1. Always make sure you write in a crowded noisy room. You're out to capture humanity, right?
2. Mum knows best. If she likes it you've got a bestseller.
3. Instead of walk say perambulate. The readers are paying for words they do not know.
4. Always be clear how the speaker is feeling. Don't say "I'm angry," Bob said; say "I'm angry," Bob exploded!!!!
5. As above make sure the audience know the exciting bits, always use plenty of exclamation points!!!!!
6. If your character has a strong regional accent make sure you show it. "Wot is it yo is doin' innit." This is especially true for other ethnicities and nationalities.
7. Txt spk is in. Use it.
8. Plot is unimportant. The modern world is all about how you feel. Make sure the reader knows how you feel. Feel free to insert your opinions into characters' mouths.
9. Don't say, "Bob was angry," say, "Bob was angrily furiously apoplectically incandescently enraged." Let the reader know.
10. One draft should always do it. When finished send it immediately to an agent. But copyright it first in case they steal your idea. Always send photocopies on onion skin. Keep it cheap and send it fast. Keep it HOT HOT HOT!!!!!
Your bestseller awaits, what are YOU waiting for???!!!!
ALSO.
-Keep count by page numbers, not words.
-...because you are allowed to use adverbs, but only on prime-numbered pages.
-If you have a child or young adult character, remember real children and young adults won't be able to relate to them if you don't use their slang, which you needn't bother looking up because it can't be
that different from the slang you used when you were that age. Why
wouldn't a modern teenager describe something as "totally radical" or "wicked sweet?"
-Exclamation points are the ideal punctuation, but don't forget about interrobangs!
-If your character has some kind of specialized knowledge, you need to include
all of it, even the parts that have nothing to do with the story. If they're a dressmaker, you need to list the patterns they're using. If they're a demolitions expert, you need to describe the chemical reactions in detail, down to the specific molecules involved. You don't want agents to think you're writing what you don't know, do you?
-If you use a said bookism, make sure it begins with the letter J.
-To better suspend disbelief, make all your characters wear suspenders.
