The Annoying Passive Aggressive People I've Endured Thread

Chase

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A rule when passive-aggressors combat each other: The first to publicly suggest that the other is being passive aggressive wins. :D
 

Kylabelle

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A rule when passive-aggressors combat each other: The first to publicly suggest that the other is being passive aggressive wins. loses.:D

FIFY.

Actually, probably both are true. Because with double P/A, you can't win for losing.


:D
 

CassandraW

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It's really fun to watch, though, as long as you're not in any way involved.
 

shakeysix

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There is an old movie from the early 1990s--Only the Lonely. It stars John Candy and Maureen O'Hara. Maureen O'Hara plays John Candy's mother and she does a hilariously accurate portrayal of a passive aggressive character. In the best scene of all, Candy takes his mother and his new girlfriend --Ally Sheedy--to a ritzy restaurant so they can get to know each other. The mother picks up the menu, gasps at the prices and refuses to order anything. She takes a bread stick from the bread basket, glares at Ally Sheedy and declares, "I'll just fill up with bread!" The line cracked up my husband because it was SO my dad's family. It became our catchword whenever someone was over the top P/A.

My oldest daughter married a non Catholic who had been married before and had two children. They lived in another state when all this happened. My dad was not happy about this but never told anyone outright how he felt--probably because it was after the fact and he knew that if he put his foot down we would walk around him. He drove to Ohio with me and my other daughters for our first Christmas as a new family. How did we know Dad disapproved of his Protestant son in law? He kept switching the television to the Catholic Channel and turning the sound up full blast! --s6
 
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MaryMumsy

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My oldest daughter married a non Catholic who had been married before and had two children. They lived in another state when all this happened. My dad was not happy about this but never told anyone outright how he felt--probably because it was after the fact and he knew that if he put his foot down we would walk around him. He drove to Ohio with me and my other daughters for our first Christmas as a new family. How did we know Dad disapproved of his Protestant son in law? He kept switching the television to the Catholic Channel and turning the sound up full blast! --s6

This cracked me up (the Grandma story too). My number two nephew, who was raised LDS (Mormon) married an older, divorced, Catholic girl with three kids. Not only did my brother's family not disapprove, my brother performed the ceremony. She is a sweetheart, and the kids are delightful.

MM
 

regdog

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StarryEyes-your roommate took the toilet paper:Wha:
 

darkelf

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The taking the toilet paper thing is hilarious. All I can imagine is how that conversation would go:

"Hey, the toilet paper is missing. What? You took it? What did you want the toilet paper for? Wait, never mind, I don't want to know. You can keep it now, I'll get a new roll."

Yeah, I can do passive aggressive too.

darkelf
 

mirandashell

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Being British, I don't see the whole 'politely aggressive' thing as being P/A. It's just well-mannered aggression and relates, I think, to our innate irony and sarcasm. Sort of the dark side of that, I guess. But it is something you can get a grip on.

For instance, there is a big difference between 'Do you mind getting your elbow out of my hamburger, please?' and 'Oh I'm sorry, could you let me up from the table please as I have to get another hamburger. I'm afraid you squashed this one with your elbow. Few beers too many? Oh no please, don't get up, I'll get it myself. I wouldn't want you to fall over or anything......'

P/A is hard for me to handle because it's slippery. And other people don't always see it and think you're being paranoid. And then you start wondering if you are. And the P/A person is getting all the boost they need.
 

CassandraW

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Being British, I don't see the whole 'politely aggressive' thing as being P/A. It's just well-mannered aggression and relates, I think, to our innate irony and sarcasm. Sort of the dark side of that, I guess. But it is something you can get a grip on.

For instance, there is a big difference between 'Do you mind getting your elbow out of my hamburger, please?' and 'Oh I'm sorry, could you let me up from the table please as I have to get another hamburger. I'm afraid you squashed this one with your elbow. Few beers too many? Oh no please, don't get up, I'll get it myself. I wouldn't want you to fall over or anything......'

