Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

I guess I'm one of the posters you're talking about, Wanderlust. You're assuming that I've never given extensive critiques or received harsh ones before because I'm new to this particular site.

I thank you for your first crit. Your second crit lecturing me on what.a.plot.is with alternating CAPS to provide EMPHASIS was a tad condescending, but your crit to Davarian's work was just...well. Criticizing the other critiquers' posts as "coddling" was also condescending.

I made a post too early that turned out to be one of those noob things that annoys regulars, and I apologize. I regret posting that. I'll do my best to help others out with their work and won't post my own.

Davarian said:

Cassie felt a surge of excitement how did she feel it? a rise in her throat? pounding heart? sweating? a she stepped in through the pure white metal platinum? chrome? door of the wealthiest building in New York for the last time. I almost overlooked this "for the last time" because my attention is all over the imagery and what it means. Her high heels, which she only wore on the best of occasions due to the horrid bruising that it caused on her toes, Horrid bruising doesn't fit in with the sense of elegance I think you're trying to achieve. If you're trying to hint at something, it's not working. made not even the faintest sound on the elegant and sophisticated how is it elegant and sophisticated? I'm confused as to whether it's hard floor or carpeted. The receptionist was there, as always, swiveled around in her large circular white desk from monitor to monitor, making vague phone calls on her microscopic headset.

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Your biggest problem is describing things instead of showing them with concrete words. It's the whole show vs. tell thing, look for advice about avoiding adjectives and adverbs. I think your description of the headset worked because it's an amusing way to say fancy headset.

BethS said:

I really like the line about the toxic thoughts, but the rest is a little confusing. A cloud is like a hair? Shaped like an anvil?

One good metaphor or simile is generally sufficient to carry the day. I know you're going for an extended metaphor, but it's not quite working.

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Anvil is a neat type of storm cloud. The latin name literally means anvil. But that's zero for two, so it's probably not common knowledge like it thought it was. It doesn't matter anyway, it's redundant and confusing.

Thanks for your help, your post was the nail in the coffin for that particular opening scene. I'm starting with a later one, though I think I'll salvage the toxic thoughts thing.

Jamiekswriter said:

Here's mine:

Where were you when the magic hit and all the girl dragons boomed into being? OK I guess technically the term is “shifted.” I suppose it would have been a lot more fun if I was in a park with no one around. But I was working late at my desk typing up a stupid expense report and . . . well BOOM fits a lot more than shifted.

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Interesting first line. "Girl dragon" combines the idea of a little girl with a fierce dragon. If you want your dragons little-girlish, that's fine, but just to let you know that's how it reads to me.

I think the rest of it reads weird because your first point (about the term shifted and the word boom fitting better) is split between another point( about the MC being stuck at work, which is also split between two sentences).

Shiloh said:

Anvil is a neat type of storm cloud. The latin name literally means anvil. But that's zero for two, so it's probably not common knowledge like it thought it was. It doesn't matter anyway, it's redundant and confusing.

Thanks for your help, your post was the nail in the coffin for that particular opening scene. I'm starting with a later one, though I think I'll salvage the toxic thoughts thing.

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I know what an anvil cloud is. But I think you also described it as a "hair." I couldn't equate the two.

I quite liked some of the imagery, though.

BethS said:

I know what an anvil cloud is. But I think you also described it as a "hair." I couldn't equate the two.

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Well if you knew and it didn't work, then it really didn't work, huh?
That thing about the hair was me failing to show how the colony-destroying storm was tiny in comparison of the world-wide storm it was apart of.

BethS said:

I quite liked some of the imagery, though.

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Thanks, that cheers me up after a bad day. I'll try to work in what survives into the opening chapter.

Why not let the authors of these posts speak for themselves? At least give them the compliment of treating them like professional writers who can handle a difficult critique and speak up for themselves if they wish.

Mr. Flibble, if you disagree with my opinion of a work, by all means post your own opinion. I don't claim to have the final word on anyone's work but my own. P.S. "pure white metal door" does contain 3 adjectives in a row, unless you count 'pure' as an adverb modifying 'white'. 'Metal', in this sentence, is not a noun.

Shiloh, I did notice that you critiqued others' work before posting your own. I respect that. What I objected to was posting multiple times in quick succession without seeming to absorb people's feedback. If you respect the time and energy we put into critiquing your work, then I hope you understand where I was coming from. I also notice that you haven't posted your own work since then, and have instead been doing more critiques. Thank you. I don't assume you've never received harsh criticisms before; on the contrary, that assumption is being made by others. I assume that you're a serious writer who can take constructive criticism and improve from it.

