Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

Papaya said:

"The gathering hall was filled with voices as the last of the Clan of the Bright settled themselves. Aletta surveyed the crowd from her seat at the elder's table. She waited for the babble of voices to fall away before beginning the meeting."

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Does "the last of the Clan of the Bright" mean that these are the sole remaining members of said clan? Or does it merely refer to the last ones of that clan to seat themselves? That ambiguity caused me to pause and ponder, which is not a good thing.

Crowd scenes are a challenge to write at the best of times and starting with one can be tricky. Meetings are inherently boring as well, so I would say that this one had best be about something so intriguing it will beg me to turn the page. And that means the very next line had best be a grabber.

eqb said:

The old records say that Duenne's University was born from a philosophical debate begun in a wine shop. According to those histories, two elderly scholars disagreed whether our lives were governed by fate or free will. The argument continued over a half dozen jugs of wine, attracting an ever-larger audience, including the shop's owner, who kept his establishment open far beyond the usual hour.

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This has potential. I don't mind a story that opens with a summary, as long as it's interesting and makes me want to read more.

RRK said:

My current WiP:

"He stepped down from the helicopter before the guards could shove him out. The ground was crunchy and unpaved. Cold, too, the kind of cold that seeped up through the rubber soles of his sneakers and lodged in the bones of his feet."

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Nothing to complain about here. I would keep reading.

dkamin said:

I really like the voice and it's a great beginning, I would keep reading. If you wanted me to get nit picky, the only suggestion would be to take out suddenly, not because it is an adverb, but because from what I have read, it doesn't seem to fit (maybe the next few paragraphs would make it work though).

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Yeah, I agree. I'd already noted that myself. I left it in here but it'll probably be removed. Unless, as you say, any surrounding text makes it work.

"If I could have, I would have stayed home from school today. Spending the day as I had the entire Winter Break, in bed for most of the day in my pajamas watching my favorite TV shows and reading corny novels, would have been my first choice. Spending it anywhere but Westfield High School would have been my second choice."

jennarielly said:

"If I could have, I would have stayed home from school today. Spending the day as I had the entire Winter Break, in bed for most of the day in my pajamas watching my favorite TV shows and reading corny novels, would have been my first choice. Spending it anywhere but Westfield High School would have been my second choice."

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First sentence: I think you can just use "stayed home" or "[skipped/from] school" but don't need both.

The snippet seems YA, but it lacks a YA voice so far, especially the second sentence. I'd suggest you try rearranging it, stress a personal feel, see how it works. Or maybe even split the long sentence into shorter and blunter ones.

jennarielly said:

"If I could have, I would have stayed home from school today. Spending the day as I had the entire Winter Break, in bed for most of the day in my pajamas watching my favorite TV shows and reading corny novels, would have been my first choice. Spending it anywhere but Westfield High School would have been my second choice."

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I think the idea of starting here is sound. I'm not sure however that these sentences are doing what's needed in terms of drawing the reader in. They're not about what the narrator is doing but about what they're not doing, which is never as interesting.

jennarielly said:

"If I could have, I would have stayed home from school today. Spending the day as I had the entire Winter Break, in bed for most of the day in my pajamas watching my favorite TV shows and reading corny novels, would have been my first choice. Spending it anywhere but Westfield High School would have been my second choice."

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The last sentence implies that the MC doesn't like Westfield High School and, coincidentally, is the only sentence that really draws the attention!

Is there a way that you could start with something like that and then put the other info later in the chapter?

"I wasn't in the mood to waste another day with those snobs and sluts at Westfield High, so I skipped school."

Something like that, maybe, then tell us how he/she spent her day if you must.

Awesome ideas! Thanks guys for the help!

Thank you so much for the taking the time to critique my opening paragraph. It just goes to show how valuable it is to get a fellow writers opinion. I am referring to the last of the clan to seat themselves, and I will be taking your advice and changing it so that it is clear and does not trip my reader up on the very first line.

As far as the opening scene being a meeting, I have been tempted to scrap it a number of times, and I have rewritten it more times than I can count. The thought of doing so again is not an appealing one. The problem is, my readers love it. The opening scene, called, "The Gathering", sets the stage for the opening chapter and really for the entire book. Yes, it is a meeting, but not an ordinary one. Based on the feedback I have been given, this scene is very intriguing and does what I wanted it to do which is hook the reader. I obviously do need to rewrite the opening paragraph, and if nothing else ditch the ambiguity and avoid the word "meeting". It is amazing how much work 934 words can require!