P/A is hard for me to handle because it's slippery. And other people don't always see it and think you're being paranoid. And then you start wondering if you are. And the P/A person is getting all the boost they need.

Oh, I agree. It's one of the things I love about the British! :D You folks have polite aggression down to a science.

IMO, being politely aggressive is not only OK (provided you are genuinely being polite), but it's also the best way to get what you want.

If I'd taken the passive-aggressive approach in your example, everyone (not just the person with the offending elbow) would have felt uncomfortable. Their sympathies would have turned from me to him. I would have looked like a jerk. He probably would have felt annoyed and on the defensive, and less sorry than if I'd been nice about it. And I would still need a new hamburger.

Taking the path I did, everyone started laughing. The offender was embarrassed, but he laughed too, fell over himself apologizing, and offered to get me another hamburger. (I let my host get me one, instead, since he was a lot more sober.) It became the standing joke at that party, and a recurring one at later parties.

I don't know what passive/aggressive people think they gain, but IMO it isn't much. Even other passive/aggressives don't tend to like them much, in my experience.

ETA: Although, yeah, if the p/a person is really good at it, a lot of other people won't see it, unfortunately. Still, I don't think you can go wrong with polite aggression. And it's a lovely counter to passive/aggression.
 
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mirandashell

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In my admittedly limited experience, I find that P/A people think of themselves as nice people. They aren't rude, they aren't aggressive and they don't start confrontations. They are too nice to do that. But like the rest of us they want to get their own way.
 

CassandraW

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In my admittedly limited experience, I find that P/A people think of themselves as nice people. They aren't rude, they aren't aggressive and they don't start confrontations. They are too nice to do that. But like the rest of us they want to get their own way.

Yes, now that you say that, I think you're right -- they probably generally do see themselves as nice people.

I have been fortunate enough (from an educational point of view) to know one passive/aggressive person who was willing to admit, at least to me, that he engaged in p/a behavior. (For some reason, he liked me at the time -- he doesn't anymore.)

He was proud of his p/a behavior and justified it. He saw the people he used it on as the wrongdoers, and himself as an avenger.

An example: I met him through my running club. For quite a while, he was the speed drill coach (a voluntary, unpaid position, btw, and I have to say he was quite good at it -- he was a former professional runner). But he got annoyed with the leadership of the club, whom he felt played favorites with the speedier runners (which to some extent was true). So he resigned. Which he was perfectly entitled to do, of course.

But just before he tendered his resignation, he went onto the club website and deleted all of the workouts he'd posted on the website for the past three years he'd been coach so that no future members or coaches could benefit from them.

I suppose he was also within his rights to do that, but of course it was horribly petty. But in his view, it was a good lesson for the club leadership that if they played favorites, they'd lose. And he saw himself as the champions of the slower, beginning runners in the club. Although, of course, they lost out from his pulling away all his excellent workouts. :Shrug:


ETA: As an aside, he was cheating on his long-term girlfriend. He justified it on the grounds that she was often a bitch (which, actually, was true). I asked why he didn't simply break up with her, if he felt that way. He said that it was because she wasn't always horrible, and besides it was less hurtful to cheat on her than to break up with her or confront her with her bitchy behavior. :rolleyes:
 
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CassandraW

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:roll:

The real beauty was that the people he claimed to be championing actually lost out far more than the people he was targeting. The club leadership and the fast runners already knew a lot of good speed workouts -- that's how they became good. The newer, slower runners are the ones who would have benefited from them far more.

Nice guy, indeed! :roll:

Plus it really was a LOT of trouble to delete all those posts -- it must have taken hours!
 

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I used to work with a guy (I'll call him Bozo) who:

1) Detested me because I had the gall to be both female and competent (dude had serious issues).
2) Was extremely passive-aggressive.
3) Was an absolute moron.

He plotted repeatedly to get me fired, but his attempts always either went unnoticed or backfired as spectacularly as a Wile E. Coyote booby-trap. Mostly, though, his determined campaign to destroy my life was just confusing.

