A rule when passive-aggressors combat each other: The first to publicly suggest that the other is being passive aggressive wins.
A rule when passive-aggressors combat each other: The first to publicly suggest that the other is being passive aggressivewins.loses.
My oldest daughter married a non Catholic who had been married before and had two children. They lived in another state when all this happened. My dad was not happy about this but never told anyone outright how he felt--probably because it was after the fact and he knew that if he put his foot down we would walk around him. He drove to Ohio with me and my other daughters for our first Christmas as a new family. How did we know Dad disapproved of his Protestant son in law? He kept switching the television to the Catholic Channel and turning the sound up full blast! --s6
Being British, I don't see the whole 'politely aggressive' thing as being P/A. It's just well-mannered aggression and relates, I think, to our innate irony and sarcasm. Sort of the dark side of that, I guess. But it is something you can get a grip on.
For instance, there is a big difference between 'Do you mind getting your elbow out of my hamburger, please?' and 'Oh I'm sorry, could you let me up from the table please as I have to get another hamburger. I'm afraid you squashed this one with your elbow. Few beers too many? Oh no please, don't get up, I'll get it myself. I wouldn't want you to fall over or anything......'
P/A is hard for me to handle because it's slippery. And other people don't always see it and think you're being paranoid. And then you start wondering if you are. And the P/A person is getting all the boost they need.
In my admittedly limited experience, I find that P/A people think of themselves as nice people. They aren't rude, they aren't aggressive and they don't start confrontations. They are too nice to do that. But like the rest of us they want to get their own way.
Thnx. I get the explanation at least.
It's just me I guess. Sarcasm, snide remarks, flirtatious ones, etc. All those I get. Maybe because I am just familiar and have encountered them IRL and books. Thnx to these examples being offered passive aggressiveness is becoming more clear though I still believe it's one of those things I'll just never grasp. There are several things like that just go right by me. Things I am "supposed to get," but don't. lol (usually people have to spell things out for me to catch on)
Plus it really was a LOT of trouble to delete all those posts -- it must have taken hours!
The taking the toilet paper thing is hilarious. All I can imagine is how that conversation would go:
"Hey, the toilet paper is missing. What? You took it? What did you want the toilet paper for? Wait, never mind, I don't want to know. You can keep it now, I'll get a new roll."
Yeah, I can do passive aggressive too.
darkelf
These stories are so funny. I agree that the British have an uncanny talent at being politely aggressive. It must have been confusing for them when I moved to the UK - I take people literally, so their polite aggressiveness didn't work on me. While an expected conversation would go like this:
British person: "Oh, don't worry about it, I'm not bothered at all that you stuck your elbow in my hamburger..."
Other British person: "No, I insist! I'm so sorry, I'll get you another one."
My conversations went like this:
British person: "Oh, don't worry about it, I'm not bothered at all that you stuck your elbow in my hamburger…"
Me: "You're not bothered? Okay then."
They quickly learned to be honest about their feelings around me
It's kind of just what it says - it's being aggressive, but passively?
I was at a market the other day, and was going to buy a prepared stuffed squash thing. They're like maybe 3-4" high, about the same diameter, round deals, prettily made.
The guy behind the counter (it's prepared, by the lb. stuff, a giant case you point and say what you want, the people put it in containers, weigh, tag, hand it over) picked up a small, round container. I've been there before; the squash things don't fit well in those, they have to be crammed in sideways and get all squished. I said, 'could you use a square container please?'
The guy scowled at me (because I guess he makes the square plastic containers at home and hates to use them up? I've no earthly idea.), and picked up a teeny square one, about an inch and a half high (there are larger ones, that other workers put this stuff in), put the squash in, and the lid on, squishily, and smiled. <---passive aggressive.
I walked out, after telling the managerial guy standing feet away what happened, kind of aggressive-aggressively.
Not cool. And you know something. I may be getting a clue. How's this for passive aggressiveness? A cashier who takes a disliking to you for some mysterious reason. So they intentionally give you a dollar or a coin that is the most ragged and filthiest in their register. So much so you can hardly make out the denomination. And yes, like your encounter there is that detectable smile. Grr ! If you dislike me just say so, by golly.
Thank you, mirandashell. I totally don't understand what's passive-aggressive and what's not, but now I can tell myself it's because I was raised in England through four of my formative years. I feel much less stupid now .
This may be OT, but when I was in retail I hated for the cash register not to balance. So, if someone was getting one or two cents change, to forestall them saying, "Forget it," I'd find the shiniest, prettiest pennies and say either, "Here's your lucky penny" or "Here's your two cents worth!" Never had anyone refuse their change . Does that count as passive-aggressive or politely aggressive, or possibly just nicely manipulative? (It probably helps to know that I may have, with some more difficult customers, been thinking something along the lines of, "Don't refuse your change, you [expletive deleted].")
I see a sig line in the making.Fortunately for her, I liked the cat and didn't want him to go without, or my response would have been "The dead need no orange juice."