I'll end my comments on this topic here, since this forum is intended for writers to receive critiques, not carry on a debate on critique etiquette. My advice was well-meant; I'm sorry if it was taken otherwise.

The coyote was nearly road kill. He shot across the road in front of the Bronco as though he’d been hurled from an atlatl. Ariel yelped, stomped the brakes, and skewed the vehicle sideways on the loose gravel; maps, books, and a bag of Cheetos tumbled onto the floorboard despite her sideways grab at the pile.


and

Of all the tricks God pulled on Humanity, gravity and curiosity are thedeadliest.
Halfway up a cliff, supported by the fingernails of her right hand and the microfleck on which the toe of her left boot rested, Roxanne came to grips with the natural law that says what goes up must come down.

Ok, Margarita, since I'm up right now.

Your first piece is good, but I would work your character's name into that second sentance & come up with a differant analogy than Atlatl. Very creative, but I think you & I are part of a very small amount of people who didn't need to rush for a dictionary.

Second is good as well, but I'd rephrase that last sentance- either break it into two, use a semi-colon or cut it down a bit. Same problem mine had at first: too much information to swallow in one breath.

Good job so far & good luck!

Margarita said:

The coyote was nearly road kill. He shot across the road in front of the Bronco as though he’d been hurled from an atlatl. [Paragraph break] Ariel yelped, stomped the brakes, and skewed the vehicle [skewed] sideways on the loose gravel; maps, books, and a bag of Cheetos tumbled onto the floorboard despite her sideways grab at the pile.


and

Of all the tricks God pulled on Humanity, gravity and curiosity are [were] the[/]deadliest.
[Halfway up a cliff, supported by the fingernails of her right hand and the microfleck on which the toe of her left boot rested, Too long to lead into the action here] Roxanne came to grips with the natural law that says what goes up must come down.

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Some comments.

RedRose.

Shiloh said:

That thing about the hair was me failing to show how the colony-destroying storm was tiny in comparison of the world-wide storm it was apart of.

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Ah. No, I didn't get that at all, I'm afraid.

Margarita said:

The coyote was nearly road kill. He shot across the road in front of the Bronco as though he’d been hurled from an atlatl. Ariel yelped, stomped the brakes, and skewed the vehicle sideways on the loose gravel; maps, books, and a bag of Cheetos tumbled onto the floorboard despite her sideways grab at the pile.

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OK. So if I'm driving along and a coyote darts across the road in front of me, I'm not thinking about how he's going so fast it's as if he was hurled from an atlatl. Or hurled from anything. But an atlatl? I mean, whose mind jumps to that? How many people even know what an atlatl is?

Coyote runs in front of my car, I'm just going for my brakes and/or swerving.

The rest is fine. I'm only left wondering why this business with the coyote is important to the story. But it might turn out to be, so I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt.

Of all the tricks God pulled on Humanity, gravity and curiosity are thedeadliest.
Halfway up a cliff, supported by the fingernails of her right hand and the microfleck on which the toe of her left boot rested, Roxanne came to grips with the natural law that says what goes up must come down.

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First sentence: don't capitalize humanity. And keep the tense consistent. Were instead of are.

Second sentence: I think you mean fingertips instead of fingernails, because fingernails are fragile and can't possibly be supporting her weight.

Unlike the other commenters, I have no problem with that second sentence--how it's constructed or its length. I think it would spoil it to break it up. It leads nicely up to the little punchline at the end.

Third sentence: Umm, where is it?

Wanderluster said:

I don't assume you've never received harsh criticisms before; on the contrary, that assumption is being made by others. I assume that you're a serious writer who can take constructive criticism and improve from it.

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I find your equation of harsh with constructive revealing. However, I'm more than happy for this thread to resume its proper purpose.

[FONT=&quot]Here's the opening from my horror novel,[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]In the midst of this agony, to myself I turned.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Her blood tasted of almonds and never would I forget the first time I drank it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] I can’t bear it.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]
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Kitty27 said:

[FONT=&quot]Here's the opening from my horror novel,[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]In the midst of this agony, to myself I turned.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Her blood tasted of almonds and never would I forget the first time I drank it.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I can’t bear it.[/FONT]

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I found the first sentence confusing, in that it doesn't seem to relate to the rest. I think the opening would be stronger if you dropped it, and started with the second sentence. That one gets my attention.

Kitty27 said:

Here's the opening from my horror novel,
In the midst of this agony, to myself I turned.Her blood tasted of almonds and never would I forget the first time I drank it.
I can’t bear it.

