Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

JustKia · May 26, 2013

Aquarianhelix said:
And yes the upward lightening will be explained later on in the novel.

Doesn't lightening go up anyway? Or rather it does both -- up and down in cloud/ground strikes. But cloud/ground strikes are less than 30% (I believe) of all lightening anyway. The majority of lightening is more "sideways" than up/down; either occurring within a single cloud or between two clouds.

Or are you meaning the lightening goes upwards from the cloud (as if it were a ground based streamer)? In which case it will need something above it to be attracted to...

King God Kong Zilla · May 26, 2013

WriterTrek said:
This is a brand new story that I'm going to try and write for that Write-About-Dragons 2013 thing. I'm not going to write prose past the first paragraph or so until it starts (June 3rd), but I was hoping to give my first few sentences a good hook ahead of time.

Nash stumbled over the artifact when he went to investigate the site of the most recent worldfire. The dinotown was a wasteland, empty hulls of buildings surrounded by charred remains. But he knew before his first spell that this had been no normal worldfire.

I like this one. It's simple, and I like some of the words you have seemingly invented. Worldfire, in particular, is very cool for a dragon story.

I'd also cut "but" from the last sentence. I think it makes it punchier, stronger.

Psychotic.Pink · May 26, 2013

Aquarianhelix said:
Many thanks to Kaarl, BethS and King God Kong Zilla for your thoughtful comments. I kinda needed my writing brain to be put back on the straight and narrow of artistic endeavours... much appreciated.

It now reads like this:

Nobody on Venus would forget the bizarre events of the spontaneous tornadoes, upward lightening and plasma bolts. Meteorologists labeled them as ‘Cause Unknown’, making people worried about the safety of their airborne cities. Unease gave birth to rumors, ranging from if the winds would slow down enough to let the cities fall into the acid clouds, ~~through~~ whether climate changes would squash the living air layer into oblivion, to or if undiscovered aliens on the planet’s surface were getting their revenge for being disturbed.

In answer to a couple of points... the protagonist appears in the sentence immediately after this one, but I didn't dare add it in for fear of the flying sqirrule (and quite right too, Buffy). And yes the upward lightening will be explained later on in the novel.

Mmkay, the blue are the corrected, misspelled words (sorry, OCD leaking through here...) and the green is suggestions of small words to add to make the reading flow easier. Otherwise I think it's fine, and I'd definitely be interested in reading on.

Buffysquirrel · May 26, 2013

How do you know rumours is wrong? It might be correct for the poster's country.

Anna Spargo-Ryan · May 26, 2013

And while we're correcting spelling: lightning.

owlish · May 26, 2013

If I’m alive by the end of the day it’ll be by someone’s graces not my own. Despite all the lies I’ve been telling myself lately, I know it’s the truth—and honestly, the truth is outright starting to scare the shit out of me.

It’s intolerably hot in this rickety shambles of a train car, but the heat isn’t why I’m sweating.

JustKia · May 26, 2013

Anna Spargo-Ryan said:
And while we're correcting spelling: lightning.

*facepalm

Rufus Coppertop · May 26, 2013

Nathan and Donald were busy at their after-school job in the Tannage St library. Mainly, it was about putting returns back on the shelves and the head-librarian who leads a werewolf pack for senior-citizens, paid well. Five dinarii an hour’s pretty good money when you’re twelve.

:popcorn:

Anna Spargo-Ryan · May 26, 2013

Rufus Coppertop said:
Nathan and Donald were busy Telling--what are they doing?at their after-school job in the Tannage St library. Mainly, it was about putting returns back on the shelves and the head-librarian who leads a werewolf pack for senior-citizens, paid well This sentence is a bit of a mess. I'd separate it, and probably emphasise how boring that would be for a 12-year-old.. Five dinarii an hour’s pretty good money when you’re twelve.

I would word the second half of this something like:

Sure, it mostly meant putting boring books on boring shelves, but the pay was good. Five dinarii an hour's pretty good money when you're twelve, even if the head librarian's a werewolf.

Or something? The werewolf bit gets lost and that's your hook.

Rufus Coppertop · May 26, 2013

That's damn good feedback, Anna. Thanks.

Nathan and Donald were at the Tannage St library where they had an after-school job. It could get boring putting books back on shelves but the pay was good. Five dinarii an hour’s respectable money when you’re twelve, even if your boss is a werewolf who leads a pack for senior citizens.

