Favorite lines you've written

I love this one sort of because it's so vague, it's great where it is and certainly could be used in other places. Context is everything.

His face showed he was not prepared for that.

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And of course in rereading, I found it was a smidgen *too* vague and I had to add a bit to the end. But I'll keep this one here for immature hilarity potential.

benluby said:

I already know I'm going to hell but that is hilarious!

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My thought, exactly.

Anna Spargo-Ryan said:

This is my dear old chap in a tough spot:

And he stands in the lane and watches them go, and his legs are like lead and his arm is sharp as needles and he stands there and he blinks and blinks.

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Kallithrix said:

Nice use of polysyndeton

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Yes, I'm a fan of polysyndeton too. I like the way it enables images to flow into one another. Cormac McCarthy is an excellent example of someone who's mastered it.

It's interesting how if you delete the last "and blinks" it doesn't have the right flow.

As usual, you have a great ear for prose. Nice job again Anna!

So this is an angel-thing, talking to a human, about the end of the world/ good v evil war... thing

"Real war wasn’t meant for us, we weren’t created for it. But if you can do it we can do it, right? The Watchers thought a little war would be cherry pie easy, blow off some steam. Come on, lads, let’s crush them with our bloomin’ benevolent mighty swords. Let’s finally show those cocky demons who really runs this show!But you can watch someone dance the tango for thousands of years and not realise you have two left feet. Yeah, you reckon you know the basics, then your legs get all twisted, and your arms are flapping, and your partner isn’t dancing the same steps. In fact, it turns out they’ve been watching a completely different dance altogether. The angels wanted the battles, the show, the glory and honour of good versus evil. The demons, well, they wanted to win."

Thomas Williams sat at his desk wishing he had listened to his wife and retired last year. He could be sitting on a sunny beach drinking some cool, fruity concoction from a frosted glass with a tawdry paper umbrella sticking out of it while diligent attendants saw to his every need. Even a threadbare tent in a frozen wasteland in the middle of a full-scale blizzard would be preferable to facing his next appointment. The intercom buzzed. "Sir, your two o'clock is here, shall I send him in?" his secretary’s usual cool professional voice sounded strained and uneasy.

Make that wet and naked and forget the tent.

JadedSidhe said:

Thomas Williams sat at his desk wishing he had listened to his wife and retired last year. He could be sitting on a sunny beach drinking some cool, fruity concoction from a frosted glass with a tawdry paper umbrella sticking out of it while diligent attendants saw to his every need. Even a threadbare tent in a frozen wasteland in the middle of a full-scale blizzard would be preferable to facing his next appointment. The intercom buzzed. "Sir, your two o'clock is here, shall I send him in?" his secretary’s usual cool professional voice sounded strained and uneasy.

Make that wet and naked and forget the tent.

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Haha, I love this!

I don't have a lot of absolutely favorite quotes, but I love this one. I know they say you shouldn't keep scenes you absolutely love (I am assuming out of sentimental or sheer love of the quip, rather than cutting it if it's unnecessary), but I hope it will stay useful to the story.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm not even sure if my one's going to be in the story. It's not at the moment. But sometimes writing something random gets me writing again.

PandaMan said:

Yes, I'm a fan of polysyndeton too. I like the way it enables images to flow into one another. Cormac McCarthy is an excellent example of someone who's mastered it.

It's interesting how if you delete the last "and blinks" it doesn't have the right flow.

As usual, you have a great ear for prose. Nice job again Anna!

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I agree, especially now that I know what polysyndeton means.

Only recently got my writing machine up and running again, so it's been awhile since I've done this!

Context? Call it the neighborhood bully/drunk getting her comeuppance:

She was escorted to the back of the police car, to the cheers and applause of the neighbors, upon whose heads she lumped various and sundry colorful insults until the police forced her inside the patrol car. She leaned out under one of the officer's arms to deliver her coup de grace:

"Fuck all y'all! Ya pieces of shit! YA SNITCHES!"

and took a solid shot to the forehead from the slamming car door, which shut her up at last.

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I don't know if this'll make the editing cut, but I get a chuckle everytime I read it

Sunaya cast him a sly glance out of the corner of her eye. "Vampires." He gave her a blank stare. "You know, feasters of blood, denizens of the Fallen Brother, cursed soldiers of ancient legends, the dead who walk the earth, nocturnal monsters and every maiden's most ardent of desires." She grinned. "Vampires."

"Oh," he said. "Well, all right then. I thought it might be something dangerous."

Michael Steven said:

I don't know if this'll make the editing cut, but I get a chuckle everytime I read it

Sunaya cast him a sly glance out of the corner of her eye. "Vampires." He gave her a blank stare. "You know, feasters of blood, denizens of the Fallen Brother, cursed soldiers of ancient legends, the dead who walk the earth, nocturnal monsters and every maiden's most ardent of desires." She grinned. "Vampires."

