The Compleat 'Thorn Forest' (A Gift for AW)

Stew21

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I also, just want to tell you what an amazing gift you are giving us by sharing this here. You do understand that Christmas is going to be quite disappointing now we've opened this beauty early.
 

William Haskins

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thanks for your comments about the last two additions, stew.

they are short, it's true, but transitional and something of a relief to have done as it now opens a new act in the narrative.
 

Stew21

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The varying lengths of each piece fuel the pace of the whole.

How many parts are you anticipating to complete it? Have you gotten that far into the process?
 

Stew21

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This is terrible. I want to read it all right now, but then I would be disappointed when it was finished.

Willy Wonka said it better: "the suspense is killing me; I hope it'll last."
 
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Ol' Fashioned Girl

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William, you convey in ten words what it takes me a thousand to relate - and I don't do it half as well.

I want this in book form to put up on my mantle right next to your other volume. I'll even say 'please'.
 

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William Haskins

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that's the first time i've recorded a poem, so i'm not sure how effective it will be.

a fun experiment though.
 

Cranky

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I already loved this poem (more, please!), but hearing you read it really adds something extra-special.

Thank you, William. I am blown away, and bow down.
 

Ken

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XV is neat :)
Easy to comprehend,
even for a bumpkin like me.

--------------------

:) cool V
 
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Stew21

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Because I think it is really important to do so, I'd like to make some specific comments. I am aiming for something other than, "ooh, aah", that may be a useful learning tool for others, and a really good exercise for me, as a poet, to understanding the finer points as you have so exquisitely displayed them in this poem.
William, I know you blush easily, so please understand that my intention is not to *fangirl* on you. I am, however, holding you up as an example and a source for learning, I would hope aspiring poets would use. We don't call you Absolute Sage for nothing, sir.

Part I - Jacob is not home (audio)

If he could have
he would have
begged his mother
with his newborn
mouth to strangle
him then and there -->
this opening sets tone, rhythm, and intrigue. The word choice of could have/would have lets us know, right away, doesn't it, that this is not a happy thing.
soft shimmering naked
on her belly
and already old. --> Our character is sympathetic, his disposition is known; now we have to read on to find out why. Great opening stanza that is infused with emotion. At least to me, if nothing else, a poem should stir an emotion. It is a beautiful thing when one can grab the goods in the first stanza.

This song would then
be short and over
and you would be home --> this line is the one which asks for the readers' investment. You have it.
and Jacob would be home.

Jacob is not home. --->
because now we have something very much in common with Jacob; none of us are home. A simple thing, with simple words, but powerful. Investing readers is essential, and it sets the anticipation for what is going to happen next. It's the "ok, you have us here tell us more", which is such a trait of storytelling, that it is rare to be handled so quickly and easily in ten words in a poem. Also, we are forced out of our comfort zones, by being told we are not home. Another emotional investment. The reader gets to be on edge. I think the repetition of 'home', is critical to this part. It is pleasing to the ear, (and this is a rare example of your poem's title being a line in the poem, which I think makes this three line bit all the more masterful. We know it's the point now. And I never once felt beat over the head with it.

Instead he drew breath
and suckled and cried
and learned like
any animal learns
ears nipped and angry what really gets me in this stanza is that the poet has drawn a line for us, connected some dots, and we now see Jacob as human animal. This is the promise of character development. It is very visual, too. We've all seen a baby draw first breath, suckle, and cry (regardless of species), so we know what you say is true. Poets, whenever possible, should be reliable narrators, and the poem should feel true.

until supplication like
gray waves of time
washed over him
making long his bones
and teeth

and memory. --->
I like that one modifier suits the bones, teeth and memory, and that each of them use the modifier a bit differently. It's skillful. Particularly a skilled use of common cliché "long in the tooth". I have used this technique before, and liked the result. "sting of phantom needles and bad news".


As a whole, this first poem has a musicality to it. This is something, I think above all the rhymes and "beats" and "feet" and whatever else people measure in poetry, that is hardest to teach yourself or others (though it could be argued that musicality of anything may be a natural talent of some). Words are naturally musical after all; That this poem has that music and remains firmly in a natural speech pattern is impressive. Small words, big picture, At once, we are invited into what promises to be, the very intriguing, and potentially quite sad, world of Jacob. For a short poem, it promises big things. The reader waits for part 2.

Part II - A Boy and His Dog

When he was human --->
another wickedly strong opening line. And the word human, particularly after showing us Jacob as animal, pulls the two poems together.
Jacob ran on hind legs
through untended orchards
sick-sweet with rotting fruit --> there are key adjectives. "sick-sweet", and "untended". Whatever else this place is, we know it isn't cared for - what it produces doesn't matter - it is left to rot, and Jacob is comfortable there. Simple words create a complete setting. Again, it speaks to the truth of it; that sort of universal truth that the readers all know what the poet wants us to see. There is no melodrama. I see that so often (and used to do it, quite often.) :0 This proves how unnecessary that is.

chasing thoughts that cut
before him a path that
never led far enough away
from the house -- all kinds of heartbreaking without the melodrama.


