started.

;)

Is she, though, "glad," or something more akin to relieved? I'm asking -- since I don't know your character and you do.
 

etv78

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Beth-It's my attempt to show her "butchness". Does it come across as well? I'm guessing not.
 

AlexHurst

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Beth-It's my attempt to show her "butchness". Does it come across as well? I'm guessing not.

This might be a personal question etv78, but are you or is someone you know a lesbian? Be wary of gay-stereotypes. Butch woman with super cute fem, lipstick lesbians, etc... My original thought was not that she was butch but just a sporty tomboy. As a lesbian, I would be severely put off by a cookie cutter butch. Of course I can't tell from the first three sentences whether this is the case or not, but just a word of warning :)
 

etv78

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Alex-I'm a straight man FWIW. Any tips to avoid stereotyping? One of my sister's good friends is a (feminine) lesbian.
 

G. Applejack

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Beth-It's my attempt to show her "butchness". Does it come across as well? I'm guessing not.

My impression is not butch, but that she's coming off as a jaded prostitute and the man in her bed is a John.

Also, seconding what Alex said. Beware of the stereotypes.
 

AlexHurst

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Alex-I'm a straight man FWIW. Any tips to avoid stereotyping? One of my sister's good friends is a (feminine) lesbian.

The best piece of advice I can give is this: sexual orientation should never DEFINE a character. Think about the character like this. 1) If the character was straight, would you be bringing up sexual attraction and certain 'accepted' physical traits (ie, petite cute girl, tuft of hair) so soon in your MS? If not, consider toning it down or deleting it all together. 2) If you took away the focus of the romance/erotica/orientation, what is left to define your character? THAT is what should be in the foreground. A stereotype is a character that can be summed up entirely in a sentence, and no character, especially MCs, should have that quality.
 

kiera

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My current WIP begins with:

I'm going to kill her.

The isolation capsule is small, but it's not soundproof, and I can hear her sobbing somewhere past the white walls.
 

Ctairo

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My current WIP begins with:

I'm going to kill her.

The isolation capsule is small, but it's not soundproof, and I can hear her sobbing somewhere past the white walls.
Hi Kiera,

This opening comes across as one of those tricks agents hate. The first line promises mayhem; the subsequent line would seem to indicate the MC is annoyed.

The second line is a better start.
 

Buffysquirrel

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I'm going to kill her.

The isolation capsule is small, but it's not soundproof, and I can hear her sobbing somewhere past the white walls.

*backs away*

Strong opening. I think however the second sentence would have more impact without 'somewhere past the white walls'.

I'm going to kill her.

The isolation capsule is small, but it's not soundproof, and I can hear her sobbing.

Ending on 'sobbing' is much more powerful to me than ending on 'walls'.
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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"Itched" as a verb is an abomination, and should only be used in dialogue by characters who would use verbs in abominable ways. IM(ever so)HO.

Hold on.... back up there. Using 'itched' when you really mean 'scratched' may be a colloquialism (I do it, and I know many others who do too) BUT... itched is a perfectly cromulent verb in its correct context :D

My bum itched for hours after I sat on an anthill.

No?
 

Sonsofthepharaohs

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Beth-It's my attempt to show her "butchness". Does it come across as well? I'm guessing not.

To me, hairy armpits conveys a certain slovenliness and lack of personal hygiene, not butcheness or sexual orientation. I just figured she's not that bothered about her personal appearance.

(Not to accuse anyone with hairy pits of being a soap-dodger, you understand. I actually have about a week's growth myself right now, but that's because I get horrendous razor burn and so avoid shaving my pits unless I have to put em on display :D)
 

Papaya

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To me, hairy armpits conveys a certain slovenliness and lack of personal hygiene, not butcheness or sexual orientation. I just figured she's not that bothered about her personal appearance.

(Not to accuse anyone with hairy pits of being a soap-dodger, you understand. I actually have about a week's growth myself right now, but that's because I get horrendous razor burn and so avoid shaving my pits unless I have to put em on display :D)
Things may have changed, but I lived in the Netherlands in 1992 and 1993. At that time, nearly all the women had hairy armpits, and it had nothing to do with who showered; it was a cultural difference.

I vividly remember this too, because I went through puberty during that time. Because I spent most of my childhood in the United States -- where nearly all women do shave -- I was grossed out by the hairy pits, and have shaved ever since I left the Netherlands. But given that I have super sensitive skin, I only shave when it is starting to get out of hand. I have no problem displaying or seeing a little hair, but I would never wait for it to start resembling anything close to a "tuft".

ETA:
Beth-It's my attempt to show her "butchness". Does it come across as well? I'm guessing not.

I don't recall ever seeing any woman scratch their armpit hair. That makes me think of baboons rather than women. When I first read the opening, I didn't know what "tuft" was even referring to. I was wondering if it meant scratching one's ass, but the fact that there was a right and left tuft told me it was probably something else.
 
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