For example, one Friday the boss brought in a 24-pack of giant, individually-wrapped muffins for the employees to share. There were only four of us, so a pack that size could easily last a couple weeks. Friday afternoon, there were 21 left. Monday morning they were gone. Now Bozo was the only one who had gone into the office over the weekend, and he was known for being extraordinarily gluttonous, so we all just shrugged it off as "he's doing his usual thing and hogging the snacks."

Bozo later confided to another coworker that he had eaten 21 muffins in one sitting for the sole purpose of making sure I didn't get any. Apart from the fact that I had no idea his muffin-eating was directed specifically at me (since nobody got any), if his only goal was to keep me from getting them, why eat himself sick? Why not just throw them away and claim they got moldy or something?

Another time he told the staff of the hardware store next door that I was moving to Michigan (I had no plans to move anywhere and have no idea where "Michigan" came from). The first I heard of it was when I stopped in to buy some paint and one of the employees said, "Sorry to hear you're moving. If you're ever in town again, stop by and visit." I don't know what Bozo hoped to gain from that particular lie, but it was stupidly easy to refute. I said I wasn't moving and then didn't move.

If the guy had half a brain, I could have been in real trouble, because he really did do his best to frame me for various things and get me fired. Luckily his plots were as transparent and poorly-thought-out as his lies.

I'm so glad I don't work with him anymore...
 
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cornflake

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Thnx. I get the explanation at least.

It's just me I guess. Sarcasm, snide remarks, flirtatious ones, etc. All those I get. Maybe because I am just familiar and have encountered them IRL and books. Thnx to these examples being offered passive aggressiveness is becoming more clear though I still believe it's one of those things I'll just never grasp. There are several things like that just go right by me. Things I am "supposed to get," but don't. lol (usually people have to spell things out for me to catch on)

It's kind of just what it says - it's being aggressive, but passively?

I was at a market the other day, and was going to buy a prepared stuffed squash thing. They're like maybe 3-4" high, about the same diameter, round deals, prettily made.

The guy behind the counter (it's prepared, by the lb. stuff, a giant case you point and say what you want, the people put it in containers, weigh, tag, hand it over) picked up a small, round container. I've been there before; the squash things don't fit well in those, they have to be crammed in sideways and get all squished. I said, 'could you use a square container please?'

The guy scowled at me (because I guess he makes the square plastic containers at home and hates to use them up? I've no earthly idea.), and picked up a teeny square one, about an inch and a half high (there are larger ones, that other workers put this stuff in), put the squash in, and the lid on, squishily, and smiled. <---passive aggressive.

I walked out, after telling the managerial guy standing feet away what happened, kind of aggressive-aggressively. ;)
 

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The taking the toilet paper thing is hilarious. All I can imagine is how that conversation would go:

"Hey, the toilet paper is missing. What? You took it? What did you want the toilet paper for? Wait, never mind, I don't want to know. You can keep it now, I'll get a new roll."

Yeah, I can do passive aggressive too.

darkelf

Haha, made me crack up!

In truth though, I didn't even confront him about it because at that point, I'd been living with him for a few months and I knew he wouldn't admit to it. In the end, we went for a whole week without toilet paper. I was curious to know how far he would go, so I just used tissues and watched the whole thing unfold. When I finally did whatever it was he wanted me to do, the toilet paper reappeared :D

These stories are so funny. I agree that the British have an uncanny talent at being politely aggressive. It must have been confusing for them when I moved to the UK - I take people literally, so their polite aggressiveness didn't work on me. While an expected conversation would go like this:

British person: "Oh, don't worry about it, I'm not bothered at all that you stuck your elbow in my hamburger..."

Other British person: "No, I insist! I'm so sorry, I'll get you another one."

My conversations went like this:

British person: "Oh, don't worry about it, I'm not bothered at all that you stuck your elbow in my hamburger…"

Me: "You're not bothered? Okay then."

