I'm not in that camp either, and I definitely didn't say "only non-violent games" were for women. You said yourself that you consider Dragon Age the more violent of the games I mentioned.
Dragon Age, Bioshock, Tomb Raider, Left4Dead, Assassin's Creed.... these are all games that are popular, and violent, but they appeal to me equally as well as guy.
Skyrim, Call of Duty, Just Cause, Grand Theft Auto... these are all aiming at guys. I've played them, and I've enjoyed them, but I still didn't feel like their target audience.
(I'm leaving indie games out of this, because indie games are generally excellent at a lot of things the big game studios are weak at.)
Tomb Raider is a particularly powerful example here. It has everything you just mentioned, fighting and killing, violence galore, but it doesn't feel like it's "for guys". It's definitely not a power fantasy and (despite some awful, misleading trailers) there's very little male gaze.