BethS · May 26, 2013

susanielson said:
Before I even opened the door I could hear the talking of the clocks, as if a lively dialog was being conducted, a debate concerning the appropriate punishment for lateness, no doubt. I glanced down at the watch on my wrist, feeling guilty ~~for my lack of punctuality and slightly confused at what I was doing here in the first place~~. Mom had dropped me off, week-end bag clutched to my chest ~~just like a little kid~~, and after a hasty kiss and a quick squeeze of my hand, she had roared off in a puff of grey exhaust and red grime.

Rules are:

First three sentences, any genre.

Yours needs a trim, but I liked it and would keep reading. Particularly liked "grey exhaust and red grime."

The part about "slightly confused at what I was doing here" could be made into the fourth sentence, perhaps. Where it is now, it seems like one bit of information too many.

LA*78 · May 26, 2013

Rufus Coppertop said:
That's damn good feedback, Anna. Thanks.

Nathan and Donald were at the Tannage St library where they had an after-school job. It could get boring putting books back on shelves but the pay was good. Five dinarii an hour’s respectable money when you’re twelve, even if your boss is a werewolf who leads a pack for senior citizens.

I'm not sure this alteration fits so well with your story. It makes out like being a werewolf is very uncool and it's a chore to have to work for one. From your previous versions I had the impression these boys view the librarian with reverence.

I do think you've made improvements from your earlier offerings in this thread. I feel you are still trying to give too much information in the first sentence.

Rufus Coppertop · May 26, 2013

LA*78 said:
I'm not sure this alteration fits so well with your story. It makes out like being a werewolf is very uncool and it's a chore to have to work for one. From your previous versions I had the impression these boys view the librarian with reverence.

You're right and while I do like Anna's suggestion a lot because it seems to hookify the thing nicely, I actually don't want to give that impression.

They think the world of the dear old chook and she really likes them too.

I do think you've made improvements from your earlier offerings in this thread. I feel you are still trying to give too much information in the first sentence.

Thanks. And yeah, I probably am trying to cram too much in.

Kaarl · May 26, 2013

Massacre Johnson stood replacing the expended clips of his pistols with fresh ones. On the cracked and time-weathered concrete of the street in front of him lay the smoking, bullet riddled corpses of the children and teenagers that had tried to kill him. They had been Youth Gangers; one of the many groups of abandoned children that had been forced in to such a life by the harsh and unforgiving environs of the Waste.

LA*78 · May 26, 2013

This won't be perfect either - but maybe mix it up a little:

"Re-stacking the bookshelves wasn't the coolest after school job for twelve year old boys. Five Dinarii an hour made it easier to take. Besides, it meant Nathan and Donald got to spend time with the head of a pack of senior citizen werewolves. "

You can get into the fact that she's the librarian/boss etc, the Library's name (if it's important) and so forth in the following sentences.

Anna Spargo-Ryan · May 26, 2013

Rufus Coppertop said:
That's damn good feedback, Anna. Thanks.

Nathan and Donald were at the Tannage St library where they had an after-school job. It could get boring putting books back on shelves but the pay was good. Five dinarii an hour’s respectable money when you’re twelve, even if your boss is a werewolf who leads a pack for senior citizens.

Sorry dudes, I hadn't read the other versions

You could incorporate the boringness in the first sentence and maybe use the rest to allude to this revered librarian?

Nathan and Donald shoved book after book back into the shelves. Five dinarii an hour was a fortune for 12-year-olds, but there was an even better reason to put up with working at the library.

Mrs [?]'s senior citizen werewolf pack. Coolest boss ever.

Or something else. Or none of these things

Rufus Coppertop · May 26, 2013

Actually, the truth is they're a pair of archnerds who don't think it's boring. That becomes apparent later.

This is my third go.

Nathan and Donald were at the Tannage St library where they had an after-school job. The librarian paid them five dinarii an hour which is pretty good money when you’re twelve. She was a sweet old werewolf who led a ladies-only pack for senior citizens.

Maybe the Tannage St bit can go. I like it right there but it might be just one detail too much and I've already worked it in later anyway.

Rufus Coppertop · May 26, 2013

Anna Spargo-Ryan said:
You could incorporate the boringness in the first sentence and maybe use the rest to allude to this revered librarian?

Even nerds could get bored though. After all, they're not being paid to read.

Nathan and Donald shoved book after book back into the shelves. Five dinarii an hour was a fortune for 12-year-olds, but there was an even better reason to put up with working at the library.

And this is a more active sort of start.

What about this?

