Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

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Melanie Dawn

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Here's mine- first draft of my novelization of my novella Beautiful Trgaedy.

They had never said “I love you” before tonight. But he has said it first, so he must mean it, Daphne's train of thought raced. Sitting in front of the glowing computer screen with the biggest smile ever on her face, she reeled at the thought of someone saying “I love you”, and meaning it.
 

cooeedownunder

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The girl was lost. Trapped. There isn’t any specific detail in the painting’s background, only a soft veil of blended colour — browns, greens, blocking any means of escape.
 

tlsclarke

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It has helped very much. The next sentences contain his dialogue response. But it the general consensus seems to be that the answer has to come at that third sentence.

Thanks all for your responses.
 

BethS

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The girl was lost. Trapped. There isn’t any specific detail in the painting’s background, only a soft veil of blended colour — browns, greens, blocking any means of escape.

You changed tense in the third sentence.

And I'm not sure how the painting is connected to someone being lost.
 

cooeedownunder

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Finally done I do believe!

It was supposed to have been a peace offering. But after the forty-minute trip to Townsend listening to something Elizabeth Barons called “the Blues,” Roy was beginning to think it was really a ploy to kill him. Obviously, the method was torture.

Bill

I picked this one out of the ones I went back and read because I like it, but I wasn't too sure about the last line. I'm not sure about the 'method' being obvious and at the very least I would leave the 'obviously' off the start of that sentence. That said, I don't think you need that last sentence at all.
 

cooeedownunder

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You changed tense in the third sentence.

And I'm not sure how the painting is connected to someone being lost.

mmmm, yes, the tense has a deliberate change.

I think what makes threads like this interesting is that as readers or writers we are generally expecting to read the start, middle, and end of a paragraph.

I can see why you might be scratching your head.

Cheers and thanks.
 

BethS

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mmmm, yes, the tense has a deliberate change.

I think what makes threads like this interesting is that as readers or writers we are generally expecting to read the start, middle, and end of a paragraph.

I can see why you might be scratching your head.

Why did you change tense there?

And also, you might want to reconsider opening with something that leaves readers scratching their heads.

Just sayin.'
 

DeleyanLee

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It all started when Amanda decided to kill her husband. She got the idea from an illustration in a book called Mysteries of the Black Mother. The woodcut image presented a circle of stone, with some sort of stone altar in the center.

The first sentence really grabbed my attention. However, the next two started to dilute the interest because, while I appreciate their information, that information doesn't relate directly to her efforts (or success/failure) in killing her husband.

They had never said “I love you” before tonight. But he has said it first, so he must mean it, Daphne's train of thought raced. Sitting in front of the glowing computer screen with the biggest smile ever on her face, she reeled at the thought of someone saying “I love you”, and meaning it.

This reads like a YA, and I don't really read YA much, but it does read like a good beginning for such a book. Sorry I can't give you more commentary.

The girl was lost. Trapped. There isn’t any specific detail in the painting’s background, only a soft veil of blended colour — browns, greens, blocking any means of escape.

Heya, Cooee! :D I didn't see a slip in POV in this bit, since the build-up of my assumption is that whoever the POV character is is looking at a painting and, sentence by sentence, is assessing what they're looking at. I think it's an interesting way to give a good insight into the POV character without actually getting into the POV character personally.

The only slightly confusing thing is the first sentence--if you could work in "image" or "figure" or something that makes it obvious from the beginning that it's a girl in a painting (without saying it outright) instead of giving the impression that the girl is the POV character.

Unless I've totally misunderstood what you're trying to do....
 

Melanie Dawn

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This reads like a YA, and I don't really read YA much, but it does read like a good beginning for such a book. Sorry I can't give you more commentary.

LOL Ya it does... it's not. It's erotic/romance. Just the two main characters haven't met in person at the beginning of the story.
 

Burl Kenneth Sloan

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I have two WIPs. The one with which I'm most involved currently starts with the following three sentences:

“Was it you?”
“Was what me?”
"You know. Was it?"
The other, which is technically finished but with which I still fool around occasionally, starts like this:

[FONT=&quot]Just north of Phoenix, Arizona, situated in a sea of sand, rocks, cacti and indigenous reptiles is a federal prison—the kind popularly referred to as a ‘country club’ because it houses non-violent, white-collar criminals. Sometimes, late at night when the moon is full and the whiskey is talking to me, I drive into the desert, park the jeep and climb up the side of a hill. Sitting there, with the rattlesnakes and a drink, I stare down at the facility—in all its brightly-lit, barbed-wire glory and wonder what life would have been like if they had sent me there, instead. [/FONT]
 

cooeedownunder

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Why did you change tense there?

And also, you might want to reconsider opening with something that leaves readers scratching their heads.

Just sayin.'

The tense change came to me naturally writing the whole paragraph. The rest of the paragraph has yet another change.

Good call about the scratching of heads. We really don't want readers to do that. Hopefully some might read on to see what it means while others will probably just put it aside after the first three lines...

