They're gonna die. How "established" should they be?

TheaBlowsKisses · Aug 26, 2012

I've started working on my next book, and I'm not feeling all too confident about the pacing of my first couple chapters.

Super brief summary of the beginning this sci-fi/fantasy erotica: A soldier defending his country's border wakes up after an enemy attack that nearly killed him. He learns that a mercenary group saved him, but his wife and child (and the rest of their village a number of miles away) were killed. Then the rest of the plot really kicks off, where he starts hunting down those responsible for the attack, enters into a rather dysfunctional relationship with his trainer, and starts going more than a little crazy.

The way I have it set up is that the first two chapters establish his cozy life with his loving family while he's home on leave. I wanted to "show, not tell" their importance, both to build an emotional connection and to provide a contrast to the darker tone of the rest of the book. With my current outline, Chapter 3 is when he gets called back to the base, and Chapter 4 is when he wakes up and finds out what happened.

Obviously, I'm still in the beginning stages and there will be MUCH editing later on. However, I can't help but feel that the first couple chapters just feel like a giant prologue, and I don't know if I'm spending too much time there. I also don't want to spend too much time on the family when I'm going to be killing them off pretty quickly anyway.

Character deaths. How do they work?

Persei · Aug 26, 2012

You could try to start with the scene where he is called back, and then show by his thoughts that he misses his family and cozy life... Depends on the voice and the POV, but...

Bufty · Aug 26, 2012

Beat me to it! The time to show the emotional loss caused by the family's death would seem to be when he learns about it. Do I really need two chapters of cozy-life detail? Isn't it the knowledge of their death that irrevocably alters the pattern of his cozy life and triggers the story? The sense of loss continues to affect his future actions.

You could keep going and reconsider things when you've finished.

Good luck.

thothguard51 · Aug 26, 2012

Story starts where the story starts, not with back story that can easily be shown elsewhere in snippets. Or so I have been told...

DanielaTorre · Aug 26, 2012

I agree with Persei and Bufty. Nostalgia can be a powerful tool in writing. Use it wisely. But I think your best bet is to start where the action is.

willietheshakes · Aug 26, 2012

My gut feeling says "start with Chapter Four".

As much as possible, I try to start where the story starts, which, as you said yourself, is with him waking up after the attack. Chapter 1-3 are backstory.

jmare · Aug 26, 2012

Unless there's something important and vital to the story in those first few chapters, cut them completely. The information can be slipped in throughout the story and the less you tell the reader about the family, the more they will fill the gaps in with their own feelings which can be to your advantage.

TheaBlowsKisses · Aug 26, 2012

Yeeeeah, this was totally one of those "If you have to ask, you already know the answer" situations, wasn't it?

You're all correct. I moved the first two (unnecessary) chapters to a separate file so I can refer to them later if I have to, and changed "Chapter Three" to "Chapter One". I feel better already. I'll have a few paragraphs of domestic bliss before getting to the bloodshed. (I wasn't crazy about the idea of starting with the MC waking up after being injured. I know the "wake up" beginning can be done, I just don't know if I'm good enough to handle it without it becoming too much of a cliche!)

Thanks!

phineas12gauge · Aug 26, 2012

I really liked the way the movie 'gladiator' handled a similiar plot point. It's been a few years since I've watched it but...

IIRC, the spaniard talked a lot of home while he was at war, establishing how important that his wife/son are to him, he describes how he longed to return to his fields, etc ... We know how important this is to him within the first few scenes.

There is a turn of events that make it so he needs to race back to try and save his wife and son but he arrives too late. Your character is also to late to do anything.

As the story progresses he has various flashbacks that tie into his family being killed, there's the reoccurent image of the fields, and it is even tied neatly into the end as he dies, when he sees his wife/son and the fields.

We know how important his family and former life were to him all without needing to see the actual day-to-day interactions.

Now, those first few chapters you wrote are not lost, just rework them into the story along the way.