They quickly learned to be honest about their feelings around me ;)
 

CassandraW

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These stories are so funny. I agree that the British have an uncanny talent at being politely aggressive. It must have been confusing for them when I moved to the UK - I take people literally, so their polite aggressiveness didn't work on me. While an expected conversation would go like this:

British person: "Oh, don't worry about it, I'm not bothered at all that you stuck your elbow in my hamburger..."

Other British person: "No, I insist! I'm so sorry, I'll get you another one."

My conversations went like this:

British person: "Oh, don't worry about it, I'm not bothered at all that you stuck your elbow in my hamburger…"

Me: "You're not bothered? Okay then."

They quickly learned to be honest about their feelings around me ;)


I'd say that's pretend-polite passive-aggressiveness, rather than polite aggressiveness.

Polite aggressive: "Please remove your elbow from my hamburger."

Further polite aggressiveness in response to your offer, "Yes, I would appreciate your getting me a new hamburger. Thank you."



The aggressiveness is in saying what you want -- as opposed to passive-aggressives, who don't say what they want (even if they make it rather clear). But it's possible to be aggressive, and yet still remain polite. Rude-aggressive would be "get your freaking elbow out of my hamburger and get me a new one, dumb ass!" :D


ETA:

A passive person, btw, would simply wait for the offending person to remove his elbow. Then he'd quietly throw it away and get a new one without saying anything.

I suppose if he were really passive, he might wait for the elbow to lift, and then eat the squashed hamburger. :roll:


ETA:

It's also possible to tell the person not to worry about the squashed hamburger, and to really mean it -- and if so, it's not passive aggressive. If you step on my toe and apologize, and I say nicely "It's all right, please don't worry about it," it's not passive aggressive unless my tone clearly demonstrates I don't mean it and I want you to feel bad about it.
 
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Ken

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It's kind of just what it says - it's being aggressive, but passively?

I was at a market the other day, and was going to buy a prepared stuffed squash thing. They're like maybe 3-4" high, about the same diameter, round deals, prettily made.

The guy behind the counter (it's prepared, by the lb. stuff, a giant case you point and say what you want, the people put it in containers, weigh, tag, hand it over) picked up a small, round container. I've been there before; the squash things don't fit well in those, they have to be crammed in sideways and get all squished. I said, 'could you use a square container please?'

The guy scowled at me (because I guess he makes the square plastic containers at home and hates to use them up? I've no earthly idea.), and picked up a teeny square one, about an inch and a half high (there are larger ones, that other workers put this stuff in), put the squash in, and the lid on, squishily, and smiled. <---passive aggressive.

I walked out, after telling the managerial guy standing feet away what happened, kind of aggressive-aggressively. ;)

Not cool. And you know something. I may be getting a clue. How's this for passive aggressiveness? A cashier who takes a disliking to you for some mysterious reason. So they intentionally give you a dollar or a coin that is the most ragged and filthiest in their register. So much so you can hardly make out the denomination. And yes, like your encounter there is that detectable smile. Grr ! If you dislike me just say so, by golly.
 

CassandraW

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Not cool. And you know something. I may be getting a clue. How's this for passive aggressiveness? A cashier who takes a disliking to you for some mysterious reason. So they intentionally give you a dollar or a coin that is the most ragged and filthiest in their register. So much so you can hardly make out the denomination. And yes, like your encounter there is that detectable smile. Grr ! If you dislike me just say so, by golly.

I'd say it counts as passive-aggressive if they had to dig around in the cash register to get it. However, if they take the top bill in the stack, or the first coin that comes to hand (rather than digging around to get you a clean one), then it doesn't count.

FWIW, I was a cashier at a drug store long ago, and I didn't pay any attention to the look of the money I gave in change -- just made sure the change was accurate. You take the top bill or bills from the top, and grab the first quarter you touch. That's the normal way. It's not normal to feel around for a pretty or an ugly one, unless the customer specifically asks.