Thank you for your thoughts they are appreciated.
 

BethS

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Pitt tat tat tat tittat. Pitt patt pittat tat tat tat tat. The falling rain dripped from the eaves and skipped across the weathered windowsills that ran around the exterior perimeter of the building.

Eh. Not so much. There's no story here, just weather and some awkward-to-read onomatopoaeia.
 

cooeedownunder

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Heya, Cooee! :D I didn't see a slip in POV in this bit, since the build-up of my assumption is that whoever the POV character is is looking at a painting and, sentence by sentence, is assessing what they're looking at. I think it's an interesting way to give a good insight into the POV character without actually getting into the POV character personally.

The only slightly confusing thing is the first sentence--if you could work in "image" or "figure" or something that makes it obvious from the beginning that it's a girl in a painting (without saying it outright) instead of giving the impression that the girl is the POV character.

Unless I've totally misunderstood what you're trying to do....

You are right on the money girl. The girl is in the painting... thanks for all your thoughts.
 

BethS

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I have two WIPs. The one with which I'm most involved currently starts with the following three sentences:

The other, which is technically finished but with which I still fool around occasionally, starts like this:

I like the second one, although I wonder if there's a way to start with the second sentence and then insert the information that he's looking at a prison. As it stands, the first line sounds almost like a non-fiction opening.

The unattributed dialogue in the first one bothered me.
 

BethS

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The tense change came to me naturally writing the whole paragraph. The rest of the paragraph has yet another change.

OK but...you shouldn't just change tense for no reason. Stories are generally written either past tense or present tense, but not flipping back and forth between the two.
 

cooeedownunder

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Pitt tat tat tat tittat. Pitt patt pittat tat tat tat tat. The falling rain dripped from the eaves and skipped across the weathered windowsills that ran around the exterior perimeter of the building.

Great idea for a thread!
__________

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http://www.imaginationtree.com

I'm no expert, but I'm sure those first two lines are more awkard than saying Peter Piper. I found myself going over those first two lines serveral times, just so I could get it right, and still I kept slipping up. Those two lines read like a challange :D

It's almost like you (not me) are hearing a rhythm and trying to capture a voice, which isn’t a bad thing, but it might need to be more refined. I’m also not sure about the starting with climate stuff, but others may feel different.
 

cooeedownunder

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Here's mine- first draft of my novelization of my novella Beautiful Trgaedy.

They had never said “I love you” before tonight. But he has said it first, so he must mean it, Daphne's train of thought raced. Sitting in front of the glowing computer screen with the biggest smile ever on her face, she reeled at the thought of someone saying “I love you”, and meaning it.

I love the working title for this.

I like this a lot, but wonder if you need - Daphne's train of thought raced? – especially because you mention a little lower ‘reeled a the thought'
 

Melanie Dawn

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I love the working title for this.

I like this a lot, but wonder if you need - Daphne's train of thought raced? – especially because you mention a little lower ‘reeled a the thought'

good point. I think I'll make an adjustment. And thanks for the comment about the title.. it's the same name as my graphic novel. Not the same story, but it fits.
 

Michel_Cayer

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That's probably one of the best intro sentences I've ever read. It's a great start, and the first sentence is really powerful but I find myself wanting to hear more about the death. Jumping right into where she got the idea from is good, but it can be better.

The last two sentence water down the suspense and fear. If you're going for an addictive hook, keep the tension high and keep the readers engaged. Getting the idea from a book is interesting, but I think you can display it much better if you show, don't tell. I don't know how the death plays into the book, but something like this would be more interesting: "His body was nailed to the floor of their living room with a stone alter erected a foot above his head, just like the illustration on page fifty-six of the book, Mysteries of the Black Mother."

Other than that, it's a great start. :D

Thanks for the feedback. This is making me think about the story in a different way. The original idea is that the murder happens at the end of that first part of the novel. The whole sequence of events to get there, is her getting influenced and manipulated by someone else into doing it. The manipulation is already well along of course :)
 

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The knock on the door cut through the heat of the lazy summer afternoon. I shoveled another bite of rice into my mouth and glanced at the door. My mother wiped her hands on a towel and left the kitchen to answer.
 

Blinkk

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The knock on the door cut through the heat of the lazy summer afternoon. I shoveled another bite of rice into my mouth and glanced at the door. My mother wiped her hands on a towel and left the kitchen to answer.

Well, as a hook it doesn't sweep me off my feet, but it's got potential to go somewhere interesting.

The word door appears twice in a very short amount of time. You might want to find a synonym or rephrase those sentences to remove one of those usages. The word shoveled made me stumble. It's not a word I was expecting and it read strangely to me. If a person is shoveling food into their mouth, I assume they are taking more than one bite. You said "shoveled another bite". It would have made more sense if it was shoveling another mouthful. Shoveling is an excessive action, so shouldn't the amount of food be excessive, too? Just my two cents.
 
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