BethS said:

Does "the last of the Clan of the Bright" mean that these are the sole remaining members of said clan? Or does it merely refer to the last ones of that clan to seat themselves? That ambiguity caused me to pause and ponder, which is not a good thing.

Crowd scenes are a challenge to write at the best of times and starting with one can be tricky. Meetings are inherently boring as well, so I would say that this one had best be about something so intriguing it will beg me to turn the page. And that means the very next line had best be a grabber.

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Before posting this, I deleted a few redundant lines. I'm not terribly fond of this, but the hit is in the 5th line where it is revealed that the narrator is his half-sister.

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. He was a terrible person- just like his dad. Although Sam did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted.

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ccarver30 said:

Before posting this, I deleted a few redundant lines. I'm not terribly fond of this, but the hit is in the 5th line where it is revealed that the narrator is his half-sister.

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It was half intriguing, but there is still something missing. I really can't put my finger on it, but I want more (maybe it's because that kind of statement , i.e. he's dead and I'm glad because he was an a-hole, is kinda cliche and well, eh). I think just shaping up the sentences a little would help too, because despite what I said, I could see this working if it was worded differently.

Slight side note, journeycake really came off as odd to me, but that is just personal preference so take it with a grain of salt.

ccarver30 said:

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. He was a terrible person- just like his dad. Although Sam did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted.

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I don't think you need the second sentence. It would work as:

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. Although Sam he did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted.

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(I can see you're trying to avoid the ambiguity of 'growing up with his father' but I'm not sure how big a problem it is compared to the wordiness. Maybe 'Although he wasn't brought up by his father'?)

ccarver30 said:

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. He was a terrible person- just like his dad. Although Sam did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted.

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I think I share your feeling. I like the first sentence. And there's nothing wrong per se with the following ones, which expand and elaborate the opening line. But they are just, somehow, flat. Do you have something more evil, solid, hints, examples, that can be inserted there so we can relate and be happy about Sam's demise?

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. He was a terrible person, just like his dad. Although Sam did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted.

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The concept is punchy, but the writing isn't quite getting there for me. I think you just need to take out some words. I actually don't think we need to know that he grew up without his dad at this point, just that the people in this family are bad news.

(Please excuse my taking liberties with your work!)

Sam Journeycake was dead, and I was glad. The Journeycake blood ran deep, and if they had to step on others to get what they wanted, all the better.

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Or something. Less is more with this, I think. He's an asshole, and so is everyone in his family.

ccarver30 said:

Before posting this, I deleted a few redundant lines. I'm not terribly fond of this, but the hit is in the 5th line where it is revealed that the narrator is his half-sister.

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. He was a terrible person- just like his dad. Although Sam did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted.

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What this lacks is punch. And what would give it punch is specificity. Why, specifically, is Sam a terrible person? Stepping on others to get his way is not interesting. What did he do that was so awful?

The father is not really the important part here. Get rid of him--he appears to be just a reason for not talking about Sam and the reader can always learn about him later--and focus on Sam.

I'm glad we all feel the same way about this.
Journeycake is a Native American name. I ran across it and found it odd too- that's why I like it.

Maybe the context comes out better when the next lines are revealed- but that defeats the purpose of this thread.

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. He was a terrible person- just like his dad. Although Sam did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted. It was the “selfish gene”, I called it.
I was glad it skipped me.
Sam was my brother.

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Mayhap this information could be revealed sooner e.g. in the first 3 sentences?

Ehh... Even with the context, I think it’s still missing that something, you know?

Also, repeating “I was glad” again so soon after the first time is a bit noticeable. The last line with the narrator mentioning the bit about being related seems to come out of nowhere. It doesn’t seem like it’s connected to the previous lines, even though I can see how it would follow logically with the mention of the a-hole genes skipping the narrator.

I think it would have more impact if you did start with the blood connection.
For example: “Sam Journeycake was my brother, and I was glad he was dead.”

I agree that you might not need to have the bits about the father in here. Just focus on Sam being a jerk and the narrator herself for these first few lines.

& I would totally continue reading just for the Journeycake name

Hmm, how about this?

Sam Journeycake was my brother, and I was glad he was dead. Well, he was my half-brother. Our father not only womanized, but would marry any broad that fancied him and knock up the new “love of his life” immediately.

