I figured that too, but didn't know patients were put on a ceramic table...
It's the arms thing that I don't think quite works yet - maybe arms outstretched on each side of my head or something.
[Critique Game] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel (moved to The Sandbox)
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I figured that too, but didn't know patients were put on a ceramic table...
It's the arms thing that I don't think quite works yet - maybe arms outstretched on each side of my head or something.
Wow, how did I miss that? *Hangs his head, embarrassed.*
Still, whether on his back or on his belly, forward has no meaning while lying down. I think a different description is needed.
Well, I didn't. I thought it was in a literal tunnel. I pictured a concrete structure, perhaps an abandoned tunnel through a mountain--you know, some sort of bad guy lair--with a lone table right on the middle of it, and this poor dude about to be subject to some kind of horrible, invasive medical torture...
I really enjoyed this. It wasn't difficult for me to picture, but that might also be because I picked up on the MRI thing right away, too. The hospital gown gives it away. Personally, if details are to follow, I think this is description enough.
My only complaint was that you could have specified, just for clarity, that the image was flashing in the character's mind. It just feels a little incomplete without that specification, but otherwise I thought this was really good.
lionstrength
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Hi guys. I've been reading a lot of posts in this thread and think everyone gives great, constructive feedback. This is from my WIP.
"Jessie removed the small revolver from David's head when he heard the screen door open downstairs. He stared at David with wide eyes and a scowl. David shrugged his shoulders and shook his head."
Thanks in advance for your help!
"Jessie removed the small revolver from David's head when he heard the screen door open downstairs. He stared at David with wide eyes and a scowl. David shrugged his shoulders and shook his head."
Thanks in advance for your help!
I too thought the tunnel was a literal tunnel and my thoughts therefore went more in the direction Beth's did (because why else would he be in a hospital gown in a tunnel if not for nefarious reasons?). I didn't connect to an MRI at all (and I had one the other week, hospital gown and all!).
The calm, detailed voice makes a lot more sense with an MRI than scarier settings, that's for sure.
This has the potential for an intriguing opener but you have some construction issues. To me, the first sentence sounds as if Jessie is somehow extracting the gun from inside David's cranium. "Wide eyes and a scowl" is hard for me to imagine, mostly because it feels like two warring emotions. I don't care for the use of "head" twice within three short sentences.
That said, there's some interest in why David seems to be complicit in Jessie's threat of violence against him. I think the more you can punch up the verbs here and make the action feel less relaxed, the better.
It looks like you're going for shock value with the first sentence, which is fine. My problem with this opening is that it's completely ungrounded. I don't know what's happening and the second and third sentences don't make it any clearer. That kind of non-verbal communication works great in context, but there's no context for it here. I don't know where or when this is taking place and I don't know who Jessie and David are to each other. Mortal enemies? Children playing with a toy gun? Actors rehearsing a play? Buddies screwing around?
My suggestion would be to scrap the second and third sentences and replace them with a line of dialogue, a thought, or a bit of description to give the reader a clue as to what's going on.
If you mention the hospital gown first it would help with clarification. Also, if you rephrase to say, a tunnel-like apparatus, or a tunnel-like machine, that would make it much more clear too.
Welcome to the thread lionstrength!
I also pictured him removing the gun from the guy's cranium!
If you rephrase the first sentence to say Jessie pull the revolver away from, instead of removed, it would make it crystal clear what's going on.
Thanks for posting.
Ditto on changing "removed" to "pulled the small revolver away".
"Stared" and "wide eyes" are redundant enough that you can dump "wide eyes" without affecting the sentence's impact.
Also, you can remove "his shoulders", as it can be assumed.
I'd also read on to find out why it seems like David is complicit in his own murder. Good job on that!
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Why "small"??? Is it a toy gun? If so you should have clarified it to avoid giving us a false impression. If it's a real revolver but is compact in size, does size of the gun matter here?
I agree with some of the comments above and disagree with others. Your beginning grabs my attention, and I don't need much backstory at this point. But some of your choices are problematical. The reactions of the two people to the screen door opening seem odd, under the circumstances--wide eyes and a scowl from one and a shoulder shrug from a man with a gun to his head. Presumably you will explain later.
I agree that the word "removed" is ambiguous here. Something like "pulled the revolver away from..." or even "jerked the revolver away from..." might work better.
Whether the revolver is big or small doesn't matter much here (maybe it will later). I would omit the adjective.
A minor point: I'm pretty sure that the spelling "Jessie" is more often used for females than males, with "Jesse" being the usual masculine spelling. The choice is yours, but when my eye hits the name "Jessie"--before I know anything else--I think I'm reading about a woman.