...... that leaned into
...... the setting sun
...... with the roof
...... that leaked
...... into a bucket at his
...... father's calloused feet. --> the rhyme here is very effective in making this bit of it sound a little like a nursery rhyme. In providing a descriptor, we understand why the orchard is untended, and the boy doesn't want to be there.
Also, I like that his feet are calloused. Typically, people who wear shoes don't have callouses on their feet.
There he was
a crouching beast
hungry-thin and beaten -->
and Jacob back to animal. Pulling that thread again, circling back to animal, and in a general sense, closing the loops of what the poet has started, is so important. Sometimes writing poetry is like braiding hair. This over-under-through with human and animal is lovely.
most often found beneath
the porch where
one mosquito-bit evening - and the rhyme/assonance continues throughout the stanza with beast/ beaten /beneath. (all B-words. hooray for alliteration which serves other functions as well). It certainly thickens the poem, in any case.
he uncovered in a
crushed dust-grave - a phrase I've never heard before. One of my favorite things about poetry is when the poet explains something to me in a way I've never heard before, but I get it. I see it, and I can't imagine other words which could have said it better. Word choice, word choice, word choice.
the skull of a dog
bared teeth and bleached

but no skeleton. Again with a close that intrigues, but that braid is at work again, because this so perfectly mirrors the clipped last line of the first poem.


Part III - Family Life

The air hung dead
beneath the boards and
Jacob's sweat dripped
and beaded into mudpie
buttons in the dust. -
again, the perfect phrases for the scene. It not only gives a specific visual of a specific time and place, but gives us a tone, an over-arching "feeling"

But the curses
were muffled there
the violence vague

percussion of a
hostile tribe --
14 clever words and we have a mental state. If nothing else, how to get to the point is evident throughout this work. I also appreciate the violence being vague - and the alliteration is timed perfectly. Muffled/percussion the assonance plays to strong effect here, too. Assonance is one of those very pleasing musical things. good poetry should use a stable of device. Assonance is one which should be used more often.
I like the use of the word "tribe" here too, Jacob and the dog skull as tribe is powerful.

until that night
in the dying light
the savage shriek
and two sharp pops:

perhaps I'm going too deep on this, but I see an allusion to "tribe" with "savage"

Surely it was
books or knick
knacks knocked
to the floor.

Again, these two stanzas are filled with poetic sweets to chew:
Starting with the rhyme of night/light.
Pops/knocked - assonance.
Alliteration with knick knack knocked. In this instance, alliteration speeds our pace, as it should. The pace should be quick here for this particular narrative bit.
Note that throughout these pieces so far, there are very few adjectives. The ones we have are weighty, precise, specific. That's how adjectives should be used in poetry. Sparingly, deliberately, and with an obligation to scene, narrative, and tone. I would strongly suggest never using an adjective to supplement a line for meter. The form shouldn't compromise the function of the poem.

Surely it was
firecrackers
a prank
nothing more.

Surely it was not -
again the narration reads a bit "fairy tale - sing-song, The repetition of Surely does its job quite well, "nothing more" reminds me just enough of Poe to make me happy. And surely it was not is exactly as chilling as it should be.

a mother dead
by a father's hand
a father's head
by a father's hand -
and this rhyme carries that haunting nursery rhyme fairytale (anti-fairytale) feel, while the clipped phrasing provides yet more speed.

and a boy alone
cleaved to the skull of a dog. - back to Jacob, and the scene which opened in Part 2. The weave thickens.

Last one for tonight. I will do more in another post. I hope you don't mind, William. I am quite enjoying diving into this.

Part IV - It Could Have Been Moments, or Hours

Sleep blends
into weeping
when it's
...dark outside
...dark inside.

The softness of the words make them feel as though the are blending and weeping a bit. "Word feel", and by that I mean texture, is elemental to the music of poetry. Repetition with "dark outside/dark inside" carries the weight in this stanza.

Dirt has a way
of swallowing tears
but fears take root
and wind

into a poison
strangling vine.

- this works because we know it's true. I can't say enough how our words in poetry or any sort of fiction have to ring true to our readers. We know it's true, it feels true, we know what fears do, and the poet has worded it in a way that makes it, sadly, foreshadowing for poor orphaned Jacob. In a poem of this length, (the whole) foreshadowing is somewhat necessary - it pulls the reader into the next part. It also works because the dirt and vines pair nicely. If at all possible, give your metaphors something to hold onto. Here, the poet has given his metaphor of vine, some dirt to grow in. Also, winds/vine - again the assonance. I can't recommend it highly enough. Use it.

Also, so far, the use of rhyme is so effective because it isn't over done. The poet rhymes when it serves a specific purpose to pace, texture, and narrative.


I'll start up again with Part V soon. (As long as that's okay with you, William).

Also, if anyone has anything to add to this kind of analysis, please share.
 
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William Haskins

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stew, i don't know what to say so i'm just going to work on the poems.

my deepest gratitude for you caring enough to offer such detailed insights.

it's overwhelming.
 

Stew21

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You are very welcome. It was good for me to do that, so there was a bit of selfish motivation in there. Hopefully it benefits others, too. (And hopefully the microscope didn't horrify you too badly).

In any case, you know i won't complain about more poems. Keep em coming.
 
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MacAllister

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VERY nicely done, Stew. I shall look forward to your future commentary nearly as much as I look forward to William's additional sections.

The reading is both powerful and evocative, by the way, William. Thank you.
 

William Haskins

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no, thank you, mac.

if it wasn't for this place i would have stopped writing poetry years ago.
 

MacAllister

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That's an awfully nice way of saying we nag, nag, nag ya when you're not posting enough poetry.