"Oh," he said. "Well, all right then. I thought it might be something dangerous."

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It's good. I like it. My only quibble might be to consider 'descendents' of the Fallen Brother (Cain) rather than denizens.

Peter Kenson said:

It's good. I like it. My only quibble might be to consider 'descendents' of the Fallen Brother (Cain) rather than denizens.

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Thank you. It's not Cain, though. Completely different world with its own mythos. Well, different sets of mythos They're all covered well before this passage.

Edit: Just as an aside -- I will likely name these deities eventually, for now I just use a catch phrase ... "Mighty Father", "Fallen Brother", and "the Sister."

polysyndeton

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I wish someone had told me this word 10 years ago. After being told over and over again not to use conjunctions like that--it's not proper!--I've taught myself not to do it. I used to love using polydyndeton in heavy action (and sex) scenes. It just FELT right. Didn't even realize it was a thing. Guess I'll have to reteach myself!

(And the sentence prompting this discussion was just lovely.)

Peter Kenson said:

It's good. I like it. My only quibble might be to consider 'descendents' of the Fallen Brother (Cain) rather than denizens.

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Denizens didn't make sense to me either - it means natural inhabitants, and how can you be an inhabitant of a fallen brother? Unless there is some sort of possession storyline going on...

Anyway, I liked it other than that. The tone was quite wry and it made me smile

Here's one of my favourite paragraphs, which I just found when I decided to go back and read my behemoth 130k WIP from the start again:

Lord Ahmose just chuckled as he cleared his last piece from the board. “I win.” He looked at her across the bed, and his eyes were full of mastery and mischief. “Now, what can my Nafrit offer me as a reward for my victory?”

Ooh, I LIKE "mastery and mischief!"

Kallithrix said:

Denizens didn't make sense to me either - it means natural inhabitants, and how can you be an inhabitant of a fallen brother?

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Fleas? A tiny race of sentient fleas...


(Protect the queen! Who's the queen? I am! No you're not!)

Kallithrix said:

Denizens didn't make sense to me either - it means natural inhabitants, and how can you be an inhabitant of a fallen brother? Unless there is some sort of possession storyline going on...

Anyway, I liked it other than that. The tone was quite wry and it made me smile

Here's one of my favourite paragraphs, which I just found when I decided to go back and read my behemoth 130k WIP from the start again:

Lord Ahmose just chuckled as he cleared his last piece from the board. “I win.” He looked at her across the bed, and his eyes were full of mastery and mischief. “Now, what can my Nafrit offer me as a reward for my victory?”

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All right, all right, all right! I get it. It should be "denizens from the realm of the fallen brother", but that's too wordy. In other words hell or hades or underworld. I just haven't made up those names yet; they're tougher to do than character names.

I like your lines, but it stalls a little in the middle. Cut the "I win" and use something more intimate than 'he looked.' Something like: "His eyes, full of mastery and mischief, wandered across the bed and over the shape of his reclining opponent."

Michael Steven said:

All right, all right, all right! I get it. It should be "denizens from the realm of the fallen brother", but that's too wordy. In other words hell or hades or underworld. I just haven't made up those names yet; they're tougher to do than character names.

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Sorry, I know this isn't a critique thread, but I just needed to point out the misused word in case you weren't aware that it was misused

Michael Steven said:

I like your lines, but it stalls a little in the middle. Cut the "I win" and use something more intimate than 'he looked.' Something like: "His eyes, full of mastery and mischief, wandered across the bed and over the shape of his reclining opponent."

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Yeah, this really isn't a critique thread....

Kallithrix said:

Sorry, I know this isn't a critique thread, but I just needed to point out the misused word in case you weren't aware that it was misused



Yeah, this really isn't a critique thread....

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Hehe, but we're writers ... it's hard to turn off

Very early on in my writing project, but I saw this thread and really had to share my favorite line so far.

Context is that it is my villain's first appearance in the book. He was previously sealed away by the Gods eons ago, but now he has returned, and he has been talking with one of my MCs in the dark of the night, in a creepy forest.

When he finally spoke again, he said only one sentence before darting back into the darkness of the forest. “Go to your gods boy, and tell them I have returned to take what is mine.”

I like it a lot so far, kind of simple though I know.

A bit long, but:

She opened her eyes, ignoring the tears at the periphery of her vision. She lifted her arms, inhaled while she brought them in, drawing on every bit of magic, heat gathering at her chest, arms and shoulders. She then jolted her hands at the sky, imagining the magic leaving her breath, her skin, her blood. Her body sparked with tingles. Her arms tried to shudder. Her feet struggled not to be shoved back. The air cracked like wood in a fire.

Magic bulleted in a thick line. Like an archer shooting a pole instead of an arrow. It lit up the darkening sky like a bright comet. Then exploded in a soundless flash.

She collapsed to the floor, drenched in sweat, panting, grinning.

This could work.