Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

KSavoie said:

First three lines of my YA dystopian WIP. I know it's not much, but it's the first three haha. I can always post more if anyone wants me to.

“Do you see this?” I said picking a flower and handing it to Ava. “It's called a violet,” I smiled at her.

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First thing that strikes me is the complete lack of conflict or any hint of a problem or hook, or anything that would make me want to read further.

Second thing is the awkward flow of dialogue and tagging. Try something like this:

“Do you see this?” I said, handing the tiny purple blossom to Ava. “It's called a violet.”

keepcalmandwriteon said:

I sit in front of the fire, warming what little flesh I have. My followers are scattered around the cottage. They can't stand to look at me, let alone be in the same room.

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I'm intrigued. But the line "what little flesh I have" makes me think the character might be a zombie. Is that what you intended?

WriteMinded said:

I already hate your MC for being a self-centered, baby bitch. I vote she jump out of the plane sans parachute. The other passengers may not want to trade their lives for the privilege of alleviating her misery.

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BWHAHAHAHAHA! This made me laugh and this is the problem I'm having with my MC in the beginning of my book, she's just lost her soul-mate and is feeling very sorry for herself/life is over. She becomes much stronger/kick-ass and easier to write in the next few chapters but maybe I should just start her out as less of a p*ssy
Thank-you everyone for your suggestions, I love this site! I've revised this novel 3 times and thought it was ready to query but I realize its not and I need to get on here more often to crit others work and gain advice on my own stuff.

Current WIP is tentatively titled 'The Last Mermaid.'
I write by the seat of my pants, without planning...currently 168 pages in after a month or so of writing.
Here's how it starts:

My younger sister Alice has never been quite the same since the death of the baby. She rigged up an altar in the cellar, dedicated to our dead sibling. Vincent saw her carrying in a piece of lumber from the beach.

Just working on a very part time mystery project set in a fantasy world.

It was a cliche of cheap detective novels cobbled together by hack writers; the beautiful mystery woman walks into the detective’s office and says in a slippery purr ‘I have a problem, detective’. The difference in this case was that Sarah Kettar wasn’t a detective. She was just there to steal the typewriter.

MrFrankenstein said:

My younger sister Alice has never been quite the same since the death of the baby. She rigged up an altar in the cellar, dedicated to our dead sibling. Vincent saw her carrying in a piece of lumber from the beach.

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I think I've seen this before either here or at the stabby board. I like the plot about a devastated woman rigging up a secret altar. The problem, however, is that in 3 sentences you've introduced 3 characters: I (the 1st person protag), sis Alice, and Vincent. We know nothing about these people except Alice. This is hard to pull off esp if Alice isn't the real MC.

SirTimberWolf said:

It was a cliche of cheap detective novels cobbled together by hack writers; the beautiful mystery woman walks into the detective’s office and says in a slippery purr ‘I have a problem, detective’. The difference in this case was that Sarah Kettar wasn’t a detective. She was just there to steal the typewriter.

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If I understand you correctly, Sarah is in the detective office trying to steal the typewriter when a beautiful (ambiguous adj) and mystery (mysterious? even more ambiguous adj) woman comes in with a problem. I like the scene and I like "slippery purr." But I think you've made the opening a bit clunky and hard to read. I also don't know what the first sentence (or part, before the semi-colon) is about, ie, why is it there.

SirTimberWolf said:

Just working on a very part time mystery project set in a fantasy world.

It was a cliche of cheap detective novels cobbled together by hack writers; the beautiful mystery woman walks into the detective’s office and says in a slippery purr ‘I have a problem, detective’. The difference in this case was that Sarah Kettar wasn’t a detective. She was just there to steal the typewriter.

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You made me laugh, which is always good. But I think the cliche line should go. Instead of telling us it's a cliche, show us the cliche. Then hit us with the sucker punch.

SirTimberWolf said:

Just working on a very part time mystery project set in a fantasy world.

It was a cliche of cheap detective novels cobbled together by hack writers; the beautiful mystery woman walks into the detective’s office and says in a slippery purr ‘I have a problem, detective’. The difference in this case was that Sarah Kettar wasn’t a detective. She was just there to steal the typewriter.