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A few thoughts, in no particular order

You went from past tense to present tense. Was this done on purpose?

With the way you’ve constructed the first two sentences, I expected the last one to follow the same sort of roundabout/backwards pattern (“Bear it, I could not” in the style of Yoda.) As a result, that last one sticks out like a sore thumb even without the sudden tense change.

This isn’t that great of an opener, in my opinion. All this person is doing is thinking and being anguished.

What agony?

The way you’ve ordered the words makes the sentences very weak, especially that first line.

The second line is awkward and was hard to read at first because there’s a missing comma. It feels unnatural to try and read it the way you have it now.


Would I continue reading? Why or why not?
No, I would not continue past your first few lines the way you have them now. Ignoring your sentence construction, nothing about this catches my attention.


Good luck with the writing!

From the current WIP, a YA sci-fi/dystopian:

Really like it, CAMueller -- I'm hooked! The perfectionist in me would join the first two sentences up with a comma, but it probably works better your way.

CAMueller said:

From the current WIP, a YA sci-fi/dystopian:

It doesn't take a boot pressed to your windpipe to know oxygen matters.

But it's a hell of a reminder.

“How’d you weasel your way in, Ramsey?”

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Basically I like it and especially the dialogue. Yet:

We may need an experiment, but I have the feeling that when a boot is pressed to your windpipe, oxygen deprivation is less of an immediate threat than windpipe cracking.

The opening somehow doesn't carry enough YA voice. But maybe it'll take more to feel it.

Bing Zabriskie said:

We may need an experiment, but I have the feeling that when a boot is pressed to your windpipe, oxygen deprivation is less of an immediate threat than windpipe cracking.

I like that dialogue.

The opening somehow doesn't carry enough YA voice. But maybe it'll take more to feel it.

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Valid point on the windpipe part. It depends how you do it and where the boot is placed on the throat. Definitely something to consider. Thanks.

CAMueller said:

From the current WIP, a YA sci-fi/dystopian:

It doesn't take a boot pressed to your windpipe to know oxygen matters.

But it's a hell of a reminder.

“How’d you weasel your way in, Ramsey?” ​

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I hope the fourth sentence tells us who’s speaking to Ramsey Is Ramsey is the narrator or the one cutting off someone’s air? It’s hard to tell which one the narrator is just from this excerpt, but I imagine it gets addressed after this bit.

I think if the narrator is the one with the boots, then this works well. If he’s the one struggling for air, then he doesn't sound frantic enough. I mean, I wouldn’t be thinking so calmly if someone was blocking off my airflow. Then again, maybe your character is just one of those “snarky even when facing death” types. If that’s the case, I think you’ve got his voice down.

I’m of the opinion that you might need another sentence in there saying the narrator steps on someone’s windpipe, or saying that he’s gasping for air. (Or maybe this is all mentioned after the dialogue )

Would I continue reading? Why or why not?
Yes, because I want to know why someone’s stepping(?) on Ramsey’s throat.

Margarita said:

The coyote was nearly road kill. He shot across the road in front of the Bronco as though he’d been hurled from an atlatl. Ariel yelped, stomped the brakes, and skewed the vehicle sideways on the loose gravel; maps, books, and a bag of Cheetos tumbled onto the floorboard despite her sideways grab at the pile.

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I like this, although I had to google "atlatl"! Other than that, I would just snip "the vehicle" from that last line and find a replacement for one of the "sideways", since you've got two in short succession there.

CAMueller said:

From the current WIP, a YA sci-fi/dystopian:

It doesn't take a boot pressed to your windpipe to know oxygen matters.

But it's a hell of a reminder.

“How’d you weasel your way in, Ramsey?”
​

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Can you add a tag to that line of dialogue? It comes out of nowhere and seems disconnected to the rest. I don't know if Ramsey is someone talking to the POV character (while pressing a boot to his throat?) or if he is the POV character, in which he wouldn't be able to speak, would he?

milkweed said:

The wind was brusque with a strange like chill, the temperature had already reached 103 Fahrenheit and it was only nine in the morning, making her wonder what it would be like come noon. Laundry needed to be taken off of the line and ironed. The tiny kitchen was hot its tiny northern window provided no relief from the summer heat. So much for the global ice age that had engulfed most of the planet, the incessant heat defied all logic.

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I don't understand "strange like chill," even more so after you say that it's 103 degrees. Also, and this is more personal interest than anything, but don't use tiny twice in one sentance. I don't know if that sort of thing bothers other people as well, but it messes with me.