[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)

morrighan said:

Can I do this again? After a critique of my first chapter by an editor, I've had to scrap that chapter and start with the second, when the action really starts. So here goes:

I took up jogging to kill stop the ticking time bomb inside me - the same bomb that killed my best friend a year ago.

Only 35-years-old, Rosie had died from a pulmonary embolism, a complication from her chronic hypertension. So when my doctor told me that I was pre-hypertensive, I knew I had to do something.

I'm confused about the use of "For" and "from" in this case. "complication OF hypertension" or complication FROM hypertension"?

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Of.

As to the opening, the first line was interesting, but the rest killed the tension for me. For one thing, it reads like a report: too dry and technical. You could just say that Rosie died of a stroke.

But that's beside the point. Or it might be, depending on what the story is really about. Is this a story about the character trying to keep high blood pressure at bay? I'm assuming not, because that's not a particularly interesting premise. So I'm assuming that her jogging is important in some other way--maybe she meets someone while jogging or gets mugged or something. I don't know (obviously). But whatever it's about, I don't think starting it with medical exposition is going to make readers excited about reading it.

snowpea said:

Trying to improve this story

I started drinking when I was twelve. Okay it was more of a sip than a drink. My dad let me have a sip of taste his margarita.

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Edited to remove repetition of "sip."

You've started with backstory. Plenty of fine novels have done that, but it needs to be really compelling and relevant backstory.

snowpea said:

Trying to improve this story

I started drinking when I was twelve. Okay it was more of a sip than a drink. My dad let me have a sip of his margarita.

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Ok, I'm finding this slightly humorous, but as someone said, it's hard to tell from just the three sentences what kind of tone you're going for. After reading these, I have no idea where the story is going.
I'd change one of the 'sip's to something else.
I can't say it particularly grabs me, either, but hopefully the next couple of sentences would do it.

Revision....
I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet just like a strawberry and something warm seeped from my ears down to my toes making me feel a bit sleepy and sick.

And yes this is meant to be a somewhat humorous story! Kind of a dramady.

Hi snowpea, like your earlier version, this feels like it needs some more commas to break up the clauses.

I think it's a good concept and I'd read on, but it would read more smoothly with some extra punctuation.

snowpea said:

Revision....
I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet just like a strawberry, and something warm seeped from my ears down to my toes, making me feel a bit sleepy and sick.

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I like the sensual details. But one sip made her feel sick?

BethS said:

I like the sensual details. But one sip made her feel sick?

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I said this considering her age, but if it doesn't make sense I can change it no problem.

snowpea said:

Revision....
I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet just like a strawberry [insert comma] and something warm seeped from my ears down to my toes [insert comma] making me feel a bit sleepy and sick.

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Agree with Beth -- one sip isn't likely to make her sick.

BethS said:

I don't think starting it with medical exposition is going to make readers excited about reading it.

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I agree with this.

The first sentence is wonderful. It draws me in. I thought it was about depression before reading on. But yeah, I did lose interest with all of the medical terminology. Make it more reader friendly.

BethS said:

You mean she's not actually walking out the door of the gray stone house?

If I were reading this book, I'd be ticked off at discovering that she's really sitting in a library. It's not playing fair with the reader to get them invested in a scenario and then reveal that none of it was true.

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That makes sense. I hadn't thought of that. I initially started off with having her at the library, but it wasn't compelling to me. I didn't enjoy the voice. Her voice shines through this daydream. I don't know how to make it work otherwise.

snowpea said:

I'd like to know more about the cat. That's past three sentences, but I am intrigued here! Also explain her longing (in a word or two) so we know how much she wants it.

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Thanks for your feedback, snowpea. I'll work on revising it.

snowpea said:

I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet just like a strawberry and something warm seeped from my ears down to my toes making me feel a bit sleepy and sick.

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Watch those commas. Also, look for opportunities to make one word do the work of many. Ex:

something warm = warmth
a bit sleepy = drowsy

Perhaps "spread" would work better than "seeped" here, and you can omit "down" in "down to my toes."

Here's one possible revision:

I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet, like a strawberry, and warmth spread from my ears to my toes, making me drowsy and a bit sick.

sooshi said:

That makes sense. I hadn't thought of that. I initially started off with having her at the library, but it wasn't compelling to me. I didn't enjoy the voice. Her voice shines through this daydream. I don't know how to make it work otherwise.

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Trying having her face a real, story-relevant situation instead of daydreaming in the library.

