Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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BethS

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The sharp pinch of the needle was followed by the warm, comfortable feeling of the A-Bomb now making its way through Enrique Moltke’s veins. He fell back into his seat as the syringe pulsed with the beat of his heart. Outside the dew began to fall. Noises and shadows melted into a continuous sensation that Enrique rode like some dead mariner on a haunted sea.

Nice imagery there, but...

If Enrique is about to die, why are we starting in his POV? Why not start in the POV of your protagonist?
 

BethS

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Here's mine

The waters of the Star Sea are amongst the most beautiful sights in all of Shebulba. Crystal clear and permeated by Muse Orbs, they radiate a soft glow. At night it is difficult to differentiate between the gold and blue auras from the sea and the stars in the sky.

Pretty, but it sounds like the opening of a documentary. There's no conflict, no character with a problem, no story.
 

BethS

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My edit: Children who are loved have homes; foster kids have caseworkers and temporary living quarters. And foster kids who have hallucinations get locked up. The thought of moving again made Evie Case queasy, but not because she was leaving home. 123 Rogers Parkway had been her address. It had never been her home. It was the hallucinations.


Consider cutting everything before this, and start here:

The thought of moving again made Evie Case queasy, but not because she was leaving home. 123 Rogers Parkway had been her address. It had never been her home. It was the hallucinations.

The only thing about that is--I don't know what is meant by "It was the hallucinations." "It" is ambiguous. Maybe it should be something like "She only lived there because of the hallucinations."
 

starlina

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Typical that the very first thing James would do upon arriving in New Orleans is hit a kid on a bike. The boy’s round eyes lock with his for an instant. Two sets of tires squeal trying to stop the inevitable. (The word inevitable closes possibilities - if you leave the prospect open as to what might be, the reader experiences suspense. It becomes a prospective danger.)[/QUOTE]

I agree with Bing Zabriskie, the third sentence symbolizim is brilliant. Love it, but Bing is right about the rest too.

So I've taken liberties - probably way out of line and I apolozise if I am stamping on toes. And heaven knows, I'm a new writer and learning as I go. But it was so much fun, I couldn't resist. Forgive me if I've overstepped.


James had been blessed with lots of luck, but lately it had all been bad. His arrival in New Orleans typified his increasing shitty misfortunes. The very first thing, some boy on a bike runs out in front of him. In one split second, his eyes locked with the kid’s and James found himself staring into a pair of round eyes ringed like the set of whitewall wheels on his car. He slammed on his breaks, imaging the kid did the same, praying to Jesus, the squeals would stop the collision in time. Can’t rock the super star incognito bit with a dead boy under your wheels.
 
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William K Elliott

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Nice imagery there, but...

If Enrique is about to die, why are we starting in his POV? Why not start in the POV of your protagonist?

That is a very good question.

My reasons are as follows:

A little research has shown that leading with the main protagonist in an action/crime novel frequently does not work well. Many very successful action/crime novels lead with a crime. In this case, I am leading with the crime that sets everything in motion.

The protagonist's main struggle is against the gang, and more specifically, José. Four of the five main characters end up in this man's crosshairs by the end of the book.

So that's a brief summary of my reasoning. I've rewritten the intro several times, sometimes leading with my main protagonist, sometimes not. The ones that start out with the protagonist just don't feel right to me. I think this intro will, in the end, hold up. We'll see what an editor says if I get lucky enough have a publisher interested though. I've been wrong before!

Thanks for the input! Any comments are welcomed and appreciated!

Bill
 

starlina

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The opening lines of 'The Inheritance'


It didn't take Sam Harman more than a minute to decide that being fired sucked.
As the security guard escorted him to the front door Sam did his best to ignore the stares. He didn't blame people for looking surprised.


I like it. It was consise, informative, and the last line peaked my interest. Yes, I've decided - I need to know why they didn't look surprised.
 

starlina

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Consider cutting everything before this, and start here:

The thought of moving again made Evie Case queasy, but not because she was leaving home. 123 Rogers Parkway had been her address. It had never been her home. It was the hallucinations.

The only thing about that is--I don't know what is meant by "It was the hallucinations." "It" is ambiguous. Maybe it should be something like "She only lived there because of the hallucinations."


Yes, I see what you mean. The word 'it' is ambiguous. Rewrite!

Coffee is finished brewing and waiting. Gotta go write, back later.
 

StephanieZie

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So James would typically hit a kid when he arrives in New Orleans. It doesn't necessary mean this time James will hit a kid. However, the second sentence implies he has met his victim. The transition is too fast too furious IMHO.

The third sentence is part brilliant in that it uses tires to symbolize the sentiments but this usage also gets you into trouble. Now it's the tires (not the kid) trying to get away from the beating, and in fact, you've foretold the outcome--inevitable.

