I'm looking for clean jokes do you have any?

A man walks into a bar.

He should have ducked.

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome
the confusion.

Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
.

This is for all of you who dislike disembodied body parts doing things in narratives.

Two monsters went to a monster party.

The first one nudged his friend. "That lady over there just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"

His friend shrugged. "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Ahem.

(This one only works if you were a parent in Australia in the late 70s early 80s.)

Q: Where do baby elves come from?

A: The Baby Elf Centre. (okay - we had Baby Health Centres. Work it out...)



For the rest of you:

Q: Where do baby apes sleep?

A: Apri-cots.



ETA: And my personal favourite which for maximum lolz has to be delivered by a very serious four-year-old

Q: Why did the little chicken cross the road softly?

A: Because it was just a baby chick and it couldn't walk, hardly.

ETA 2: (Oh, look. Find a four-year-old. It works.)

I have a joke about Ebola, but you probably won't get it.

*rim-shot*