IMO, start with chapter 3 where your conflict starts.

rwm4768 · Aug 26, 2012

I agree with others. Start where the story gets going. If I pick up a science fiction book about a man getting revenge for his murdered family, I want some sign that the plot is going to get going. Happy days with the family are great in real life, but they make for a boring story, no matter how well-written.

blacbird · Aug 26, 2012

"Kill all the brutes."

--Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness.

caw

angeliz2k · Aug 27, 2012

phineas12gauge said:
I really liked the way the movie 'gladiator' handled a similiar plot point. It's been a few years since I've watched it but...

IIRC, the spaniard talked a lot of home while he was at war, establishing how important that his wife/son are to him, he describes how he longed to return to his fields, etc ... We know how important this is to him within the first few scenes.

There is a turn of events that make it so he needs to race back to try and save his wife and son but he arrives too late. Your character is also to late to do anything.

As the story progresses he has various flashbacks that tie into his family being killed, there's the reoccurent image of the fields, and it is even tied neatly into the end as he dies, when he sees his wife/son and the fields.

We know how important his family and former life were to him all without needing to see the actual day-to-day interactions.

Now, those first few chapters you wrote are not lost, just rework them into the story along the way.

IMO, start with chapter 3 where your conflict starts.

You probably did the right thing. You might be able to do flashbacks later. Probably, you will want small snippets, maybe a paragraph here or there of the MC thinking about some small incident. Or, you could have him reflecting out loud to a friend over a drink.

With my current WIP, I had a related problem. I wanted to start with the action, which meant starting off with a duel. The problem was that immediately after the duel, all my characters scattered across the country (dead or exiled), so it was very difficult to get across all the information I needed to about what led up to the duel. I had versions where I began two weeks before the duel and tried to lead up to it. It didn't work. I ended up proceeding through time after the duel, but alternating it with "flashback" chapters.

Your situation is a bit different: you just need to get across that the MC loved his family, which, let's be honest, should be a given. You need to make us feel it, and the best way is to show us his feeling of loss after the fact.

Lycoplax · Aug 27, 2012

I'm throwing in with a lot of advice you've already received. I'm guilty of over-presenting some unnecessary stuff in my writing, and I try to rein it in.

The reader doesn't have to know the deceased to feel the pain of the bereaved. Family is one of those things, unless you show the contrary, I expect that they care about each other, and thus losing any member would be traumatic.

I was watching Farscape last week, (I know, TV show, not a book, but it still tells a story) and one of the characters lost her brother, who had never been mentioned before this point. She ran away from the spaceship and found a gang of young, tripped-out nihilists whose chief thrill was jumping down a deep hole where some force field was supposed to catch them near the bottom, but sometimes didn't.

I don't recall any part of the episode when she explained who her brother was. Only that she felt she had to do this to deal with her grief.

Arthea · Aug 27, 2012

I agree with much of what's been said. You don't need the first two chapters and if you feel like they drag the way a prologue often does, I'd cut them.
Instead, consider using flashbacks to illustrate their importance... or moments where he thinks about missing his wife's soft, comforting voice, or the coo of his child.

James D. Macdonald · Aug 27, 2012

If they're going to die you should make the readers care about them first.

Otherwise you've killed someone for no good reason.

ccarver30 · Aug 27, 2012

Bufty said:
Beat me to it! The time to show the emotional loss caused by the family's death would seem to be when he learns about it. Do I really need two chapters of cozy-life detail? Isn't it the knowledge of their death that irrevocably alters the pattern of his cozy life and triggers the story? The sense of loss continues to affect his future actions.

You could keep going and reconsider things when you've finished.

Good luck.

Great point.

They're gonna die. How "established" should they be?

TheaBlowsKisses

steaming up the e-readers

Persei

Let it go

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

thothguard51

A Gentleman of a refined age...

DanielaTorre

...

willietheshakes

Gentleman. Scholar. Bastard.

jmare

My own worst enemy

TheaBlowsKisses

steaming up the e-readers

phineas12gauge

rwm4768

practical experience, FTW

blacbird

angeliz2k

never mind the shorty

Lycoplax

Arthea

James D. Macdonald

Your Genial Uncle

ccarver30

Nicole Castro