BS your way through

Future archeologists will have no knowledge of the Academy but will believe that the Oscar is a cult object used in rituals to attract and bring wealth to those that posses it and who stands up before others in the cult and thanks everyone they can think of in a specified period of time. Some believe that the time give was only a few seconds, but trace records show people complaining that the ritual was 'never ending' which has been thought to be days or even weeks. The ritual was always set just before the spring growing season.


How was toilet paper invented?

True story: they were trying to make paper towels, but came up with a batch that was too flimsy.

What is magical about 1.6 gallons of water to flush a toilet?

True story: They couldn't float toy sailboats with anything less



what is dorsafic getrin?

Shark fanfic for the geriatric crowd.

Butter...salted or unsalted?

Who cares? If you can still see the food, there's not enough butter. Hand me that salt shaker, will you?

Why don't more people put butter in their milk?

They don't?


What kind of strange places does Reziac go to to eat?

Porter's house, where I was served live moose. It was very hard to keep the butter on it.

Why doesn't Porter cook his moose before he serves it??

I think you are misunderstanding Porter. It's mouse, not moose. Mouse sushi is the newest foodie fad and as everyone knows, Porter is a big foodie. Of course, if you have a cat, you'll have to fight kittycat for every piece.


Will we see low temps below zero tonight?

I hope not! You're too nice of a person! If your temperature drops that low, you're clinically dead or a voting member of Congress. The common average temperature for an adult is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. If you drop too far below that, you should notify a doctor immediately or begin raising funds through a political action committee.

What's the best remedy for cracked knuckles?

Cracked nuts take the unsightly attention away from cracked knuckles, and provide a lovely crunch to desserts for those who are not allergic to nuts.

Are king crab legs preferable?

Aside from Priscilla K Farmer, who went to Broadway, as a unique dancer, No. Most women don't want to be described as having wither Crab Legs or Lobster legs.


Does cilantro belong in Coconut pudding?

No. However, it could accompany a big slab of bacon providing that tomato and lime are available. Coconut is best for dessert, and should avoid savory dishes altogether, because it just isn't right.

Bacon: why is it so good with everything? Is it what the Greek gods meant when they said "ambrosia?" and just didn't know the word for bacon?

*drools on thread* What was the question? Right...so it's because...*starts drooling again* Where was I? Yeah, well bacon is just...baaaaaaccconnnn. *stops drooling* Um, so, good thing the Greek gods never found out about it, or we mortals wouldn't have such wonderful slabs of crispy....

*blinks*

When should I be concerned about my obsession with bacon?

When you stop having it.

Who the hell took my bacon??!

The Bacon Monster, evil twin of

Aren't sausages better than bacon, anyway?

Sausages come from a whole different department, a long thin one. They have enough variance in flavor and quality they can sometimes almost be as good as bacon if they are stuffed with bacon. Some even come jammed with chicken, turkey and cow, none of which is as good as pig. Outside of a few imposters, a package of bacon can be trusted as long as it is isn't made from one of those other critters. I've butchered a lot of chickens and turkeys without discovering where the bacon comes from.

Is it proper to eat bacon from a skillet or should it go on a plate for a few seconds?

Bacon should be consumed with all other food groups. That is simply how it was intended , because it is bacon.

Why do bugs still try to sneak into our home even though it has been below or close to freezing every night?

Well, Duh! They remember when it was warm in there. I'd suggest turning your heater on once in a while.


Why don't I sleep in a nice warm house?

Because you need to jog ten paces to the left from your shed. That's where you left your warm house. You can sleep there, and it should be warm if properly insulated and heated.

Porter could relocate to a warmer climate with manageable heating bills, but what would he pay for air-conditioning?

Porter wouldn't pay anything. He has a portable air-conditioner powered by rats on a treadmill. He feeds them, but since he keeps them running 24/7, they die at an astounding rate, and he is constantly in need of more rats.

Why don't apples and oranges grow on the same tree?

The tree unions refused double the fruit production within the confines of the same branch, so management had them separated into different units after negotiation. It makes things a little pricier at the store, but the trees are happy.

Why do people ask questions to a Magic 8 Ball? Aren't there more knowledgeable gaming/sporting accessories?

Magic 8 Ball says, "Outlook not so good." Sysadmins everywhere nod sagely and are reassured that Magic 8 Ball knows everything.

Where did Magic 8 Ball learn all this wisdom??

Magic 8 Ball learned all that wisdom from spending years hanging around pool halls, a fact to which this writer can attest from personal experience.

Is there a magic way to turn winter into summer?

Yes.

Ooo. Did you miss it? (It's magic)

Why, when turned inside out, does my right sock not fit on my right foot?

It probably does. Open the darned jar, take your right foot out and check.


Where should I donate my PEZ dispenser when I hang up my spikes.