The library’s trolley was stacked with enough books to sink a battleship and with its dodgy wheel, pushing it was a real bother. Still, the librarian paid Nathan and Donald five dinarii an hour which is good money when you’re twelve. She was a sweet old werewolf who led a ladies-only pack for senior citizens.

kyocrisis · May 26, 2013

Rufus Coppertop said:
Actually, the truth is they're a pair of archnerds who don't think it's boring. That becomes apparent later.

This is my third go.

Nathan and Donald were at the Tannage St library where they had an after-school job. The librarian paid them five dinarii an hour which is pretty good money when you’re twelve. She was a sweet old werewolf who led a ladies-only pack for senior citizens.

Maybe the Tannage St bit can go. I like it right there but it might be just one detail too much and I've already worked it in later anyway.

I would keep the Tannage bit, it's just enough detail, at least for me.

I like this. I'd maybe say "where they had after-school jobs" but I think either can be correct, well, if they have the same job.

Good voice, interesting hook at the end.

edit- Just saw your post above this. I don't like it.

susanielson · May 26, 2013

susanielson said:
Hi all. I'm not sure I'm doing this right, but here goes anyway. I'm new here and don't have a handle on the protocol yet, so forgive me if I'm stepping on toes.
This is how I think it works ; submit three sentences of a story you are working on for YA readers. Is there more to it than that?
Well, anyway, here it is...here they are...here are three sentences...sheesh! Okay - I'm posting!
Before I even opened the door I could hear the talking of the clocks, as if a lively dialog was being conducted; a debate concerning the appropriate punishment for lateness, no doubt. I glanced down at the watch on my wrist, feeling guilty for my lack of punctuality and slightly confused at what I was doing here in the first place. Mom had dropped me off, week-end bag clutched to my chest just like a little kid, and after a hasty kiss and a quick squeeze of my hand, she had roared off in a puff of grey exhaust and red grime.

I did it, and I still seem to be breathing. Thanks for any help or suggestions you can share with me...can't believe I'm doing this, but I gotta try!!

Wow! You actually took time to read and comment and now I know a little more about what's going on here. I appreciate the advice and will take it to heart. I am looking forward to reaching out to other writers, too, but I'm a little worried about a beginner (me) giving advice to others who may or may not be a newbie! Full steam ahead...and thanks again.

Reservoir Angel · May 26, 2013

Right now? Okay:

Salem knew opening his eyes was going to suck. He knew it would be a terrible idea, but he went and he did it anyway. Because he’s a total moron, apparently.

You learn absolutely nothing about any story details from this.

Selcaby · May 26, 2013

Every year, on the day the clocks go back, my brother Persse returns to the House of Winter and is astonished to find me here alive. He always wants to tell me the story of how I died, while he still can, before the House blots it out with the memory of how I was saved.
So here's what he tells me.

Rufus Coppertop · May 26, 2013

susanielson said:
I'm a little worried about a beginner (me) giving advice to others who may or may not be a newbie! Full steam ahead...and thanks again.

Ah but you read books too. Your perceptions as a reader are valuable whether you're a beginner or an experienced writer. It's the reader that we write for, after all.

I thought you might be new when I saw your duplicate post above that didn't have the thing you were replying to in quotes. It's easy to delete. Just hit the edit button and you'll find a deleting option.

Welcome to AW.

susanielson · May 26, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
Good for you for sticking your neck out. It IS hard. Your piece just needed a little restructuring in my opinion. It's a good opener. I'm intrigued.

I am amazed that an actual person (awesome you!)saw, read and responded to my post. It's an amazing feeling and I'm excited to be a real part of this community. I so appreciate your helpful insights and words of encouragement and will take your bits of wisdom and work them into my words. Thank you so much.

Rufus Coppertop · May 26, 2013

kyocrisis said:
edit- Just saw your post above this. I don't like it.

The trolley with the dodgy wheel didn't grab you?

I like them both. I think I might have to flip a coin.

It's nice to know you like the voice and hook. Thanks for contributing.

Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

JustKia

My inner voice has terrible grammar

King God Kong Zilla

Psychotic.Pink

Buffysquirrel

Anna Spargo-Ryan

Just pokin' about

owlish

JustKia

My inner voice has terrible grammar

Rufus Coppertop

Anna Spargo-Ryan

Just pokin' about

Rufus Coppertop

BethS

LA*78

Rufus Coppertop

Kaarl

Novice Wordsmith

LA*78

Anna Spargo-Ryan

Just pokin' about

Rufus Coppertop

Rufus Coppertop

kyocrisis

Einherjar

susanielson

Reservoir Angel

Angelic by name, fiendish by nature

Selcaby

Writer of wrongs

Rufus Coppertop

susanielson

Rufus Coppertop