As a customer, I generally don't care what the money I get in change looks like unless it's in such a condition someone at another store might refuse to take it.
 

DreamWeaver

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Thank you, mirandashell. I totally don't understand what's passive-aggressive and what's not, but now I can tell myself it's because I was raised in England through four of my formative years. I feel much less stupid now ;).

This may be OT, but when I was in retail I hated for the cash register not to balance. So, if someone was getting one or two cents change, to forestall them saying, "Forget it," I'd find the shiniest, prettiest pennies and say either, "Here's your lucky penny" or "Here's your two cents worth!" Never had anyone refuse their change :D. Does that count as passive-aggressive or politely aggressive, or possibly just nicely manipulative? (It probably helps to know that I may have, with some more difficult customers, been thinking something along the lines of, "Don't refuse your change, you [expletive deleted].")
 
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CassandraW

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Thank you, mirandashell. I totally don't understand what's passive-aggressive and what's not, but now I can tell myself it's because I was raised in England through four of my formative years. I feel much less stupid now ;).

This may be OT, but when I was in retail I hated for the cash register not to balance. So, if someone was getting one or two cents change, to forestall them saying, "Forget it," I'd find the shiniest, prettiest pennies and say either, "Here's your lucky penny" or "Here's your two cents worth!" Never had anyone refuse their change :D. Does that count as passive-aggressive or politely aggressive, or possibly just nicely manipulative? (It probably helps to know that I may have, with some more difficult customers, been thinking something along the lines of, "Don't refuse your change, you [expletive deleted].")

Waaaaiiiiit a minute. You aren't the cashier Ken ran into, are you?

:D Just kidding.


I've been thinking about the cashier thing since Ken brought it up. One woman I used to work with when I was a cashier used to deliberately be super, duper, extra slow in counting money or in bagging the purchases if the customer irritated her somehow. And she'd keep this snide smile on her face. She knew just the pace to go so that the customer would be annoyed, but have a hard time complaining that it was deliberate and she wasn't just "being careful," as she claimed. I knew she was doing it on purpose because I worked with her.

I never saw the point -- the quicker you are, the sooner you get rid of the person who annoyed you. Right? :Shrug:
 

Ken

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Another thing I've noticed with cashiers in general is that niceness doesn't completely pay off. Those who are nice are sought out by customers who love being rung up by them. So they get more customers during their shifts in comparison to those who are not so nice. Ironically the later have few customers b/c many attempt to avoid them. (I happen to have some really nice cashiers by me. Is there some way I could show my appreciation? Tell the manager? Give a card?) //end of tangent//
 

BenPanced

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Fortunately for her, I liked the cat and didn't want him to go without, or my response would have been "The dead need no orange juice."
I see a sig line in the making.

I work with a woman whose aggression is incredibly active. Nothing passive about it. Around the time I was transferred to this team, I'd moved some work over into the distribution room and was heading back to get more empty work buckets. As we were passing each other along the way, she muttered under her breath, "Oh, my GOODness. What happened to all the buckets on the cart?" I told her that I'd taken them to the distribution room blah blah blah woof woof, and she turned around and gave me The Stank Eye. She had this look on her face that just said, "Oh, my GOODness. It speaks!"

A few months later, we got some late mail but there was no hurry to open it; we have until 3:30 to get it to the distribution room and it was around 12:00 when it came in. The supervisors knew about it and since it was about 7 or 8 pieces, we were just going to leave it until lunch. Somebody asked me about it and I let her know to just not worry about until she got back from lunch. Well, she and Active Aggressive Byotch opened it and when they came out of the mailroom, AAB walked by my desk, muttering along the way, "Oh, my GOODness, I'll never get to lunch on time now!"

Byotch. Nobody asked you to open it. In fact, you were TOLD to just leave it alone. I was about to thank her for opening it, anyway, but the second I heard her mutterings, I'm like "<garbled in transmission> you".
 
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