I do find your opening provocative and want to read more.
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Me three about seeing Jesse literally extract the gun from David's head!
And as someone points out, revolvers are more or less of a size; it's only significant if it's, oh, say, a pocket Derringer hardly larger than your thumb. (In which case, say "pocket Derringer".)
So I'd revise it:
Jessie pulled the revolver away from David's head when he heard the screen door open downstairs.
The first line, with minor tweaks, is a good hook. But I agree with someone who said why not dialog next, so we have something more personal than staring and shrugging?
But I might actually do something entirely different:
Jesse put the gun to David's head. "So this is it."
Downstairs, the screen door slammed.
Jesse jerked the gun back.
"WTF?" said David.
Jesse said, "How should I know?"
Well, nonsense dialog here (obviously it needs to relate to your story) but you get the idea.
I do think it's an interesting place to start.
ETA: as someone notes about the spelling of Jessie... my fingers altered it to "Jesse" without consulting my brain, which I suppose goes to confirm that.
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I didn't get that the guy was in an MRI, but maybe that's because I've never had one. It made me want to keep reading but with an extremely ominous vibe since I assumed he was lying on the table against his will, about to be questioned, tortured, etc. I don't know that my misinterpretation was a bad thing, though, because it made me want to keep reading. I'm sure I would have figured out within a few more sentences that it was an MRI, and breathed a sigh of relief for the guy/girl. I'd keep reading either way, though, because it's the bit about the scars that's the real hook.
Also, the thing about the arms extended forward was hard for me to picture. Maybe something about "arms extended forward, above/beyond my head." I'm sure the right preposition is out there somewhere...
I, too, imagined Jessie extracting his gun from inside David's head. That needs to be re-worded. The third sentence deflates the entire setup. Shrugging shoulders and shaking his head is not interesting and lets down the reader. Otherwise, I would read on.
Ditto to everyone on the whole "removed" sounds like the gun was inside David's head. Maybe to avoid using "head" twice and possibly fix this, try using "temple" or "forehead" or "cheek" or whatever head-part the gun is touching.
Also, maybe, in sentence 2, "He scowled at David."? As a few have pointed out, you can't scowl with wide eyes (I'm trying it, right now. I'm pretty sure I just look silly). I'm struggling to imagine a scowling stare as well, but maybe that's just me. Maybe "scowled hard..." or "frowned hard at David"?
Also, loved the dialogue suggestion that someone gave a couple posts back.
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I'd read on, for sure. As for the mri, I've had many, but always on a bed that slides into that tunnel. Maybe something like. . .
But like I said, I'd read on as is, so perhaps my suggestions are moot.
I agree with mrsmig and Rez on the sentence construction and word choice issues, and the others gave good advice and suggestions.
What stood out for me at first read besides the gun extraction
was this: " ... downstairs. He stared ... " sounds too rhymey (alliteration?).I tried the wide-eyed scowl too, didn't work for me either.
The scene has a lot of potential to draw me in, I'm just not clear where it's headed from here -- the filtering may be part of it (he heard, he stared). Might have more tension without the filtering and have Jessie's reaction to the screen door come after he hears it (The screen door downstairs opened. Jessie raised the gun from David's temple and ...)
Looks interesting, would like to see more!
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[FONT="]Thought I'd add my opening into the mix. This is the first three sentences in my Women's Fiction, Abandoned. I look forward to your thoughts, good or bad or anything in between.
I never considered myself a nosy neighbor. If I had my way, there would be blinds hung on every window in our house. Not willing to enable my deliberate isolation from the world, my husband refused to let me hang anything but a sheer in our front office; I could see out, but nobody could see in.[/FONT]
I never considered myself a nosy neighbor. If I had my way, there would be blinds hung on every window in our house. Not willing to enable my deliberate isolation from the world, my husband refused to let me hang anything but a sheer in our front office; I could see out, but nobody could see in.[/FONT]
Thanks to everyone who commented on my "character in an MRI tunnel" opening. I fancy myself a pretty fair editor—unless it's my own work, at which point I usually put on blinders. Count on you folks to keep it honest.
Onward, ever onward.
Onward, ever onward.
Very interesting. Is this a mystery? I gave that small suggestion because "hang" sounded repetitive to "hung," to me, even though they're different words. You could change that sentence up if you don't like the word "allow." I'd read on!
The first line is fine--not a nosy neighbor. The second sentence meanders away--now privacy matter. The third line is about a controlling hubby making an unappreciated decision. It is the most intriguing line.
But the problem is these sentences all have their themes in different directions. I will read on just for the third sentence, but I"ll be worried about directional mix-ups.
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