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I like it. It's unexpected.

That semi-colon should be a colon.

bershka said:

Here are the first 3 sentences of my WIP MG Fantasy:

Linh saw a pink cloud morphing into the shape of a dragonfly in the clear sky.
Whoa.
It was as though someone had created the creature to leap out from an open pop-up picture book.

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Your first sentence is a grabber. I think the last one could use a little working. I love the image your trying to evoke with the pop-up picture book.

Chancelet said:

I think the last one could use a little working. I love the image your trying to evoke with the pop-up picture book.

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Yeah, it's front-loaded with unimportant stuff, I think that's the problem.

BethS said:

I'm intrigued. But the line "what little flesh I have" makes me think the character might be a zombie. Is that what you intended?

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No I wasn't, but it does make him sound like a zombie doesn't it? Well I suppose maybe technically he is a zombie because he rose from the grave I just never thought of it that way before.

kimmy said:

BWHAHAHAHAHA! This made me laugh and this is the problem I'm having with my MC in the beginning of my book, she's just lost her soul-mate and is feeling very sorry for herself/life is over. She becomes much stronger/kick-ass and easier to write in the next few chapters but maybe I should just start her out as less of a p*ssy
Thank-you everyone for your suggestions, I love this site! I've revised this novel 3 times and thought it was ready to query but I realize its not and I need to get on here more often to crit others work and gain advice on my own stuff.

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Glad you weren't offended.

I don't mind a bit that she feels sorry for herself. Been there. Probably going to go there again - today maybe. It's only the indifference to the passengers that irks.

SirTimberWolf said:

It was a cliche of cheap detective novels cobbled together by hack writers; the beautiful mystery woman walks into the detective’s office and says in a slippery purr ‘I have a problem, detective’. The difference in this case was that Sarah Kettar wasn’t a detective. She was just there to steal the typewriter.

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Perfect. Leave it like it is.

It's amazing the amount of input someone can give on three sentences. *holds breath* NoOb here...

[FONT=&quot]There was no opportunity to avoid eye contact with the guy. People shuffled along the roads, blocking off whole streets so that the traffic had nowhere to go, and here he was, coming right at me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] ‘No,’ I said before he even got close. [/FONT]

Okay, here goes nothing...

Tech week is affectionately dubbed “hell week” by theatre companies everywhere with good reason. It doesn’t matter how well everything has gone from casting through rehearsals, everything that can go wrong will in the last week before a show opens. Carly Turner knew that everything was going too well with the latest production at the small theatre on 42nd Street.

mada said:

Okay, here goes nothing...

Tech week is affectionately dubbed “hell week” by theatre companies everywhere with good reason. It doesn’t matter how well everything has gone from casting through rehearsals, everything that can go wrong will in the last week before a show opens. Carly Turner knew that everything was going too well with the latest production at the small theatre on 42nd Street.

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I got a bit stuck. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it, then I realized what it was. You've used the word 'everything' three times. IMO, if you change those, I think it would flow better.

Shay Dee said:

It's amazing the amount of input someone can give on three sentences. *holds breath* NoOb here...

[FONT=&quot]There was no opportunity to avoid eye contact with the guy. People shuffled along the roads, blocking off whole streets so that the traffic had nowhere to go, and here he was, coming right at me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[FONT=&quot]‘No,’ I said before he even got close.[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Before he got too close, I ordered, "No." [/FONT]

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Well, those would be my changes. The story sounds interesting.

Another suggestion would be to give 'the guy' a name. It's obvious the MC knows him. Might as well name him.

Shay Dee said:

It's amazing the amount of input someone can give on three sentences. *holds breath* NoOb here...

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And thus comments should NOT be taken too seriously. #1 Thou CANNOT please everyone; #2 The first 3 sentences are a part--and just a part--of your opening, which is a small part of your work. It helps to have a strong and gripping opening, but it's equally important that attractive openings are followed on by appealing writing. I've seen in SYW plenty of strong openings wasted by not capitalized on.