Okay, I'm going to offer this up for a reaction. I know it's a lot of description but what I'm most interested in is your reactions, your feelings

The man sat quietly astride his horse, watching the activity in the camp below. Horse and man could have been carved from a single block of wood as they stood motionless, concealed from view by the beech trees that crested the ridge. Below him there was a large clearing flanked on one side by the stream which flowed swiftly down from the ridge to his left.

snowpea said:

Revision....
I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet just like a strawberry and something warm warmth (?)seeped from my ears down to my toes making me feel a bit sleepy and sick.

And yes this is meant to be a somewhat humorous story! Kind of a dramady.

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So, fresh eyes here. I haven't read any of the following comments. I highlighted the "justs" because they echo each other. The "sleepy and sick" seems like a strong reaction from a sip. I think you could end the sentence at "toes" and keep the tone you are going for. Cute story so far! Keep going!

Peter Kenson said:

Okay, I'm going to offer this up for a reaction. I know it's a lot of description but what I'm most interested in is your reactions, your feelings

The man sat quietly astride his horse, watching the activity in the camp below. Horse and man could have been carved from a single block of wood as they stood motionless, concealed from view by the beech trees that crested the ridge. Below him there was a large clearing flanked on one side by the stream which flowed swiftly down from the ridge to his left.

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For some reason to me, the italicized parts felt like they repeated each other. My reaction is this is a paragraph my eyes would lightly skip over looking for the action. This is me personally... and don't feel offended because I've done it to Stephen King too.

Peter Kenson said:

The man sat quietly astride his horse, watching the activity in the camp below. Horse and man could have been carved from a single block of wood as they stood motionless, concealed from view by the beech trees that crested the ridge. Below him there was a large clearing flanked on one side by the stream which flowed swiftly down from the ridge to his left.

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The description was pretty good up until that blue part. I felt it was too much at that point.

There's nothing wrong with this, but I would hope action is coming very soon. I can feel something stirring. In fact, I can feel it coming in the air tonight.

Yes...I also have Phil Collins on.

Peter Kenson said:

Okay, I'm going to offer this up for a reaction. I know it's a lot of description but what I'm most interested in is your reactions, your feelings

The man sat quietly astride his horse, watching the activity in the camp below. Horse and man stood as thoughcould have been carved from a single block of wood as they stood, motionless, concealed from view by the beech trees that cresting the ridge. Below him, there was a large clearing was flanked on one side by the fast-flowing/running/throbbing/pounding/trickling stream.

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I really like the imagery, but I would like it in fewer words. The man and horse carved from a single block is delightful.

Peter Kenson said:

Okay, I'm going to offer this up for a reaction. I know it's a lot of description but what I'm most interested in is your reactions, your feelings

The man sat quietly astride his horse, watching the activity in the camp below. Horse and man could have been carved from a single block of wood as they stood motionless, concealed from view by the beech trees that crested the ridge. Below him there was a large clearing flanked on one side by the stream which flowed swiftly down from the ridge to his left.

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Well, it is very static. What's the purpose behind opening this way? At least put us inside the character's head.

If I had picked this up to read, I'd be skimming. And you don't want readers skimming anywhere in the book, but particularly not your opening page.

Interesting. Firstly thank all of you for the crits. Secondly, because most of you said pretty much the same thing, I will have to concede that you're right.

I don't want to lose the description (well not all of it anyway) but I can push it down the page. Obviously what I need to put in after the first sentence, is what the man was watching down in the camp.

Thanks again. If we were in the pub, I'd stand a round of drinks for that.

Peter Kenson said:

Obviously what I need to put in after the first sentence, is what the man was watching down in the camp.

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Yes. Way more interesting.

snowpea said:

Revision....
I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet just like a strawberry and something warm seeped from my ears down to my toes making me feel a bit sleepy and sick.

And yes this is meant to be a somewhat humorous story! Kind of a dramady.

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Margarita's aren't sweet and they don't taste like strawberries.

snowpea said:

Revision....
I had my first drink when I was twelve. Just a sip of my dad’s margarita. It was sweet just like a strawberry and something warm seeped from my ears down to my toes making me feel a bit sleepy and sick.

And yes this is meant to be a somewhat humorous story! Kind of a dramady.

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I'm no bartender, but aren't margaritas sour because they're made of lime juice? Other than that disconnect, I like this and would keep reading.

PandaMan said:

I'm no bartender, but aren't margaritas sour because they're made of lime juice? Other than that disconnect, I like this and would keep reading.

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I don't drink anymore because of meds I take, and when I did I usually only drank beer, so thanks for the heads up. I was told margaritas can be sweet, but I'll look for another sweet drink a man would be drinking.