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The third sentence is a little clunky. It is the only sentence about their sucky dad now though. I love the word "broad". lol

Maybe - Our father married any broad he knocked up. God knew how many marriages were actually legit.

ccarver30 said:

Hmm, how about this?

Sam Journeycake was my brother, and I was glad he was dead. Well, he was my half-brother. Our father not only womanized, but would marry any broad that fancied him and knock up the new “love of his life” immediately.

The third sentence is a little clunky. It is the only sentence about their sucky dad now though. I love the word "broad". lol

Maybe - Our father married any broad he knocked up. God knew how many marriages were actually legit.

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I like it until you go off on a tangent about their father in the third sentence. You started off with her brother being dead, and her being glad. Then you said he was only her half brother, which expands a little on the first sentence, implying a reason why they weren't close. But why do we need to know, at this point, HOW or WHY they are only half siblings? Does this further explain the reasons why she's glad he's dead? Surely the fact that he was an asshole needs to come next, otherwise it looks like the reason she's glad he's dead is because their father was a womaniser, and that makes no sense.

So, listen to what a dozen people are telling you and ditch the father - for now. You can bring it up later, but right now my interest lies with answering the question of why she's glad her brother's dead.

ccarver30 said:

I'm glad we all feel the same way about this.
Journeycake is a Native American name. I ran across it and found it odd too- that's why I like it.

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Fwiw, I like it.

I was glad Sam Journeycake was dead. He was a terrible person- just like his dad. Although Sam did not grow up with his father in his life, it seemed to be in the Journeycake blood to step on others in order to get what you wanted. It was the “selfish gene”, I called it.
I was glad it skipped me.
Sam was my brother.

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Based on this, I'm not so sure it did skip him or her.

Everyone is selfish to one extent or another. Selfish is not interesting and this is still too generic. I repeat what I said earlier: go for specifics. And get to the point faster. Maybe start with something like this:

Sam Journeycake was my brother. He was dead and I was glad.

Or it might sound better this way:

Sam Journeycake was my brother. He's dead now and I'm glad.

It can shift back to past tense when the character starts telling the story.

At any rate, now a question has been raised. Now I want to read on to find out why the character is glad his/her brother is dead.

ETA: I see you posted another version.

Sam Journeycake was my brother, and I was glad he was dead. Well, he was my half-brother. Our father not only womanized, but would marry any broad that fancied him and knock up the new “love of his life” immediately.

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It's fine until the third sentence. We don't care about the father at this point. We care about Sam and his sibling.

You don't have to explain everything right away. Just get on with the story.

ccarver30 said:

Hmm, how about this?

The third sentence is a little clunky. It is the only sentence about their sucky dad now though. I love the word "broad". lol

Maybe - Our father married any broad he knocked up. God knew how many marriages were actually legit.

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It’s better, but I think the entire part with the father should be removed entirely.

You need to bring back the explanation of why the narrator didn’t like Sam. You had it in your first version (“the selfish gene”), but you’ve entirely discarded it here in favor for a line about the father. As a reader, I want to know why she’s glad Sam is dead!

For example, something like this:
“Sam Journeycake was my brother, and I was glad he was dead. He was my half-brother, actually, and he was a self-centered prick who would happily step on others to get what he wanted. I liked to call that particular trait of his the “selfish gene” blah blah blah.”

Except, you know, written in your character’s voice and not mine.

Ok- good bye dad altogether! Thanks everyone.

On a quiet, ordinary suburban street, a nondescript black van packed full of electronic gear hummed as the agents inside monitored the surroundings of the Dortmore house. Inside the house a short, slightly plump woman with brown hair and blue skin peaked out at the van.
“Stupid earthlings, they don’t even know I’m an alien also,” Julia whispered to herself.

Fabor said:

On a quiet, ordinary suburban street, a nondescript black van packed full of electronic gear hummed as the agents inside monitored the surroundings of the Dortmore house. Inside the house a short, slightly plump woman with brown hair and blue skin peaked out at the van.
“Stupid earthlings, they don’t even know I’m an alien also,” Julia whispered to herself.

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Hmm, I think this is another opening that needs purging of adjectives. Try it again without any of them. Then look at which noun in each sentence would most benefit from additional description. Maybe it's the van. Maybe it's the house. Or the woman. Try to choose adjectives that evoke rather than describe.

'Peaked' should be 'peeked' btw.