Hmmm, maybe not typical, maybe "Just his luck" is the phrase I was looking for. The original first sentence does make it a little ambiguous, there's not supposed to be any question that he's going to hit the kid. Does that take the tension out of it? You think I should drag out the crash a little more in a "will they or won't they?" thing?

Typical that the very first thing James would do upon arriving in New Orleans is hit a kid on a bike. The boy’s round eyes lock with his for an instant. Two sets of tires squeal trying to stop the inevitable. (The word inevitable closes possibilities - if you leave the prospect open as to what might be, the reader experiences suspense. It becomes a prospective danger.)

I agree with Bing Zabriskie, the third sentence symbolizim is brilliant. Love it, but Bing is right about the rest too.

If I'm understanding correctly, you and Bing both suggested I should drag the crash out more and build more tension, so I think I'll give that a try.

So I've taken liberties - probably way out of line and I apolozise if I am stamping on toes. And heaven knows, I'm a new writer and learning as I go. But it was so much fun, I couldn't resist. Fogive me if I've overstepped.


James had been blessed with lots of luck, but lately it had all been bad. His arrival in New Orleans typified his increasing shitty misfortunes. The very first thing, some boy on a bike runs out in front of him. In one split second, his eyes locked with the kid’s and James found himself staring into a pair of round eyes ringed like the set of whitewall tires on his car. He slammed on his breaks, imaging the kid did the same, praying to Jesus, the squeals would stop the collision in time. Can’t rock the super star incognito bit with a dead boy under your wheels.

I like it! It doesn't quite fit the tone I'm going for, but the things in orange I think I could work in, and the first and last sentences are brilliant.

Thanks for the crit, both to you, starlina, and Bing :)
 

WriteMinded

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Here are the first three lines of my piece. I'm going to nose around the thread for awhile, see if I can contribute something. I am open to all critics. I have an extra thick skin. After all, I can't learn a thing if I'm coddled.


Children who are loved have homes; foster kids have caseworkers and temporary living quarters. And foster kids who have hallucinations get locked up. Evie was most assuredly not loved and the thought of moving again made her queasy, but not because she was leaving home.
I vote with William K Elliott.
 

Buffysquirrel

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Children who are loved have moms, dads, pets, homes. Foster kids have foster care, caseworkers, and temporary living quarters. Foster kids who have hallucinations, they get locked up.

To me this reads like an agenda, not a story. If this is Evie's view of the world, I think we need her up front, telling us so. If it's the author's agenda, then I suppose at least I've been warned :).
 

BethS

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Many very successful action/crime novels lead with a crime. In this case, I am leading with the crime that sets everything in motion.

The protagonist's main struggle is against the gang, and more specifically, José.

OK. But in that case, why not start with Jose's POV? Enrique is going to die almost immediately. Why bother putting us in his head?

I guess my point is: start with a character who matters, even if it's not the protagonist.
 

starlina

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To me this reads like an agenda, not a story. If this is Evie's view of the world, I think we need her up front, telling us so. If it's the author's agenda, then I suppose at least I've been warned :).


No agenda, just need a archetype heroine who has no ties.
 

starlina

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If I'm understanding correctly, you and Bing both suggested I should drag the crash out more and build more tension. :)


That is what I am saying. Drag it out, make the reader feel. You can still squash the kid like road kill. (Sentence, not meant to offend - I don't condon hitting kids with anything - have my own, you know.)
 

William K Elliott

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OK. But in that case, why not start with Jose's POV? Enrique is going to die almost immediately. Why bother putting us in his head?

I guess my point is: start with a character who matters, even if it's not the protagonist.

Because I don't want to reveal too much about José yet. To put the reader in José's head would mean either a) he will learn too much of José's reasons and motives, or b) I will have to withhold information that would be obvious to anything written in José's POV (I think this would come across as dishonest on the part of the writer).

Again, there are many very successful action/crime authors that do this (J.D. Robb, Michael Crichton, Stephen King, to name but a few).

This is not a justification as much as it is me revealing some of my own research and thoughts. If you disagree, please feel free to voice such reasons as you see fit.

Thanks again!
Bill
 

Gynn

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Well My WIP has a prologue and the first 3 sentances is
The cool yet eerie mountain wind blew through the nearly dead trees in a silent forest. Deep within the forest, an abandoned mansion stood. It was most likely a three hour walk from any town or city.

I'm not a fan of "nearly" and "likely". They're too wishy-washy, and I often have to seek them out and kill them in my own WIP. How about: "The cold mountain wind howled through the dead trees."

Eerie is better shown than told. Why is the wind eerie?