Shay Dee said:

There was no opportunity to avoid eye contact with the guy. People shuffled along the roads, blocking off whole streets so that the traffic had nowhere to go, and here he was, coming right at me.
‘No,’ I said before he even got close.

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Suggests to rewrite the first sentence so that it doesn't start with "There." Give a little more details about the MC and/or the guy. So far everything is circumstantial. It's good but can make better.

mada said:

Tech week is affectionately dubbed “hell week” by theatre companies everywhere with good reason. It doesn’t matter how well everything has gone from casting through rehearsals, everything that can go wrong will in the last week before a show opens. Carly Turner knew that everything was going too well with the latest production at the small theatre on 42nd Street.

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The second sentence, as is, is a law of life said in theatre speak. How about merging it with third sentence so Carly notices everything is going too well and he's seen too much before and therefore he's worried about last minute incidents? Maybe his anxiety intensifies as show time draws near and he picks on everything, driving everyone nuts? BTW if the theatre plays a notable part or if Carly is the MC, I'd suggest naming it, either a real theatre or a fictitious one. How small btw?

Bing Zabriskie said:

. . . #1 Thou CANNOT please everyone;

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Wonderful point!

Input and critique can be enlightening, but it all comes down to it being your story, told your way and you've got to write it so that YOU love it.

Mines about a young man who is finding himself after years of drug abuse... The first 3 sentences are boring but here they are

It was an unusually warm December evening. The night approached the mid 70’s with a light breeze and little to no cloud cover. You’d be able to see the stars if you weren’t in the center of Tempe.

BethS said:

First thing that strikes me is the complete lack of conflict or any hint of a problem or hook, or anything that would make me want to read further.

Second thing is the awkward flow of dialogue and tagging. Try something like this:

“Do you see this?” I said, handing the tiny purple blossom to Ava. “It's called a violet.”

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Are you trying to tell me that every story you've ever read starts off with the conflict in the first line?

WriterWho said:

Well, those would be my changes. The story sounds interesting.

Another suggestion would be to give 'the guy' a name. It's obvious the MC knows him. Might as well name him.

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Thanks! "Guy" is leaflet handler so MC doesn't know him. It's a protest MC is trying to work his way through.
Am working on query at the mo, not for agents, but for beta readers, I think they deserve one too.

"Wonderful point!

Input and critique can be enlightening, but it all comes down to it being your story, told your way and you've got to write it so that YOU love it."

Another wonderful point.

Wardeth said:

Mines about a young man who is finding himself after years of drug abuse... The first 3 sentences are boring but here they are

It was an unusually warm December evening. The night approached the mid 70’s with a light breeze and little to no cloud cover. You’d be able to see the stars if you weren’t in the center of Tempe.

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Drug abuse and rehab are interesting themes but I have a feeling you're opening at the wrong place. It's all weather talk so far and nothing is said about the MC and the story (other than maybe a little bit of the setting.) Why not start with the MC?

Good point. I am much more interesting then the night itself. I mean the MC is.... I'll try to rewrite the beginning, I'm almost at my 50 posts! I'm a nervous nelly. I was writing for myself when i started but now i want to write for others.

While thick skin is mandatory for writers who don't just write for themselves and families, not all people are created with equally thick skins. Depending on which sub-SYW board you post, some critters can be quite harsh. So if you're sensitive to pride issues or born with thin skin, mention so in your SYW post. May help. And don't say "welcome all blunt & honest crits" unless you're prepared to cry your eyes out for a few days, doesn't matter if you're Hemingway reborn ^_^

Wardeth said:

Mines about a young man who is finding himself after years of drug abuse... The first 3 sentences are boring but here they are

It was an unusually warm December evening. The night approached the mid 70’s with a light breeze and little to no cloud cover. You’d be able to see the stars if you weren’t in the center of Tempe.

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It's bland. The description is good but I want to know about your MC.

Here's (yet another) of Mine.

Humankind for the most part is a destructive lot. Destroying our home planet didn't help matters. That's why I agreed we needed to be exterminated.