The prologue is very important to the story so I always count it as the first chapter though if I showed the first 3 sentences of chapter 1 it would be:

Gilbert, Jessica, Isabella and Mary stood in front of the old abandoned mansion, a small pond with crystal clear water and absolutely no fish in it was to the left of them, a row of dead leafless trees was around them, and several piles of busted up rocks were scattered about. The dirt driveway leads all the way up to the double wood front doors. The windows were all nailed shut or metal bars covered it. There appeared to be four floors to the home, and only one way in or out.
I would change the first line to say "The Girls stood..." instead of listing their names. You can sprinkle their names throughout the following paragraphs or in conversations. As far as the scenery, try having them explore the area rather than listing what they see, otherwise it seems more like a screenplay!
 

BethS

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Because I don't want to reveal too much about José yet. To put the reader in José's head would mean either a) he will learn too much of José's reasons and motives, or b) I will have to withhold information that would be obvious to anything written in José's POV (I think this would come across as dishonest on the part of the writer).

Not necessarily (depends on how it's handled), but I get your point.

Bottom line, you can do anything as long as it works. So...just make it work. :)
 

William K Elliott

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Not necessarily (depends on how it's handled), but I get your point.

Bottom line, you can do anything as long as it works. So...just make it work. :)

Thank you very much! I really appreciate the exchange.

Oh, I also like your blog! Mind if I put a link to it on my own?

Bill
 

Robert Gonko

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Okay, here are the first three sentences from my current project, 'The Leviticus Enforcer.' Bear in mind that this is first draft material.

"The Servant waited silently in the shadows as the two men got out of the cab and went up to the apartment building's front door. Even at this distance he could hear their laughter. He was surprised they made it that far on their own, they were obviously drunk. "
 

BethS

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Thank you very much! I really appreciate the exchange.

Oh, I also like your blog! Mind if I put a link to it on my own?

Bill

Sure! Although I'm not great at keeping it updated. Guess I'd better get busy and post something...
 

William K Elliott

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Okay, here are the first three sentences from my current project, 'The Leviticus Enforcer.' Bear in mind that this is first draft material.

"The Servant waited silently in the shadows as the two men got out of the cab and went up to the apartment building's front door. Even at this distance he could hear their laughter. He was surprised they made it that far on their own, they were obviously drunk. "

First off, Kudos on letting your inner author out!

I think it's a bit too much tell, and not enough show. I played around with it a bit (having no idea if what I wrote fits in with your story), and came up with something like this:

The Servant crouched behind the low row of hedges, safely in the shadows. As headlights swung across the drive, he pressed himself tighter to the wall. Two men got out of the cab and staggered their way to the apartment building's front door. Their voices were loud, and their laughter echoed off the surrounding buildings.

YMMV and all that.

Bill
 

Liralen

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I seem to gravitate toward character-driven stories, where there's an emotional investment in them when whatever happens, happens.

There are two main projects I've got going right now, both worlds apart. This is the one that's taking precedence -- for now, anyway.

The Black Dog Dialogues

“The road goes ever on . . .”

I read The Hobbit back when I was a freshman in college.

It was one of the things you did, along with being artistically shaggy and studiously disheveled, avoiding any semblance of what anyone over thirty would consider responsible behavior. You majored in liberal arts, lived in one of the apartments subdividing what had been, once upon a time, a gracious, bourgeois turn of the century house; the layers of bygone wallpaper now painted over with dark blue, purple or black, embellished with fluorescent neon-hued blacklight posters. There was a mattress in the corner on the floor -- no box, mismatched disarrayed sheets tattooed with body fluids semi-obscured by an Indian throw tossed carelessly on top. The social hub of the room was a low table littered with roaches and clips, overflowing ashtrays, small oddly shaped pipes, packets of JOB papers and a bong or two reeking of stagnant, gunky water.
 

Bing Z

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"The Servant waited silently in the shadows as the two men got out of the cab and went up to the apartment building's front door. Even at this distance he could hear their laughter. He was surprised they made it that far on their own,<use semi-colon or em-dash or full stop> they were obviously drunk. "

Since the servant "was surprised" I assume he is the protag or MC at least in this scene. I'm not a fan of introducing an MC w/o a name but you may have a reason to, which will be unfolded later. 3 sentencees aren't that much.

"Obviously drunk" will be more appreciated if you've established it in action, for example, instead of "went up" you'd write "staggered up" or something to the "drunk" effect.
 

Robert Gonko

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Since the servant "was surprised" I assume he is the protag or MC at least in this scene. I'm not a fan of introducing an MC w/o a name but you may have a reason to, which will be unfolded later. 3 sentencees aren't that much.

"Obviously drunk" will be more appreciated if you've established it in action, for example, instead of "went up" you'd write "staggered up" or something to the "drunk" effect.
Thanks for the feedback. Like I said, this is first draft material so I'm sure I'll be changing it. Also, I don't want to reveal who the Servant is too early in the story but I will say that he's the villain. What you see here is the prelude to a double homicide.
 
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